Things NPCs say behind the party's back

"I feel violated"

> I want the Dark Lord back. Sure, he was tough, but at least trains ran on time.

>sneak attack!

"I should probably report these mentally ill folk to the town guard, also who is Donald trump?"

>Swear to Lathander, there I am in the fucking slave-pens, kidnapped by orcs
>these fuckers roll in, murder everyone in sight, then let us out and start questioning us.
>I tell them which corridor leads to the warchiefs throneroom
>They have a fucking 45 minute brainstorming session about how to kill him, or whether to go outside and have a nap first
>1 person mentions getting hostages out, and the others just talk right over him. There are two dozen of us. Bleeding, man. Malnourished.
>They fucking kill the warchief like its nothing, two of them go down with the worst fucking trauma I've ever seen a person survive.
>The priest guy goes over and slaps them awake
>They start casually discussing who gets his axe.

>First they smear rats all over my stock, then they just leave!

I can't believe they agreed to wipe out the bandit camp for 20c and a pair of leather gloves.

>If he slaps my bar maid's ass one more time, I'm dropping a baleful polymorph on him and see how he likes being a mouse.

>So can you please let us out of these cages?
>It's been two weeks since that happened.

Murder is its own reward

>"If that bard asks me to reduce my prices by playing his mandolin one more time I'm gonna shove it up his ass"

>So, a barbarian, a warlock, and a cleric walk into a bar...

You know, there's no threat to the kingdom. The king just said that in order to stop them from killing the rest of us.

man I love these threads

Sounds like you play with some shit people.

Drew, it's been half a day. Where's our new prompt?

"You ever feel nervous when talking to adventurers?"
"Sort of, now that you mention it. I wonder why?"
"They always look like they are ready to kill you but they might also try to convince you to do something stupid and then you somehow magically agree to go along with it."

Maybe we didn't agree with everything the corrupt baron did, but at least he said it like it was, and he was tough on orc crime.

"That druid fucks the Ranger's wolf, I just know it."

Totally useless spells the wizard prepares every day

2/10 Would not recommend

Torvald's Hardening Shaft. It's not like he gets laid anyway.

It's not gay if it's an elf.

I prepared Exploding Runes this mo-

...

Endless glass of chocolate milk.

At least, thats what id do.

Wish.

That's not useless at all.

>Protection Against Violent Barbarian Player Characters.

Come on, what's a few critical axe strikes among friends?

Prestidigitation.

"Hey Mike!Ii totally just sold that old, rusted iron sword to that dipshit for 500 gold! I just told him it was magical, and he bought it!"

If that isn't the most useful spell in the wizard's spellbook, your game sucks.

>Modify Memory

Yeah, that's what I told them, but the DM boyfriend is the most by-the-rule pathfinder player I ever saw. To his credit, he know the Pathfinder core rulebook quite well. I tried to argue my point, but to no avail.
> can't clean something more than 30 cm cube
> even if I could clean it, dirt would reappear after 1 hour.
> so I couldn't use multiple instances of it to clean myself after a long day of travel.
> object created this way, or transmutated this way are way too crude to do anything. You need an illusion spell to do the trick.
> So I couldn't pay the racist barman in gold-looking cooper piece
> nor give his cash a charocal-looking apparence for one hour
> The only way I could use it is to serve as Perform (prestidigitation show).

The DM kept shutting me off for so long that I assumed I was becoming That Guy. Was I That Guy, Veeky Forums ?

There's a difference between being clever and being That Guy. The difference is a fine line, but unless there's something you're not telling us, it sounds like you didn't cross it.

I saw a mudcrab the other day. Horrible creatures!

Goddammit.

The cleric just... keeps preparing create water.

Don't get me wrong, having access to fresh water is great. But its all she does. Whenever she gets access to higher level magic, she just learns how to create water in fancier ways.

The ability to create 5 tiny fountains of water that make a rainbow is not worth a Cure Critical Wounds slot, god damnit.

If it wasn't for her ability to turn spell slots into healing magic on the go, she couldn't do anything. Aside for maybe put out fires.

The cleric you speak of is a foul degenerate.

I much prefer the young wizard that creates such magnificent explosions.

>tfw almost party wipe b/c druid forgot to create rain while fighting a fire elemental
Don't underestimate how important putting out fires can be.

