Why aren't you a Pentecostal, Veeky Forums?

Why aren't you a Pentecostal, Veeky Forums?

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youtube.com/watch?v=Hd29jLZ1WIM
youtube.com/watch?v=Kcd1a68YQq0
en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Foolishness_for_Christ#
youtube.com/watch?v=xGaSJUqEyC4
youtube.com/watch?v=Hm_NNLZiusg
youtube.com/watch?v=at9MZ54Hst4
twitter.com/AnonBabble

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why are american proddies so retarded

bless your heart

We worship mammon.

>we

>be user
>be born in the deep ass south
>mfw two old ass uncles fist fight over whether baptism should be immersion or sprinkle
>mfw 3 extended family members die of the holy snake bite
>mfw I even have internet to type this
kill me pls

may the lord have mercy on your soul

My step grandma is Pentecostal. They're fucking crazy. No joke.

...

>holy snake bite
Bloody hell this an actual thing what the fuck.

There is only ONE church of JESUS CHRIST.

I'm not criminally insane, that's why.

I guess Mormonism is the sane man's religion when this shit exists.

What even is a Pentacaust.
That sounds metal as fuck, it's like 5 holocausts all at once.

Not only do they have shit translations of the Bible, they think speaking random babble shit is also the word of God.

youtube.com/watch?v=Hd29jLZ1WIM

When you think about it it actually makes sense

youtube.com/watch?v=Kcd1a68YQq0

I was up at 3am and saw this commercial for Revelation stones that come from Israel and how it would make you a miracle in wealth.

First of all Christians should not be concerned with gaining wealth through using God and lastly, what the hell? Revelation stones? Really?

I wish I could find a commercial on youtube. There appears to be searches for it, but I can't find the actual commercial.

>ywn be american

That reminds me of this televangelist I saw my grandma watching. I think his name was Jim Bakker and he was selling huge buckets of tacos, Italian food, etc to prepare for the tribulation. I think you could buy a 7 year supply for around $8000

1 Corinthians 14:2 - For he that speaketh in an [unknown] tongue speaketh not unto men, but unto God: for no man understandeth [him]; howbeit in the spirit he speaketh mysteries.

Mark 16:17 - And these signs shall follow them that believe; In my name shall they cast out devils; they shall speak with new tongues;

Acts 2:4 - And they were all filled with the Holy Ghost, and began to speak with other tongues, as the Spirit gave them utterance.

Mark 16:18 - They shall take up serpents; and if they drink any deadly thing, it shall not hurt them; they shall lay hands on the sick, and they shall recover.

Amen Preach It Brother!

>Mark 16:18 - They shall take up serpents; and if they drink any deadly thing, it shall not hurt them; they shall lay hands on the sick, and they shall recover
Funny thing is that when these groups drink snake venom they are taking non-lethal doses

>Evangelical """""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""Christianity"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""

Humanities was LITERALLY a mistake.

2 Peter 3:3 - Above all, you must understand that in the last days scoffers will come, scoffing and following their own evil desires.

that aside

>they actually drink the venom
>they actually drink the venom

holy fuck i thought they just handled snakes which i presumed were tame pets or something

There have been scoffers for the last 2000 years

2 Peter 3:8 - But do not forget this one thing, dear friends: With the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like a day.

What a lovely, convenient little bow to wrap it all together.

Yes, brothers! Be the most anti-social jackasses that ye can muster! For ye shall be vindicated....eventually!

>Pentecostals
Tied with Jehovahs and Mormons for most batshit insane christfags, and that's saying something considering your average evangelical

Matthew 10:22 - You will be hated by everyone because of me, but the one who stands firm to the end will be saved.

>mormon
>christfag

Stop responding, you're only encouraging him.

your average American considers them eccentric christfags but christfags nontheless.

...

Did you know that literacy doesn't factor into salvation?

That means reading the bible is at best a secondary religious pursuit to the Christian man. In fact, reading the bible can actually confuse some stupid people, and so generally they should be warned away from the work.

>bread and wine are replaced by Big Macs and Grape Fanta

Unexpected kek

Which is why belonging to a community of strong believers in Christ is essential for maturing in our spiritual walk.

>anyone can be a Christian if they accept Jesus as their savior
>not those guys who accept Jesus as their savior though. Because I say so

>So I told goyim to fool around with snakes and they actually did it the absolute cucks

Yes, the one holy Catholic and apostolic church.
Catholicism is the only valid interpretation of Christianity.

> implying this shite applies to anyone but Jesus' direct disciples.
> implying the bible is accurate anyway.

Because I'd rather adhere to the completion of the Golden Path.

Just remember that not all Catholics are Roman.

