Memorable player quotes:

>How much xp is worth a ladder?

>"So we're all in agreement? The plan is to stop mom from being a slut?"

>Nothing in this thread will be real Jim.

>I don't know where to start digging info. Let's summon the Devil to ask him what's going on here.

>i fuck it with my penis LMAO xdDp

shut up

Gentlemen, we must remove the moon.

>>Thats it im turning you all to corn

>>I am Dryst the Marquis of Iscalio and Earl of Sigil Keep. Return to the Hell that spawned you pathetic underling and remember that name.

>>I have a plan but it involves setting you all on fire

>>Hurry the fuck up and set us on fire god damn it!

>>Your name is inconsequential? I think ill just call you Sen instead

>>No.Vengeance is petty and doesnt advance any of my plans. Ive learned to never give in to such selfish desires

>>>I have a plan but it involves setting you all on fire
Context?

>you know, i wouldnt trust myself either to not be a doppelgänger

To an undead Bretonnian knight telling the party how he was cursed:

>"...I guess that makes you a Grail Wight!"

>Alright, friends; I bring you to the wonderful tavern of... uh... mack d'nalds!

Context is definitely needed, considering the rest of the party was BEGGING to be immolated of their own free will.

>"When you shoot somebody, make a point."

...

>"How!!! you were dead!"

>"yes I was"

>Rex, stop your goddamn dance session, you're going to attract more werewolves.

basicly everything is gachimuchi and metal gear rising quotes, but instead with angels, demons, undeads and some unfortunate humans as player characters

>I am the long Beyblade of God, death and destruction incarnate

It reminds me of scene from Babylon 5:
youtu.be/M5FZhyULRis?t=2m46s

Quote is supposed to start at 2:45.

>PC told she was lied to, that magical item wasn't magical.

"Note to self, kill merchant"

>Fuck rescuing Ted, we have pancakes to make!

>"FOR THE MOUSE GUARD!"
>"What he said."
>"Ditto."

Less than 5 minutes into a one-shot "3:16 Carnage amongst stars game"
>"So we're going to frag the lieutenant as soon as we get planetside right sarge?"
>"Abso-fucking-lutely we're going to fucking kill the lieutenant the minute we get planetside, Corporal. Fucking teach him to put us in the first wave."

"I've just decapitated something evil. Could you come and tell me what it was?"

"You're a druid? I thought you were my animal companion."

"What do I roll to teach the monkey how to fly the plane?"

"I killed a werewolf with my hands. I must be made of silver."

You're the thief! How did you forget lockpicks?!

We are up against a small army of Shadows that is murdering the party through Str damage by sheer numbers. Im the FiendLock and I can only think of one way of saving everyone else ebfore they all get drained to 0 Str and die in the next round or two

Even then it was a fucking crapshoot because they get Fire Resistance.If I didnt have max Cha and a +2 Pact Keeper rod to ensure 20 some odd Shadows failed their save we would have had a bunch of singed but functional Shadows and a TPK

Player A to player B:"I've been in a minor car accident"
Player B to player A (while watching the CNN coverage of the disaster): "A 'minor' car accident?"

>user, this is affecting my MARRIAGE!
And so, I kicked him and his wife from the game.

>double dubs, nice get.

I'm sure context would make things more clear-cut, but if your marriage can't handle a TTRPG, you have deeper problems.

Also, pulling that on you is kinda shitty, and you don't want that kind of attitude in your group.

Text games are great fun to read over long after they've ended.

>Shadowrun 3rd ed
"Obviously nothing short of a major nuclear disaster would cover this shit up. Now help me with the C4, again, we only have 14 kg so we gotta make it count."

>we went back in time for a cabbage?

Vampires aren't, strictly speaking, alive, so they should be valid targets for Matter magic, right?

>All right gang, whatsay we breakdance our way up that tree and punch this bitch in her stupid face?

"I done shitted!"
>The party's highest intelligence character after encountering their first ghost.

>You lover is a whore! A whore! [Entire party begins chanting "Whore!"]

Chanting "whore" has become our war chant because of this. It makes no fucking sense, but I love it.

From a thread last week
>Who gets robbed? You do! Loser

>"It's a new character, new opportunities, and new chances to make new awful decisions."

Said by me after another PC died due to making poor decisions, then made another poor decision as soon as their new PC joined up.

No, no. That is the right image.

