Story Time

I was in a serious relationship with a woman 10 years older than me. Thats pretty autistic desu senpai. Don't ever do it

I've got a nice one from last weekend

>Be athlete, finally work up courage to ask out cutie in the uni band
>Plan on hiking Saturday morning
>Drive over, awkwardly try to hold her hand
>She just sits there
>Arrive, halfway through hike she wants to take a break, sit at bench and talk
>Decide it's a good idea to try to kiss her
>"user what are you doing"
>Horny/Fear boner is raging through gym shorts
>Try to play off hte kiss, she calls me on it
>"Lets just keep going"
>She sets off on the trail, looks back at me exasperatedly
>Try to hide spaghetti boner as I follow her, she just looks from it to me
>Finish hike and drive back in complete silence
>Haven't heard from her since

Hope y'all are proud of me

How's this
>at gas station pumping gas in the car
>staring around waiting
>look behind me and there's a car with a girl waiting behind me for her turn
>she's looking straight at me smiling from her car
>autismo out and react in a disgusted way looking away

think I got disgusted at her low standards

Good story
Basketball shorts/10

man thats rough. did somebody tell you to try those things with her? tell me who told you to try those things with her.

what made you go for the kiss?

>no life but Veeky Forums and lifting
>to the point where I browse it on mobile in the bus, inbetween classes, during class
>pissed that I cant watch webms on shitty iphone
>decide its a good idea to download the Veeky Forums mobile app (yes there is/was an app) so i can watch webms
>go to a party one night
>chatting up 7/10 blonde qtpa2t
>ask for her number, hand her my phone to give it to her
>unlocks it "oh user, whats this site youre on?"
>"four, chain? whats that user?"
>PANIC.GIF
>sperg out, completely lose my composure
>i-its a new social media site, kind of like tumblr mixed with twitter
>"oh thats so cool user! I'll download it now and then i can follow you on your Veeky Forums!! ;)"
>get phone back, awkward small talk, find a reason to walk away
>block number, never text her

other than that, nothing really

I was trying to assert myself as an alpha male
If CHAD can do it, so can I
I just kind of panicked and went for it

>Walk past really cute girl today in hall
>drink out of my blend bottle
>spills it over my face like a limp retard
Fuck

>at gym, deadlifting
>high school kids just got out of school
>some wannabe jock starts walking on on of the squat bars like a tightrope
>REEEEEEEEEEEE internally
>go to front desk, ask the receptionist what the kids are doing
>she goes to kids, tells them to leave
>thank her, give her a nice $5 tip for doing it
>5 days later find out kid who was walking on the bar ends up overdosing on some xany
>feel bad for about a week

Hey man at least you tried, some aspies on here haven't even tried.

fucking hell bruh

youtu.be/pVhn_tdF3eo

>at least he tried
he succeeded
at being autistic as fuck

I agree I'm a chromosome-riddled goon
Maybe in 2-3 months I'll build up enough courage to ask out another girl adn bring y'all another amusing tale of embarrassment adn ineptitude.

Did she know what a dick is? Sounds like she's the autistic buddypal.

she's a band girl so I guess it's possible, but I've texted her since then and gotten no response so I think I'll just stop stressing about it

Deadlifts won't hurt your feelings, amiright

just don't be such a spastic
do you realize it was just a date?
you're not dating her, you're giving a first impression, which obviously wasn't a good one
don't try to hold her hand or kiss her, make conversation, make her laugh, talk about interesting shit
is it really that difficult???

I guess so
Apologies for offending your clearly refined mannerisms and sensibilities
I'll be over here doing squats
[spoiler]you fucking chad[/spoiler]

>finally talk to the qt girl who has been miring me in class
>couple mins of chat, feeling bretty gud
>asks for my facebook
>tell her i dont use any forms of social media because of their expansive data retention policies
>looks at me like i just killed or cat or something
>makes a forced laugh and asks how do i keep in contact with all my friends
>tell her i dont really have friends and instead spend my time in the library or in the gym
>conversation basically ends there. she makes some comment about having to meet her friend somewhere

I just feel like I'm being baited right now
if you don't understand all that at this point you're hopeless user
Veeky Forums is here for you

You have to lie.

Race traitor

i didnt think it was that bad. everyone should be concerned about kikebooks data policy. if you use it, they own you.

