Mages Guild: Familiars on Strike Edition

Hear ye, hear ye. I hereby call to order this meeting of the most illustrious Mages Guild! I´m sure many of you know, a large number of our familiars have unionized and gone on strike, citing that 643 days a year working is unfair and impossible. This is of course, not true. But the point remains that most of you rely heavily on your familiars for this or that. We need to get the situation back under control. Discuss ways to make them happy, or enslave them. I don't care. And what familiars did you youngsters have again?

What's this about familiars going on strike?

Mine's perfectly happy!

Goddamnit, my familiar is calling meetings again. How many times do I have to tell you, Antruthius, you're not an "Archwizard"!

Familiars? Say, does my cat count? She is always a little rude.

Maybe you treat yours better, than our bigwig described?

Have you considered collars?

Oh, yeah, I probably do.

Do you have one?

Why would familiars need collars? They're magically linked to us!

I wouldn't know. No one in my department uses familiars. No real use for them.

>Holds up an small angry catgirl.
Just her. Picked up, during that invasion back then. I don´t really know if she counts as one.

When the dwarves went on strike, we threw money at them until they were satisfied. When the baker's union went on strike, we threw money at them until they were satisfied. When the tentacle demons' union went on strike, we threw money at them from really high buildings until they were dead.

Can't we just cut them a check?

Did you use a ritual to make her your familiar?

Also, she seems upset. Like she wants to murder you then bathe in your entrails.

Really? I guess that makes sense.

Tentacle demons' union? What's that?
>Cocks her head
>Is a 13 year old girl

A union. For demons. With tentacles.
>Doesn't see what's so hard to understand about this.

Eh? the Familiars are rebelling?
>She pulls out a book and flips through it
Nope, mine is still unaware they serve me--uhm, Burn burn asshole comment laugh laugh?
Its the best place to go to find a lawyer. They are the best at finding holes in things.
What would familiars do with money? Just take all theirs and double up on the geas's
Cause its kinky?
Also, That's kinda just par for the course for those people.

...
She looks like usual then? Didn´t have a ritual either...
>Shrinks the scratches on her arm.
I need to know her better first. What did that nekomancer say was her name? Irio, I think.
>Mumbles to herself, while being scratched on the face.

But why do they have a union?

Maybe you should talk to her?

Kinky?

Some people like it some people don't. Those that like it can't explain why but they do.
>Probably the most tactful you could have expected her to be in this situation

Same reason we have a guild. Bringing like-minded things together.

nice to see you spoods

But.. i don't have a familiar
>Sad airhorn music

>Turns to look at her cat, which is still scratching her.
Hello? How are...
>Irio stops to glare at her, before meowing.

I think, I´d practice that later... Gonna research about that ritual in the meantime.
>Pulls out her oozemancy book and starts reading.

>Waves at you.
So, since you explained it, you don´t like it?

Oh, okay.

I guess.

>Is 13
>Has yet to lose her innocence

I guess that makes sense.

Collars don't have to go on familiars, they can go on lots of things.
I wouldn't say that.
Really that's as much as you need to know on the subject.

Have you people not tried petting, rubbing, feeding, praising, and generally just being nice to your Familiar's? I hear the "Guild for Nomadic Pets" does the same thing, and it works bloody winders on them! They haven't had a strike in ninty-seven years!

Alright.

I'm sure you'll understand her eventually.

I do all that to my familiar! She's happy!

That's...Not pg 13 at all man. Whats next, holding their hand? Whispering things in their ears?

Are you sure you're not a Fetishzard?

And that my dear, is why your familiar isn't on strike!

Those were banned like three hundred years ago for good reason. Nobody should have someone else's fetish forced on them!

>He gives her a silent, yet questioning look for a few moments before speaking.

... Are you absolutely, 100%, blow a planet upilly sure, you're Not a Fetishzard?

Yeah, I guess that makes sense.
>Pets her familiar
>[Content pangolin noises]

You're still not saying no....

OH OH! HE SAID BLOW A PLANET UP YOU ALL HEARD HIM!
>Distant explosion
Wait what were we talking about?

You don't live as long as I have without developing some complexes.

Okaaay.
>Decides to wisely drop the matter now.

Thanks! I´ll try my best.
>Actually said that to the nekomancers back then too.
Well, I´ll go keep that promise now...

>Shrinks the scratch wounds on her face down and puts the catgirl on her shoulder.
Time for buddy exercises!
>Grins before rushing of to the archive to fetch a few books.

See everyone! This is how you prevent your Familiar from going on strike! You treat it like a partner! Not something you shove into a metal ball for weeks at a time before using it!

>He's silent for a LOOOOOONG moment.

What in the nine hells is wrong with you....

Fantastic.
We had gone so long without another lawsuit.

The complexes I mentioned among other things.
I know, it was terrible.

Gods above, what are we doing with a meeting this early?

Have fun!

I think Oozemancers do that with some of their oozes...

