Mage Guild

Hear ye, hear ye, I call to order another meeting of the Mage Guild.

On the agenda for today: the druids have filed a formal protest about our plan to destroy the moon. I didn't even know those mud-covered treehugging savages could write, but I'll read off of the document they sent: "The decision to destroy any part of nature, be it the lowly ant or the mighty oak, must always be carefully weighed. This responsibility and caution is the price of power, whether that power be divine, mundane, or arcane. When a forest is leveled so that man can erect a city, it is always a tragedy, but sometimes it is a grimly necessary one, only if the benefits outweigh the costs. We druids cannot imagine anything worth destroying the moon for, but if there is such a benefit that justifies throwing all of the ocean's waves into eternal chaos, certainly it would not be so that a guild of insane wizards can vivisect werewolves to see how their internal organs work without having to worry about impromptu transformations because they lose track of the time."

Obviously the druids have no idea how important our werewolf vivisection work is, but the political ramifications of this protest are significant. What should we do?

Demand the druids submit a tithe from among their number to be transformed into werewolves. Also a second tithe, magically muted to assist in containing the specimens

Tell the paladins that they're hiding holy relics or something. Then we can drop the moon on both of them at once!

We just simulate a moon during the interim. Gravity spells, false light, and so on.

Or just put out a time stop, excluding everything within the boundaries of the Guild's halls. They can't transform if the moon's phases and positions don't change.

Or, just phase the test laboratories onto another plane, where there is no lunar cycle.

>Cost: destroys moon, wrecks tides, may change calendars
>Benefits: pisses off druids

Seems like a favorable trade to me.

Use a mass illusion to make the moon continue to appear in place and simply carry out the project in secret. What are they going to do, put it back together?

Though comforting to the masses, moonlight will not be enough to satisfy the concerns regarding the tides.

What these ignorant druids lack to have researched, is that the absence of the moon brings only superfluous effects that harms very little, and benefits all the more. The waves aren't even controlled by the moon! That's just a myth concocted by those who are mentally impaired, or rather the plain ignorant, in an attempt to justify what they don't know. The real cause of the waves from my own patented research that have I labored over for many years, is that the waves could either be caused by unknown beings in the unexplored oceans, or represent the few mass rift between this plane and others!

The waves themselves function as a visible wavelength, that somewhat attune us with other realms. The speed and height correlate with the moon, sure, however it is not a causation. The waves pick up show that we're the closest to a realm in that cycle, and with future experiments we could even communicate with them far more reliably.

Now...uh...about the moon. I request that we take samples of the moon before we destroy it. To preserve of course. And tell those druids that the moon, an object not native to this world is not apart of nature. It's otherworldly at best, and that all claims of it being able to control the waves are simply myths spread about by the magically impaired populace.

I propose that we carry out the plan to destroy the moon anyway, and let the debris form a ring around the world, creating an eternal state of full moon. Who cares about tree-huggers anyway.
I second Prof. Flamel () and our kind anonymous brethen () on the projection of an illusory moon.
This will allow us to determine whether lycanthropism is truly tied to the fases of the moon or is merely psycosomatic.
As for Prof. Flamel's concerns about the tides, (), I believe we can control the tides with gravity spells.
Some may acuse us of hubris, but the destruction of the moon will advance the reserch of many of our colleagues.

Perhaps we could replace the moon? I think it would be within the budget to make one out of paper mache.

An illusion would be cheaper and instantaneous, but it would consume a lot of magic power. And let's not get into the payment of the mages which would keep the illusion up 24/7.
A papier-maché moon would be slow to build and we would have to pay the laborers and the materials...
Maybe we should use an illusion to hide the paper moon while we build it?
Would druids be a good source of [s]slave[/s] cheap labor?

Excellent idea! And paper mache doesn't take a lot of brain power to make, so the druids will be well suited to it. It's just a question of how to get them into space and keeping them alive once they are there.

What was the consensus on the nature of space, already? My lycanthropy research has me a little behind times in astrology and astronomy.
If it's luminiferous aether, we could adapt a waterbreathing spell to the aetheric medium rather than the aquatic one. I'm rusty on that matter.

My esteemed peers, we can circumvent any need for magical adaptations by simply reanimating their corpses. As everyone knows, the undead need not breath. This could also solve our dilemma of labour, as the walking dead require no food nor compensation, so long as the axiom of mental obliteration is properly applied.

And they don't rot in vacuum. Not sure about whether flesh rots in luminiferous aether. Anyone care to enlighten me on the nature of space?

Who are the biggest dicks, elves or wizards?

Elven wizards, my friend.

Since when has the mages guild ever given consideration as to what other organizations think of it?

