Moments the DM Gave You the Middle Finger

I was the only female character, so possibly. Fighting evil with her tits and bush out because a fairly common occurrence

Sounds like you're just being a fag. There plenty of things you could've done in that situation.

Five ranks in Profession: Siege Engineer and 7 ranks in Carpentry. I WILL BUILD A FUCKING CATAPULT AND LAUNCH OUR LOOT HOME, BITCH!

I conjure 37d6 HD1/4 creatures.

>i don't think magic can defy physics
whew lad
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Unless you have another spell that keeps it all from spilling over the sides, it aint gonna hold all of it. Hell, if there are literally HILLS of gold and diamonds, you're gonna need more than a disk that can hold 2,000 lb's. You're gonna need closer to like, 50 floating disks.

Thats a fucking easy one, you keep one party member at the vault while the rest takes back what they can, buy a caravan and pay a few guards to help you haul what you can back to the town.

Making sure of course to offer generous hand outs to the villages

>offer generous handouts to the villages nearby
>local lord takes notice of all the villagers flaunting their wealth
>wonders where they get it
>hears about a few out-siders who have been roaming around and going in and out of the towns
>hires someone to find out what happens
>finds out about your stockpile
>comes in with a small army to claim it in the name of the Kingdom

I play a sniper who dresses like a hooker because nobody looks twice and messes with the gal who just wants to support her kid.

A few runs have ended up with her with her bush out constantly because business came up while she was turning a trick.

>her bush out constantly

Mmmm.....What color hair she got?

Kind of a cool idea. A hooker can go pretty much anywhere in a city without much attention (apart from the cops i guess)

My poor wizard girl, who started out the naive scholarly spectacled type, has been stripped in battle like two or three times, was once attacked while she was bathing and spent the rest of the entire night's story naked, soapy tits and all, and once had to use her bush as a spell component (Hag specifically requested freshly harvested red human pubic hair, go figure)

At least its all in game this is happening. Right. Right?

Gonna be a lot of pissed off peasants though once the generous heros are assaulted by the nobility.

Had a min-campaign based on this concept, robbing a massive dwarf bank Oceans 11 style.

The first half of it was just taking the effort to get enough Portable Holes to handle that much gold. Then it was just the time shoveling it into the holes.

By setting up shop right here and building a new kingdom on these ruins.

any good stories about your girl?

...Does raise dead and golem-crafting skills create this?
If so, get it to swallow the gold and keep it inside of its empty stomach cavity.
Sew up the end first, like a purse.

D&Dragon age user here.
>Fail spell casting of any kind, you get possessed.
>Become too sinful, said sin possesses.
>Act emotionally empty.
>Party tranquilises wizard because of fear of magic anyway.

What's stopping you from making 50?

It's not like we're in a hurry, and the spell doesn't disallow making multiple ones at the same time.

No, the real "fuck you" is:
>All the treasure causes hyperinflation to the point you need to trade 100 diamonds for a loaf of bread

I'm pretty sure you've entered the piss forest.

Fuck off with this fetish shit nobody cares, this isn't your personal ERP chat room

That's a real quick way to make an enemy for the PC's. Good or evil mean nothing when you mess with the PC's shit.

of course you let nobody know just how much money you have, dummy

Aren't 1500 pounds of gold enough to make you rich? And you can always return for more.

That isn't how hyper inflation works, it's much less pervasive in currency that has a backing. Also diamonds in particular have a card coded value in dnd.

A better argument to make is this haul would potential lead to a momentary lapse in the meaning of death in the local region. As now every dirt farmer can afford the material cost necessary to bring back the dead. Loved ones generations over brought back in the res rush. Soon there are too many people for the local economy to support, available currency or not. Bla bla bla you get the point.

>Two months later the entire kingdom has been destroyed

>What's stopping you from making 50?
Spell slots.
>the spell doesn't disallow making multiple ones at the same time.
Yes it does, for a single casting. You'd need to cast it multiple times to get multiple disks.

