A scorpion, being a very poor swimmer, asked a turtle to carry him on his back across a river. "Are you Scorpion mad...

>A scorpion, being a very poor swimmer, asked a turtle to carry him on his back across a river. "Are you Scorpion mad?" exclaimed the turtle. "You'll sting me while I'm swimming and I'll drown."
>>"My dear turtle," laughed the scorpion, "if I were to sting you, you would drown and I would go down with you. Now where is the logic in that?"
>"You're right!" cried the turtle. "Hop on!" The scorpion climbed aboard and halfway across the river gave the turtle a mighty sting. As they both sank to the bottom, the turtle resignedly said:
>"Do you mind if I ask you something? You said there'd be no logic in your stinging me. Why did you do it?"
>>"It has nothing to do with logic," the drowning scorpion sadly replied. "It's just what my character would do."

Have you ever seen someone who makes characters like scorpion?

How the fuck would a scorpion sting a turtle while riding his back?

Fuckers got a shell.

Nice twist on that. Yes, I've encountered those dickheads. It was a samurai who refused to help the party fight back after an ambush because he fought with the paladin the night before in and out of game.

I chuckled.

Usually it's a frog that it happens to, but maybe it got stung in the neck or something? What if it's a softshell turtle?

Throat hit. She'll doesn't fully cover the neck or flippers.

I find the best way to deal with such players is to give them a taste of their own medicine.

That can range from removing a limb, killing them or turning them into a newt depending on the circumstances.

When they inevitably get upset, just shrug and say, "It's what my character would do."

Only a handful of times does my group let their character override their common sense, but rarely does it disrupt the story that much.
Usually it just means they have to fall for the obvious mimic/doppelganger/spike trap/cunningly disguised bard etc. instead of prodding everything warily with a 10 foot wooden pole.

I'm usually the one ashamed because I act (IC) before I think

Why did you post Ball of Arms Man?

You really fucked that story up.

>>"It has nothing to do with logic," the drowning scorpion sadly replied. "It's my nature."
Is the only thing he/she changed

Just told it in a shitty way and on top of that it's supposed to be a frog because a turtle makes no sense since it has a shell to prevent that very thing.

>not knowing what a soft shell turtle is

But... why did he post Ball of Arms Man?

Because he couldn't post Ball of Boobs Woman since Veeky Forums is a blue board.

Ball of Arms Man x Ball of Boobs Woman is my OTP

Just last weekend.
The party leader needed a torch to burn unwanted vines, sadly the only torch they had left was being held by the half-orc who only wanted to trade one shiny thing for another.
So the leader traded with him a mastercrafted flute for the torch. 1 second later the half-orc blew the flute with all his might, alerting the entire enemy stronghold we were sneaking into.

The fucking party leader forgot that the half-orc had INT 7 and was being roleplayed as a brain dead retard!

>INT 7
That's not even that low. Plus, isn't not doing retarded stuff like that more of a Wisdom thing?

Yeah, I had to deal with a DH player who did this to justify every asinine thing he felt like doing. The fact that he was also a spotlight wore didn't help matters.

I was just about to ask after Ball of Boobs Woman. I wonder how she and Ball of Arms Man are getting on...

>not using the "I can swim" version

doesn't that defeat the point though?

the idea of the story is the scorpion is willing to die in order to also kill the frog/turtle/whatever. If it's not a sacrifice then the scorpion's just a dick

The scorpion is a dick either way, but if it can swim, then it's a clever dick who tricked the frog into being vulnerable while hiding its own strength.

And if he can't swim he's a slave to his own dickery.

Which is why the "can swim" version is used by the people who emulate the scorpion's trickery and the "can't swim" version is used by everyone else.

Why doesn't the scorpion just sting it after they get to the other side?

Because it's a murderhobo like my players.

the moral of the story is that a douchebag will screw you over if you help them, even if they hinder themselves in the process
this is because douchebags aren't cold pragmatists, they're just douchebags by default

Reminds me of this.

when you're roleplaying with idiots it doesn't really matter

I very much doubt you have ever actually done that, or at least have never done that and had them learn a lesson. Someone who is that stupid and petty would continue to be stupid and petty, because they are stupid and petty.

Usually when this happens, the entire party agrees to murder the offending character because they're a hindrance to everyone else's livelihoods. We're already putting our lives at risk for fame and fortune, no reason to bring along someone who handicaps us more than they help.

OOC we usually give the person a pass or two if it's not, like, directly attacking the party, and just a minor stupid thing they did.

Wherever there are doors, I must open them.
Wherever there are unexplored areas, I must explore them.
I am a squishy Wizard with 6 strength and I will be the first to go on.

>dwarf tries to fuck every female NPC
>wizard gets annoyed and rolls to cockblock
>dwarf tries to fuck wizard's younger sister
>wizard webs and color sprays dwarf
>dwarf spends rest of campaign taking everything he can to make him better at killing casters

>Implying that a turtle would swim while hiding its head inside its shell.