5 tips to get the body of your dreams

Veeky Forums you get paid 50000 usd to write an article with the clickbait title above. What are the 5 tips you write? It can't be anything illegal and it has to apply to both genders.

you're mom

>buy SS and 7 gallons of milk a week
>read SS while drinking a gallon a day
>follow the program
>???
>Profit

> Read the sticky.

Collect 50k

Squats twice a week
Bench twice a week
Deadlift once

1 Watching porn daily for at least an hour increases your hormonal levels as it increases your fertility rate, thus helping your body build muscle.
2. Drinking 3l of soy milk has been proven to increase testoresone levels in males. Women should go for cow milk in the same amount.
3. Remember all the talk about fat meat being unhealthy? Newest research suggests that fats help breaking down protein and other nutrients necessary for building muscle as well as making your veins more slippery, thus allowing for higher blood flow. This also helps with cardio!
4. Forget dark pastry! Recent reports found out that high amount of fiber decrease your body's ability to break down food properly, thus leaving you with less nutrients. It also leads to your body using the stored food (since fiber slows down the decompositiuon rate of food) as an energy source and you get fatter!
5. Alcohol has been proven to reduce your artery clogging, so bottoms up!

>corset at the gym

How many gains does this increase?

> telling everyday normies to do scary high level exercises
Yeah, don't come back to work tomorrow

atleast triples your instagram followers

Wearing corset make you feel pretty and more motivated to do your work out, I've never worn one at the gym as I believe they don't belong there but when I wear them at the office or somewhere else I feel more confident.

>Falling for the strength meme.

1: Drink lots of juice! Juice is rich in electrolytes that keep you going, and since it's made from fruits and vegetables you can drink however much you want! Yowza!
2: Eating fat is very beneficial for your testosterone levels, so every healthy male should aspire to get at least 100 grams of fat a day in addition to whatever else he eats, so don't feel like you have to justify those extra two slices of bacon for breakfast!
3: Need to shed that bothersome belly fat? Research from Buzzfeed writer and Women's Logic professor Xinhua Laqueefa Token Ethníc Çhìqué Tran shows that catching three pokemon a day on Pokemon Go is just as effective as waddling away for hours on treadmills and stairmasters and ellipticals, plus you get the healthy fresh outside air! Bazinga!
4: Go barefoot more often to promote better blood circulation!
5: Ever noticed how black people are so immensely ripped and sexy? It's no coincidence! Spending half an hour or more a day in a tanning bed has proven to burn away stubborn belly fat, tone your tights, remove cellulite and give firmer buttocks.

Give me my fifty fucking grand.

>activate your almonds
>drink only water or tea
>pray to Zyzz
>be on top more
>spit don't swallow

wtf that's terrible advice

I don't care, I'm just in it for the money.

That's the point retard

If mainly for women:
1. Semen Demon! Semen contains testosterone and all the other goodies that make men so buff, suck your man dry and watch those glutes balloon. (for obvious reasons)
2. Godess from the Machine! Traditional squats and all those compounds are shit since the sticking point tends to be the weakest muscle in the chain, instead use the machines - there is a reason they cost more. Smith squats are where it's at. (All the bitches do at my gym is squat and since I'm one of the three guys in my gym actually squating this bothers me.)
3. Don't Sweat It! As everyone knows sweat is toxins leaving the body, put on the lycra and annihilate that elliptical. Make sure to spread your scent across that gym to claim it for feminism. (Don't ask.)
4. Cornhole gaping = Hardcore gaining! Squat plugs, don't mind the name, are absolutely essential for any exercise. PROTIP: The vibrating ones help with developing strong stabilizers. (Because even women deserve sound advice.)
5. Camwhoring for the cult of swoling! Go on Veeky Forums, disregard the sticky and don't lurk - just post pic in underwear (don't forget to stuff banana in panties, a faux pass no one on the board appreciates) = free and 1000% legit advice.

If for guys:
1. Stop looking for the magic pill, there isn't one. Train and eat smart and consistently.
2. Drop the fucking bro-splits and do whole-body, compound intensive programmes.
3. Chicken is cheaper than whey, instead spend your money on vitamins and minerals - zinc and magnesium are a must.
4. Have patience, going too hard into it and obsessing over the weight on the bar is a surefire way to become that sperg who puts 4 plates, quarter good-mornings it and forever remains gainsless unless you consider a swole spine gains.
5. Go on /fit and read the fucking sticky. While you're at it: post pics of yourself in a skirt, no homo.

beautiful
i wouldnt be surprised if i read that on a body magazine

>eat horse oats everyday, its literally the best food available
>eat at least 3 proteins
>skateboard squats are much safer and produce the same result as regular ones(which are bad for your back and joints btw)
>take at least 5 scoops of mass a day so you can build muscles properly
>take saunas to reduce bodyfat

id get rich in no time

>Eat only food that you could either grow or hunt (vegetables, meat, nuts, etc), no processed food, and drink ONLY water
>Go to the gym three times a week and do Back + Biceps, Chest + Triceps, Shoulder + Legs
>Do 4-5 sets as heavy as possible to reach a maximum of 10 reps each set
>Run every or every second rest day
>Enjoy sugary food as long as you keep it minimal as possible

this, positive reinforcement for people's vices will always be succseful

>Calories in, Calories Out
>Guys - running to the end of the street and back won’t turn you into a hungry skellington
>Girls - touching a 5-lb dumbbell won’t make you Arnold in drag.
>Read the Sticky
>We’re all gonna make it, brahs.