Gnome Warlocks are a whole degree worse than either of those

Does such a thing exist?

*cough*

Fools-Fools! We kneel to no weak-stupid druid-thing!

Our full might-power will smash the moon, and don't worry! Thanks to our spell-spell, we will smash the stone-rock exactly on their faces!

Now, would you kindly-gently pass me that delectable green stone-rock?

You do know by decree of the King, we aren't allowed to stock Warp stone anymore? Not since the Back scratching incident.

>Peeks in
Have never zeen meeting before! Hello!

Are liches allowed on this council? I really need friends.

They let me in. Probably!

*Comes through doors, looking like he's been hit by fire, smells slightly of singed pork*

Sorry I'm late, you wouldn't believe how difficult Aether manipulation has seemed to be for me lately.
...
What'd I miss?

I don't believe I've seen you around before. Who are you?
We've had inanimate objects become headmaster in the past, a Lich is hardly out of the ordinary here.
Nothing of note. Why do you smell of bacon?

... I may, OR MAY NOT, have tried to trans-locate part of my breakfast. On that note, did you know there's a plane of Hell-pigs? Well, actually I'm unsure what to call them, but they taste like cinnimon sugar rub bacon once they thaw back up. Oh, that's right. They also seem to be weak to cold. *Sits down on the side. "

Hell-pigs? Im unaware such things existed. Hell-Boars sure, but pigs seems like someone was high on Dust when creating said plane.

Speaking of, do any of you happen to know of an Oinkbane? Last I've heard of him, he was in the region.

Am kobold.

Kobold mage! Totally. Yez. Am not in dizguize.

You realize what I am right? I can see right through our disguise. It's fine, no need to hide it, we have enough wackos here as is.

Oinkbane? No, not really. I have yet to hear anything about him since the Loin-in-ing. How are we supposed to say that, anyway...

Well, Anywho... I've made great strides in my Gravo-centric theory! I managed to temporarily halt the tides in Dravenport! I had to explain why the fishers couldn't get back to port for the day, but I found some interesting effects on the Mea carmina scribendi pila simulatione!

It was almost as if thousands of things were trying to enact a force on it! I'll be busy with it for a while, of course, but the results could be fantastic!

...Pleaze don't.

Do it.
Nobody down here cares about the moon and druids are pathetic excuses for wizards.
I will pay you in skulls.

... Moon?

Rolled 17 (1d20)

*casts dispel*

>Is literally just a kobold wearing a robe

Well now, you aren't a mage at all are you? You realize that impersonating a spellcaster is a misdemeanor, no?

Can cazt spellz though!

Am... Artificer!

>Liches actually remain specialist wizards whilst removing their prohibited schools because all time in the world
>Liches get Lich-unique spells
>Liches get Salient abilities gained by age
>Liches get Lich Artifacts only they can make
>Liches get Power Rituals AKA what Vecna and Accerak used to win entire conquests, become gods, and gain control of sigil, if however breif
>Lich get's stronger the older it gets, though in longer term than a vampire would have to wait
>Demiliches can fuck with the weather and cause a natural disaster, make 100 clones of themselves pre-ascention and can contact any evil outsider

>If you research or develop a spell for so long and get engrossed in it, A god of magic may approve of you and turn you into a Lich so you don't die during the work process, and you don't even notice it when it happens, and the prime material plane becomes your fucking phylactery/you regenerate from it, or the item you are working with becomes a temporary phylactery of sorts

Seeing as Mystra let Sammaster develop Dracolichdom, I can see why they let this shit pass.

So if I set up a Contingency to go off if these conditions are met, I can become an Archlich? I'd need a Noble spell to research and develop, any ideas? Not planning on Demilichdom, that route is always evil, and I'd rather be left alone to give back to the world in my Dead years. I think I need a Nymph who can supply me information on the subject, I already know about evil outsiders using mass acts of evil as a coverup to rake in bonus profit from the unlearned and unfaithful of good to justify the means to Lichdom (see Devils use of limited wish), but something tells me that if I go about Lichdom this way, I won't have to bust in every necromancer Operation there is just to get a tidbit of information that I might have to cross-reference to check if it's disinfo or cult garbage, and it sounds a lot safer, but I'd need to attract deific attention beforehand.

Ah, then, I am glad to see you! Enchanting has always been a weak spot for me, I would really appreciate it (with gold) if you could enchant me a club that I could use against creatures of the three-point-five-th dimension, damn things have been leaking into my basement ever since I opened my portal to the Plane of Lonely Single Mothers, and the damn things have gone through two Housecarls already.

...

Have you tried... Clozing portal?

But I need an extradimensional portal going so I can dispose of the eldritch waste one of my other portals generates.

