FPS/FPH/FHG

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A classic

flawless logic, Virgie.

Jesus Christ.

This shake has about 11 megajoules.

You could tank fucking aircraft with that.

Thanks god that in cuckrope we have "only" 475 kcal version of this shit. starbucks.com/menu/drinks/frappuccino-blended-beverages/chocolate-cookie-crumble-frappuccino-blended-beverage

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these arent that bad tho
'just do it' is a valid approach to things when you're running out of motivation/willpower

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I had never seen this it is really good
>"Why don't you save your sisters' life before she accidentally gets harpooned by someone"
>"I wanted to give you time to get back from your second lunch"
>"Just because you throw up occasionally because you eat too much doesn't mean you're bulimic"

Can't imagine what went through these whales' heads when reading this, wish I was there.

>she isn't smart
>she isn't funny
>she isn't pretty
>she will never be a size 2

Can I tell y'all about the time I got catfished?

>Fatfished

>wife left me for some dadbod secretary with a child
>I don't want children and never have, thought she wanted the same but turns out she thought she could change my mind
>not bitter
>Haven't been near or in any pum pum for two years at this point because I'm a serial monogamist and wife was my first
>Jump on POF to try and find something substantial because tinder is all manwhores and ladywhores
>talk to a girl for three weeks and we finally decide to meet up for lunch on my break at work
>"There's a lovely pizza place right next to where you work and I'll take you so you get there in time"
>Sure why the fuck not. Pizza it is. No girl has ever offered to pick ME up before.
>I-is this what 2017 is?
>"you'll LOVE my car it's a classic"

At this point it's worth mentioning all her photos are 2-3 years old but they're all group photos. I figured she just wanted to make herself look more social. Whatever
>BOY was I wrong
>excitedly tell everyone at work I'm off to a date and she's picking me up instead of asking me to go get her
>I show them her profile, they're mirin. mixed race curly haired qtpie with a pear shaped figure. the hips always get me
>a 15 year old VW golf pulls up by the window. This is the car she told me was classic
>All the girls at work drop what they're doing to run to the window to see her
>her car is leaning to one side

>She gets out
>she is no longer pear shaped but she is full on bowling pin shaped.
>thicc
>she is about 30kg larger than her photos
>all the weight has gone to her thighs like squidward when he eats all the krabby patties

>The girls all turn around to look at me
>expression is pic related
>"Have fun on your date"
ctd

>at this point I'm in too deep
>sign out for my hours lunch and take a deep breath and walk out.
>bowlingpin-chan excitedly waves at me
>despite the extra weight NONE of it has gone to her face. She's still cute as hell.
>my dry dick knows no boundaries so I go hug her
>sweat gets ALL over my arms
>THE SMELL. oh god the smell
if you've ever smelled agar with a 'fruity' culture like pseudomonas, imagine that mixed in with sweet candy perfumes.

>"you're even hotter than your photos!!"
>resist the urge to say something about hers
>"th-thanks."

>Give one final desperate glance towards the window and catch all my colleagues laughing their asses off
>never will I live this down

>She drives LIKE AN ABSOLUTE MANIAC with her car pulling to the right hand side
>overtaking people on 20mph single lane roads, driving on the wrong side of the road
>the pizza place is A FUCKING PIZZA HUT BUFFET
>"This is why I suggested lunch. Their buffet is so good but it's only available before 2pm. And it's only £7 if you don't buy drinks!"
>She parks like an asshole but it's to give herself room to get out I guess
>We go inside and she gets three plates of pizza and a large bowl of pasta salad
> I get 2 slices and actual salad
>"Good. I love it when my men keep themselves tight."
>She winks
>My dick shrivels up and retracts like a tortoise back into its shell
>"I love to take care of my body. I do Pilates videos three times a week which is why I have to eat so much to maintain my muscle mass."
>"Yeah i-"
>"that's why it's so important to me that a man KNOWS I'm a beautiful woman who needs to eat PROPERLY."
>"Well yes I-"
>"Now are you going to keep talking about yourself or are you going to the listening like a good man should?"
>bitch hasn't let me get a word in edgeways
>I excuse myself to the toilet
>She grins at me and I give her a funny look. Get up wordlessly and go to the bathroom.
ctd.

On the plus side you earned points at work with everyone for at least powering through one date and not looking really shallow. But wtf man why the fuck would you tell some internet stranger exactly where you work?

