Funny/stupid things players say

Stupid, maybe not, but cringy as fuck.
>I know she likes me even though she'll never admit it

About a goddamn NPC. That he does business with.

>Player: I grab a corpse and use it as a battering ram.
>Rolls five points under DC
>GM: It breaks after you ram it into the door.
>Player: Does it still have a head attached to the spine?
>GM: I guess?
>Player: I'll take the head and the spine to make a new morning star. I then proceed to break down the door with my new morning star.

Is his character right?

you see some guy in a black suit and with an impatient smirk looking at you as you jumped out of the trench. the area is enveloped in thick smoke and the gunfire suddenly stopped.
>Hey , idiot's club is two trenches down!
How about you listen first you little shi-
>Fuck you, businessman!

>I wonder how the assassins keep finding us, even when we shifted to another plane of existence.
>Well, remember, that sage did tell you that blue stone the guy tried to surreptitiously stuff into your pack sent out a magical emanation to some unknown destination.
>Yeah, but that could be anywhere or anyone.

>>Hey , idiot's club is two trenches down!
spoken like a true alpha

I would have made sure he knew it was live.

how? By context clues? Perhaps, by viewing the fact that it has been thrown, you can deduce that it's live? you know. Because /typically people don't throw around grenades without pulling the fucking pin/.

that seems like a perfectly reasonable response in that kind of situation

get out of the way dumbass, we've got no-man's land to cross

Unless they're blonde.

Yes it was stupid of him not to realise that but presumably he would have seen that it was live when he looked at it.

>GM: You manage to run downstairs, out of the werewolf's reach and now he is chasing the stranded party members
>Player: I sit down and open a bottle of wine to celebrate

How none of us died is anyone guess.

I'm not going to lie, this guy would auto-win all of his intimidate rolls against any enemies on the other side of the door.

>Player is trapped in the lower decks of a ship infested by monsters who have set up traps EVERYWHERE
>"no ivan, toilet is also spike trap" levels of bullshit.
>Sees a rope stretching over a chasm completely unattended, but scratch marks around the side of the walls.
>"I jump at the rope"
>It's a barbed rope
>"WTF HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW"
>Literally everything is a fucking trap

>Same player years later
>Add that same rope trap to a different campaign for shits and giggles
>Even have someone slide down the rope specifically wrap their hands before going down it
>"I jump down and slide down the rope"
>"...with your cloth gloves?"
>"Yeah"
>MFW they bitch again

>poltergeist attacks the party
>Player: I'll try and punch the ghost
>rolls high, no effect as the attack is described to pass through the ghost
>Player: I'll punch it again, with double-punch this time!

Whoevere guesses what happened next wins nothing.

>slide down

oooooh. ow. what happened?

Hands ripped to shreds, but they managed to catch the person they were chasing with another PC's help and got their hands healed. I'm honestly tempted to run a solo dungeon with them so full of fucking traps that it makes them paranoid of breathing, just to try and instill some danger sense into them.

>This was the beginning of every plot hook being ignored.
That is the fucking worst.

The ghost runs away and complains to his mother, who tells on the player's mother and gets them in trouble.

I like you, casual gore man.

>Fighting a bunch of daemons spewing out of a chaos portal
>I'm a berserker in full frenzy and I cannot leave the fight until i can't see the enemy anymore, except the portal keeps birthing daemons and soon there's too many to face
>It's clear I need someone else to take me out of the fight and run
>My dwarf buddy goes "I roll to stun him, so I can carry him out of the fight"
>I look at him like "please fucking don't, you'll get me killed" but I can't say anything 'cause my DM thinks doing stuff like that breaks roleplay
>He succeeds, stunning me in the middle of a bunch of rapey daemons.
>He attempts to pick me up while I'm unconscious and carry me on his dwarf back running on his dwarf legs, while being attacked by 6-7 daemons
>His next 5 rolls are all perfect successes despite having around 10% chance of success on each roll. The daemons all fail their hitting rolls and don't deal any damage.
>mfw sheer luck made my buddy save my ass with a retarded plan

>We come across a female anything
>Rouge: I roll to seduce

It was funny the first time he tried to fuck a bugbear, but it got annoying really fucking quickly.

