Starting with obligatory Henry II
>be irrelevant French Count
>take over the Duchy of Normandy
>take over the Duchy of Aquitaine
>take over the Kangdom of England and crown yourself king
>take over the Duchy of Brittany
>die controlling half of France + England as a colony, and with your dynasty on the English throne for the next three centuries
Madman
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He wasn't a Crusaer king though, as he wasn't involved in the Crusades.
Henry Tudor
>be irrelevant Welsh earl in exile in Brittany
>land in Wales with an army of mercenaries
>"literally who?"
>kill Richard III
>crowned king despite having the weakest claim possible
>Midas touched
>amass wealth
>raise crown authority to the maximum
>BTFO all revolts
His son Richard was
>Be Frederick ll, holy roman emperor
>fuck everyone's shit on the way to your throne
>gets the pope in italy so butthurt he gets excommunicated
>twice
>promises to go on a crusade
>after two years of not sending troops, pope gets angry
>Fifth crusade fails and the crusader pulls back
>finally goes when he is no longer expected to
>arrive in jerusalem,
>befriend the ayyubid sultan Al-Kamil through falconry
>given jerusalem and crowned "king of Jerusalem" for pure keks by al-kamil just to make the pope butthurt
>Achieves the restitution of Jerusaleum, Nazareth and Bethlehem through diplomacy, whilst under double secret excommunication by the Pope
>all this without a single blood being spilled
>comes back triumphantly
>got the pope so buttblasted that gregory IX literally calls him the antichrist
>years later, speaks the arab language and invites based Averroës to his court just to fuck with the pope some more
"Innocent IV declared Frederick to be deposed as emperor, characterising him as a "friend of Babylon's sultan," "of Saracen customs," "provided with a harem guarded by eunuchs," like the schismatic emperor of Byzantium, and in sum a "heretic.""
Stop calling Norman England a colony. It reeks of french nationalism and misrepresents how dynasties functioned in favour of blatant shitslinging.
imagine being the pope, spent years trying to get jerusalem with thousands of soldier and still failed to kick the ayyubids out for long ass time and then this fucking guy you just excommunicated just came by boats and had a nice talk with the sultan and then the sultan decides to hand over the whole jerusalem and nazareth because he thinks youre a pretty cool guy and he likes birds too.
imagine the absolute butthurt of the papacy just then
Frederick II Hohenstaufen is really underrated
Henry Plantagenet wasn't a Norman, and England pretty much was a colony for him
He ruled from Chinon in Anjou, and only used England as a source of money and manpower
What an asshole
Pope BTFO
Frederick II was Based af
He wanted to find out what language humans would speak naturally, so he took 50 babies and gave them to nurses who never spoke to them, and they all died.
>be irrelevant count of irrelevant monarchy
>take over irrelevant duchies
>take over irrelevant kingdom
>die controlling half of an irrelevant land + even more irrelevant rainy island
Truly madman.
>implyin France and England werent the most relevant kingdoms
Sounds like the pope needed to check his autism.
Lmao, England and France were the most relevant European kingdoms
Finest literature, finest art, finest architecture, huge wealth, centralisation, good law codes
In fact for most of history England and France have been most relevant
>England
They spoke French
>King Aethelstan "the Virgin Chad" of Wessex
>BTFO the Danes in northern England
>Make Scotland, Ireland and Wales bow down to you
>Butthurt Scots, Irish and Danes start beta uprising and try to invade
>BTFO all of them, take their daughters and give them to your soldiers
A Chad Crusader King before the concept of crusading ever began
So? You're speaking English to me and i assume you're not.
Besides they technically spoke Anglo-Norman which is different to continental french
Who'd win
Æthelstan or Alfred?
In terms of intrigue and diplomacy, Alfred. In terms of martial skill and warfare, Aethelstan.
Besides. Most of the people who actually did all the cultural stuff (i.e. not greedy francophone nobles) spoke English and merely wrote in Anglo-Norman so it would sell
Bohemond of Taranto
>be bastard child of Sicilian King with no real claim
>distinguish self as warrior and become politically empowered by popularity
>become co-ruler with legitimate half-brother
>main enemy (Byzantines) calls Crusade
>join solely to backstab them and steal their land
>get there and they’re suspicious but allow it
>Byzantines making shady deals
>kinda get screwed over at Antioch
>”Fuck it Antioch is mine”
>marry the princess of France
>Descendents rule Antioch longer than brother’s rule Sicily
France and England? You mean France and Italy, right? Those were the two most important nations in those times, ERE aside
12th - 14th century Italy did barely anything compared to France and England in terms of production of arts
Besides, Italy wasn't even a centralised kingdom
Italy wasn't a nation yet you fucking mongoloid
>Besides they technically spoke Anglo-Norman which is different to continental french
No. Just no.
I'm not the other guy, and I agree with your first point, but this "Anglo-Norman" meme has to end
You have to understand that this isn't a real thing, but just a term made up by modern British historians to avoid having to admit their French past
The Normans in England didn't speak a mix of English and "Norman" (as the term "Anglo-Norman" would imply), they spoke Norman French (at least until the Angevin took over, then it switched to Angevin French), which was basically regular Old French with a few different spellings there and there
Claiming they didn't speak French is like claiming Americans don't speak English
>The Normans in England didn't speak a mix of English and "Norman"
Most Normans could speak English by the time of Henry II. In fact most Normans switched to English. Only the powerful ones continued to speak French.
Anyway, point being is that people try to discredit Medieval English achievements by claiming it is French simply because they spoke French which is just a narrow and frankly incorrect view
And the monarchy had become culturally English by Edward I's time, who was quite the patriot and opted to speak English. He even considered calling himself Edward IV to acknowledge the Anglo-Saxon kings called Edward.
The fact that the nobles named their kids names like "Edmund" and "Edward" is indicative of this cultural assimilation.
Funny how only England is "called out" for its francocentric aristocracy when the Hiberno-Normans, Cambro-Normans and Scoto-Normans existed as well.
Why were the Normans such chads?
Oliver Cromwell
>be some guy of minor importance
>civil war starts, hire a group of lads on horseback to go fuck shit up
>fuck shit up so successfully that you rise through the ranks to become one of the most important people in england
>lead a war yourself
>eventually get named the head of state
not crusader kings, but more mount and blade
His mother and his father were the ones that gave him most of that. His father was the one who conquered and gave him Normandy. His mother was the one who gave him England.
A better example would be Maximilian I, Holy Roman Emperor.
Married the richest heiress of Europe (to be fair, his father was the one responsible for the marriage and for helping the couple keep the inheritance). That gave him the Low Counties, the richest area of Europe along with Northern Italy.
Married his son to the heiress of the Queen of Castille and the King of Aragon (which included the Kingdom of Sicily).
Then, he married his 2nd eldest grandson to the sole heiress of Hungary and Bohemia.
Each of those duchies and kingdoms would make someone a very powerful monarch in Europe. Via marriage, he got 6 of them in 3 generations.
Don't forget he laid the foundations of the industrial revolution and helped kickstart the enlightenment by providing french writers refuge and introducing a proto-democratic system.
>dynasty dies in 3 generations
What a fucking chad
With insane prestige and with the "It's Good to Be King" achievement.
CUMBRIA IS SCOTTISH
Agreed. Cromwell was an extraordinary man.
RHEGED WILL RISE AGAIN MARRA