>make yourself seem as undesirable as possible
>make the conversation awkward
hell yeah man keep it up

You redpilled her

>>make yourself seem as undesirable as possible

not true. i go to the gym for precisely the opposite reason

Why not? I can potentially do this exact situation. I'm 19 she's 30

Alpha as fuck t b h nothing better than turning bitches away

Yup this past weekend
>at the bar
>closing time
>I pick up this chick
>take her back to my place
>she tells me she might be on her period
>hormones too high, tell her I don't care
>end up fucking her
>she climbs on top of me
>things get really wet inside, like feels really good
>I finish and she gets off me
>My waist has coagulated blood all over it
>my white bedsheets are covered in it
>she says "I told you babe"
>I brush it off, it's cool

Ruined my softest bed sheets and now my mattress is stained with her blood.
Also no condom

I probably have the AIDS too cuz she was Peurto Rican

you're making yourself undesirable dipshit
saying you don't have a fb is fine
but don't add
>because of their expansive date retention policies
also don't say
>I don't really have friends
and you wonder why you faggots can't land a gf

>be me, collegefag
>"studying" in computer lab on Veeky Forums
>hear distant alarm sound, think nothing of it
>6/10 high test walks into door
>"hey user, get under the desk, there's a lockdown in progress, someone's got a gun"
>had a camera down my throat that morning bc tummy trubs, power level was p low
>activate professionalpussy mode
>hide very well under central computer desk
>practically invisible
>alarm is still going, distant still
>10 minutes later, starting to doubt validity
>swore I saw some people walking around
>the worst thing happens
>computer lab flooded with students, promotly set down at computers
>professor walks in and starts lecturing
>prank'd.gif
>mfw I was unintentionally a voyeur
>lay under desk for 2 hours, contemplating life
>can hear females laughing next door

Hahahahaha

This is rich

Is this real?
I'm going to have nightmares just thinking about this

>that entire part of the story about you downloading the app for webms was unnecessary

yea uh one time the guy behind the counter at my gym told me to have a good workout, and i said "you too"

not lying

Oh shit, did you rape her for revenge?

Here is a story with a girl that actually liked me in hs
>senior year
>she is a junior
>went to prom and we know we like each other
>wanna date her but gonna be leaving the country and go to school far away so just didn't
>she is a super christian girl so fucking her before marriage is most likely impossible
>have a class party at a beach
>invite her
>have a plan to go kayaking to the middle of the lake where there is a secluded tiny island to kiss her
>we go to the island we just sit there and talk about normie shit
>sunset is beautiful, silent moment
>my heart is racing, this is the perfect moment for the first kiss of my life
>get scared and bring up another normie subject to talk about
>I think opportunity is lost, I give up and suggest to head back
>I know she would not reject if I tried to kissed
>kayak back, not talking much, kinda awkward
>salty for not kissing her and think of a plan
>full autism kicks in
>"Hey, Ellie, Im gonna kiss you when I catch up to you"
>she takes it as a joke but lowkey knows Im gonna do it
>rows away from me fast
>I row faster to her
>"WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING"
>I catch up to her and lean my face to her with my eyes closed
>doesnt kiss
>at this point I know its not gonna happen
>another wave of autism kicks in
>"Ca, can i g get a kiss in on the cheeks at least? Haha"
>"Lol sure user"
>Third wave of autism
>think it would be cute if I turned my head right as her lips touch my face
>didnt time it right
>"user! Haha"
>"ok, frl this time"
>I try it again
>she laughs again but seems uncomfortable
>third time I let her do it
>kayak back without talking
>we hugged and said goodbye and I try to skype her and snapchat but it seems like she moved on
Still a kissless virgin to this day where I am 20. I cringe so hard when this memory pops up. Sad because I really knew she liked me and my beta autism ruined it all. If I wasn't so autistic at that time at least I wouldn't be kissless.

Faggot

Not sure if Alpha or Beta

Dude this is a joke autism thread you aren't supposed to go fully autistic

Wait. You're telling me there's a way to watch webms on an iPhone?

Nothing really autistic just a bit strange. I usually go for a piss before my workout and in the bathrooms, a guy was shaving his face. I saw him in the gym about 10 minutes later as if nothing had happened.

Is this normal?

Never tell them you have no friends. The facebook thing is fine; if I were in your position I'd say "I don't use facebook because it's a distraction; I contact my friends on the phone."

Don't tell you have no friends because you come off as a boring cunt; I have no friends too user but I never tell girls that.

Also, my best friend of 15 years is now fucking my ex girlfriend. Friends suck.