DM - In the mouth of the cave so do you see a huge statue, currently-
Rogue - How can ogres make statues if they can't create more advanced living conditions than caves
DM - The satue is of obvious dwarven work, you don't even need to roll anything to see that, but more importantly it's eyes has started to-
Rogue - Why would ogres have a dwarven statue
Wizard - They probably stole it
Rogue - Stole it? how did they steal it? WHY did they steal it?
DM - Guys it's about to-
Wizard - Maybe it's valuable?
Rogue - Valuable? Can WE steal it?
Wizard - How are we supposed to steal it?
Rogue - Don't we have one of those bags of holding?
Wizard - A BAG OF HOLDING? DO YOU THINK WE'RE STEALING FUCKING GARDEN GNOMES?
-DM Disconnects-

>-DM Disconnects-
That's the worst part, that was such a perfect setup for a TPK when players get so immersed they forget to pay attention, just like their characters

>Rogue - Valuable? Can WE steal it?
A man after me own heart.

>friend is playing a paladin, needs to return the soul of death to the death realm so people will start dying again after we killed death
>were lowering him into a portal, he has a protective spell that will expire quickly so he needs to get shit done and gtfo
>gets to the spot where he needs to deposit death's soul. It is blocked by a magical barrier, the barrier can be broken by the coerce answer to a riddle
>rich men do not need it, poor men have more than they can spare. You will die if you eat it, etc.
>DM starts an obvious timer before his character dies
>we're all dead silent since we're not in the death realm with him so we can't assist in character
>everyone of us but this fucking chode know the answer to this riddle, you can see it on our faces
>timer counts down to 5 seconds whIle he ponders
>I blurt out "say something!"
>he responds "I got nothing "
>we congratulate him for being the dumbest luckiest bastard on earth

Fighter: Just go up there and do your wizard thing
Sorcerer: I'm a sorcerer, not a wizard
Fighter: You do magic don't you?
Sorcerer: Yes, but it comes to me inhere-
Fighter: I don't care what kind of wizard you are. You cast magic, you're a wizard.

The sorc was pretty steamed, but the rest of us were loving it. I use that line now whenever I play a low int character. Magic = wizard.

What is worst than murderhobos and why is it thieving hobos?

>"I'm going to have my familiar fly behind the alerted enemies who are fighting us."
>Gets his familiar chopped to bits by hobgoblin

Cool cool

>group just finished battling the main villain
>enraged barbarian managed to grapple enemy lieutenant
>it's a drow babe (who dropped him to 0 HP with her backstabbing rapier)
>Player: Since it looks like they're fucking, I'm going to comment "Can you keep it in your pants while we're fighting, at least?"
>Other player: I knock her out with cranial impact of my battleaxe handle to her skull.

>after she goes KO
>Player: let's tie her up like this
>links pic related

Welp, that about sums it up for last session. It was bretty gud

>>player: I take it and try to identify it
I'd respond with "It's a boy"

this was after about 1 hour irl time of the party getting lost, doing stupid shit, joking around, and sitting far away talking about plans to assault the cave, which, in the end, lead the entire party to charge 500 feat screaming at the top of their lungs. only to find the cave mouth empty. the DM's frustration was tangible at this point, with this interrupting conversation being the straw that broke the camels back.

during this very fight a new PC is introduced (after being squished last session). he had rolled a female kitsune ninja, which, according to the player, he had been forced to reform quite a bit since the DM had apparently considered the first (and second) draft of the character to be "insufferable".

the very same fight, where the sentry statue alerts two more ogres to join it, the kitsune gets squashed since the character refused to retreat or back off after having been critted down to 5 hp, and apparently had rolled a character with negative con mod to be able to pour everything into offense and being a stealthy glasscannon assasin. the kitsune player not only disconnected but also left the chatgroup that we use. after the fight the rogue player argues with the DM that it's unfair that he can't collect any loot from the new PC since it should have the starting loot at the very least, the wizard is frustrated that ogres does apparently not have fangs in pathfinder, since he wanted to make a necklace of ogre fang trophies, to go with his current outfit of a naga skin wizard hat, human skull belt, bear skin slippers and star shaped, purple tinted glasses.

