Help me

I read the sticky, and I have been on Veeky Forums for years. I see everybody posting about their gains etc and it pisses me off
I have weighed 140lbs for 6 years and cannot gain weight. I eat a minimum of 3500 calories a day and I exercise 3x a week for 20 minutes each time using weights. For the last 6 months I have done 5x12 for every exercise with the most weight I could use for each exercise while still completing that amount of reps. and the previous 6 months I did 5x5 with the highest weight I could for those amount of reps. I haven't done cardio in 6 years. I work for customer service from my home and lay in my bed all day while I work, eating when I'm not on the phone. Again, a minimum of 3500 calories a day, and sometimes up to 6000 calories in a day, and I haven't gained or lost a single pound in 6 years. I also take a multivitamin and drink plenty of water. I tried not drinking water because I read that water can "help you lose weight" and I swapped over to just drinking beer (I saw a documentary that said sumo wrestlers drink beer instead of water to keep on weight) and still didn't gain a pound (3500 calories of food + what ever amount of calories 8 beers a day gave me).
I am literally doing anything I can to prevent myself from burning calories. I've been to several doctors that tell me there is nothing wrong with me or "you just have a fast metabolism".
>Food determines how big you are. If you consume more calories than you expend, you will get bigger. Regardless of your metabolism, body composition, genetics, or whatever, your body must obey the laws of physics and biological imperatives.
that is from the sticky, and I am really getting fucking pissed. my goal isn't just to gain muscle, I want to gain fat.
Do you know who DJ Qualls is? If you don't, fucking google him. I'm as skinny as that fucker is and I'm 6ft tall at 140lbs
tl;dr
>6ft 140lbs
>cant gain weight
>sticky doesnt apply to me
>wat am i doing wrong
>how to fix

get on dat dere gomad young lad

ran out of room in that post but heres my routine
monday - about 100 calf raises, squats 5x12 - deadlift 5x12 - pullups 3 sets of 20
wednesday is chest shoulders biceps/triceps, close grip bench, wide grip bench, incline bench, and flies all 5x12, regular and hammerhead curls 5x12, weighted dips 5x12, front/side/rear delt raises 5x12
friday i do the same as monday except i work abs too

Low test?
more protein
Exercise longer/more often 20 minutes it's nothing most stay in the gym for 1-2hours
gosh I wish I had your problem lol, Maybe you just have bad genetics for lifting

i fucking did gomad and i still didnt gain weight. i even changed from regular milk to chocolate milk because it has more calories. i have thrown up chocolate milk from trying to drink too much of it in a day. it doesnt taste like chocolate coming back up either

If what you posted is accurate, you have a serious thyroid disease or some other digestive issue. You can't take in that amount of calories and stay 140.

See better doctors.

also seems like your working for cardio not mass
less reps - higher weight = more mass
more reps -less weight = toning

try a 5x5 with gomad
>gallon of milk a day

Okay well... If you truthfully have counted calories and CONSISTENTLY eat 3k plus, while CONSISTENTLY... Mkay.. Eating foid EVERY DAY... Mkay, then you've got some for of disease, go check up at the doctors

2 years ago i was spending 4 hours a day in the gym because i was competing in martial arts and my trainer and my doctor told me i wasnt gaining weight because i was working out for too much time and it was causing me to burn excess calories, which is why i lowered my workouts to 20 minutes. sometimes they go a little longer than 20 mintues if im feeling slow that day because its hard to fit my wednesday routine into 20 minutes.
i dont even max out anymore because then i feel like i dont have the energy for my next workout.

low test is possible but for some reason my doctor refuses to test my testosterone. i have no idea why and he wont explain himself, and hes the second doctor to refuse testing me. do people cheat the test somehow to get testosterone? maybe he thinks thats what im trying to do.

could it really be as simple as low test though? I feel like i would at least gain fat even if my test was low

well i was doing 5x5 for 6 months and saw no weight change but the amount i could lift improved, but then i saw arnold doing tons of reps in a documentary and thought id try 5x12. ill try going back to 5x5 but doing gomad again is too much of a pain, all the milk gave me terrible shits. i already shit 4-5x a day and when i say 3500 calories is the minimum, i dont mean "i only eat 3500 a day". like i said, somedays i eat up to 6k calories

Simply dont believe you.
Post typical diet. BE HONEST

Also
>20 minutes
Hahahahahah

Shit 4-5 times a Day? Okay Thats weird. Youre not digesting the food?

feel you user.
I m on 8 months training already and i ve found out that one on my friend (skeleton mode) is already lifting more then me after 3 months.. the disappointment is real

everyone in my family on both sides has a thyroid problem but theyre all fat, i guess i could have a thyroid problem thats making me skinny. wouldnt i notice feeling weird or something though if i had something that was burning that amount of calories on a regular basis?

and yes i count my calories and i havent eaten under 3500 calories a day in the past year at the least. on my days off during the weekend, i just lay in bed and eat all day, those are the days i reach 6k calories.

is the thyroid test just a blood test? id rather inject testosterone in my ass than get a needle stuck in my neck desu

Assuming this isn't bait.

Former skellybro here, weighed 120lbs at 18 and couldn't even bench 30lbs.

If its low test then how often are you horny or masturbating? how often do you wake with morning wood? and what are your energy levels like?

20 mins is definetly not enough time, be hitting 45-1hr 30 as a guide, follow a strict strength routine, SS, 5/3/1, any 5x5 and the mass will follow.

TUT, this is something I never got until much later, don't just complete your workout, really feel it, stretch that muscle under load, enjoy the weight.

Eat more, 3500 is nothing, its hard at first so you have to cheat, I would add cream to my milk, add butter, olive oil etc to everything, at this point consume anything.
You need to focus on the most calorie dense foods possible.

