PermaDM Gets To Be Player Storytime #2: PRAISE THE SUN Edition

Hello again, Veeky Forums. Last week, I dropped by and shared a greentexted retelling of my latest campaign, in which I (a Perma-DM) got a chance to finally PLAY when one of my players decided to step up to the plate and run some 5e.

It detailed the stories of Shacius Ebvir, Caleb Keane, Miles Boswell, and Sir Peter Peterson, a ragtag group of murderhoboes and ner'-do-wells that have found themselves in the swamptown of Stillbend. They are played by, respectively, O, Me, J, and A.

The previous thread can be found here: boards.Veeky Forums.org/tg/thread/49294724

If you are a roleplay-oriented player or DM, you may be familiar with the "breakout session". This is the session when a character goes from being a name, a concept, and a series of stats and actually becomes a tangible character in the world your DM has created. It's most notable when new players finally get their first one.

This was Peterson's. He became an avatar of pure Deus Vult this session through the power of the nat-20. A was absolutely thrilled.

Now, when we had left off, Keane, Peterson, and Miles had just slain a Spectator by the name of Cahvurn, and were about to place down the first of three "sensor" devices given to them by the "harmless scholar" Lucas. Of course, Lucas was the nerdiest death mage to ever live, but only Keane knew that.

>Keane wipes some spectator blood off his brow
>Places down the clockwork sensor which starts going abso-fucking-lutely bananas as it approaches this big piss-yellow vein of crystal
>it gets louder and louder and then stops
>the light inside it changes
>Keane gets ready to find the other 2 crystals and get back to town
>Peterson is still on a bloodthirsty rampage trying to find the rest of those Kobolds that murdered that kid
>none shall be spared on this day
>Miles is just along for the ride, still pretending to be Peterson's prisoner
>they head down another branch of the cave
>DM was a little rattled we went for the mini-boss of this prologue dungeon first
>as they head down this one, they come across a Kobold waving frantically as it yells to its buddies about the paladin that beat one of their comrades against a crate until he died
>he's describing him as a 15 foot tall man made of metal and fire to a very unimpressed hobgoblin in lieutenant's garb
>CLANGCLANGCLANGCLANGCLANGCLANG as Peterson memes his way into the chamber
>Kobold actually passes out

>Peterson rolls the highest initiative, walks up and stomps on the Kobold's head until it's paste in front of all of its buddies
>Keane isn't missing out on this one
>Miles heads on over too, sneaky-like.
>this was a fuckin fun fight
>a kobold starts winding up a sling, spinning a stone really fast, firing it backwards and ricocheting it directly into the back of his head, knocking him out cold
>about now is when the Hobgobbo, who had been peppering us with arrows was sneak-attacked by Miles, who did a really impressive backflip to wall-run to jumping stab in the top of the head with his orichalchum dagger
>of course he was promptly stuck in the stomach by a Kobold
>said Kobold was hit with a leldritch blast and exploded like a bowl of chili with an M80 in it
>Peterson grabbed 2 of the Kobolds and picked them up by the head
>stares at them through the slits of his helmet with Len the butcher eyes
>one Kobold says "oh shit" in raspy shitty common
>Peterson smashes the 2 of them together headfirst until he's holding bloody stumps at the end of kobold torsos
>it was pretty funny

>after a brief heal-up (Peterson gave Miles a "you go, champ" ass-slap) Miles got up to go take a piss (J did too) and Keane laid down the second sensor, hearing ringing in his ears all the while
>the next thing that happened was in all my years of playing tabletop easily a top 5 moment
>the gods blessed us to help the new kid have a good time
>a kobold rounds the corner holding a faun corpse on his shoulders
>Peterson, who had been "chatting" silently with the other two spins a 180 instantly
>DEUS VULT: ENGAGED
>the Kobold only manages a grimace of fear before his soul and flesh is annihilated
>O Fortuna is playing as Peterson covers 100 feet in 3 steps and 4 seconds
>full-body windup on a kick directly to the Kobold's withered little nutsack
>the light of Pelor blesses this strike
>a nat 20
>by the gods
>i mean yeah sure one that was plot relevant might have been useful but this particular crit was really fucking funny
>Peterson crusader-punts this poor Kobold and the result is just fucking One-Punch Man level shit
>the kobold is blown through 300 feet of solid rock, through the roof of the mine and off into the distance
>Keane is absolutely dumbfounded, like utterly beyond words
>miles is buttcumming uncontrollably
>sploosh
>sunlight streams down through the hole in the roof
>Keane realizes if this guy figures him out, he's probably True Fucked.