>Continues petting her pangolin

PFFFT! Thirty-seven minutes does not count as a long time buddy!

It was supposed to be yesterday I think.
Looks like the chronomancers have shifted us all forward again.

I let my familiar roam around as much as it wants.

I say. Would you mind assisting my department with a research experiment? We've been lacking the... Firepower to test something.

For some reason, most of us specialize in ice, so we don't have a lot of pyromancy to go around.

*Fire*power is something I can do, though you could just ask any number of pyromancers to assist you, What are you doing anyway?

And yet you STILL FUCKING DID IT!!!

Familiars on strike. A new lawsuit in bound. And to top it all off, weird pyromancer fetishes.

>He raises a questioning brow.

Anymore questions?

No I mean, the lack of lawsuits was terrible. Not the blowing up the planet thing.
Does it make you feel better if I tell you it was only populated by animals?

>Leaves his studies and walks down the stairs to the other´s.
Familiar´s on strike? That can´t mean well...

Say, has anyone here seen my stormcloud Susie? Haven´t seen her since this morning.

Where did your clothes go when you turned into fire?

I dunno, I wasn't even supposed to be here, I was just in here when it started.

>He'd place a stick topped with about a full dozen marshmallows over her head.

Hold still for a moment.... I want to get these JUUUUUST right...

Not in the slightest...

Probably outside with 97.684% of the other Familiars. Where else...

Check the roof. We're lucky it hasn't rained yet.

We're trying to pack as many spell effects as possible into a small container that can be launched at an enemy. A kind of "Magic Missile" if you will. So far we've got ice, lightning, water, poison, all sorts of nasty things. But we need a WHOOOOOOOOOLE lot of fire to create an explosion big enough to transfer the effects over a wide radius.

Again?

So, business as usual then. Got it.

I see.

Have you tried the "Explodomancers"? They usually have that sort of stuff in droves.

Short answer, The cool but pointless metal bits and stockings and stuff
Long answer, Like polymorph absorbs your equipment into you with magic, so does transforming unless you're really bad at it.
>The stick is on fire, so are the marshmallows and possibly your hand
Good, they were assholes anyway.
Theres an explosionomancer around somewhere, but I can probably handle that. Have you considered applying Locate City?
Oh wait that's a warcrime, Uhh...how much room do you have for the core?

>Walks in
>First thing he hears is exploding planets and Fetishes
I see were already off to an interesting start.

If you consider complete and utter stupidity that we here at the Mages guild deal with on a minutely as "business", than yes. Yes indeed...

>Sees his stormcloud outside.
Oh. You´re right. Did I priorize my studies to much?

>Has found her and goes to the roof anyway.
Well, she isn´t responding, unfortunally.

Oh, right.

That makes sense!

Also, apparently familiars are rebelling.

But mine isn't!
>Holds up her pangolin

Yeah! Hi! Who are you?

Again.
Somehow what little faith I had in them to begin with is waining even further.
Same as allways.

They're a tad temperamental.

50 square centimeters.

Ugh, leave it to the rookies to completely derail a guild meeting!

That sounds like a whole lot of work. Can't we just create some kind of spell that makes them happy again?
In fact, leave your familiars with me, by the time I'm done with them they'll never think of rebelling again!

>He'd regulate the temperature of both the stick, the marshmallows, and his hands to keep them from burning.

Gods above, I love being an Elemental Eldritch Knight!

And quit being such a "Hot head". I'm gonna share with everyone!

>As he says this, he pulls out a bag of crackers, and a few bars of chocolate.

If I ever had a Familiar, I damn well wouldn't leave them with you!

And NO you can't just tamper with someones feelings like that!

If you have to even ask that question, than you probably did.

Of course they're "temperamental"! They blow things up for fun!

Simply put I'm one of the more reclusive instructors of the necromancy department young one.
Same as always then I suppose, it usually takes a bit longer to get to the part when other planets start exploding though I must say.

Well, studying the weather is important!
>Spreads his equipment across the roof.
Now is also a good time for it. Wanted to check the weather conditions of this place for quite a while.

>Ignores the bird familiars flying above him.

The fact that you have "Faith", in any of the departments here is quite astounding to say the least. I gave up that months ago!

>Pulls out a few glasses and with some blowing and manual shaping creates a 50 square cm container full of a volatile looking red liquid
Just add magic. Or air. Or touch it. Or jostle it too hard. Anything really
Its tradition for guild meetings to quickly derail.
That said, mind control makes them less useful at pointing out faults in your spells, which is one of their jobs, among other things.

Oh, I think Uncle V talked about you.

He says he had to pick up a bunch of your classes once?

I will take it!

Sebastian! Get this down to the lab!

Its quite mild.
Helps not being a department of the guild for one.

i think i need to step away from Veeky Forums for a while

How about just a little bit of mind control though?

I DO NOT KNOW WHAT YOU ARE ON ABOUT. MY FAMILIAR IS QUITE HAPPY WITH HIS NEW CLIMBING TREE.