>shhhhhh! There's a monster in here
Said the lizardman sneaking into the orphanage, in fairness the monster was werewolves but that kid had no reason to belive him

My charecter is a dwarf named gorin murderbeard.

here are some quotes my team and i made.

>>toward an orc: KEEP YER FUCKING TONE YOU RAPE BABY , i see that you can take the orc out of the many arrows but you cant take the many arrows out of the orc!!! aint that right YOU TUSK FACED NIGGER!!!!!! (fight begins)

>>get yer paws off me you damn dirty orc!!!
>>towards an elf: ceace yer yammering you lilly livered fuckboy !! keep it like that and im gonna break yer limbs and just like a snake yell be crawling in yer own shit!!!!!

>>towards a drow: aww is someones upset because the piddly widdly elves forced their entire race underground? yer like a shitty version of a dwarf with no alcohol retention or usefull skills OH wait your a drow!!

>>pff fucking INKIES

>>you bunch of cave dwelling spider idoling boot licking servants of a low rate demigod ptfff!!!

towards another dwarf:

>>you beardless fuck.
one guy at our party called me gorin MCfuckmywifebeard.

"Orkses and units have always been da best or enemies! :D" [Rouge traders pet weird boy attempting to negotiate alliance with orks to protect beer producing Argo world from nids]

>fuck it, I Skin myself

>I help

Underage b&

>That bastard technomancer stole our noodle wand!

>Sorry, I'm filled with explosives.

In response to "hey man, you want a smoke?" while waiting for the bus.

Another one: she was playing a mage in a desert country where magic is outlawed. She needed sand to cast spells (somatic components) and so was just shoveling sand into her pouch. She was caught by the city guards, who asked "hey, why are you taking sand from the ground?".
>It uh... reminds me of home?

so racist jokes are suddenly indicate that im underage?

the whole concept is a hypocritical racist dwarf.

youtube.com/watch?v=dWVaDxMTBEU

We need to cover this up, who's got drugs!?

Low hanging fruit of calling an orc a tusked nigger indicates your underage. Grow up, if you base a character around hypocritical insults, at least learn how to make good hypocritical insults.

thats just the noticeable ones, mostly hes a caricaturistic dwarf which isnt that well noticeable.

and im far older then you think you arrogant cunt.

please then, shere with us your comedy gold.

> In a sentence that I'm sure my parents would be proud to hear me say, put the dick box on my cockroach back so I may present it to my robot friend.
>My name's Get, as in get all that porn in the furnace.

>Sniff sniff. It smells like an asshole in here. Oh wait, it's you!

>you can't pull a HANDBRAKE ON A SPACESHIP

I found this incredibly amusing, for some reason

no? because since I'm not an autist I understand that the in game comedy of joking around with my friends does not translate, and what is comedy gold at the table is, in fact, barely a joke elsewhere.

but maybe don't spend 50 syllables on your pre-ass kicking one liner?

There's a regenerating weasel in one of my online games (it sort of doesn't even make sense in context). prompting this exchange:
>"He's been wasted more often than a bonus action."
>"For the record, that has me dying."
>"But not as much as the weasel."

That one with the snake lel.

I guess the orc line is more funny for your own party some here are pretty buthurt from that sort of stuff.
Probably because it reminds you of ravandils quest.

>>youtu.be/KjHclWPVij0

>yeah, I'm not gonna go down to certain death on Armageddon. I'm gonna chill here in the bathtub on the bridge

>ALLAHU ACKBAR!

My sorcerer right before rolling his flaming sphere into himself and the Leader of the group of Mercenaries sent after our party. Only had 2 HP left, luckily enough the Flaming Sphere did enough to knock out the Assassin Leader too.

im pretty sure tusk faced nigger is quite the common phrase , atleast where im from .

theres why shittier lines here then those i just mentioned , why not criticize them for being "that guy".

>"Wha- did you just decapitate that guy? I just wanted to knock him out, not kill the poor bastard!"
>"The law is swift and sure, and he got no less than he deserved. Though I admit, I would have rather he got what he deserved from a headsman rather than from me. Besides, chopping through his neck probably blunted my staff."

way## im typing from my phone so it tend to keep auto correct me.

also it should be mentioned that your humor is probably vastly different then the one in my country.

