Sleep addicts anonymous

I first heard about it from a friend. "You'll see crazy gains in no time." "The test boost is unreal, I'm so much more aggressive." "I have unbelievable energy all day. I get so much more done now. All my lifts are skyrocketing"

I had to try it. I was scared at first, but he assured me it was totally safe. What could possibly go wrong?

The first night I shut off all my lights, drew the blinds (blackout blinds from walmart. i wonder if the cashier knew what i was REALLY using them for...), and layed down in bed. I had shut off the computer hours ago, and now all the lights were out; for the first time in as long as I can remember, my room was pitch black.

9 hours went by in the blink of an eye. I got out of bed and drew the blinds; the sun already had a head start on its journey of the day. I couldn't believe it. I felt awake. I felt alert. I felt alive.

At first the compliments were great. "Wow user, you're on point today!" "Have you been working out? You're looking stronger." It felt amazing, I admit. I didn't want to tell them my secret. I was afraid they'd find out the truth: I was sleeping, and I was doing it a lot.

Soon I was sleeping five, six, and sometimes - yes - even seven nights a week. Excessive? Maybe. But haven't you ever pushed the limits in your own pursuit of perfection? I was determined to achieve my natty potential, and this was a small price to pay. But pay I did.

Soon my drinking friends started to notice. "We never see you anymore!" "Come party with us!" "Just one drink, it won't hurt!" Even the girls who never paid me any mind started to creep in. Gains Goblins, all of them. They'd try to invite me over to watch a movie or "just chill". But I knew what they wanted. They wanted my precious sleep. But they could never take it from me because I was addicted; no high came close to slumber's sweet lull. I was excited to get into bed early; eager to blow off plans just to get those extra ZZZ's.

But soon I started to notice a change. I wasn't sleeping as long; what started as 9 and 10 hour sessions began to wither down to a paltry 7 or 8. I still felt great, but I felt like I had been cheated. I needed those extra hours, and I would get them, no matter what.

...

That's when I found it, hidden away on a shelf at my local supplement store. Tucked away between the preworkouts and postworkouts, right above the intraworkouts. A supplement I KNEW would give me the rest I craved. That supplement was Rich Piano's "Knocked the Fuck Out." With a picture of Rich snoring peacefully on a pile of luscious satin pillows. his face contorted with the pleasure of dreams - dreams of gains, great and small alike. I wanted to be like Rich. So I grabbed three tubs, took them to the counter, and handed the salesman my credit card. "I'm leaving humanity behind," I said. "Take whatever you need."

I got home just as the sun began to set. I didn't need dinner tonight; I needed sleep. So I cracked one of the tubs open. The label warned me to start with half a scoop; but I'm not an amateur in these lands. Your warnings might suit a beginner, a DYEL, but I hold myself in higher esteem.

I poured four scoops into the blender and mixed it furiously. it returned a frothy potion that held the portents of a night's perfect rest. My body was ready. It was time to sleep.

What happened next?

As I sipped the concoction, a warm swath of aroma wrapped itself around my being. The tangy zest of lemon stood in stark opposition to the cloying sweetness of honey. A deep drowsiness welled up in me; Had I gone too far? I took another sip and my legs began to give. I needed to get to bed before I finished the elixir.

I swayed drunkenly to the stairs, exercise the utmost care not to waste a single drop. Slowly, ever so slowly, I lifted my legs, over and over, over and over. I tell you, friends, it took every fiber of concentration to maintain my dignity as I proceeded up the mountain of steps; but it was not for nothing that I spent those countless hours doing weighted step-ups. Finally, like a victorious mountain climber, I attained the top. My bedroom was but a stone's throw away, I would make it to bed.

But as I cracked open the door, nature was soon to let me know that she had different plans for me. My bed was only ten feet away, but I would not feel its silken touch tonight.

pretty good satire 7/10

please continue

With the first step across the threshold, I felt a most unusual sensation radiating from my core. A foreboding filled me. Something was wrong. But as I stood, solid for once, and pondering the meaning of this unease, I knew then that it was too late. Something big was coming, bigger than even the darkness that threatened to consume me.

Before I could even turn to make my way to the bathroom, my diaphragm began to quiver with dread. All of my organs, as if they had minds of their own, were recollecting themselves towards the path of least resistance, making way for the triumphant parade which was about to take place. My body had become like a fantastic water slide, lubricated with water and ready for action. And in the marshal's absence, possibly to smoke a cigarette or flirt with a coworker, seventeen children of varying sizes and shapes had managed to jam themselves into the opening, clamoring for that rocket-like trip to the bottom. And they would all make it there - all at once. There were no brakes on this train.

As I vainly tried to muster one more step towards the bathroom I felt the warm drip of liquid cascade down my right buttcheek and onto my leg. "Please God no" I begged. But my cries were heard by no one. Without warning, a latent geyser, untouched for millennia, eruped out of my southernmost sphincter, propelling me headfirst into the wall. As my skull rattled its soft contents, I couldn't help but wonder what events had led me to this in the first place. How had things gone so wrong? What did I do to deserve this?

Then, as all faded to black and i slumped into the corner, moist and defeated, I saw words, in formless light on rays of black: "ONE DAY YOU MAY." The thought struck me with a sense of fullness I knew I could never explain.

>sleep supplement
>makes u poop