Then cloze all portalz!

I told you this would come back to bite us. Seriously, werewolves are marginally superior to humans most of the time, rabid furries three nights a month - what benefit could we possibly derive from this study that we couldn't get any other way?

I am all for expanding the frontiers of knowledge, but destroying the moon is a massive investment of effort for little potential gain and possibly great loss.

We don't even have a preliminary study on what the effects of the loss of such a significant celestial body will have on the astral matrices we use!

Sloppy, gentlemen, sloppy!

What if, we burn their forests and freeze their corpses?

Weĺl, we can always make a new one

Ahem, I believe you mean we should immolate their forests and glaciate their corpses, yes?

WHAT ARE THESE NAMBY-PAMBIES ALLOWING THEMSELVES?
While we, the MIGHTIEST minds of our times, are flexing our brain MUSCLES lifting weight of knowledge higher and HIGHER, these flower loving HIPPIES are trying to CRAMP glorious body of Progress? I tell you what, Archwizard – we'll CRUSH all the HEAVINESS of the moon on their weak wimpy necks and get back to more important business!

wizards?

Esteemed colleague, control your students. I would hate to have a repeat of the last time one of them spoke out of turn.
Master Lamanth, and... little creature. Need I remind you WHY we are here? Our research is jeopardized by, as the acclaimed Gaston Van IronGroin put it, 'Namby-pambies'.

I for one would propose the creation of a dedicated committee to curb the power of non-guild affiliated spellcasters, including these druids, as well as the priests of the temple and their paladins! Too long has progress been impeded by the small-minded!

Yez, yez, make zure only zpellcazterz who can take jobz muzt be hired through guild!

...

...

Did you know Beholders can only spellcast as equivalent wizards by putting out their anti-magic eyes and designating each one for each level of spell they can cast? I.E remove antimagic for cantrips, petrification for 1st level spells and so on

I think I may have discovered a workaround to Mystra's ban!

...

Brother, could we not set our various golems upon them? I have an abomination made from chimpanzees, wyvern phallus, and giant squids that i have been dying to see in action. Or we could crash the moon on top of them as previously suggested and i could create us a new replacement out of bear bladders and various sea creatures

Sooo essentially you want to crest a Spellbreaker gestapo? Need I remind you that I'm technically under oath from the king to report if you guys start overstepping your bounds...

Ah what the hell. I haven't taught the arts in a while. Where do we start?

I suggest a more subtle approach. Also this golem sounds extremely dangerous, as well as heretical. I really would not like to have to report to the church as well as the king after all this is done.

I assure you brother, the first thing i did was convert it to national religion, i believe its now a certified cleric, though it does have a habit of of lifting the skirts of the nuns.

Actually, your mention of subtlety has given me an idea, the druids have a perchance for beastiality, do they not? Why dont we create a fleets of golems that look exactly like deer but have serrated teeth in the vagina? Then we can just set them loose on the druids and let their disgusting habbits be their downfall

Does that ever result in...unfortunate incidents?
Instead of serated teeth, as that would probably result in some lawsuits, I could enchant the beasts with a mana-sapping ruin the upon coppulation saps the Druids magical abilities. It's cleaner, and results in less, well, blood and crimes against nature.

There have been a few instancesof a mature nature, but the nuns haven't complained, and I've even heard that the bishop likes to watch.
And i would suggest enchanting the faux deers so they stay glued to the Druids after copulation as a bonus insult to injury

The bishop watches? Oh Armara.

Anyway, now all we need is deer to enchant. Or whatever animal druids like to molest in their spare time that's prominent this season.

Why don't we just take the moon, and push it somewhere else.

Probably wolvez.

Thats a horrible stereotype, also tags not it!

That didn't work so well last time
Who here has experiences in dealing with wolves?

Considering we used to have 2 moons. Gerald gets so over zealous some times...

Oh, oh, Dickwolves, I've made Dickwolves before, does that count?

Can we get them without the human dick? Just semi-normal looking would work.

Wait, don't we have a few Druid members in the guild?

>the ghostly girl blinks at the words spoken from the document

So then to quell their squabbles, we need only a reason for the moon to be destroyed that suits their sense of justification?

Perhaps we could suck the Bards College on them. Surely, they are with no shortage of bad poetry about the moon.

This man has the proper idea, time cures all wounds and aids in all efforts. We should stop time and move the moon as our research requires!

Forgot my official hat.

While a meeting is still being held, I would like to discuss funding for my latest TIME PROJECT. Specifically that of small-scale time manipulation given to commoners. I would like to start by giving each member of a small village access to a device capable of stopping time for 30 seconds total and observe the effects - however I need funding for materials and access to enchanters to craft these devices.

