Haven't shat in a week

>haven't shat in a week

>have eaten 10 jars of peanut butter last week
>still hasn't left my body

>over the counter laxatives

Literally don't work, I took double the recommended dose and just gave myself a case of stomach cramps

Heroin is fucking awesome

Whenever you do, remember to call the guys in Zürich.

>constant urge to pee

>pump lube into your ass
>push until the head of the turd just protrudes from your asshole
>grab wine corkscrew
>twist corckscrew into turd
>push while pulling on turd
>extract turd

See a doctor for a colonoscopy incase you have cancer in your bowels or something heavily lodged blocking the way

eat an entire box of raisin bran and i guarantee you will be shitting within 14 hours

get an enema

This is too difficult to understand.
Can someone make a drawing?

>tfw I have a secret instant noodle which I eat whenever I want to take ballistic shits
I'm slowing down on it though, too scared I might not be able to shit without it.
On the other hand, if I workout today, tomorrow morning 100% sure I shit before showering, downside is that during weekends I don't lift.

Think of a wine bottle
Now imagine the cork as your shit and the tip of the bottle as your bum hole.

eat an entire bag of frozen broccoli and then drink two cups of coffee

if that doesn't make you shit then you should probably see a doctor

Not working.
A drawing would work best

Enemas and 5 kinds of OTC laxative just gave me horrible, horrible crying-and-bleeding-on-the-bathroom-floor-for-3-hours-cramping, but I found prucalopride helped with motility in a non-violent way. Eating a lot of fruit also helps. Aloe Vera juice is a winner. I have IBS + slow transit caused by seratonin production/uptake issues (I'm clinically depressed, these things are linked) so I know those feels. If you leave it too long you'll get pain around your ribcage that feels like gallstones or some shit. Your colon may even rupture.

>twist corckscrew into turd

this needs a wikihow

Just put on a rubber glove and lube yourself up and pull it out manually.

Two cups of dry oats in yogurt followed by two cups of strong coffee.

Really gets the bowels moving.

You mean something like this?

i shit twice a day

...

He wants the pic so he can post it on reddit

ye but you don't have to start pissing wtf

Get checked for diabetes. It's either that or you have a very severe glandular problem, probably cancer.

ok the piss got me

>piss

...

T H I C C

I had this a little while back. So worried I had cancer or something. Went away in a few days luckily.

cute butt

don't put me in the screen cap

screw the corkscrew into the turd then pull

...

>my sides
>space

>pissing
>not stimulating your prostate
>not cumming from koprophalus pleasure

new to /fit I see

>shit every day, first thing in the morning
>occasionally have late morning and evening shits too
Your diets are all fucked up.

wood berry