>It was around here that Peterson really crystallized as this hilarious terminator parody of a smitebot
>he does things like sleep, ramrod-straight, in full plate. in town, he sleeps in absolutely nothing but his helmet and his cartoony sun socks
>and he walked straight through the swamp, pushing trees out of the way as he unflinchingly justice-marched through the muck
>it's like the Deus Vult meme combined with a dash of spess muhrine and some terminator references
>but the other Paladins at the Order really don't want this mute psychopath representing their church so they send him on fool's errands
>like catching an incredibly slippery master thief
>The party, soaked in Kobold blood and in awe of their Pally pal, heads out to find the final crystal
>They find another chamber containing mining equipment, Kobolds, and a huge piss-yellow gem
>and an unimpressed Hobgoblin captain dealing with a panicked rat-lizard-goblin saying something about some sort of monster in the mine with gleaming silver armor
>CLANGCLANGCLANGCLANGCLANGCLANGCLANGCLANGCLANGCLANGCLANGCLANGCLANG
>Peterson bursts in, Kobold actually pisses itself and starts running away, some of its other companions do too
>one actually runs directly into Peterson's outstretched fist and is then curbstomped into paste like it's earlier compatriot
>fucking pandemonium
>Peterson and Keane work together to bring down the sword-and-board hobgoblin
>it gets knocked onto its back, Peterson elbow-drops it and Keane beats its brains out with his staff like Bad Girl's instakill from No More Heroes
>Miles does a springboard off of his captor's back and powerwhips a Kobold's throat open
>Peterson suplexes a Kobold INTO THE FLAMES, INTO THE FIRE
>these Kobolds really need to stop putting fires in every room

>the last crystal is there and waiting
>Keane sets it down, all is normal, and then he hears this magical scream
>all 3 of them hear it but Keane is the most sensitive to it
>he's deafened so badly by this screeching that all he can hear is his heartbeat
>he actually blacks out
>Miles and Peterson carry the preacher out of the cave and plop him down under a tree up in the mining camp
>it's sunset, easily
>he comes to, asks what happened, they then proceed to set off down the road
>we did a little bit of character interaction
>Keane asked Miles why he was letting Peterson capture him
>Miles outright admits it to be boredom
>in his old life he had "Too many women, and...Too. Many. Jewels." he exclaimed with a hair-flip
>wearing this shit-scarfing grin on his face the whole time
>Keane manages a flat "Quite." and continues on his business.

Yeah, reminds me of my last time dealing with Kobolds. My human fighter (Druss Mountainsunder) one-manned a whole village of them with only his scalemail and maul.

>on their way back, the party encounters numerous mutilated corpses of dryads
>withered, burnt black and lifeless bodies of the free-spirited treewomen laying on the road
>one after another
>we find a crater blown in the path, inside of which is the horribly battered upper half of a kobold with a face frozen in a scream of unimaginable anguish
>While staying on the roadside for a night, the group didn't think to leave someone out for watch
>rookie mistake, I'm annoyed I hadn't thought to
>we were ambushed by a duo of slithering creatures that almost resembled twigblights made of winding vines
>pic not really related but close enough I guess
>no idea what these were In Character
>Peterson rolled high on initiative, apparently he wasn't sleeping, just staring at the sky while in full plate in his sleeping bag, cuddling his halberd
>he just kinda
r i s e s
>Miles is up and at'em too.
>Notably, both Miles and Peterson critted this battle. Miles shanked one with his knife right in the "core", causing it to immolate, while Peterson knocked another one into the campfire and pinned it there with his halberd, roasting the vine creature