>"Good. I love it when my men keep themselves tight."
>mfw

>just as I sit down on my porcelain refuge I hear the door open and huffing as if someone had just sprinted 100m and knocked out 6 people to get to the door
>"so WHICH STALL ARE YOU IN HUBBY?"
>WHAT THE FUCK
>"listen you're mistaken I just needed a piss before I have to go back to work"
>she chuckles like Goofy
>"I know what THAT's code for."
>She starts banging on the door trying to get it open
>"Unlock this so I can show you a good time"
>"look I'm trying to be polite, PLEASE don't do this"
>"Why are you resisting? We both know it's been a while for you. Let me show you what a real woman can do for you"
>"PLEASE fuck off and let me piss in peace"
>she starts breathing heavier and banging on the door
>I snapchat the whole thing to my coworkers so they know why I'm going to be late coming back to work
>and if I die at least someone can testify against her
>She's getting angrier and starts grunting and screeching
>"WHY the fuck do I always get rejected by fucking ROIDED AIRHEADS like you"
>"I just want to show you some actual pleasure that doesn't involve fucking a bag of bones"
>"You could just make this easier and LET ME IN"
>"YOU fucking men all watch porn but when a girl learns from it and tried something like that in real life you're not about it"
ctd

At this point a waiter has heard the noise and comes into the bathroom
>"Ma'am this is the men's bathroom please explain what you're trying to do in here"
>she instantly steps away from the door and her voice turns sickly sweet
>"I'm sorry this man invited me in and I just didn't understand the filth he had in mind so I panicked and freaked out!!!"
>The waiter doesn't care
>"this is the men's bathroom, please leave, I can stand here between the stall and yourself so he can't do anything to you" he says in what I can only imagine is the zero fucks attitude making only £5.50/hr leads you to develop
>"Wow thank you you're my hero, what a hunk, why don't you escort me out?"
>"Please leave, miss. I'll stand here between you and this guy."
>She huffs and finally leaves
>"I just wanted a fucking piss, man" I say out loud and the waiter laughs
>I give it 10 mins before I leave the stall
>of course she's dined and dashed now. Pay for the meal and walk the 25mins back to work in the rain
>Everyone laughs at me as I walk in soaking wet looking like a smacked arse
>teased relentlessly and my only response is to say "at least I made it out alive"

>for the next two weeks I found angry anonymous reviews on Yelp about the pharmacy I work at
>poorly spelled with zero grammar
I'll search for the funniest of the reviews and post them if I find them

>the girls tell me they sweat they still see a 15 year old golf leaning to the right drive past every so often

>my qt Veeky Forums assistant pity fucks me to make up for the ordeal
Lol jk

>delete POF
>Swear off women forever

fucking in the mirror is great, I can 'mire myself while I pound

its strange how i wish this was fake but at the same time also wish it was real. fat people are truly at a new level of delusion and insanity.

meant to say swear, not sweat.
>i am dyslexia

>telling an e-date where you work

Dumb fucking move dude.

Wish this was fake but I still havent lived it down, ruined my workplace's google reputation and every viable female option within a 5mile radius
>I-it's ok I'm married to my lifts

So you're fucked for dating too? I feel bad for you man. That shit sucks when all you tried to do was be honest.

Freak shows have been around for ages.

>>my qt Veeky Forums assistant pity fucks me to make up for the ordeal
>Lol jk

Good one haha

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>unfried rice
What? You mean like regular rice?? How bad do you have to be that you think you need to clarify when you're not eating fried rice?

I hate that man so much.

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Lol I found the fake google reviews. The yelp ones got deleted because a couple mentioned me by name

>female
>smart
>funny

Choose one and only one.

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>32 fl oz
Why would you drink more than 8

>all posted at the same time
Luckily any person with an IQ in the double digits will be able to tell it's just some butthurt idiot or think it's a rival store.

How does your workplace feel about this?

Oh my god

I'm a pharmacist so the only person I'm 'underneath' at work is the pharmacy owner and we're bros, as a business we take care of about 1500 patients, some fake google reviews isn't going to affect that

She's got fat tits, would fuck without regret and leave

>4 hours a week

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That and who gives a shit about a review of a pharmacy anyway? I care about restaurants but I wouldn't consider looking up reviews for a pharmacy ever.

I was looking through old photo albums. I saw how fat ive been since i was a young child and i threw up for like 30 minutes at the realisation ive fucking wasted my life so far.

paid for my first months gym membership lads, its about bloody time i did it.

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wouldn't stick my dick in even if she was the last girl on Earth, disgusting

Why even bother?