Um. Wow. You know, I don't think that's such a good idea. I propose a better option would be to stop time for people one at a time and observe the results. That should result in a much more controlled and observable study.

I think I have an ideal replacement for the moon. Recently I was educating some of my students on how not to heal something, and while my magic was infusing an open wound, they decided to pay a little "joke" upon me, and pumped theirs into the wound as well. So, ah, in short, the patient is dead,or at least I think he is. We assume he turned into the giant tumorous mass of cancer cells currently lounging about.
Maybe could accelerate it's growth?
I just need this thing to be gone, the local villagers don't like it and that's interfering with how much I can charge them for appointments. Gotta get paid somehow.

No bards, sister. Anyone who's power comes from music should never be trusted.

Have you tried the necromancer's guild? That sounds like quite a bit of usable flesh.

We're not trusting them, though. Well, we're trusting them to be bad enough that no the druids give up on the moon

Howabout a cross between a wolf, beetle, and snake that spits acid?

I'll take it, its prime material for my golems

No, no hybrids! The Druids can tell if something is messed with. Remember, they're hippies, genetically modified anything is a big no no.
I'd say the bards are a good shot. They're not as harmful as half the magical organizations out there these days. I know the Guild master if we need to get in contacts with them.

Please don't do that Eric. That sounds awfully like grounds for being put in Magical prison. Trust me, you don't want to end up there mate. Take this from someone who's worked at Red Keep for 3 years.

Ah, good idea, my fair specter.
You have yourself a deal, lich. Though, in return, if you find any death blossom flowers near your corpses, could you deliver those to me? Speeding up their growth rate gives the toxins a little more...kick, and the people will pay dearly for it. I'll even split the profit 60/40.

Haha, red keep is a wonderful place, i used to be the grand torturer there 50 years back, the empire now sells me the corpse lefts overs from time to time, not very good quality but good enough.
A shame, perhaps we can just kill the druids, poison their well or unlease some sort of summon or altered beast upon them? Or just simply jave the pyromancers burn down their grove?

I love the cut of you jib, sir, you've made this undead dog very happy.

Marvelous, my necromantic canine companion. If I ever have any excess flesh lying around (and trust me, I will), you'll be the first to know. Should be getting a dragonbone shipment, too.

I'm sure the master has more than a few would-be poets writing limericks about the moon to spare.

I li... I'm glad to help.

I feel like there is some irony in killing the druids for a better cause, but I can't place my finger on it.

Still, probably not a good idea. They'd probably just reincarnate themselves into something else, likely more bothersome.

Well, as long as it doesn't spread among the Kingdoms taxpaying populace, then I say go for it.

>i used to be the grand torturer there 50 years back, the empire now sells me the corpse lefts overs from time to time, not very good quality but good enough

It's somewhat different when you're on the giving and not the receiving end of the inmates. Having to deal with the attempted magical prolapse of your anus is only endearing the first 3 times, afterwards you come to hold the position with contempt. The Beholder inmates were the worst in this regard.
Well, the thing is, he can't exactly...speak. He had his vocal cords torn out a decade ago. He speaks through interpretative dance.

My word, its been a mans age since i chewed on a good dragons bone! I think it was last lunar eclipse, when we were dealling with those bothersome thunder trplls from the plane of shadow. I think i still have some of their souls lying around. Regardless i will pay you top price for a juicy draconic femur.
Ah, but thats when we trap their souls for a few years just to teach them a lesson. Worked wonders on the dark lord who insulted my wife at the time. Calling her bit, why the nerve of it.

If he's headmaster, then his dances must be adequate.

I suppose that's true. That's still delaying what is a potential problem, though

Consider it a deal, partner. Do you prefer bone, or would you rather me resurrect this beast?
It would be of no danger, my garden naturally grows dragonbane, thankfully.

Just the bones,
Ive been working growing dragons from the cellular level in my lab, so all I'd need is some dry marrow inside to test it
Hmm thats true... we could always depower them and sell them to the orks or dark elves, i hear they are always after good breading stock

That doesn't solve the issue of needing them to agree or justify destroying the moon, which I think was the major issue at hand.

Well, im fresh out ideas then, sister, seems theres no way to persuade those goat fuckers.

I'm just tossing out counter points because they wouldn't be welcoming of my presence.

I could make you a flesh suit

If you feel like it committing some "unlawful acts" for me, I could put your spirit into a dead body. Or even your own corpse, if you still have it.

I'll pass, though I'm sure it'd be lovely.

Funny thing that. I'm not sure if I even have one of my own. Frankly, the druids might be even more upset about a spirit inside the wrong body than a spirit without one at all.