> 1. Eat
> 2. Sleep
> 3. Drink
> 4. Lift
> 5. Repeat

Thank you for your patronage

/thread

It's not a corset, it's an extreme Olympic belt.

This woman deadlifts more than Eddie Hall and that "corset" is the only thing keeping her guts together.

>deadlifts more than Eddie Hall
Bullshit, she pulls Eddie while he is pulling his max in midgets who are pulling their max.

This is just average fitness magazine article

>Meet protiene goals
>bulk then cut, always count calories
>have one workout day for every rest day
>every workout needs to be 1 hour minimum, full body lifting and cardio
>eca for cutting, /fraud/ depending on where you live

and have chicken arms for neglecting pull/chin up, dips and OHP

I don't see one bit of good advice here not one...

OP IS A FAGGOT!

*Avoid op by not going on Veeky Forums
*Avoid op by not going on Veeky Forums
*Avoid op by not going on Veeky Forums
*Avoid op by not going on Veeky Forums
*Avoid op by not going on Veeky Forums

1. determine your daily caloric goal for your desired weight.
2. be consistent with your regime - stick to one routine atleast 3 months
3. make sure you take enough vitamins and minerals (natural is best) for men vit C, vit D3 and Zinc.
4. get enough sleep (8 hours plus)
5. be patient and maintain workouts diary (measures and weight), it will keep you motivated and you will have means to track your progress.

Now gimme my E39 M5.

C'mon, man. This didn't tip you off to what's going on-
>Buzzfeed writer and Women's Logic professor Xinhua Laqueefa Token Ethníc Çhìqué Tran
?

Really?

Why wouldn't you swallow for preotin gains?

>Learn about nutrition, calorie deficits, and the like, you brainless cunt
>Count your calories like a jew counts his shekels
>Be ready to put some fucking effort in you lazy gobshite
>No, tenbellies, your abs won't fucking show through that mound of fat because you did a few crunches this morning
>Stop reading about the latest fucking fad the media talks about. Nobody gives a single fuck if eating two score poptarts a fortnight appears your lower risk of knee cancer by 0.14% in a sample size of 2. Do what makes fucking sense and is true, you invertebrate bovine lardarse, not what you want to be true.

>1. go keto
>2. eat good/clean from MO-FR
>3. sleep 7-9 hrs.
>4. if u dont go or cant go to work out bcause whatever, it doenst matter. go tomorrow!
>5. learn about the whole fitness shit..muscles, food, exercises..etc

anyone know who this is?

>SS
>GOMAD
>EAT CLEN
>TREN HARD
>ANAVAR GIVE UP

Eat
Sleep
Lift
Cardio
Protein

>Don't listen to Veeky Forums
>SS is a meme
>Steroids aren't scary or bad
>High test is best
>Eat and lift.

1. Stop looking for shortcuts

2. You're having that issue because you need to do exactly what you don't want to do

3. Eat garbage become garbage

4. Drink more water

5. Show up to the gym everyday

Honestly, this.

Fill in whatever auxiliary you want

Squat twice a week
Bench twice a week
Pull up three times a week
Deadlift once a week

name on this fluid druid????

Only 3 protons?? Can i just eat lithium?

50k well deserved. If every woman listened to first part and every man to second part, gym would be a much better place.

>Laqueefa
Laughed more than I should have

basically this

>Different cardio exercises target fat loss at different parts of your body.

>50g of protein a day. Any more than that will turn into fat

>Avoid canned tuna

>Avoid eggs

>>>>avoid milk

Bruh...

Is this guide a troll?

>Learn steroids in 5 steps

>avoid meat
>avoid protein
>avoid eggs
>avoid tuna
>avoid oat

is this a satire?

wow, this is so wrong it's astonishing

>zinc and magnesium are a must.
>muh test!

It's obviously for trolling january/summer fags.

it was created by some user that was sick of resolutioners creating new threads when they didn't read the sticky, they deserve to be trolled

Bench and squats are beginner level.

You don't actually """""work out""""" on machines do you?

I don't even believe it's satire. It just reads like a fatties first attempt at getting fit.

1. Drink more water

Yes I know what you're thinking: "ahhhh... no duh", but studies have shown that 76% of obesity is present solely because people don't drink enough of that sweat old H20. So instead of busting your ass, just grab a glass! (I can feel you cringing. I'm sorry)

2. Eat MORE junkfood.

Now I know this might sound crazy, but hear me out here. Scientists have recently proven that eating foods high in sugar and fat actually forces your metabolism to go into an "overload" state to compensate for the large amount of calories it needs to burn. So making sure you start the day with one or two (or 8) slices of cake is a great way to get your body into a high fat burning state all day long.

3. A glass of wine a day...

...keeps the waistline at bay. Wine is full of antioxidants, which helps burn fat and tone those ab muscles. Not to mention wine has zero calories, so there's never been a better reason to get your drank on.

4. Switch to diet energy drinks

Diet energy drinks contain contain zero calories, meaning you can drink as much as you want without ever having to loosen the seam on your favourite pair of jeans. No more having to limit yourself to just a few glasses at breakfast, lunch and dinner. Nice!

5. kys

Do you not understand the concept of satire?