Greentext thread? Greentext thread

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yeah but did he get that assignment done on time tho

he had the blessing of the machine god, what do you think
no because finishing things is heresy

Not strictly Veeky Forums, but I'm pretty sure this is how quests begin.

Wait, does lordship work that way? Holy fuck! My family owns a castle and town in Germany, I could theoretically make someone a lord!

... I'd have to get that castle and town back from the German government first, but that's beside the point.

Actually... I'm Jewish... and they pay Jews to live in Germany... could I use that as leverage in my claim? I must consider this.

Here's a pretty fresh one that made me giggle.

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No, you also need royal heritage

And not just the whole "everyone in Europe is Charlemagne's descendant" type of royal heritage

Literally, yes, I'm royalty. That's what I meant by "my family owns a castle and town".

If I clean your castle and suck your dick i get some minor title of nobility?

I do not have a dick, desperate sir, but I will consider your claim nonethless.
lol no

Different user here. Suppose I were to marry off one of my family members to one of yours.

My siblings are all married but I've got some cousins and nephews.

Not the other dude, but how about name-dropping said town/castle so I can Google Earth it and wish I too could be denied my offers for oral in exchange for land and title.

Fuck that guy. You don't have a dick? That's cool. I'll suck it anyway. I'll throat fuck that puppy into existence. I'll tongue it so hard, it'll permanently smell like my minty breath. It's gonna have a fucking summer home in my esophagus. It's gonna happen so hard, it'll. Wanna keep it forever? Bam, done. Just more dick sucking required. No nonsense.
Fuck those other dick suckers. They couldn't sip milk through a straw. I can take in a two-liter bottle no problem.

do you have big khazar milkers
this is important

end ur sad life my man

Schaffhausen, and I guess it's technically in SWITZERLAND not Germany.

If my grandmother is to be believed (she was obsessed with geneology and studied it very thoroughly) then my current family are the most "direct" descendants after the Holocaust happened. My father would own it, being the second son, as the first son of our family took his wife's name which invalidates him. So that's my father, myself, then my sister, in that order.
I will not marry you, user, but good try.

You earned a mighty kek from me user.

>the Holocaust happened

This the one? Looks nice.

That would be the one!

No, no, I'm not marrying you. But I have younger family members I could probably pressure into marrying you if you can do some waiting. I'm the cool aunt. Why even bother getting them board games and super soakers if I can't marry them off to a stranger for political expediency?

>""""girl""""
>holohoax
>switzerland
>jew owned castle that has been public property for centuries
translate.google.com/translate?hl=en&sl=auto&tl=en&u=https://de.wikipedia.org/wiki/Munot

1/10

Fuck you in particular. I'll suck your dick DRY, muchacho. I'll drain so much of your precious bodily fluids, you'll wanna start WWIII. I'll put my FINGER in your PENIS and you'll enjoy it. I'm a goddamn professional. I'm gonna use Drain Life on your fucking turtlenecked pope. I'll cause infertility. You swine. You fucking scum.

How about your sister then? Would that make me like a count or something?

Hell if I know, but she's taken so good luck.

Nothing wrong with some good ol regicide.

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That's maybe not a precedent you wanna set.

Do you have a Von in your surname?

Anyways British titles are different. For one thing a Lordship isn't inheritable. It's more like appointing someone as a manager of your land.

I don't a Von in my name, no. And British titles are quite different from other places in Europe, if I recall correctly.

Owning Schaffhausen is more like being in charge of a canton (like a county or a state) than just the castle itself, though, so that would probably be harder to get than I thought. I can always bring it up to the government, it couldn't hurt. Who knows, I may even be able to get my hands on it, I know I can at least prove my ancestry with legal documents.

>femanon gasping for attention in Veeky Forums

Colour me surprised.

Here's that (You) you wanted.

holy fuck, my sides.

mmm salty

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No salt, only kek.

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another classic.

Such sweet justice

>And not just the whole "everyone in Europe is Charlemagne's descendant" type of royal heritage
Huh. I know exactly how my lineage can be traced back to ol' Charlie but I guess I'm not special there. Ah well.

Does anyone have the one about the paladin who roleplays a lawful good character with ideals perfectly? All I remember is he gives one of his magic items to the party rogue to repay him for doing the right thing and not the profitable one.

I offer this paladin in return.

I decided I might as well throw in a few of the other greentexts I have since that one is more of just a writefag.

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Here's another paladin. Still not the one I'm looking for though.