We have a character in our group whose name is something lizardy that no one can pronounce properly. Since it starts with an M sound the party agree to just call him anything that started with Mc (Mcmillian, Mcneil, etc)

At one point some object gets taken from an npc in this town, and we start to ask questions about it to figure out what exactly it is we're dealing with. Turns out, the person doesn't actually know, he just knows it's been around forever and is apparently wicked important.

Our paladin then immediately blurts out IC (we use different voices for IC and OOC), "That sounds like a McGuffin!"

Our rogue looks around the table, before his eyes settle on the paladin and says "Your eyes alright, mate? Liz is standin' right there."

It's not really that funny, but the Paladin didn't mean to say his part in character, so no one expected the rogue player to retort so appropriately

lost on the beeardless fuck, the rest is boring

...

>Wait! Don't bite me! I've got Ebola!

Fucking Vampires being immune to disease

This sure is a quality thread of people commenting on everyone's stories.

Also this

>I will fuck my way out of this hospital

>Excuse me Mr. Cactus, but...CHOO CHOO MOTHERBUGGER

I had hoped for more people explaining or asking context too alas, everyone wants to be heard, no one wants to listen

When puchasing drugs at the local drug shop:

>How much should I buy? It's my first time trying this kind of thing.
>>That depends on how often you intend to smoke, as well as your tolerance. Since you're new to this kind of thing, you'll want to start off small.
>Well...How many grams per smoke would you reccomend?

We had to stop for a few minutes after that to let the laughter die down as well as give a small lecture on weed.

I have a hard time believing these.

user: Marriage Counselor

Much like others in this thread, I'd like some context to these. Particularly the weasel and the explosives.

Welcome to the Internet sonny, enjoy your stay.

>No. We're burning the town to the ground, and that'll be the end of it.

Well were they?

Noodle Wand user here.

So we found a magic wand, but none of us could roll high enough to discern its use.

A player jokingly said, "It makes delicious noodles!"

We loved the idea of a portable food source, so we ran with it, even starting a noodle shop in town.

A technomancer comes to town and tells us its real function: a wand of technomancy.

We told the DM that the mage was confused. We waved the wand and perfect fettucini came out.

The DM said, "Are you sure? Technomancy would help." We nodded and he agreed to the wand's noodle power.

Later, said technomancer stole the wand as it was unique. We fired a harpoon through his leg and drug him back to town.

We beat him half-to-death, healed him, and repeated the process. We ended up knocking his teeth out and making him out slave.

It should be easy to figure out the context on this one. Godlike DM.

>The chunk of steel, propelled by the lives of a hundred meaningless souls, rips past you at seventeen times the speed of sound, a small cloud of brilliantly purple plasma suffusing the air with a magenta glow. Soon afterward, the bodies of the dozens of peasants unfortunate enough to be in the front of the line rocket past, shrapnel in human form. One strikes Branwood in the head, sending pieces of kender skull and fragments of human bone shooting into the middle of the marching elven formation. Blood prays as who chunks of flesh are torn free from under steel plate and chainmail, becoming more and more lethal shrapnel faster than even the keenest eye could discern... Dillon, roll up a new character. Next time don't interrupt me while I'm describing the scene.

> he said something that triggers me therefore he must be immature or stupid

cry more you fucking nigger

Lizard guy here, so we had gotten back in town and rescued some missing children, even a bonus kid nobody new was missing, later we get reports of monsters killing people with one sighted near an orphanage, unsure how to approche I end up sneaking in, to our clerics confusion, his ooc line being "why did we send the fucking dinosaur on a stealth mission!?"

Anyway I hear something, unsure what I hide in a closet, it's opened up by a kid and I utter my line, comically unaware of the irony of a lizardman saying this after being found in a dark place by a kid

>"I swing my lasso menacingly"

After discovering that the undead mindflayer had transformed itself into a Braineater Dragon:
"Hey, so I don't want to get too deep into the lore in the middle of combat, but WHAT THE FUCK."

"Jesus Christ Exalted 3 is unplayable garbage!"

In character this autist said "I transform into a bird"

The regenerating weasel is an odd creature that always comes back after being killed- but it can be killed by basically anything, having only one hit point.
The wizard took a fondness to it and the DM has fun killing it off in as many different ways as possible.
It has been
>Stomped by a horse
>Crushed by a wagon wheel
>Cut in half by a farmer
>Incinerated by a fire trap
>Eaten by a wyvern
>Clawed by a werewolf
And always comes back anywhere from a day to a few hours later.

>tusk nigger