Gym grabbler grabs the poop scissors from the locker room

>the snoot fell off of the dingler again and the echanic has died of dissentary
>tfw no dingler volumetrics for at least a fortnight

>gym hoofer no longer snuflorps

Can someone draw a picture of this?

>no one has cleaned out the manlet pit for at least a month and the stench is awful

>have earned biceps, triceps, and quadceps but still not a receptionist

My gym locker room has them chained to the stalls like pens at the bank so no one can walk off with them accidentally.

> used to rent vidya from blockbuster
> will never be able to do it again

>pull day
>almost done, just gotta do curls
>find a nice corner all by myself
>start going through a set
>some dude with massive thighs walks to the water fountain, sees me doing curls
>ohfuck.jpeg
>i plead him to say nothing
>"WHAT THE FUCK DUDE" he shouts
>"i-its not what it looks like"
>"YOU SICK FUCK"
>he grabs me by my hair and drags me to the front counter
>"I caught this freak doing CURLS in the corner"
>the gym staff shakes their head in disappointment
>i try to start explaining myself
>they tell me to shut the fuck up
>parents are called
>they arrive and my mom has clearly been crying
>"user - is it true?"
>"it's not what it looked like-"
>mom bursts into treats
>dad pulls her away from me
>"you're no son of mine. stay the fuck away from our home"
>they leave
>gym record has me registered as a curlbro
>banned from my current gym
>no gyms will accept my membership
>also homeless

w-will i ever make it, brehs?

>Squat plug falls out during my set

This post was so reddit it hurt my physically.

kek

am i the only one here who's never been to reddit and therefore doesn't know what the fuck this statement means?

>Got caught peeping on the zoomba class again
>Manager sends Shaandaar to catch me by a toe
>I holler
>He lets me go
>Finnish set

>TFW a gym member doesn't tip the jack-off room operator and doesn't rewind the VHS tapes

i just came back from planet fitness and nobody moved the little plastic table from the center of the pizza and when i reached over some hambeast thought i was grabbing more than 1 slice per chin and the staff pulled the lunk alarm and i got my tumblr handle posted on the shame wall again this week

>Preacher Bench on trial for sodomy and the rabbi rack performing a bris

>Gym shaman forgot to perform the daily cleanse so now the bench is haunted by angry spirits

Fuck when this happens, I knew those evil spirits weighed the bar down. Fuck 'em.

that reminds me
>go to a school that has poop scissors chained to the walls (low-income school, i know)
>you knew which stall had a kid pooping in it because of the chain
>my mates and i used to wait a bit then yank on the chain really hard
>we stopped when the kid accidentally cut his clitoris off
>we bolted out before anyone saw us and we see him with his pants around his ankles and his poop and his labia majora in his hand
>never got caught

>gym bookie refusing to pay me for my bet on the janitor committing suicide
>now can't afford the troll toll to get into the showers
>not allowed to eat the receptionist's ass anymore

>angry spirit haunting the squat rack spooks you mid-rep and gives you a mean charlie horse

>gym physicist fucked with gravity again and everyone PR'd.

>Angry spirit invading your colon while you're squatting, pushing shit through your intestines faster causing you to do one less rep than needed and forcing you to run to the bathroom to excise the demon in the toilet.

Holy shot that run on sentence

>tfw the gym hires this fucker to sell the gym's potions and he keeps giving you a hard time

I'm gonna file a fucking complaint if he keeps doing this. my workouts have been shit without my potion

I think it means trying to be quirky. The humour never really pushes boundaries and is done to death. Pretty much safe auto-pilot humour

Underrated boast

s-sauce

>smashed all 7 of the gym psychic's chakras and now she gives me dirty looks when I walk past

>Locker room goblin stole my 6' high heels.
>Tripped manlet detector on the way out.
>squat plug rights revoked and forced to re rack all pl8s

>tfw you miss your PR because the gym medium decided to do his table levitations in the middle of your workout and sapped everyone's energy.

that fucker's spirit control called me a manlet too. i don't even know why we keep him around

>feed protein shakes to little jew boys that hide in my locker in exchange for their cum so i can get an extra test boost before my workout
>gym gestapo comes for a shakedown (these come once a month so we're prepared)
>im a skelly fag that wears baggy pants. order each one into a seperate pant leg, making my lower body look lumpy and disproportionately large in comparison to frail upper body
>officer checks lockers, fins nothing then gives me a strange look, demands to know what i have in my pants
>tell him i do SS, he apologizes and leaves
that was a close call but i think they might catch on soon

>Some asshat released the gym golem
>have to wait 10 minutes in the designated gym fart room while the Trainers and shamens gather potions to capture the golem
>Can't wait long enough have to finish my set (losing pump fast)
>Sprint to the bench and bust out 5 reps before shamans yell at me for interfering with spell
>They cast spell on me, now have a severe case of RTS (rumblin' tummy syndrome) for the rest of my workout
>Don't get my numbers, can't squat too heavy because scared of taking a dump in my tuxedo
>Always workout in tuxedo because my guidance counselor told me to dress for the job I want (I want to be an actor)
>TFW golem was caught by playing the gym flute which some asshat hid in the janitor's closet

I think it's time for a new gym.

