How Chad Stole Leg Day

Every Bro down in Gainsville liked Leg Day a lot…
But Chad, who lived just north of Gainsville, did NOT.
Chad hated Leg Day, he saw Leg Day as treason!
Now please don’t ask why. No one quite knows the reason.
It could be that his belt wasn’t fastened just right.
It could be, perhaps, that his glutes were too tight.
But I think that the most likely reason of all,
May have been that his quads were two sizes too small.
Whatever the reason, his glutes or his clothes,
He stood there on Bench Day, hating the Bros.
Staring down from mom’s basement with a sour, Chaddy frown
At the chalk and plates that littered the town.
For he knew every Bro down in Gainsville below
Was busy now, making their bulging legs grow
“And they’re curling their hamstrings!” he snarled with a sneer,
“Tomorrow is Leg Day! It’s practically here”
His stomach growled, with his Chad fingers furiously fapping,
“I MUST find some way to stop Leg Day from happening!”
For tomorrow, he knew, the Bro boys and grills
Would wake and put on their belts, wraps, and frills
And then! Oh, the squats! Oh, the Squats!
Squats! Squats! Squats!
That’s one thing he hated! The SQUATS!

Squats! Squats! Squats!
Then the Bros, young and old, would squat so very deep.
And they’d squat deep, and deep, and deep!
DEEP! DEEP! DEEP!
They’d squat deep with Eleiko bars, nothing slightly more cheap!
Which was something that gave old Chad frights in his sleep!
And THEN, they’d do something he liked least of all.
Every Bro down in Gainsville, the manlets and the tall.
Would stand around the squat rack, with barbells adjusting
They’d lie on the floor, and then start hip-thrusting!
They’d thrust! And they’d thrust! And they’d thrust!
THRUST! THRUST! THRUST!

And the more that Chad thought of this Bro hip-thrusting,
The more that Chad thought: “I must stop this whole thing!”
“Why, for my whole creatine cycle I’ve put up with it now!”
“I must stop Leg Day from coming! But HOW?”
Then he got an idea. An awful idea!
CHAD GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!
“I know just what to do!” Chad laughed, flexed his lat
And he stuffed his loose pants to make him look fat!
And glued pubes to his face: “You mirin my trips?”
“With this beard and this fat, I’ll look just like Mark Rip!”
“All I need is a fat powerlifter…” Chad looked around,
But since fat powerlifters die young, there was none to be found.
Did that stop old Chad? No! Chad simply said,

“If I can’t find a lifter, I’ll make one instead!”
So he called his hambeast Stacy. Then he shaved her head.
Gave her a singlet, made her look inbred.
Then he loaded some tubs, and some old Mutant bags
Threw skis on a squat rack and strapped up his hag
Then Chad said “MUH GAINS” and the rack teetered down,
Towards the gyms where the bros power-napped in their town
All the shakers were empty. Protein farts filled the air.
All the Bros were all dreaming of Zyzz without care.
When Chad came to the first gym on the square.
“This is Bro number one”, Chad Rippetoe hissed
And he muscle-upped to the roof, empty tubs in his fist
Then he slid down the chimney, benching bricks with wide grip
If Real Mark could do it, then so could Chad Rip!
He got pinned only once, just like three plates and two
But he shame-rolled out, and threw the fireplace flew
Where the little Bro shaker cups hung in a row
“These shakers” he grinned, “will give gains to no Bro!”
Then he benched, and he curled, with physique unaesthetic
Around the whole gym, and leaving nothing athletic!
Barbells! Bumper plates! Safety bars! Chalk!
Leg extensions! Hamstring curls! All the leg-training stock!
And he stuffed them in tubs, and Chad, very dimly
Threw the tubs like a Mutant, up through the chimney!
Then he marched to the fridge, he took the Bros’ gains!
He took the Bros’ GOMAD, he took the multigrains!
He emptied their fridge like a grill with high test

Why, Chad even took their very last chicken breast.
He pounded their gains like his shakes, back to back
“And now!” grinned Chad, “I will steal their squat rack!”
And Chad grabbed the rack, and turned quickly to flee
For he heard quite a sound: A deafening REEEEEEEEE!
He saw a small Bro near the door he came through
Why this little manlet wasn’t more than 6’2”!
Little Scooby Y-you-Too he was named by his crew
Chad had been caught by this robot deep-squatter
Who’d got out of bed for protein and water.
He stared at Chad and said “Rippetoe, why?”
“What are you taking our squat rack, why?”
But you know, old Chad was so smart and redpilled,

He thought up a lie, he felt very skilled!
“Why, my sweet sempai” the fake Rippy-toe lied,
A bar in this cage won’t unrack on one side!

So I’m taking it back to Wichita, Bro,
Fix it, return, and watch your quads grow!”
And his lie fooled the robot, he patted his glutes,
And he got him some tuna and talked about sloots
And Scooby Y-you-Too went back to his bed
Chad looked like smug frog as the plan went ahead!
The last thing he took was the preworkout mix
He snorted some quickly to get a quick fix
In the gym he left nothing but treadmills for the chicks
The one lifting thing that Chad had left on the step
Was a small speck of chalk, too little for one rep.
Then he did the same thing to the other Bro gyms!
Leaving too little chalk, stealing other Bro stims

It was quarter past dawn, all the Bros, still asleep

All the Bros still napping when about Chad did creep
He packed up his rack-sleigh with equipment he took!
The glute machines! The dumbbells! The sleeves! The last SS book!
Three thousand feet up! Up the side of Mt. Pumpit,
Chad rode with his load to the edge just to dump it!
“You mirin, you Bros?” he was devilishly humming
“They’re realizing now that no Leg Day is coming!”
“They’re waking up now, I know just what they’ll do!”
“They’ll cry to their Rippetoe, and Zyzz, Scooby too!”
“The Bros down in Gainsville will cry out Y-you too!”
“That’s a noise”, grinned Chad, “That I simply must hear!”
So he paused. And Chad put his hand to his ear
And he did hear a sound rising up from the gym
It started in low, it started quite dim
But the sound wasn’t sad! Why, it sounded like aesthetics!
It was the sound of the bros discussing genetics!
He stared down at Gainsville! Chad felt such disgust!
He shook and he trembled, he even cussed!
Every Bro down in Gainsville, manlets and tall!
Were hip-thrusting each other! With no barbells at all!
He hadn’t stopped Leg Day from coming! IT CAME!
Somehow or other, it came just the same
And Chad, with his deep brow furled, in the snow,
Stood puzzling and puzzling: “How could it be so?”
“It came without squat racks! It came without shoes!”
“It came without lifting plugs, coaches or cues!”
And he puzzled five minutes, till his puzzler was sore.
Then Chad thought of something he hadn’t before

“Maybe Leg Day” he thought “doesn’t come from a rack”
“Maybe Leg Day, perhaps, is when Bros have your back”
And what happened then? Well…in Gainsville they say,
That Chad’s tiny quads grew three sizes that day!
And the minute his glutes didn’t feel so tight
He brought back the gear to make Leg Day right
And the Bros let him train, and with all of his might
Learned how to squat for the first time that night.

Merry christmas user

lotta effort for an unhired gun

are you a moderator here

this is all i wanted for christmas

= )