ALSO, REMINDING EVERYONE OF THE POTLUCK AT THE PTA- WE HAD TOO MANY DESSERTS LAST TIME, AND COULD USE MORE VEGETABLES!

THUS SPEAKS ZONTAR! HEAR, AND OBEY!

It's just technicalities at this point.

Well it's good that it's not.

Yeah, well your problem was that you had faith to begin with.

That is true...

>He'd finally pull the stick away, before quickly placing a marshmallow, and a few pieces of chocolate between two sets of gram crackers.
>He'd do this for each of the marshmallows, before replacing them onto a tray next to some drinks.

And there we go! Was that such a big deal Incindia? There was absolutely no reason to shoot out all that "Hot air" earlier!

Its supposed to be silly. Just invent a character and join in.

Perfectly acceptable.

>Shoos away several bird familiars pecking at his equipment.
Hey! Who do they belong to? They´re in my way!

It appears to be mild, yes. But it´s the weather near this guild, so there must be something about it, that can be studied.
>Is probably now talking rubbish.

If your referring the the instructor I didn't teach him as he was here before me, due to an incident with portals and an idiot apprentice I found this place so I'm one of the newer instructors. Doesn't mean I'm not one of the more advanced teachers however
I'm a very optimistic person when it comes to believing in insane wizards.

I can't argue with that.
Good luck with that. Don't fall off the roof.

There's a difference between optimism and foolishness my undead friend.

See! This is another good example of how to treat your Familiar! Give them gifts and treats!

Also, about next week's potluck. Remember to put on the handout sheet that people can't bring anything with Broka-roots, or Deku worms in it. You know, since Ms. Altia from the elemental department is deathly allergic to those.

Also, would you like a smore and a beverage?

Yeah.

I don't know what I'd do if she betrayed me.

Wait, you're new?

Huh, must've been a different archlich he had to take over classes for.

SQUAK! Hey you buttheads! We had booked the meeting hall for our own use at noon! Get lost! SQUAK!

Also, nothing with Cocaine in it.... we're trying to wean the archmage off it over the course of the next millennium.

>emerges from his quarters
>cask of mead under an arm
>grumbles at everything
>starts running some tests on chunks of strange metals

We are discussing arcane matters of the utmost urgency, come back in an hour maybe.

No Deku worms!? Then how am I supposed to make my nan's famous stew?

And now this? Seriously do you have something against my stew?

Trust me, I make sure to have a plan when they usually fail or don't show up. Luckily someone else with a brain on their head normally comes along and keeps the place from being destroyed from existence.
Most likely, it doesn't help that skeletons all look the same once the flesh is gone. Heres a tip young one since you seem new, don't trust any of the senior student necromancers as they've been trying to get live specimens lately.

Hey, it's not my fault that Ms. Altia is allergic to Deku worms! I enjoy them as a delicacy!

As for the whole "No Cocaine" thing, as long as I know in advance that it has Cocaine in it, I don't care, I'll just avoid it. But that rule was instigated by the Archwizard's health care providers. They say if he doesn't quit within the next 1200 years, nothing he, or anyone does will keep him alive.

Oh, I'm not that new.

I'm already used to everyone around me trying to kill me.

I didn't know the Archwizard had healthcare providers. Or that he could die.

AWWW... does Paully want a smore?

Well that's less unusual than normal...

>takes a drink
Bloody necromancers...

>puts on darkened goggles and begins a welding experiment

They say his addiction to cocaine is one of the only things that CAN kill him! The other two I'm not sure about...

And you don't live as long at the Arch-wizard has without having people to help look after you and your cocaine addiction.

Thats good to know, you'll make a great wizard one day if you survive this place.
Cocain is a hell of a drug if its capable of killing him. Good thing I've never tried any of it.

Hey, what do you mean by that!?

>Harrumphs

I thought he just scared death enough that it didn't bother.

Thanks! I think I might want a castle some day. Just a small one. Maybe.

He should try finding a more permenent solution.
Immortalilty is pretty rad.

>Continues to study the weather on the roof.
Why is there nothing unusual? That´s not how it is supposed to be!

You know, a cocaine addiction would explain why he loves my nan's stew so much, he always asked me to bring some when I came over for dinner, and I had a lot of dinners at his place.

Now that I think about it he hasn't asked me over for a while.. Curious..
How long did you say he has been trying to get over it?

Mine broke their strike after the first week when I summoned some scabs to take over

>Looks up from welding
What is it you are looking for, precisely? Unusual being the norm at this institution...

I´m just trying to study the weather around here!
>Sounds as if he is close to dispairing.
And it´s... normal! It´s just NORMAL weather!!!

Oh, he actually doesn't know that the guild is very slowly weaning him off his addiction.

Also, if anybody tells him, their entire department will lose all funding for the next thirty-one years.

They say his addiction is preventing any chance of imortality

I agree. It's a hellava drug.

Deaths not scared of him. He's just trying to avoid all the cocaine.