Sometimes they're just being dicks. Also only faggot redditors know what it's like on Reddit.
>Veeky Forums master race standing by and standing with you

>eagle
It's falcon, dummy

Falcons are for the kinoplex you stupid whore if you tried to bring a falcon to the muscleflex you would be shot

>the wolves haven't been fed all week

...

>ran out of quarters in so had an odd number of plates from the plate dispenser
>had to deadlift sideways

That's why you're there!

>OHP bars everywhere
>not a single Squat bar to be found

>went to gym with the plague
>half the regulars haven't been since

Sauce

>gym rapper won't even rap i wish by skee lo to irritate the manlets

>All barbells are already rented out for the day

>someone is squatting in the curling rack

>you got banned from your gym doe a month because the resident break dancer schooled you in front of everyone and you started crying

>shirtless out of shape middle aged men doing odd isolation exercises running from set to set around the whole gym while linken park plays
>so disturbed by the commotion I can't even finish my gallon

Shit dude, don't ever cry, even if you walk away without dancing, it's only a 1 day suspension.

I'm too much of a normie to understand any of this autistic rambling. Translation please?

What are you literally talking about? This has nothing to do with real gym experiences

I saw one dude get the lifetime suspension once. he got schooled so bad he pulled out the glock and shot his own dick off.

Spike was the reason I started smoking.
[spoiler]Spike was my hero.[/spoiler]

>when that weird guy walks in so everyone starts acting like autists and doing simple compound exercises in a great coordinated mockery that is apparent to everyone but said weird guy

>everyone in the ohp racks trying to sit on the ground with weight in their hands

You mean The Press bar

You mean the gym javelin

aids cured his stomach cancer from too many supplements

OONF!

>coupon for one free lift expired yesterday

>gym rented out all the equipment to the local refugee shelter so they can make more gains to repay past wrong doings

how am I supposed to survive the race war and get a cute gf now?

>spaghetti fountain has been tampered with again
>thankfully have extra pouch in my gym bag along with extra poop scissors for such occasions
>smear down the overhead lunge machine
>realize it was my diarrhea pouch and not the spaghetti
>liquid poop is smeared all over the place
>the pansexuals and gym eunichs are starting to take notice
>quickly go rent a leafblower from the receptionist
>leave a tip
>scramble to blow all of the diarrhea down to the manlet pit
>turns out the anthropromorphic tuba working out next to me had a spaghetti tub the whole time.
>tfw close call bros

>gym monkey locked me inside the bathroom again

>wrap boy put knee wraps on my wrists again

well done

>tfw you hit a PR on your birthday and everyone else in the gym has to sing to you

kek

The gym employees always sing for people on their birthdays at my gym, PR or not.

>accidentaly switched my creatin pills with my viagra
>now every rep I deadlift makes me erection harder
>hit 7 new PRs in one lifting session and intimidated every other guy in the gym

>Didn't change my phone for daylight savings time and forgot about 5:00PM Rodeo.
>Gym cowboy on horse comes out and runs around and lassos up one member
>It was 5:00PM and I was too stupid to hide because I didn't change my phone and remember to hide at 5.
>He lassos me and says "Get 'on up her' now bhoi! Clean them floorz up reel good!"
>Have to pick up the plates, wipe up the vomit room and re-stack the bars because I got caught

fug

>gym miasmancer keeps summoning gas elementals

Help

just get your warlock to curse her and do a banishing ritual to get rid of them

Please someone screen this thread

Screen it for what?

Good posts worth screening

>someone snatched my barbell while I was having a quick wank in the sauna

>Feelin' fit today
>Nobody asks me if I'm feelin' fit
Guess I'm not a lucky guy :(

Here you go, my man.

...

This thread is on a whole new level of autism, someone explain pls

Don't you guys feed them gain goblins? We used to use manlets but now we're resourceful

>designated shitting bench is closed for repair
>poop myself doing squats
>my gym rating goes from AAA to AA and I have my glutes revoked

>walk into gym
>head to the squat rack
>start doing squats
>look around
>naked guy running on all fours around the center of the gym
>squat plug and chain with 4pl8 attached
>two other naked ripped guys with goblin masks chasing after h im
>they keep slapping his ass with belts
>look to to the left
>blond spiky haired guy wearing weighted armpads and legspads
>dbz t-shirt
>he's shoving 1lb internal weights into his anus
>look to the right
>two lean dudes are doing 2pl8 penile lifts
>one guy's squat plug falls out
>realize I walked into the openly gay side
>head for the closet
>people are wearing clothes and doing normal workouts
>finish the rest of my routine

screencap, my bad.

...

i spy a good post

>missed the bench deadline so I have to stretch again

>Squat plug inspection day
>The guy is 12" flaccid

>accidentally summon Chainex with the rowing machine
>gym ombudsman puts me on administrative leave

>plate washer wouldn't give me a hot clean plate without a tip