Fuck... I just found out that "pepperoni pizza" is not pizza with pic related... this makes everything so much worse

Why the fuck would think a bell pepper is pepperoni?

The blue text is just stating what the original said, really. Minus the second half. They're so dialed in on skinny hate they don't even comprehend words
Its not bad advice, the way you're interpreting at least. The way that's phrased is more "just do the bare minimum, you got ben and Jerry's in the fridge and Quantico is on in 15"

Because in my language bell peppers are called peperoni and i thought americans were just writing it wrong

This just pisses me off. I personally eat poorly and average about 2500-2900 calories per day, and I know this because I LOOK at what I'm eating. How can you do all of what is in the pic and go "oi m8 ids breddy gud innit rite?" Stupid shit.

Yeah I was banging this Italian girl who thought this exact same thing

I know people fatter than this worlds fattest man...sad times.

>roughly a days worth of calories for a grown man
>roughly ten (10) days worth of sugar
Fuck. Me.

That's something that you should never consume unless you're an inmate on death row who is about to have his last supper. I bet there are fatties who have this a few times a week though. I must say, however, I bet that thing is fucking amazing.

>I bet that thing is fucking amazing

For whom? I quit keto for a while in March and it took weeks for my tongue to handle sweet stuff again.

Good to hear man, but getting started is the easy part. Just remember trying doesn't count for shit and you're a fat fuck until you're not a fat fuck, don't pat yourself on the back for paying some fee, save it for when you actually get where you want to be, then you can throw a damn parade

I hope this is real but it sounds way too good to be. If this was a movie script and I was in charge of green lighting it, I'd tell you that this is too over the top and no one would believe it.

Maybe pepperoni sausages have red capsicum in them and that's where they got their names from?

>For whom?
For people who aren't doing something like keto?

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>that cigarette
disgusting

OP sounds too pathetic for it to be fake lol at least you'd make yourself likeable in a fake story

Perhaps lol. It just screams "From the minds Adam Sandler and Rob Schneider..." to me.

She actually looks too akward and grannylike to write shit like that

At what point did she think getting a man like that was realistic?

>That 5 star misclick
>Followed by a statement of being diabetic

heh

No, according to wikipedia it's just pork and beef

are you Italian by chance? this one Italian guy i know thought i meant bell peppers when i said pepperoni too.

>Akwardly grab the bar
>Strain and curse as I do everything in my power to lift myself
>Let go of the bar, beet red and sweaty
>Defeated once more
>Refuse to give up
>Determined to drop the weight to do my first pull-up
>Some time later
>Lost a lot of weight in a short amount of time
>Hoist myself up like it's nothing
>Don't know if it's sweat or tears in my eyes
>One of the happiest moments in my life
>Grin like a madman

And to think, all I had to do was to take off my backpack

Yep

She probably comes from a family where the women were """strong""" and the men were whipped bitches. Now she's entitled to get her own whipped bitch. The delusion is astounding:

>wouldn't date a bald(ing) man
>looks like she's balding herself

>wouldn't date a guy over 200lb (I assume this doesn't consider jacked guys)
>is probably pushing 175lb herself

>stressed that she likes men, not boys (reads like she means someone who has their life in order)
>which would be reasonable to demand if not for...

>she is virtually unemployed by Target (not judging, but don't act like this somehow entitled you to a doctor or even a guy making $50,000 per year)
>add to this that she looks and is likely in her mid-20s or even as old as 30 (also makes me think this since her age cutoff is 31 for men)

She's getting exactly what she deserves out of men right now: nothing. She has nothing to offer financially or physically. And judging from her lacklustre profile, I'm going to go out on a limb and say that she won't exactly stimulate your mind either.

imagine being so fat that your pinky toe cant touch the floor

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Daily reminder that HAES is a liberal invention and that fat acceptance and making the obese a protected class will both be platforms of the Democratic Party soon enough.

there's no fucking way this happened

Jesus fucking Christ. What a rollercoaster of a ducking read

Took some time to read, was ok fun

Technically I can choose smart and funny if I don't choose female.

Shoulda got your dick sucked at least

fucking manlet won

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH WHAT THE FUCK WHY WOULD YOU POST THAT

hey at least they're doing something about it

>free smells

I want a refund

>>I don't want children and never have, thought she wanted the same but turns out she thought she could change my mind

there's your problem you fucking cuck
unless you're black shitskinned indian then props for you for standing your ground m8

Because pepperoni is a made up meat and pepperoni literally means peppers

immortalized for all