the !notskaven ratkin alchemist and the druid with a knighted circusmonkey are busy trying to fit baneposting into every conversation

it was a fairly short session and ended with the DM explaining "i fucking hate all of you so much, same time next week, don't be late"

>Level 1 adventuring party
>We're sent to a nearby goblin cave to rescue a kidnapped baby
>Magical door blocks our way
>It's a cool weight puzzle, using a container of silver sand and various smaller containers that must be filled to unlock the door
"Silver! It must be valuable!"
>Remind party that we are trying to rescue a baby, not steal sand
>The town is a quarter of a day's walk away, so hauling this back would be a waste of time
>Entire party save for me decides taking all the silver sand out of the puzzle is now our new objective
>They empty their fucking backpacks and start filling them with silver sand
>I'm trying to stop them, we have bigger fish to fry and we can always come back for the sand later
>No dice, the sand must flow
>They truck half of it back to town
>I reluctantly follow, for one upset monk does not a rescue party make, and now there's no way to unlock the door
>Townsfolk yell at them for wasting time with sand
>Shouting match with shopkeeper who does not want sand in his store
>Too late in the day to return to dungeon
>End of day one

This encounter took three days. I'll add the rest of you want.

yes

>if you want
It doesn't matter what we want. What matters is the story.

>2016
>Asking Veeky Forums if they want storytime

I don't get it. Is it supposed to be some kind of metaphysical encounter? With like, Satan or something appearing to them in the middle of WW1? Because "disregard weirdness, carry on" would be a perfectly normal first response.

> Rouge

>I'll add the rest of you want
Protip, user, Veeky Forums always wants more stories.

Better than panicking

Your game better turn into an E RP pretty fucking fast

You'd better have those goddamn logs

>that spoiler
Man... you would need a spell for that. Oh wait
>Detect traps

>Day the Second
>Set out for dungeon again
>This time with the sand where it should be
>Stare at sand trap, figure it out in about a minute(it was creative, not hard)
>Party's retard gene rears its ugly head
"Let's just move sand around until it opens"
"But guys if you just--"
"Shut monk, go do some kung fu in the corner"
>Twenty minutes pass
>They finally guess it
>Into the dark we go
>Goblins.jpg
>I manage to k.o. one for interrogations
>The rest of the party breaks into a nursery and starts murdering children
>After their bloodlust is sated, we move to question the captured goblin
>Neutral Good cleric has prepared a hot iron for whatever reason
>Turns out the reason was bad
>He jabs the iron in the goblin's eye, killing it(it was at low HP)
>Wtf cleric
>No prisoner, a pile of dead goblin babies and no idea where the kidnapped baby is
>More goblins march on our position , they heard the screaming
>We barely escape with our lives, we were all pretty low on HP

End of day two

Do you think for ten seconds that my player is smart enough to take that spell if they fell for the same trap twice

Probably not, no...

>Neutral good
>Killing babies
I laughed.

Nope, sorry.

It's a voice game and it would get super awkward. If it were text, it would be another story

If I'm reading this correctly as:
>Player 1: "Ha it looks like you're fucking"
>Player 2: "I bash her fucking skull"
>Player 1: "Ha, let's tie her up sexually"

Then that player seems like a fucking problem. If I misread the situation and all the players and you are into it... then go to town I guess

Sorta, yes. The GM didn't disable it at all, since he decided that she is a 9-10/10 babe with big boobs and all the goodies.

But I'm not really a guy who would ERP over voice.

what a fag

don't you want to hear your bros, bro

Tucker's Kobolds.