I think it's just a Kobold thing. They're D&D's goombas and get rek'd as such

Bump this is really good

>after killing the Vine Blights we head back down the road the next morning
>we take watches now
>We reach Stillrun
>Mayor Stillshine is there to greet us, he's still fat, he's still southern
>he still has an elf fetish
>he's eyeing up Miles uncomfortably while he meets him and Peterson
>Peterson briefly remembers him as he CLANGCLANGCLANGCLANGed through the town in hot pursuit of his prey
>Keane brings the whole bunch of them to check into the inn, then introduce them to his "friend", Lucas.
>Ebvir has...disappeared for the time being. I'm fairly certain Betus is going to run a session with O on their own to get him caught up EXP wise and help him get into his character's story more.
>I'll recount what happens from the notes I'll get.
>they all decide to go see Lucas
>well, Keane decides that he wants to see the look on Lucas's face when he brings a crusader of Pelor into his lair
>and he drags Miles along with him
>they get there and *RAP RAP RAP* on the door thrice

>Lucas opens the door, bumbling along until he sees an Actually Alive Keane with a Paladin of Pelor behind him
>a small elven jew as well but yknow he was mostly concerned with the GodCop
>Lucas realizes how bad he's underestimated Keane
>"P-p-preacher! H-How lovely to see you!"
>"Howdy there, Lucas. Pleasure to see you too. This here's my new friend, Sir Peterson! He helped me out with some issues with my lil' errand for ya, nasty business with a spectator, but ooooowhee, we sure showed him!"
>Lucas gets visibly more nervous as Keane explains what they did to Cahvurn and all of his forces
>"Now, about that business with them magic items. May we come in?"
>"A-Absolutely n-not, come in,c-come in!"
>kicks a rug over the summoning circle on the floor
>We got some neato magic Items. Miles got a Dagger Of Venom, Peterson got a Sun Blade (it's a fucking lightsaber, A was thrilled), and Keane got a Wand of Magic Missile
>As well as 200 gold apiece
>Ebvir gets nothing because O hasn't shown up in 2 weeks
>Miles translates Peterson's "is that it" hand signal as "he said I could have his share" because shekels, goyim
>Peterson didn't really care that much, Miles is still technically a prisoner
>Lucas shoos us out

>the Party then decides to hit up the general store, where we meet Jacques Almun, flamboyant medditerranean merchant
>He is selling cheap bullshit for outrageous prices because of the lizardman issue and low supplies and he's also kind of a little bitch
>Miles is trying to steal everything that isn't bolted down but almost everything is bolted down and Peterson keeps smacking his hands
>Jacques is horribly racist against the fantasy gypsies anyways because his caravan was once robbed blind by a gang of thieves in the guise of a traveling circus
>they even stole his dear mother's leather armor
>Miles is wearing it under his cloak
>kek
>we buy some potions and leave
>it's about here where the party splits for the time being
>Keane goes to see Lucas again while Peterson wants to get his armor repaired and do something with an ingot he found

>they see Derrek Strackeln again, well, technically for the first time
>Dorfbro with a gruff but jovial demeanor
>he is in awe of the armor Peterson's clad in
>"BY VAMGULIR'S BEARD...THE CRAFTSMANSHIP."
>he grabs Peterson and literally picks up the enormous Paladin to examine his armor like he's made of paper
>Peterson is unfazed
>"WHAT? NO! IT'S...DAMAGED!"
>He repairs Peterson's breastplate and adds steeltoe spikes on the front of his boots
>for kicking demons in the ballsack
>Peterson stands in the smith's shop barechested and wearing socks but the rest is armor
>the socks have little cartoony suns on them
>even though he spends all day in armor he's tan as shit because SUN
>Miles gets a scourge added to his whip, that thing is fucking nasty now

>All Keane wants is to hear more about Cloaksdale
>So he comes back to Lucas's workshop, raps 3 times, and meets a very annoyed but slightly sketched out looking Lucas
>"Oh, Preacher. How lovely it is that you've come...alone this time."
>"Howdy Lucas. Mind if I step inside?"
>"Yes."
>He attempted to slam the door but Keane shoved it open and stepped inside anyways
>"Alright ya lil' bastard. I did yer errand. Tell me more about where I can find Bosch."
>"Bosch, Bosch, Bosch. We haven't heard anything out Cloaksdale in weeks, Keane. I suspect that friend of yours might have had a little something to do with it."
>"Tall? Thin? Likes to paint?"
>"That's the one. See me in the morning, I might have something for you about getting past the lizardmen on the way there. Now get the fuck out of my workshop."
>"Tell Cahvurn ah'll see'im in hell, Lucas!"
>"I'm sure you will."
>*SLAM*

