SELF DEFENSE THREAD

My mother, father, mother-in-law all like to "jokingly" smack me on the head or back pretty damn hard.

How do you defend yourself?

Harden up kid.

"Stop that it's annoying"

I have no idea what you mean by that.

Did you think I start crying when they do it or something?

Only makes it worse.

Pretty much this, the next time someone does it ask them to please not do it anymore.
If they keep doing it, yell at them to fuck off.
If they keep doing it, hit them back.

Jokingly break their jaw! It will be hilarious!

Slap them on the ass. Alternately this

I used to have a mate who "jokingly" hit my head with the palm of his hand every now and then and it really annoyed me, I did it back to him a few times but he thought it was all fun and games.
One day he hit me and I just snapped, I kicked him really fucking hard in the shins, he never did it again.

judo

Mates are different though. These are my parents. And mother-in-law.

>if I tell my mom to stop smacking me it only makes it worse
This is even too retarded to be bait. Are you on bath salts?

It's very simple user.

Why does she do it?
Because she thinks I like it?
No, she does it specifically because I don't like it.

So if I tell her to stop, that only makes her penis harder.

that was amazing

So stop visiting her?
Supposedly you are married already so it wouldn't be an issue.
But of course that's not actually what happens. You tried to make an epic "how do i beat my mom up xD" thread to post the HILARIOUS replies on r/Veeky Forums but since noone told you to rape or murder her you try to double down until you get the reply you want to post.

Not sure if this is report worthy

keep your phone video recorder or sound recorder on in your pocket whenever you are around them. have enough storage left in your phone for the longest time periods you would be around them. whenever they get physical ask/tell them to stop hitting you. don't say "stop that's annoying". and don't provoke them or come off as the aggressor in any way. if you have no other choice but to stand your ground, and i mean no other choice like they are physically blocking your path and you would have to push or punch one of them to escape, then go and fuck them up. but still keep that recorder in your pocket. you are the innocent one. doesn't matter at that point whether or not you contact the cops or they do, you have the evidence to win the case.

Just be on your guard and stop being a pussy.

Someone tries to smack your head, catch their arm. You don't need to knock them the fuck out.

If that's not good enough for them and they try harder or get mad and try again, simply block karate style, avoid softening the impact and in the direction they are hitting from. Hitting a persons arm in a block can be painful, and they can't complain about you hurting their arm while they tried to hit you.

>self defense is about beating people up

Oh boy.

That's quite a lot of projection user, maybe see a shrink.

Are you stronger physically?
Then when they do it, grab the wrist and hold it tight as if you were squeezing an orange and autistically look them in the eye until they either look away or ask why you do that.
Then just say "don't do it again" and keep looking at them.
Likely they will make that "one last joke / comment" so save their pride in damage control. Let them have their "point" and they won't do it again.

You dont need self defense in this situation, you balls and integrity

The smack comes from behind, it's impossible to grab the hand right away.
And it would be kind of awkward to grab a hand when it's already back on the table.

What was that, some kind of judo ?

there was a bully in middle school who used to give me shit all of the time. i'd try to be fair and nice to him using reason. he didn't stop and it was whenever he saw me in the halls or outside. one day at recess my friend pointed him out and said "get him". like a literal dog it flipped a switch and i tackled him as he was screaming, busted his lip open and almost put him to sleep in a simple anaconda choke. but a supervisor was there to stop it.

Even afterward is OK. Unless you're just bait or looking for excuses.
As indicated in the filename, a variation of tai otoshi, with the two hands on the sleeve.

This is so badass.

one time i got jumped with one of my friends. there were 12 guys but only 2 hit us. my friend got punched once. i got punched three times. they backed up immediately waiting for us to do something. amazingly we literally turned and walked away scott free. the next day we got 14 of us and found 1 of them. that was the last time they picked on us. the neighborhood continued to be safe.

>a simple anaconda choke

lol! that was my instinct

It's all in the reflex's. When they slap you you should "accedently" kick the closest furniture.

liver shot

smack on the back, yes
smack on the head, no

next time someone tries to smack you in the head, tell them they're being annoying. If it persists because they have a mind of a 13-yo, leave the room, leave the house, leave

stupid people needs to be trained with negative reenforcement like dogs

The smacks on the back were pretty damn forceful, the hollowness of my lungs reverberated throughout the room.

These people are doing it to make some kind of point.

beat the shit out of them

stop being a pussy. If it actually hurts charlie horse them in the shoulder. Me and my cousins used to do that all the time.