>Day the Third
>Townsfolk are livid; this pack of retards still hasn't retrieved a fucking baby from a cave in three days
>Return to the cave
>Goblins are on high alert
>Sneaky monk tries to scout out some side passages
>Full plate fighter clunks along behind him
"You shouldn't leave the party bro"
>Mfw
>There's no way I'll be able to sneak around with the Iron Giant waddling around
>Fuck it, we're not using the front door anyhow
>Tell party to follow me
>Cleric stays behind to gather up bottles of wine
>Whatever, it's not like he's helping us anyhow
>Head deeper in
>Surprise, goblins
>No healer to back us up
>I get critted by the little gremlins, I'm knocked unconscious
>Fighter is chasing some fleeing goblin he struck
>Sorcerer is looting corpses
>Cleric is nowhere in sight
>I am dying
>Cleric finally finishes collecting wine, heads down tunnel
>Buffs himself up and goes ham on the goblins
>Carves a bloody path to me
>Continues body path past me without applying first aid
>Fighter is surrounded deeper in the cave, dies
>Goblins flee from battle cleric
>I stabilize while cleric loots corpses
>Realizes I am in the negatives, heals me to 1 HP
>We find the baby
>It's been neglected for three days, it's dead
>Head back to town
>No reward
>Banned from town forever

>everything about this story
>everything about your group

Never split the party.

>"You shouldn't leave the party bro"
>Cleric stays behind
They should make their goddamn minds up.

Epilogue: The GM never ran another dungeon with them ever again. He does one-on-one campaigns with me, though. We have a great time.

>We have a lot of space to cover and not a lot of time, I think we should split up
>Everyone at the table tells me I'm an idiot

I'm blessed with my current group, who seem to believe that each character ought to be able to handle themselves or they have no business adventuring.

GM is pretty good at DMing multiple encounters at once, and encounters can get pretty exciting when multiple characters are engaged in separate mini plots that come together to make one big one. Doesn't hurt that the campaign seems to be purely overland either. Not one dungeon in two years of this campaign.

>"I send my army to attack the guard"

Says the player with an "army" of 7 cockroachs

>I hate casters because they're op

The worst players ever.

huh i think that's my DM's motto

I just don't really enjoy playing spell casters

Every game I play some kind of martial (fighter, monk, ranger etc) and every time my DM gives me crap for it "another fighter huh user?"

Fuck off m8 I don't want the magic crutch to help me let someone else do it

I think this story is better told in an RPG sense.
>Post apocalyptic WWI setting
>Every player in the session is a /k/ommandos
> Players consist of:
>a British Nationalist that only talks in Modern slang (think Essex)
>a German soldier with extreme shellshock that has a perpetual glazed over gaze.
> A Russian who obsesses over guns in an almost subtle sexual way.
>American who was sent to the front lines in the last month of the war and just wants to leave.
>DM: You approach the front gate of the house. It has a small brick wall surrounding the property that is covered in moss and rusted ornaments. You begin to notice rifle barrels take aim from the window.
>A voice shouts from the window in an unrecognizable language.
>Brit: "Oi ya fookin muzzies or plumbers?"
>American pulls the Brit behind the brick wall and takes cover with the others as shots are fired from the house.
>German begins taking a grenade from his pouche
>ThousandYardStare.jpg
>Russian caresses his cosmoline coated rifle
>American is scrambling for his weapon
>Brit yells back
>"Farage aughta ship ye gyps back ta Roma, fookin god save the Queen."
>American is now trying to keep the Brit from charging the wall.
>Brit hits American in the head with buttstock
> Nat d20
>Instant brain hemorrhaging
> Meanwhile the German and Russian are fighting over who gets to throw the grenade.
>Shots are still being fired from the house.
>Russian snatches the grenade from the grenade from the German telling him to stop defiling "ishvana".
>German tackles the Russian.
>Knocks over Brit affixing his bayonet
>Brit impaled in the throat
>Pin comes loose on the grenade.
>German stares
>Russian stares
>TPK
>End session 1

But how can it be a boy if it has no pin?

Grenade from the German.

>doesn't want magic powers

>most good martial abilities are magic powers

Cool bro.

Bump

This. Unless your character is a god, most of the shit martials do IS magic.

You're not Hercules.

>Is it a nymph?
>No.
>Is it hostile?
Repeat at the start of any and all encounters, even when it doesn't make sense.

And you're not Gandalf or Merlin. Meanwhile, Fighters should be Beowulf

I'm intrigued by the order of those questions. Would establishing hostility not be the first priority?

>And you're not Gandalf or Merlin.

That's true. You're an arcane spellcaster. You cast magic spells.

Martials are not magical and are not half god. They cannot do anything Extraordinary or Supernatural. That's magic.

