Things you won't hear from an archmage

Things you won't hear from an archmage.

>I respect warriors.

Son over there? I need you to tickle this goat's genitals while I get it to please me himself in mutuality for a pleasure ritual where he appears in a illusion of a siren, in doing so you shall get your FAIR SHARE but for now the demons are singing.

Please.

WON'T hear from an archmage, not what he says every other weekend.

>You are all very important to my success, I couldn't do any of this without you.

I roll to lock pick the door

Maybe we should consider the moral implications?

>i have friends

>I feel ashamed

>Level 20 casters being evenly matched with Level 20 fighters makes perfect sense.

I donno. Give it to the rogue. He can use magic shit.

Move closer. I want to hit them with my sword.

>I can't do that.

>At least I'm not a virgin!

>Life is hard.

>I don't have a spell for this.

>Maybe you guys should talk to the priest about all this magic stuff.

>You need a magic item so you take it.

>I actually have the material components I need to cast this spell.

>

...

3.5 is garbage.

>"I guess the Emperor DID ban sorcery for a good reason?"

To be fair, mages can summon shit and mess with peoples' minds, so he has a chance. Or in some cases, even more chances then the martial with his dumped mental stats and almost no skillpoints.

>I can't do that. It would be unethical, highly irresponsible, and morally bankrupt. I am none of these things and want nothing to do with this dangerous fool's errand.

>i'm Sorry

>I don't know

>I admit that was my fault

This magical artifact is highly dangerous, I should just destroy it outright. Then the madman actually does it instead of secreting it away.

Guys, I need more armor!

>Are you mad? I'm not going to cause a meteor storm in the middle of a battlefield, our allies are in the fray!

>He's too strong for me, only the warrior can defeat him.

>Your majesty, I cannot take all the credit, my fellows here were invaluable to our success.

>I concede this task to you, swordsman, for your muscle must succeed in place of my magic.

Sorry, I only know basic cantrips.

>Magic is merely a spook.

>sorry
>I've never been to the library.
>Do these robes make my ass look big?
>Fireball is an over used spell.
>I can't study with all this peace and quiet. somebody make some noise.
> Since we're working together i offer my spells pro bono.
pic DEFINITELY related >Magic is as magic does.
>Kid don't go into the whole magic biz. it's a dead end job.

Yes I could give a wonderful beach experience by creating a arcane ritual using the sacrifice of all the pretzel makers in the nearby city while they simulataeously craft a different arcane rune out of dough full of arcane ingredients, in order to contol the moon and shift it around a bit till the tidal effects are just right for our perfect beach trip while causing who knows what havoc on other parts of the world no one really cares about anyway because they only ever got like one sourcebook of info.

But personally I advise we just wait for the proper tidal time period to go. Afterall with great power comes great responsibility

Look, just go hit the thing and everything will be fine

>Hm... maybe I should shave this beard, get rid of my pointy hat, and change from a robe to more simple adornments if I'm to be traveling and casting fireballs.

Not to mention sorcerers.
Which may have some difficulty earning the Archmage title.
But if one does, that's totally what he'll say to any of the more nerd-oriented archmages when they try to pose their bigger staves around.

>sorcerers are good at magic

Thank you.

>We should all listen to the fighter.

Things you should never tell a dwarf.

The beard is a sign of a GOOD Archmage.

Not in the alignment sense, but in the "I actually have enough control over my magics to not burn my facial hair off".

That's why the longer the beard = the better the Archmage.

>Traveling with all you guys has expanded my horizons and taught me humility
>I would never have managed this without you guys

> But smoking Weed is better for you than drinking

>implying he doesn't have a spell for regrowing it, turning it fireproof, or even turning back time to before it got burnt

>"It's pronounced ARK-mage."

>"They're only silver pieces, hardly even worth the effort."

>Don't worry, I only had to throw away the gold we found and I was able to climb back up the cliff no problem.

>Don't worry, it's non-alcoholic.

>This is a vegetarian only establishment

>Why don't you shave once in a while?

>I'm lawful good

>this is where we keep the ale

>The stool folds out, so you can carry it with you anywhere.

...

"In your experience, does size matter?"

>Stonework is alright, but I much prefer carpentry

>are you sure you can handle that?

I have a stepstool for when you need to reach up high

Did you know that dwarfs have beards because they eat out orc ass?

"You need to be *this* tall to drink here."

This crowd is pretty thick, do you need me to pick you up so you can see the parade?

>It's a moleman!

>The Merchant guild's tax collector's found out you stole from them!

Unfortunate names for an inn.

The Inn of Ill Omen

The Dark Citadel.

The chum bucket

INNistrad

The Cock and Balls
The Gentleman's Region
The Outte

Doesn't he loses his powers then?

The Stop 'n Drop.

>Everyone who works there is a butler. Even the owner.

sup and lodge
the berseker retreat
questless
trump tavern
[synonym for inn][word that rhymes]

The Whatever Hole

The Dragon's Offal

Except an archmage WOULD know it's pronounced ark.

>boy I wish I was a fighter

...

Inn n out

The man hole

I'd have a drink in the Man Hole.
I'd also have a drink anywhere named after a Tom Waits song.

This meme needs to die.

The Inn of Innsmouth

Suspicious turns of phrase from your dungeon master

Right. Tell that to your arknemesis, the arkbishop standing in that arkway over there.

>>roll a natural 20 when checking something
>you think it's safe

Exactly how are you opening this treasure chest?

The mage was at the back of the marching order, right? And the rogue was third from the front?

You sure?

Everything is going as planned.

"How do I say this..."

As your vision swims for a moment and the detect magic spell takes effect, you are overcome with sensory input. Magical aura seems to suffuse every inch of this place...
Indeed... The very realm appears magical

Rufiooooo

"Yes, I will spare you a violent death at the primal force of the universe."

>Sound of Dice Rolling
umm...Shit.

>There seems to be a young human girl sitting at the side of the road.

To help the party on your quest, the King assigns you one of his loyal retainers. You are all surprised to see a drow in a black leather armour step forward. He carries a katana strapped on his back, and appears to have one green eye... and one red.

There are GMs who don't do this every time?

dropped from the game immediately, fuck that gay ass shit im out

"There is a crying girl sitting under a statue of an ogre in the middle of the dungeon floor."

>Of course the initiates can use my personal sanctum and Library!

Roll to dodge.