You change, add, or remove one letter from your favourite spell's name. How do its effects change?
>Alter Shelf
10-minute ritual. Assemble or disassemble one piece of Ikea furniture of your choice.
>Create or Destroy Walter
If Walter isn't in existence, he is created in a free space adjacent to you.
Otherwise, Walter takes 10d10 necrotic damage.
>Speak with Dad
I wish I'd learned this one in wizard school, now it's too late to add to my spellbook.
The mandatory:
>Breast Sense
>Ass Without Trace
>Phantom Seed
>True Peeing
>Plane Shit
>Tenser's Gloating Disc
You create a slightly concave, circular plane of force that follows you about and says how great Tenser was for creating the spell.
>Firebalm
Used to heal injuries caused by fireballs.
>Praise Dead
Often cast at funerals.
>Rat of Frost
Produces 1d8 frozen rats.
>Cone of Old
A blast of old temporarily ages people 8d8 years in a 60 foot cone.
>Palm Emotions
A spell that allows you to use your sleight of hand to steal an emotion from someone.
>Cream
This spell shapes a creature's dreams (into a wet dream).
>Bone of Truth
You create a magical bone that will never tell a lie to you (I promise).
>Fly
Summons 1d4 flies.
>Cone on Cold
1st Level Invocation
Create an upside down ice cream cone, with a scoop of vanilla ice cream in it, on the floor of the first available adjacent tile.
At 4th level you may choose for the ice cream to be strawberry.
At 7th level you may choose for the ice cream to be chocolate.
>Gentle Repost
2nd-level illusion. Your copypasta passes off as original content.
>Tern Undead
Raise a small bird as an undead creature
>Turf Undead
Reduce an undead creature to compost and use it to grow grass
>Aura of Lime
Any gin and tonics within a 30-foot radius centered on you gain advantage on all rolls.
>Demi's Plane
You and up to five willing creatures are transported to a plane of existence inhabited by clones of Demi Moore.
>Arcane Mock
Conjure a comical observation about topical events.
>Ish
9th-level conjuration. By simply speaking aloud, you can alter the very foundations of reality in accord with your desires. Sorta.
>Find Familiar
2nd-level enchantment
On a failed Charisma save, the target becomes convinced they know you from somewhere. Like, were you in that play I saw last week, or at that party last summer, you know, with what's-his-name's cousin?
>Dog Cloud
Useless by itself, but if combined with the partner spell it will cause it to rain cats and dogs
>Secret Age
You refuse to tell someone your age.
Women gain this as a cantrip.
>Limited Wash
Create enough warm soapy water to clean your hair, face and neck.
>Magic Fissile
Magically turns up to a kilogram of otherwise ordinary material into highly enriched uranium.
>Mage Amour
Wizard dating.
>Colour Spray
The same as Color Spray but more British.
>Colours Pray
Iridescence seems to flow across every surface, as the pigments themselves fall to their knees, begging for the intercession of the Rainbow Serpent.
>Stonekin
Makes nearby geology, including stone elementals, see you as family for the duration.
>Paste
Summons a copy of an object previously dismissed with the Cut spell of duplicated with the Copy spell.
>Grater Haste
Excellent for the culinary wizard in a hurry getting the pizza done
>Dankness
I need to remember these for when my players stumble upon a shady discount scroll shop
>Speak with Dad
You have a conversation with your father.
>Dentify
You put a bunch of dents in someone's armor making it hard for them to move
>Dentify
You turn whatever this is cast upon into an assorted pile of teeth unless the target makes a will save.
Tone skin
>Turn targets skin darker, must be washed off with oil. Does stack.
Alter elf
>Slightly change the physical appearance of target elf.
Speak with mead
>Only castable while heavily drunk, answers one question truthfully... sort of
>Bestow Purse
Summons an extraplanar handbag
>Commute
For when you can't afford to teleport
>Crying
Like hideous laughter, but sadder
>Farm
Lets you wreck the job security of peasants
>Magic Bar
Basically Mordenkainen's Magnificent Mansion
>Planar Pally
Summons a lawful good paladin which proceeds to suck out all the fun from the current situation by invoking morality
>Funbeam
For the duration of the spell, you can fire off beams of concentrated fun from your hands. You also shed bright fun 30ft. around you and low-fun an additional 30ft.