Basically, if you can't do it IRL, it's magic. That's the domain of spell casters.

Why would you not be Gandalf? Gandalf wasn't really that magical at all. More of a hexblade, really.
And Merlin? Merlin was primarily a diviner, you could easily have a PC equal of Merlin. He didn't fling no fireballs.

>Gandalf wasn't really that magical at all.

Gandalf was literally an angel of god. He was not from Arda.

Regardless, in D&D both casters and martials are magical in nature.

That just makes his race Outsider. He was still not very high CR or loaded in high level spells.

I have a story in a similar style to share.

>Running an Army of Darkness campaign, using the source material at the back of the book and some modifications
>"As you enter the chamber, you see what looks like a glowing blue sphere flying around. Upon closer inspection, it appears to be a flying skull, with elongated canines, emanating a frosty aura, and delivering a downright terrifying screech as it floats through the room."
>Player chimes in
>"So what kind of skull is it? Like, is it hostile? I'm gonna greet it."
>They were inside a Nazi super science base full of Deadites and SS, and had just spent the last hour roasting/shooting/stabbing/exploding evil creations and stereotypical cackling Nazis
>Player steps out, greets the skull with "Ho there, bonehead!"
>Skull turns around, crashes into his face and begins gnawing on his nose
>Nearly dies

I am not blessed with intelligent players, but god damn was that campaign fun.

Gandalf was an Angel. Merlin was half demon. Hardly fair to say the fighter can't be half god when the average Wizard gets to surpass those two in effect constantly.

You could easily have a PC equal them, if you gutted half the spell list and capped them at level 8 or so.

Evidently not, I think he just wanted to a tree spirit.

this is what you get for writing shitty plot hooks

>Gandalf was an Angel
Angels in D&D are far superior to Maiar. Gandalf was a mere Outsider of custom variety. Not special.
>Merlin was half demon
Cambions are not particularly powerful to begin with so matching up to one is not very hard.
>Hardly fair to say the fighter can't be half god
Demigods however are so far above those that it's ridiculous to compare. It's comparing a level 5 to a level 23

>the rogue player argues with the DM that it's unfair that he can't collect any loot from the new PC since it should have the starting loot at the very least
The rouge player is totaly correct here.

There is nothing wrong with selling every single thing you find in the dungeon.
They were stupid to stop the rescue to do so though

>They cannot do anything Extraordinary or Supernatural. That's magic.

m80 Extraordinary is explicitly nonmagical.

>Extraordinary Abilities (Ex)
>Extraordinary abilities are nonmagical, though they may break the laws of physics. They are not something that just anyone can do or even learn to do without extensive training.

Underrated

I don't believe this story at all

>Day the first
"Hey, DM, while these idiots are arguing about stealing -fucking sand-, could you describe the puzzle to me?"
>"No! You can't solve the puzzle! We're going to steal the sand out of it!"
"It's not like it's going anywhere."
>"We want to steal it now, though!"
"You realize that the townspeople are going to be pissed if we don't come back with their baby, right?"
>"We don't care! We want out loot!"
"And that they'll probably give us a better price for it if we bring it back at the same time as the baby."
>stunned silence from the peanut gallery
>"Let's get that damn baby!"

>You approach the camp of the militants ravaging the countryside. They do not see you yet. The prisoners of their pillaging are near one of the tents. You can tell they are tied up and in poor condition.
>Bet you a dollar you can't hit their captain with your bow
>You're on.
>Wait what
>[After shooting the captain causing a scramble to pack up and move the camp. Followed by a pursuit the next morning as they followed the small army's path through the dense brush.]
>What about the hostages guys?
>There were hostages?
>DM, are the hostages still alive?
>There's a large hole near where they were at the previous camp site.
>GUYS WE FUCKED UP

"Oh great being!"
When adressing a machine powered by a lesser demon bound to it.

>GM: You see a pale figure lying on the four-poster bed, a man with a copper coin over each of his eyes.
>Player 1: I drive a stake into his heart, then I tuck him in.
>Player 2: Why tuck him in?
>Player 1: It's the least I could do after killing him.

...

That's what you get for giving your players cocaine

>a durr random bullshit with no context
>fuck this, we're leaving
Seems right to me.