>I have a girlfriend I'm not happy with.
> Another grill keeps cuddling up to me at work
>She knows I like her, she told me shes me but I have a gf so we can't do anything
>She invites me round to her house in the daytime
>I go. When I get there she basically kicks everyone out so we're alone. We sit on the sofa and she closes and curtains "because i don't want the neighbours being nosey" and then cuddles up to me.

It's just me and her on the sofa. Curtains closed. We're alone and theres no TV on or anything. She sits right up next to me.

And I didn't do anything just incase I was wrong and it backfired; I didn't want it spreading around work that I got humiliated. A few years later and I'm better in these situations; she was hot as fuck too. I really messed up.

>/arcanine/

Use an app called Merlin

I watch WEBMs all day with it

>Go out with girlfriend for her birthday
>One of her guy friends I've never met keeps trying to "banter" with me
>I'm no good with banter at all. I'm a competitive fighter but I'm no good with banter because I was raised to be polite
>guy keeps trying to banter with me all night
>After a night of being humiliated and the bottom of all the jokes I react and call him out on it with "what's your fucking problem?"
>Suddenly everyone thinks I'm an asshole and he was just "joking"

This is pretty much the story of my life. Tired of being bullied. I started boxing so I could learn to protect myself and it worked; but I'm still a target for bullies because I'm shit at banter. Theres a guy at work who gives me shit constantly and I could shoot him down with "you fat bastard" but then he'd over react and people would say "That was out of order"; even though hes been picking on me for no end of shit. People have double standards.

Can't go around fighting the world Phamalams

Beta story

>at work yesterday
>already bullied for being called hank
>masturbation comes up
>everyone has to say on three how many times a week they masturbate
>remember a fit thread on this
>1, 2, 3
>shout THREE A DAY really loudly
>next nearest was twice a week
>herewith.jpg
>look of disgust on everyone's face
>try to explain I must be 'high test'
>someone makes a test your head joke
>someone else calls me wanky hanky
>"wanky hanky show us your panky" starts ringing around the warehouse
>I literally run away and hide for the rest of my shit, called in sick today

Got a text today from an unknown number saying "you're a freak and no one at work likes you" earlier

About ready to end it all
JUST

kill them

>You're a freak and Noone at work likes you
>didn't respond with "you're a fag and not even your parents love you"

This desu

Tell them that if theyre so pathetic that they don't have the nuts to say it to your face then don't text from an unknown number.

Here goes lads, this one is fresh out the oven

>Get motivated and relatively Veeky Forums after reaching 1/2/3/4
>Decide it's time to escape my status as a wizard's apprentice
>Ask out a cutie from college 1 year my junior
>It all goes well, we nearly fuck on her birthday (kek)
>After that she become really cold towards me
>We go out with a bunch of her girl friends
>She sits next to them and mostly talks with them
>I am scared and autistic, I decide to text her
>After like 3-4 messages she just looks at me weird and replies with
"Why do you never talk to me in public?"
>I suddenly shit myself, start texting more
>She says she has to leave early with the girls to work on a school project
>Breaks up with me over text that evening

This was last night. I spent today trying to get her to meet up with me again and talk things out, but she wouldn't. In retrospect, we were acting as complete strangers at the table and it seems just so bizarre I can't help but laugh about it. It's gonna be awkward as fuck seeing her daily, I have no idea how I'm supposed to act now, but I guess not knowing what to do with her while other people were around got me into this situation.

Kek

kek

>no life but Veeky Forums and lifting

>go to a party one night
>chatting up 7/10 blonde qtpa2t

I don't belive you. It's either one or another.

mfw I'm reading this from Veeky Forums app while in class at uni

>wanky hanky show us your panky

This reminds me of something that happened to me at work yesterday
>Me and the guys are taking a break
>This really weird dude named hank walks up, muttering something about a pony
>feel bad for him so we always try to include him anyway
>Tom jokes how on 3 we should all say how much we masturbate
>1..2...3!
>loud and barely human screech comes from hank
>3 TIMES A DAY HAHAHAHA JIZZ ON ZYZZ BREHS
>everyone is freaked out
>what is a zyzz
>guy goes on to rant about scoring high on his high school exams before passing out
>wake him up and he mutters something about hearing voices everywhere and a hanky shanky
>he runs off and and we don't see him the rest of the day or the next day
>Tom texts him and asks him why he acts so strangely all the time and tells him that he is scaring other workers
>no response yet
>mfw all of this

Not him but I've been in that mode.
Now it's just Veeky Forums and no parties. I barely even lift anymore.

she's your EX user, man the fuck up she isn't yours

>wanky hanky

>Wanky Hanky

That is pretty autismo dude.