>Forge Cage
You transmute a 10ft. cube of material into the shape of Nicholas Cage
>Protect Image
You overlay a translucent magical sigil on top of a targeted image, preventing others from claiming ownership over it.
>Indivisibility
>Character is temporarily immune to damage from cutting/piercing weapons.
>Character is also immune to such effects as Clone and Mirror Image.
>Unseen Savant
Some invisible, intangible smug British asshole follows you around for the spell duration, sarcastically commenting on your life choices.
>>Speak with Dad
>I wish I'd learned this one in wizard school, now it's too late to add to my spellbook.
... dark.
>Pass Without Race
If you need to get through an area with lots of cops.
>Magi Missile
One of the Three Wise Men fires out of your fingertip at an enemy.
>Ass Invisibility
Do she got a booty?
No, I'm serious, does she?
>Scone to Flesh
Liven up a tea party
>Dope trick
You do a trick, everyone who sees it says that it's pretty dope.
>Burning Sands
Converts a small quantity of sand into a flammable substance that can be used like oil in a lantern.
>Cloudkilt
Summon a male skirt made from cloudstuff. Acts as hot weather gear. Has a 1 in 10 chance of being a stormcloud. If so, the wearer and everything within a 15ft radius has a chance of being struck by lightning, dealing 2d8+4 lightning damage. Also, it rains on the wearer's feet.
>Roy of Enfeeblement
Summons your uncle Roy, who is very tiresome.
>Stoner Tell
Creates a story--usually involving this one time you got high--that you find fascinating but which sober people will probably consider very inane.
>Manic Mouth
Target runs off at the mouth a bit.
>Dud-Dimension
Creates a new dimension, which is pretty cool, I guess, but, like... is there a more exciting one around here anywhere?
>Find Blank
Useful for locating blank Scrabble tiles.
>Varnish
Treat your whole deck!
>Explosive Rubes
Remember when your mother told you to steer well clear of idiots? Sound advice that.
>Slider Climb
Allows you to go up the business end of a slide without busting your ass.
>Leomund's Titty Hut
Bring the strip club with you!
>Waiter Breathing
Allows the target to breathe as waiters do. Nobody is quite sure why you'd want to do this, but it's just one more arrow in your quiver.
>Dug
Like a Dig spell, only you did it yesterday.
>Shocking Gasp
Causes the target to cry out as if in orgasm, which can be quite shocking to the people around them.
>Wall of Lice
Trust me; you'll want to give this one a wide berth.
>Wall of Irony
Careful! It's a bit too philosophical for many people to grasp.
>Wall of Farce
The low wall seems quite climbable, but inevitably leads to humiliating pratfalls.
>Ball of Ice
They'll never suspect it in June.
>Libness
+20 to emotional appeals and accusations of facism for 60 minutes
>Banishing Smith
Kicks Smith the fuck out for the last time.
>Darkskin
Covers your body in a coat of ebony skin impenetrable to all pleas for a better tip
>Canfusion
Creates delicious succotash in one round.
material components: 1 can green beans, 1 can corn
>Phantasmal Kisser
Just for practicing in your room sometimes
>Power Word Stan
Make your enemy Stan. Stan's the fuckin' man.
>Fish
Call Stan and see if he wants to hang sometime.
>Mime Stop
Because nobody really finds them amusing.
>Power Word, Fill
For when you need to quickly address your hunger.
>Power Word, Dill
Primarily used to make pickles.
>Bigby's Forceful Rand
Seriously, dude. Just read Atlas Shrugged. It'll change your life. Take it. Take it!
>Part Waiter
Usually pretty unpleasant for the waiter.
>Fine Traps
Because nobody should be able to lead you on like that without having to compensate you for your emotional anguish.
>Peak with Plants
This is the best part of the trip.
>Braise Dead
Yummy goodness.
>Tire Storm
Pelts all within target area with used radials.
>Creeping Zoom
Allows you to creep must faster than usual.
>Ire Shield
Sticks and stones...