In spite of any made up bullshit this story entails it really makes me happy to read it every time.

a classic

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I'm sure it's a reference to something but I have no idea of what it is

Outlaw Star, its the anime from the pic. Kind of old now, but a decent series. And that catgirl hits all my fetish buttons.

I love this story

>AND MY TAX
I'm fucking dead

We all know, but we choose to believe.
Just let it be user.

What about second bailout?

>Not using Chaos to bring back your computer.
>Not making a nurgelite abomination of code and steel.

I made a consolidated screencap a while back

And that was clearly not it.

Reminder that Eisen did nothing to deserve this shit.

This post made me laugh so hard that I actually teared up. Holy shit.

This is a particularly shitty screencap thread.

Excellent contribution.

I'm with this user, if anyone believes that story, i have a bridge to sell.

Polite sage for non-contributing.

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At least you're related to Charile. My lineage comes from nobility that help William beat the shit of out the Anglo's, and then about 100 some odd years latter they get exiled and all nobility stripped.

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Anyone have the greentext about statting Theodore Roosevelt?

>playing in a Marvel-universe campaign
>players are shield agents in a post-avengers world
(Marvel Cinematic universe)
>since we're the cloak and dagger type, my character has a job he can actually tell people about
>the extra money doesn't hurt because our unit has a budget
>so my character has a side gig as a bounty hunter that handles supernatural type bounties

>Bounty comes up
>Some unnaturally burly dude has been going to bars, getting tanked, starting fights, and usually kills his opponent before fucking off
>The Russian mob in the city, big proponents of logic and reason under the influence, decide this needs to stop
>That their customers, mooks, and extortion targets are among the dead surely have nothing to do with this public service they want done
>Capture or Kill is the bounty, full reward either way
>Get a decent description from a few bartenders upset about the bloodshed
>Get a phone number from a half drunk girl in one of the bars
>She has understandable reservations about booty calling a half-ton drunken murderer
>"He's pretty hot though, aside from the drunken murderer thing"
>Bring this info back to my fellow shield agents
>Agent Sunshine offers to honeypot the guy
>So she calls him, slurs something about getting his number in a bar a few days ago, and gets his address for an ostensible hook-up
At this point, I would like to note that an unknown biological agent was released into the facility we all used to work at. Said agent apparently activated dormant mutations in certain personnel. Our team is composed of the agents with stable, beneficial, and controllable mutations. Agent Sunshine has human-torch like powers of "being on fire without dying". This will become important later.
>So the team gears up because A) the money is good enough to split and B) we have a super strong dude that likes to beat people to death
>Sunshine gets buzzed in to the dude's apartment building
>The rest of us sneak in behind her
(Cont.)

>We agreed earlier that Sunshine would get the guy drunk for easier subdual, relying on a mutant boosted liver to out drink the guy and give us the go word to breach
>So the team waits around the corner and Sunshine gets invited in
>An hour passes while we listen to flirting over comms
>Sunshine mutters "he's not getting drunk faster than me, plan b" at hour 2
>Whatsplanb.png
>Hear drunken kissing and a zipper
Oh, this is not a very good idea.
>We reposition and stack up on the apartment door
>Hear mattress springs
>Look at each other awkwardly
>Suddenly hear the roar of flames and guttural screaming
>Kick the door
>Sunshine standing there, wrapped in a sheet
>Meanwhile a gigantic burly dude is rolling around on fire
>He is unhappy about this
>A neighbor bangs in the wall and tells "SHUT THE FUCK UP"
>Someone grabs a fire extinguisher from the hall and puts the guy out
>mfw he stands up and starts going after Sunshine
>Pull my sidearm and put two in his head
>He drops
>Starts getting back up
>Shit shit shit
>Empty the rest of my mag
>Thoroughly dead guy, destroyed apartment smells like smoke and booze
>...
>Call client, explain situation, send picture of the guy's face
>"We come and clean, money in your account. Pleasure to be doing business with you."
>We 360 and go back to base
>Sitting around the conference room quietly
>Sunshine breaks the silence
>"Anyone got a craving for barbecue?"

I chuckled. Nice.