>Keane has nothing much better to do, so he heads back to the Inn. Ah, the Hobblin' Goblin Inn and Tavern. A staple in any self respecting starting town.
>It's late by this point, so he decides he'll have a drink
>Meeting up with the other 2 men, they converse and consume their ale and food
>Benjamin La'Trell is there, chatting with them all the while, still wearing a bandana to cover up the healing gash on his bald noggin
>Although he doesn't realize it, these people are probably the closest thing Caleb Keane has to friends
>Miles notices a sandstone and glass bottle on the upper shelf and asks about it
>La'Trell explains it's Sandworm Brandy, made from fermented magically charged sandworms from within the Endless Sandstorm
>it fuccs you up
>They all decide to try a taste or two
>Thin flasks come out
>Full of this slightly glowing brown-clear liquid
>we drink
>Keane doesn't drink all of his because he doesn't want to babble drunkenly about Tzelzeveld
>Miles is on the tables singing
>Peterson is checked out entirely
>La'Trell is having a "late one, Angie!", as he shouted to his wife

So that's where we left off, with the 3 of us getting shitfaced on worm juice with a bald cajun.

Questions? Comments? Suggestions?

Your kobolds sound lame. My DM makes them actually intelligent, and so our players often die to amazing traps and/or hordes of the little shits in phalanx formation

I like deathtrap setting Tuckers Kobolds.

The current GM has new players and went for some weak-ass level 0 enemies.

I play with more experienced people.

I've always been of the bend that kobolds are of both groups, its that kobolds with a dragon at the helm are more unified and vicious, not cause the dragon, but because they HAVE a dragon so they stop with the backstabbery bullshit.

The beginners parties are kobolds that have left due to overpopulation and since they arent in their territory are more nervous and skittery. You are basically fighting the rejects of kobolds.

That's actually really not a bad rationalization

Really enjoying the story so far, thanks for posting it.

You're welcome user. Comments like this make me want to post more!

I was going to do this once every 2 weeks but last night's session was thicc and I had enough to work with

That is a great way of seeing it, but my DM just has an honest love for kobolds and dragon kin, to the point where it's more likely to see someone worshiping the dragon gods over the base ones of 3.5. My original paladin was served Lendys. He later went through a transformation to half-dragon too. The kobolds had massive respect for him because of it. Shit was cash yo. He actually has a ref sheet, but there's only a nsfw version and I dunno if I'll get banned for posting it

That...sounds distressingly close to the magical realm. What do you mean NSFW?

I include the dragon gods as one of several competing pantheons in my setting I've been building

NSFW as in I liked the character enough to get him a reference sheet. I wanted all the details covered, so he's nekkid in one of the poses. It's like softcore/artistic nudity.

Yeah, Dragons are pretty cool. They're in the game's name after all.

And to be fair I don't think my DM could even have a magical realm, he's basically asexual, as in the complete lack of any semblance of libido. I don't even think he's ever been attracted to anyone, and people have outright told him they want to bang him, since he looks like metal jesus

There we go, I cropped out the naked part, so it's blue board appropriate

That's some pretty nice art

Only the best for my longest living character. He had rediculous strength by the time he was half-dragon, able to lift a little over half a ton overhead

I'm fucking crying

> buttcumming uncontrollably
> sploosh

thank you, user

We've all got that one PC

Awesome story, OP.

If you're ever looking for a R20 GM I'm happy to help.

I'm in school right so I'm not rolling in time but I may take you up on that offer, m8

A here, yeah it was pretty hype.
>Betus: another Kobold walks through with a dead deer over its shoulders
>Me: Peterson kicks him in the balls to death
>rolls a nat20
>Dm adds fluff and lets peterson kick him through 100's of feet of solid rock to get burnt up
>Moment of the night