My favorites are those guys who read that passage in the Sermon on the Mount about not worrying about food or clothes because God will provide and just live like plants and animals, and they actually did it the absolute madmen. They quit their job, sold all their shit and wandered around couchsurfing and preaching 4 food.
It's really cute but they also encourage everyone to do it, which might be problematic once no one is left to work and make food.

The verse about the snake venom in bible and other bullshit - was a latter addition.

>July 1955, Florida - George Went Hensley, founder of the Church of Jesus With Signs Following, possibly the first snake handling church, was bitten on the wrist by a snake draped around his neck. He died several days later.

>August 1985, Tennessee - Charles Herman Prince of the Apostolic Church of God gets attacked by a rattlesnake after drinking strychnine. He refuses medical attention and dies 36 hours later.

>Oct, 1999 and 1995 Alabama and Kentucky - John Wayne "Punkin'" Brown was bitten on the hand by a yellow timber rattler during a worship service. Having suffered previous snake bites he preached for fifteen minutes then suddenly fell over dead. His wife, Melinda Brown, met a similar fate several years prior.

>April 2004, Virginia - Reverend Dwayne Long of the Arthurs Chapel Church of Rose Hill was killed by a rattlesnake during Easter services

>May 2012, West Virginia - Pastor Mark Wolford sat near a recently handled Timber Rattler and received a fatal bite to the leg. His father was also a pastor and died from snake bites 39 years earlier.

>February 2014, Kentucky - Jamie Coots, well known Middlesboro preacher, died after being bitten by a snake during a church service Saturday evening.

How do they explain this, exactly? I thought you weren't supposed to die if you had faith?

>all fucking Appalachia

It's literally the retard belt of the south which is already retarded

>ahaha wow guys why can't they just be tame, good Catholics like us

en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Foolishness_for_Christ#

>Catholics

I'm Lutheran and I think Pentecostals are downright Satanic

>Pentecostals are downright Satanic
How so?

Well the snake shit is maybe something you'd see in ancient Egypt and other pagan kingdoms, it's not Christian at all. The complete mockery of sacred rituals by running around the church, rolling on the floor and blathering nonsense also makes me think they're posessed by demons rather than full of holy spirit.

>Well the snake shit is maybe something you'd see in ancient Egypt and other pagan kingdoms
I don't think that's been seen in those areas
>The complete mockery of sacred rituals by running around the church, rolling on the floor and blathering nonsense also makes me think they're posessed by demons rather than full of holy spirit.
Why tho. Because it offends your sensibilities?
If you read the wiki link I sent you it may have you reevaluate your perception of these people.

>Mark 16:9-20
Non mainliners shunning the apocrypha but alleging bold claims and basing their focal doctrine on spurious antilegomena is why I only trust Lutheranism.

youtube.com/watch?v=xGaSJUqEyC4
Your average Pentecostal

High Church Union against Low Church NOWWWWW

Egyptians certainly had a snake cult.

It offends God's sensibilities. They're not even talking in foreign languages, they're literally babbling like retards, might as well be farting and belching. Look up Pentie tongue speaking videos and show them to an actual linguist and ask him whether this horseshit constitutes a language.

Isn't speaking in tongues meant to be weird? How do you decide what's genuinely speaking in tongues?

I'd imagine speaking such would be beyond meta.

"Speaking in tongues" is no more than making odd motions with your mouth and making noise. There is no genuine speaking in tongues. Usually, one person (the preacher typically) will do it, and you'll notice that seconds later about ten other people will be doing it and will have their eyes closed. It's a group reaction, just like how if I create 20 spam threads on /s4s/ of the exact same topic I guarantee you about two or three other autists will do the exact same thing.

>How do they explain this, exactly? I thought you weren't supposed to die if you had faith?

These are a bunch of hillbillies practicing snake magic, they're far beyond reason.

>How do you decide what's genuinely speaking in tongues?

You can decipher language patterns in linguistics. There is nothing like that in this shit: youtube.com/watch?v=Hm_NNLZiusg because it's not a fucking language.

youtube.com/watch?v=at9MZ54Hst4

>There is someone on Veeky Forums that is genuinely trying to defend Appalachian snake cults
What's next? Heaven's Gate apologists?

Well at the Pentecost the apostles supposedly spoke actual languages, not dribble. the whole reason they try to speak in tongues is because of this so whether the languages they speak are real should be the standard for whether their speaking in tongues is real. Also I never understood why they thought God would have them speak in tongues when they are surrounded by only English speakers, perhaps some Spanish. Perhaps there are other gifts the holy spirit can give you that are more useful than making you fluent in elvish? At least the holy spirit should make them be able to speak Spanish so they can convert the guy who mows their lawn since he's going to hell for worshipping Mary "Queen of Heaven" apparently

I thought the Bible described the miracle of speaking in tongues as a person speaking a language they don't understand to someone who does know that language.

Yes, that's literally what it is. This is spelled out plainly in the Book of Acts, during the chapter about Pentecost.