>Shitter
Because dungeons don't have nearly enough working bathrooms.
>Tone Shape
No need for a workout.
>Alter Realty
Helps you with that fixer-upper.
Of course you know that is a real but extreme example of a hat from India used by warrior Sikhs with Chakram (Xena Round KIlly thing)
>Dog
Summons a random dog for 1+1d4 hours. Note that this is not "create dog", as the dog will return to its previous location when the spell ends. The spell usually summons a dog from a reasonable distance away, but can theoretically summon any dog.
>Maid
Similar to Dog, but with maids.
>Arcane Sock
It'll cost you two spell slots if you don't want to look stupid.
>Arcane Date
Make sure you put on your Arcane Socks before going on one of these.
>Arcane Lye
It burns. Sometimes literally.
>Aura of Lice
Eww.
>Beast Bend
Useful, but potentially unethical.
>Bigby's Sand
It's very nice sand.
>Bigby's Land
It's mostly sand.
>Boner of the Earth
Now your Druid can also be your bard.
>Harm Person
Why bother with other spells when you can just be so direct?
>Cloud of Diggers
Efficient, though slightly grotesque.
>Cone of Old
Please no.
>Conjure Miner Elementals
Man, wizards really do make for great miners.
>Control Heather
A very, very limited version of mind control spells.
>Oresight
A must have for the mining wizard.
>Crease
An often-overlooked skill for the letter-writer and package-wrapper.
>Arm
Hand not included.
>Waste
Casting Arm without a Hand spell ready.
>Seal
Depending on the user, this can be very powerful magic, or the Druid comes from the cold and frozen north.
>Old Person
For all your geriatric needs.
>Dice Storm
I'm sure one of these will be a nat 20.
>Lump
They won't be using CHA for much longer.
>Legend Ore
This is just cheating.
>Love Earth
Druids.
>Asswall
Bards.
>Produce Lame
Why is this a spell? Why would you try to fail like this?
>Trope Trick
Retire and write a bestseller.
>Crying
Depressing.
>Tasha's Hideous Slaughter
It was horrific once, but now you're just a copycat.
>Lime Stop
Causes scurvy... after a really long time.
>Wall of Hand
Touchy-feely.
>Wall of Ick
You don't want to know where its been.
>Water Talk
Sure you can breathe down there, but talking is entirely different.
>Speak with Pants
Useful. They go everywhere.
>Tasha's Hideous Daughter
Not exactly a supermodel, but backup's always handy in a dungeon.
>Bass Invisibility
For all those times when it's absolutely critical that you conceal your fish.
>Bending
It's not magic; it's bending.
>Fools Mold
It's actually mildew.
>Rape Trick
The material components are some candy and a van.
>Wizard Lick
Very popular amongst female wizards.
>Blow
Very popular amongst male wizards.
>Power Word, Sun
It's recommended that you stay far, far away from the area of effect.
>Fart Water
It's all terribly embarrassing.
>Told Person.
Person is told.
>Loudkill
For when you haven't got the time or patience to kill people with finesse.
>Fire Steeds
Asbestos saddles sold separately.
>Old Plant
Conjures forth a rather scraggly bush.
>Phantasmal Kidder
Creates a spectral force that gently needles the target.
>Dorkness
Target suddenly seems a lot less cool than they did a minute ago.
You know, this would be great as a sort of fourm game. You take other results and run them through again. Like so:
>Blending
It's not bending, it's liquefying.
>Sold Person
Illegal in most places. Most.
>Peek with Plants
Nature's voyeurism.
>Power Word: Stain
That'll never come out.
>Cloudkrill
>Solid Person
in case someone gets liquified
>Fabricgate
Transform solid doors into curtains.
Spark a political conflict wherein tailors are accused of misogyny for getting angry about corruption and a lack of ethics in industry surrounding the reporting on the quality of different fabrics.
>Power Word, Mill
Turns grain into flour, and keeps Spanish knights busy.
>Lightning Colt
Quick-draw like nobody's business!
>Lightning Dolt
Increase your Agility score by taking points from your Intelligence score.
>Slur
At-will cantrip, insults groups of people.