>running players through a homebrew I made.
>2 players have minor experience
>3 players have never played before
>Starts out normal, barbarian, fighter, druid, rogue, ranger.
>the new dwarf Dwarf barbarian player decides he wants to roleplay a dwarf the only way he thinks you can...By selling his starting armor and buying a bunch of wineskins filled with ale.
>Starts out normal, they listen to the king, the dwarf drinks 5 wineskins and asks how much booze the quest reward can get them.
>Leave the city, and enter the magical tower which appeared a century ago
>Walk in, noticing walls covered in suits of armor.
>Immediately knocks them all over, then noticed a door that was locked.
>Party rolls strength, rogue gets a 7, bounces off
>Druid wildshapes into a horse and kicks the door down
>The room was full of gnolls.
>large fight begins, dwarf decides to drink ale as his action, ignores the 3 gnolls swinging st him.
>Gnolls keep missing the drunk dwarf.
>Battle rages on, rogue misses sneak attack, druid misses attack, ranger misses, gnolls miss, everyone missing.
>Realize that nobody has managed to roll a 15 on either side.
>Finally after numerous rolls most the gnolls lie dead
>Dwarf player drinks his 17th wineskin since the battle started around....36 seconds ago
>Decide the dwarf is about to spew
>Dwarf player looks at me
>Grabs his dice
>"I roll to puke the last gnolls to death"
>New player, wants to have fun, and I figured OK, dwarf ale vomit is probably pretty caustic.
>Rolls a 20 to hit
>Bullshit some numbers decide it's probably a 10ft range vomit, 2d6+con mod for damage.
>Deals 14 damage to the last nearly dead gnolls
>"The last gnolls shrieks as a barrage of burning fluid mixed with rabbit bones and alcohol Sears his skin, he falls in a heap from the attack, all but melted from the stomach acid."

Everyone's having fun and I would be lying if I wasn't glad the new players wanted to keep playing.

Good one from a few days back

Homebrew campaign .

Not a Homebrewed game with rules and stuff

I want a quick chuckle not a fucking novel user

its worth the read provided you have an attention span longer than the average american schoolchild

This. Spiderwoods is a really good read, though I'm not a fan how the writefag changes his style from post to post. Also, english is obviously his second language.

That's fucking magnificent user. I like having new players do wacky shit before serious shit personally.

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>I will not marry you, user, but good try.
How about some headpats, booze and verbal abuse?

>descendant of boyar family of crazy patriotic nutjobs that spent half the war fighting with nazis
>and the other half fighting against them
>would-be heir of moderately-sized township
>Bolsheviks confiscated & burned all evidence of previous ownership

>headpats, booze and verbal abuse
if anons not into it i am

Back to /pol/, my swarthy friend, back to /pol/.

>playin' 5E homebrew
>I roll a punch wizard knock off
>punch wizard is actually a wrestling wizard
>only spell is enlarge, plus a couple cantrips
>always go by my stage name, Magic Man
>proceed to wrestle everything into submission using my arcane might
>elbow drop an ogre cheiftain to death from atop a guard tower
>dominate an underground wrestling federation
>flex food into the hands of the needy
>nothing could stop me
>party decides to accept a job from the town guard
>there be monsters in these sewers
>we proceed to clear skellies and other misfits from these fine sewers
>then I met him, Sandy Ravage, wrestler extraordinaire, followed by his wrestling diva sidekick, Succu-Bitch
>immediately, I knew it was fate
>I tell the rest of the party plus the guardsmen who were helping us to stand down
>we wrastle, one on two, no magic, no weapons
>we trade blows, but I barely manage to overpower them both thanks to the cheers of my guardsmen fans
>Ravage couldn't stand to lose though
>he proceeds to pull some knuckles from his tights, and sucher punches me square in the jaw
>it's treason, then
>I recover, we lock hands, and then I unleash the lightning
>Ravage flees, half burnt to a crisp
>I start after him, but Succu-Bitch slashes my back using her bitch-nails
>angry, and with 1 hp remaining, I close in and manage to hoist her above my head, ready to unleash the greatest backbreaker I can muster
>something ain't right though
>Ravage was a right cunt, but Succu-Bitch had the spirit of a wrastler
>I roll charisma to convince Succu-Bitch to change her ways and wrestle for the forces of good
>nat 20
>Succu-Bitch, seeing the error of her ways, and agrees to join the party as my wrestling partner
>everyone else is worried about having a latex wearing succubus in a mask following us around, but I've seen her true spirit
>everything proceeds as usual, except now Succu-Bitch drops me from the sky so I can unleash the ultimate elbow drops on my foes

WWEizard

Why would you have waifu if you have a girlfriend? why would you put you're waifu on the path of the murderhobos and not have a contingency teleport ready, or give her really overpowered artefacts?
I call bullshit.

Kek, I hadn't read that one yet. Doesn't get posted a lot.

Kek, that was a pretty good read. What thread was that?

>the ultimate tg yugioh experience 2.png
>2
Where's "1"?

Open your eyes

Ah, yes, that helped a lot.

You'd be surprised how often I end up posting on Veeky Forums with my eyes closed. Terrible habit.