Get a partner, it sounds like your flagging in motivation, my lifts went up slightly when I worked out with a friend and now me and my bro workout and its even better.
Its surprising how much a teammate can help you grow

Cut out all un-needed cardio.
This can be surprising, I fidget a lot at my desk at work and have restless legs, this sapped a lot of calories, look and evaluate your day to day life and see if there is any unaccounted for energy expenditure

the only thing that i eat on a regular basis is cheeseburgers and potatoes. i eat at least 2 cheeseburgers a day, everything else is pretty random. i dont care if you dont believe me you cunt, go fuck your mother in her eye socket and get raped to death by 6 gorillas.

it comes out as shit so im pretty sure im digesting it

i couldnt care less about the amount of weight i can lift, i just want to weigh more. if its muscle or fat, i dont care, i just dont want to be so skinny.

i fap once every 2-3 days and yeah i wake up with morning wood. i have tons of energy.

like i said, 3500 is the minimum, weekends i eat up to 6k and when im not having a busy work day i can get close to 5k but it takes a lot of time to cook and eat all that food.

motivation isnt a problem. i used to do martial arts competitively and i was pretty good, no change to my weight before/after it either

i dont do any cardio. i lay in my bed on my laptop for work and on my days off i lay in bed and eat

the thing i hear most is possible low test or thyroid condition so i guess i have to insist to my doctor that i need those tested

Ok from that it sounds like your test should be pretty average, if the doc wont test you then you can often order private blood tests and choose what you want testing for

how about fuckin stop drinking beer you alcoholic fuckhead? you shit daily 4-5 times, you can't even digest your fuckin food you idiot shitface, how could you gain weight?

Just kys.

alrights thanks guys. ill get into the doctor and see what kind of tests i can get. if he wont test me, ill try to find some online blood test for thyroid/test
hopefully this gets to the bottom of my weight problem

you obvious cant read and you should kill your entire family and then eat your own shit, write on your walls with your shit covered hands about how youre an autistic fucking retard with no life and that nobody gives a shit about you and then for the rest of the week shit in a bucket until the shit rises high enough for you to stick your face in it and suffocate yourself, committing suicide in a way appropriate for an idiotic piece of useless shit like yourself you stupid faggot

post your diet you dyel fuck and see a doctor why you are shitting 4-5 times a day.
i am 100% sure you can't even track your meals.

when you eat up to 6000 calories a day, you typically dont eat the same food every day you stupid fuck. that amount of shit seems normal compared to the amount of food i eat
i am 100% sure your parents raped you and you have autism, no girlfriend, and masturbate using your shit as lubricant while you wear a sonic furry costume with a dick hole cut into it

Are you samefagging yourself?

asks for help then flames anyone who says something he doesn't want to hear

lmao you deserve to stay skinny you fucking faggot OP

so you are saying you dont know your macros and probably you are just eating some trash , but you can't even digest your shitty tier food because you are shitting like a pajeet.
do it user, keep going, you will be forever dyel.

have you gotten your base metabolism measured? My friend would burn 4k calories a day naturally.

DUDES THIS DUDE IS DEFYING PHYSIQUES!
HE IS DEFYING TERMODYNAMICS!
HE IS FUCKING EINSTEIN!

>98 gramm proton from shitty tier soy products
>120 gramm carbs from alcohol
>500 gramm carbs from high fructose corn syrup
>200 gramm fats from saturated fats

just kys idiot.

I was 6'0 140 a few years ago.
I believe the "fast metabolism" thing because I have it too.

You gotta eat ~6 eggs per day. I had 3 with breakfast, one with lunch, two before bed.

With your breakfast eat a big bowl of yogurt, fruit, and either potatoes or oatmeal.

Lunch has to be meat, preferably chicken. Eat the whole breast. Not a little bit of chicken. Whole one. And don't leave any on your plate. Have bread, a big salad with lots of dressing, and potatoes or rice. Desert too if you can.

Protein shake after you workout.

Dinner should be meat again. More or less same as lunch.

Eat 2 eggs on toast or bagel or literally anything with carbs before bed. Casein if you can afford it.

Do this every god damn day if you want to gain weight.

>comes to thread only to talk shit
>gets shit talked back to him
>instantly throws autistic fit and begins to cry
sounds like youre a fat manlet whos mad because the skinny guy in highschool was fucking the girl you'd think about while you jerked off, meanwhile everyone thought you were a faggot because you never had a girlfriend and only hung out with guys and you didnt take showers after gym because you were afraid of getting an erection around all the dicks that you couldnt help but stare at.
>contributes nothing to thread
>forever cocksucking cuck pussy

>sticky doesnt apply to me
>help to fix
Nice larping faggot
Stay skelly DYEL forever since your making excuses for not actually doing what you say you are
>6 years
kek might as well kill yourself

I haven't gotten my base metabolism measured, I'll ask the doctor about that next time I see him.

I don't eat eggs every day but tI do eat fruit, yogurt and potatoes every day, and I always have 2 cheeseburgers a day. They're actually steak burgers and they're both doubles so I know I'm getting more than my minimum amount of protein. I can easily add eggs on a daily basis instead of every couple days, and I'm already eating tons of bread and a fair amount of dessert.

maybe you should kill yourself since you contribute nothing to society and all you do is talk shit online because you're a pussy faggot. You most likely masturbate to traps and steroid abusing muscle girls so you can tell yourself that you're not the faggot which you truly know yourself to be. You'd be lost without Veeky Forums as an outlet for your angst that you hold onto since you've been bullied in every grade and couldn't get into a college because you gave up trying, telling yourself "it isn't worth it anyways" as you masturbate alone in your mothers basement into old pairs of your grandmothers panties, licking the cum stains off of them after each ejaculation like an Ethiopian finding icecream.