>Cloud of Naggers
Summons a warm of tiny mouths to distract the target with incessant questions of they can't finish their project soon or take away the dishes or get a job or go and talk to their father...
>Maze
A 1-foot spray that causes temporary blindness and pain on a failed Fortitude save.
>Mage Band
Nobody bothered to tell them bards were full casters now. They play on weekends.
> Massage
For when your barbarian gets a little too tense with rage.
>Feather Ball
Thrown spell attack that explodes in a 10 ft radius. Enemies hit sneeze for 1d6 rounds, and are thoroughly pranked if also hit by the grease spell.
>Gas
It is impolite to use this spell in an enclosed room with other people.
>Eat metal
You implant a portal in your gullet allowing you to safely consume up to 50 lbs of at least partially metal objects.
> Enlarge/Seduce
The most literal form of magical realm.
>Nice Storm
For 1d6 hours the weather becomes blustery enough to convince your lady to cuddle up next to the fire with you, but without causing any significant damage. Has double effectiveness with hot cocoa.
>Toneskin
Wizard becomes a delicious brown for 24 hours.
expect patronum
Well?
>Thunderweave
Creates a physical barrier of woven sound energy, which releases a tremendous explosion when damaged.
>Lice Knife
Bloody disgusting.
>Absorb Exergy
Removes the usable energy from something, immediately concluding any spontaneous processes such as acceleration, heat transfer, or breaking.
Magic miss'e
>Will Shape
The caster may become any named Will for up to 10 minutes. At level 6, they may instead become a Bill or Willy and at level 13 a William or Billy.
Combine it with a sandgolem and you get your tpk.
no, all three do. Magi is plural
>Ass Without Trace
Illusion spell - make a fat ass appear to be no ass at all (banned in most civilized cultures)
>Unseen Savant
Summons an invisible spirit to assist you with tasks. The first command you give it will be followed perfectly; any subsequent command not thematically connected to the first will be failed miserably
>Creeping Zoom
Like Arcane Eye with telephoto lens. Perfect for perverts.
Banishing Mite
>Rap the Soul
Create new genre of music by mixing existing, almost non related styles.
>Otto's Irresistable Lance
>Wall of Hire
Conjures a mob of college graduates all with excellent credentials and a load of debt, who create a sort of fluid barrier in a semicircle between you and the target, who the graduates perceive as being able to hook them up with a job.
HR departments keep contingent counterspells prepared against this specific spell.
>Walk of Fire
The one-stop answer for a fashion mage looking to one-up their opponent. The death toll for front row seats has incidentally spiked.
>Wall of Fired
When you need to red-tape a scene fast.
Ant Maul: short range mug target ant.
touch of the pea: makes target bed uncomfortable
protection from Saw: all saw movies playing in the range are paused for the durations of this spell.
red magic: target mage becomes a swordsman in addition to his other types.
Dragon's breadth: I'll leave this to your imagination.
Bestow course: serves a meal.
Burning Bands: set 1d4 bards on fire.
Less: reduce the number of a stack of items
Cone of old: area of cone become black and white and twenties music plays.
Cause Gear: equip target adventuring party.
remove Gear: unequip target adventuring party.
Expeditious Reteat: quickly replaces missing nipple
Summon Mobster 1-9: level 7 and above come with tommy guns.
Slur: summon Donald trump to talk about local politicians.
Hiroism: summon Hiro Protagonist.
Wall of horse: useful if you need to make glue.
Baste: prepares one Turkey.
Stoner Shape: become Rastafarian for the duration of the spell.
>Bane?
Big guys in the area take 1d8 surprised question damage
> Rape Trick
> Stone Boner
>RAPE TRICK
holy fuck i spat my macaroni all over my couch
>Power Word: Stan
Make your enemy your biggest, if not your healthiest, fan
>Necrotic Boat
Useful for crossing the river Styx. Just try not to sit on the rotting bits.
>Stoneshin
+8 AC against small dogs and coffee tables.
>Arcane Park
A common feature in most wizarding colleges.
>Ghost Pound
For when the bard inevitably breaks his "must have a pulse" rule.
>Shapechang
Polymorphs the nearest Chinese person.
Ahem: