Gimme all your useless magic items!

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I had one of these, damn useful

there's another bit to this, it buffs out scratches

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God damn, the second most useless item here after, the first being the Ointment of dissagreement

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We doing pointless cursed items too?
>cursed cockring of flaccid lust
>gives the wearer an insatiable lust for the first penis they see, but also a horrible disgust of erect penises
>can only be worn by oneself, never applied by another

>Ring of invisibility. Ring only

>Belt of true resurrection, command word activated. Self only.

Ointment of dissagreement is pretty good actually

Fuck you, the ointment of disagreement is a staple of every build worth mentioning.

>>Ring of invisibility. Ring only
That can actually be useful under certain circumstances.
Say you don't want somebody to undo a knot, so you work in the ring somewhere. Unless they find the ring through sense of touch they can't undo the knot.
Or, more realistically, say you are about to have a duel with somebody using a piercing weapon. You stick the ring to the end of his weapon and thus secretly make it useless.
>>Belt of true resurrection, command word activated. Self only.
Can it be used to undo Undeath?

Olimar go home you only have 2 days left!

The fuck are you talking about? The Ointment's more useful than the rest of this shit combined, dumbass.

>>Belt of true resurrection, command word activated. Self only.
But what if the command word is woo?

Fuck you that ointments a piece of useless shit. I'll eat your mom's ass and make your bedtime two hours earlier

A cellphone that can magically tell you your location anywhere in the world.

There is just a red arrow on the casing pointing downwards, and next to it are the words: "You are here."

I really hope people arnt this crazy.

Meh, point is an object enchanted to show your exact location on the planet would haven been unbelievably useful and powerful until the last half century and now it's just boring and redundent.

Sorry, I only noticed after posting that you had said cellphone. I felt bad about my post but I hoped nobody would notice.

This comes as a standard feature, when you purchase...

...one of these

the ointment works wonders for my cleric

That's a cute banana.

If you have to say that out loud you know it isn't true.

>50486007
It's actually for seizures, the edited image was more popular than the original product so they started selling them as anti-masturbation crosses when people started calling to inquire.

I'll post a few I saved from previous threads:
>Cursed Hammer of Identifying
When used to break a magical object or otherwise render it unusable, deposits a letter within the crack. Once the letter is read, it identifies the object's properties. If any attempts are made to repair the item afterwards, they fail until the hammer loses its magical properties, or is destroyed.

ha!

>It's actually for seizures, the edited image was more popular than the original product
Sure, seems reasonable.
>so they started selling them as anti-masturbation crosses when people started calling to inquire.
Wait, seriously? The meme somehow became reality?

Also I'm gonna assume OP meant "useless" and not literally useless. Every magical item can be abused somehow, but the ones with intended uses are more fun to read. I'll be donig some of both, just whatever sounds fun.

>Another knife
Only manifests if you're finding yourself without any equipment and could really use a knife, in which case you'll find one hidden on your person somewhere. Can't be taken from you by force, if someone takes the knife, you'll soon find another one. The knives tend to vanish once they're no longer needed and no-one's looking. Can be given away freely or taken off its former owner's corpse.

A mug that always produces a steaming hot cup of coffee or tea when tapped on the bottom. It conjures the opposite of what the tapper prefers, so if you like tea you get coffee and vice versa. Handing the full mug to another person will make the drink in it transform to the opposite of that persons preferences.

>Bagpipes Of Stealth
Make you invisible but only while being played. Sound not muted.

>Ring of Stone to Flesh
Does nothing to ordinary humanoids. Turns golems into gibbering piles of flesh.

>Hoarder's Wand
Does nothing but for some reason you think it might be important later in your quest.

>Staff of The Fool
Most of the staff is sharp-edged, thus requiring careful handling, and has a brilliant metallic sheen. The top end of the staff is wooden, and separated from the rest by a guard. Can be used to detect characters with 0 ranks in wizard, because they will always wield it upside-down.

Future Bondage Fetish: Confirmed

>Sword of Scrooge
Gives a +10 bonus to attack rolls and damage against the abstract concept of Christmas.

>Wand of Duck Detection
Allows the user to detect the presence of ducks. However, curses the user to always have a duck watch them.

>Pill of Cannon butt
It's a suppository

>Staff of Compensation
You're not compensating for anything with this staff, honest.

>Armour of Deliciousness
When you put on this armour you will smell deliciously deep fried or whatever to any large predators.

>Pill of Redness
Become enlightened about the nature of the world, but you sound like a pretentious douchenozzle whenever you tell anybody about it.

>Clown Armour
+3 to everything, but nobody takes you seriously. Also curses you with clumsiness, red nose and gigantic feet.

>Wand of finding yourself
On use, find yourself.

Some are obviously broken, others aren't.

>The meme somehow became reality?
Did you miss the elections, or what?

>>Bagpipes Of Stealth
I'm putting this one in my campaign.

Don't knock that shit. Comfiness should not be underrated.

Daily reminder a blanket with sleeves earned 200 million dollars.

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>Update never

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Orb of Defenestration.

Its a cursed item.

>ancestorssmilingimperials.jpg

The ointment is soothing.

A holy map that tracks a little icon across itself to show you where you are. Unfortunately it's not only 10,000 years old and completely unrecognizable, but it's also calibrated to display the land on the other side of the world.

A cooking pot that when used summons very small elementals.

Goddamn that would be an incredible find in my setting. History only goes back 500 years and the whole world is a flat plane the size of Ireland.

>Wand of finding yourself
Call it the Wand of Self Discovery and sell it to young monks.

i love the staff of the fool, it's brilliant

A magical burlap sack that's smaller on the inside than it is on the outside

A cursed chamber pot that after every use teleports its contents to a hole in the ground on the other side of the world.
Once every year it instead teleports all of its contents to a random different pot of any kind within 10 miles

Wand of bumout
Bums target out a little, taking away current morale bonuses.

It could be used to break swords in a fight.

wut?

> sphereofslopedetection.jpg

No sure if racist magic or not...

Not you thinking of these
>Will vanish in the presents of any race from the east.

No you're thinking of these
>Will vanish in the presents of any race from the east.

*presence

Condom of impotence

>Curses the user to always have a duck watch them.

I, too, read the Far Side.

I would that snek

Pro skub for life

Wand of create wand
Has one charge, disappears after use.
Expend one charge to summon a wand of create wand

I despise you so goddamn much. Have you actually looked at any objective skub based research? Or do you just look at biased tabloid articles about how skub that reaffirm your viewpoint?

>pic
It wouldn't drain like that unless it was full of superfluid helium.

Once it got below the inner lip it would just stop draining.

Look I am sorry if you are still in the dark about the benefits of skub don't let me stop you, ignorance is bliss.
Also that "objective research" have not been peer reviewed and anyone who publish them must have been paid off.

pro bait

Wand of create two wands of create two wands of create two.... (1 charge)

That's a big mug

Capitalism Works!

Wandxplosion seems pretty fucking neato to me.

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I once built a dungeon with a theme along the lines of it fucking with how magic worked over the long years. Spell effects leaked and leached from other things.

Brought us the cloak of goblin slaying (though sadly nobody ever actually tried to strangle a goblin with it), and the cleanliness blade.

Wot, salad-dressing?

that's actually an excellent instant banishment to the astral or abyssal plane

depending on the size and what you intend to put in it, just add two of them together.

unless it's not actually magical, or if it doesn't count as an extradimensional space for whatever reason.

for you

>Anti-bullying loli

I'd want one for that reason. It says 5+, think it'd fit a skinny 23-year-old with big-ish hips?

>The Mattress of Poverty
no matter how you fluff this gorgeous, thick, mattress, you will always sleep on the thin part of it.

>Bag of Trading
You can take one thing out of the bag for each object you put in the bag. However, you apparently have no control over what you get, and there are no trade-backs. Past research seems to imply there's some sort of logic to what gets you what, but it's extremely convoluted and far from understood. Supposedly a mad mage once understood it enough to consistently trade for enough food and water to live off of, but he was too crazy to explain.
Oh, and don't trade it something you don't own.

>Belt of Tightening
Every time you put this belt on, all of your clothes shrink a fraction of a millimetre. The effect compounds on itself.

>Diadem of Brothaurity
When wearing this headpiece, you are as elegant and well-spoken as a famous diplomat or regent, but you can't stop calling everyone bro.

>Anti-Matches
A box of matches. Striking one will make it begin to drip water from the tip while the match shrivels away. The amount of water a match releases is about enough to fill a tablespoon.

>Lunchbox of Delicious Unfulfillment
This lunchbox will hold whatever food you desire. However you will never get full and the food will deliver no nourishment.

>The Artist's Bludgeon
Inanimate objects hit with this bludgeon will receive no damage; they will however change colour.

>Bullying Gloves
At random intervals, these gloves instil the wearer with a near-irresistible urge to hit themselves.

>a fraction of a millimetre.
You'll have to be a bit more precise than that.

When an elf tries to change a human's armor to fit her, it's important for the player to know whether it's going to take hours, days or weeks.

>Dessert tray of happiness
>A small silver tray. When used to serve a dessert item, consumer feels all their internal worries and distress wash away.
>the next day the despair returns, stacked with any bad feelings that came back after finishing the meal

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doesn't sound sad enough

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An hour per size rank difference for convenience, but if a player feels the need to do this I'd just introduce them to a magic tailor in the next large city they visit - that's a pretty impractical piece of gear to use for anything good.

I have a sword that detects birds of prey because my party wizard decided he wanted to get smart with a magic system and failed.

>cursed rod of dowsing
>leads user to water consistently, but that water is always already being used (inside a tree or rabbit, for example)

>Spectral Rope
Phases through itself and other ropes.

$200 MILLION
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Sounds more like cursed than useless