You need to stand up for yourself though lad. The unknown number thing is really low, whoever did that is a scumbag.

No condom? With a random girl? On her period? Puerto rican?????!!!!

ARE YOU MAD? GO RIGHT FUCKING NOW TO A DOCTOR AND HAVE YOUR DICK /BLOOD TESTED!

>About ready to end it all
why not take them with you

Banter can be studied, can be improved and can be stopped.

Try to get an easy going but "not going to do this childish thing" attitude, and fight back; just never go 100% (otherwise you are the asshole)

Eventually it will become a second Nature and you will get a lot less banter.

Believe me

I'm with that guy tho.

I don't like being disrespected ie banter.

if you 'banter' with me I will go full autistic and full asshole, tell you you're fat, ugly, manlet, poor, ugly, have no jaw, stupid, your gf is a slut

(Whatever is true of the above- the only insults that offend are the true ones)

Guess what? No one wants to banter with me anymore! People fucking learned not to.

>Guy at work wants to banter

Nothing you can do user, suck it up, take the abuse, or """learn""" to "'""banter"""

*Tips fedora

This was years ago, but I'm wondering if anyone ever reached this level of autism.

In high school I fabricated a story about meeting a girl from a town over and fucking her. Then I doubled down and made a fake MySpace profile of her with a full backstory and even listed her as my girlfriend at a point.

I'm in my 20's and have never admitted it to anyone, probably never will.

Fuck, that rough bro

You went 100% son.
I dont like banter, but its sadly a normal male interaction. Also, its not the end of the world, people are not trying to stablish dominance over you (or any other animal planet bullshit) and you can come alright from a banter exchange.

Just dont go full retarded

you should've flipped your dick, bro

flip it upwards behind your waistband and it won't show. if it's big just be careful not to take off your shirt or anything. works like a charm for me with morning wood

you can just go on google chrome, go to Veeky Forums and click on the webm pic and it'll play.
At least it works on my huawei p7

>random hook up calls you babe
That's the really danger right there.

just call him a fat cunt and assert dominance

GUYS
I have no one to tell since I have no friends, but I basically had a 1-in-a-million chance of getting all As in uni and winning back my scholarship and I FUCKING DID IT
I DON'T HAVE TO DROP OUT

Well done based user, well done

>getting bullied for being called Hank
One of the best TV show characters of all time was called Hank.

>In high school I fabricated a story about meeting a girl from a town over and fucking her

Literally everyone does this

>read the second part

Oh

Haha i fucked a drunk girl and she shite all over me bed. Great larfs. had to burn those sheets though.

hahaha thanks mane. hearty chuckle

This

>it's an Indonesian washing machine repair chatroom

y-yes

Could have just asked for her number... Perfect set up.

>wanky hanky show us your panky
im fucking dying here m8

proud of u bb

can you show us your panky?

>few months ago at the gym
>I am new started, ectomorph, skinny as fuck, weak
>on the arm curl machine
>some big tattooed guy comes over
>gives me friendly advice about how to use the machine in a more effective way
>feel really grateful
>thank him
>make a joke that 'soon I'll be the one giving you the tips'
>he laughs and says he is sure I am
>keep seeing him around the gym
>realise I am basically motivated by my promise to him
>as a joke last month
>wanted to make him laugh because he looked miserable a few times
>watch his workout
>try and find flaws in his workout
>go home
>hand make an advent calendar
>has a picture of my right bicep on which has gotten slightly larger
>behind each door is a piece of advise on how to improve his workout
>most are fun jokes, for example day 24 says 'MAKE YOUR PARENTS USE WEIGHTS AS WRAPPING PAPER!!!'
>all the tips are over enthusiastic because I assumed it was funnier
>one of the doors has a piece of chocolate
>next days tip is 'vomit that up, it was extra calories!!!!!!!!'
>put the calendar into his gym bag with a note saying 'and here are those tips'
>tfw I have seen him staring at me in the gym recently
>looks really pissed off
>on the way out I bumped into him and he shoved into me making me fall over

s-sorry if you are here

i did ask for her number user, thats why she had my phone

...

tell her some distant relative died and you were really sad