Cute succubus girl > explosion wizard > water cleric > masochistic paladin

>Why won't these men just fucking gangbang me. I am the only woman in this party and they talk to me only when they need healing. I just want to worship their cocks with my mouth instead of curing illness and dealing with injuries all the time

Every time I play a cleric, there are at least three occasions where I regret not preparing create water

>Forgetting busty undead
Explosion > undead > succubus > cleric > paladin

"So wait what happened sarge?"
"We had him surrounded and the dipshit becomes a panther and tries running through us"

"Did he just steal my fucking sword?"
"Just let him have it Jim. I saw him kill a dragon. And then he cut open its stomach just so he could get a few gold coins. You don't want to mess with that kind of psycho."

I don't recall him prepari--HEY!

"Who're the new guys?"
"Just ignore them, if they approach you tell them about some goblin camp up north"
"Is there a goblin camp up north?"
"Fuck knows."

Items that you loot off a spelunking hill giant that's been pillaging a Kuo-toa village.

regular-sized banjo in perfect condition

Giant sized fish sticks

A jug of alchemy on mayo mode, with a painting on it depicting a ritualistic dance or some sort of recipe.

I'm a guard.

Underware

Heh

An oversized bag of Chex-Mix

Wow, that's very clever!

Quick, while they're looking the other way! Run for it!

Explosive Runs.

I always try to have the NPCs react to OOC shit when the players get too distracted from the game and such so that's actually a really common occurrence for my NPCs.

"Ok, merchant, we've come to a decision on how many potions we wish to buy."

"Yes, I heard, and I'm quite grateful you didn't go with the 'kill him, burn the corpse, blame it on orcs, and run.' option."

Shows that are only popular in the US and burgers assume everybody knows what the fuck they are talking about.

Who the fuck is this fat guy and why do you care so much about him?

Not all of us live in communist shitholes where American TV is banned, user. The fact that you haven't heard of "Whose Line Is it Anyway?" is rather sad.

Fuck off, newfag. We have these threads all the time; you should be able to figure it out from context alone.

>Not knowing about the only time the US successfully copied a UK tv show.

The limited export potential outside of English speaking countries is mostly given by the fact that jokes don't translate all that well.

There is an improve sketch comedy show called 'Whose Line is it Anyway?' where they cycle through a few different kinds of skits that force the comedians to come up with material on the spot.

The drinking song and 'bad dubbing' sketchs are always my favorite, but 'scenes from a hat' is what the OP image is for. Its simple. He pulls a random prompt from a hat and the comedians go in order coming up with responses to that prompt until a new one is called.

youtube.com/watch?v=oxXYiHcmLoU

Just start charging them in sex.

Lightly fried fish fillets.

I avoid them whenever I can.

"But Potion master I need your STRONGEST potions."

A crudely made wallet with hundreds of pictures of tadpoles inside

very good

One of my players argues that he's always clean thanks to Prestidigitation. Be fun to mess with him and remind him it's only one cubic foot every hour.

I like this. Good job for being fun.

>Hey have you noticed that those guys never go to the bathroom?
>What?
>Yeah I mean, they come here often and I have never seen them use the latrines or anything
>So?
>Don't you think its weird?
>I mean yeah but who cares?
>Don't know... just seems really odd, also a lot of rats have been appearing on basements around here since they arrrived...
>And?
>Its odd, bunch of weirdos show up one day and suddenly everyone has to hire them to deal with a rat infestation, they leave and thats it, they come back and some other stuff shows up that only they can deal with...
>Its just coincidence
>I never had rats in my basement before they came here
>Well there's always a first time
>Ugh forget it...

>rats spawn whenever players are near
>if investigated this is due to a curse put upon them by a cult wishing to spread the plague
thank you for my next plot hook!

Create water/Bless water.

Always.

Magic toothpaste. Improves your bite attack.

That, and it also cleans your teeth real good.

The wolf has to have something to do while the Ranger is busy showing the Fighter the wonders of her 'natural bush.'

Or you could ask nicely.

Reread the last line of the spell. The cleaning is permanent.

I forgot the name of the character and the manga.

Watamote, though that might be from a doujin of it.

The girl is Tomoko Kuroki

Question around the prestidigitation spell: could you clean something you don't see, that is less than a foot cube and is inside the human body, like lungs?

Things the rogue have seen while spying but is too embarassed to tell anyone.

The Druid was fucking the Ranger's wolf.

related.

The Druid fucking the Ranger's wolf.

I'm not one to make gossip, but I know for a fact that the Druid is fucking the Ranger's wolf

Jinx you owe me a splat book.

The Ranger's wolf was fucking the Druid

His mother fucking the druid. And the ranger's pet wolf.