So you pack it with the diamonds instead.

>Trying to take loot from adventurers.

>>*DM clears throat* "How..."
Okay, so. We've cleared the dungeon, right? Right. So, we lock the door again, then we send someone back to town to get some hirelings, a bunch of wagons, and a load of wheelbarrows. Then we start having the hirelings haul all this crap out, using some of it to pay them.
Once we're sure we're going to get it all out, we start negotiations with local nobility. We have all this money, so we're going to fucking spend it. We want to buy a castle, and set up in it.

Or, even better, this crap is ours now. We don't need to fucking secure it anywhere else, do we? This dungeon is ours now. It's fucking OURS. We set up the traps again, only keyed so they don't set off on us. We take what we can for supplies and new weapons and armour, and a bag of holding so we can carry more at once. Then we set ourselves up as a kingdom, tearing the surrounding forest down to start farms so we can have our own peasantry, and a couple of minor nobles to manage everything. Soon enough, we won't need to spend the initial hoard to keep it running.

How on Earth is that giving you a middle finger? Just take as much as you can carry and come back for more if you need more. You'll still be filthy rich.

>AD&D Fighter reaches level 9

Exactly. We have won. We now need to manage our changed priorities.

Reminds me of the ending of the Dead Money DLC from New Vegas.

It happened to Spain with all the gold and silver from the Americas.

Yeah, it could be worse.
What looks like gold and gems could really be rust monster eggs.

It's been done.

So what you're saying is get nude, grab literally everything. Clench your butt so you can hold the last bar, and waddle to freedom?

And a treasure haul is going to compete with a continent now?

We are talking about the wealth of an entire kingdom, here.

Not that user, but it could indeed compete. Probably. Or maybe it couldn't.

The problem is that all the gold mined in the real world could fit into a twenty metre cube. Hoards larger than that are common in fantasy- pic related would absolutely tank the price of gold if it existed IRL. If the gold in OP's setting is similar to IRL, and "hills upon hills of gold, silver, and diamond" isn't a hyperbole, then gold would indeed become worth vastly less. Alternately maybe this is merely the latest in a seres of massive hoards, so it just makes them rich and has little effect on the value of gold.

A vague and useless term. Look at how several of the major wars in Europe were funded during the middle ages. Many of them left kingdoms in debt several times over their yearly revenue. Funded through loans, promises of a cut of the land/stuff taken in victory (looters shares were a great way to not actually pay your soldiers from your own pocket), and calling in those feudal privileges on the nobility to cough up money.

And that's assuming you think the entirety of a kingdom's coffers are in this room, from every single noble house in that kingdom. All at once.

>then gold would indeed become worth vastly less.
It would already be worth vastly less at that point anyway, not like throwing another pile into things is going to dilute it much further.

Black hair.
True enough, the only place things get rough is in the downtown areas where cops arrest people for not having real SINs.
At one point after pulling a party package, she got an emergency call involving one of the other players and the yakuza. Since she was actually in yak territory, she grabbed her sword and commlink, and rolled her lifestyle; turns out some assclown stole all her clothes but left her money.

Cue fighting six yakuza entirely naked, dribbling all the while.

>How
Have a wizard construct a demiplane with enough room to hold all your wealth. This can be subcontracted if party wizard is not up to it.
Next buy a scroll of Gate and a lot of scrolls of Tenser's Floating Disk. Create the disks, load them up with loot. Cast the Gate to connect the vault with your demiplane. Have all the disks follow you through the gate. The disks have a duration of one hour, which likely isn't enough to shovel all the gold onto them. So you may need to repeat this process multiple times.
You can optionally create a minor artefact gold pouch connected to the hoard in your demiplane. Though remember to be able to sever its connection with your demiplane if it ends up stolen somehow.
You now have all your money in a reasonably secure location, with an easy way to access it remotely. It's time to start part two of my^Wour^Wyour plan: investing this wealth so it can generate even more wealth.

>Have a wizard construct a demiplane with enough room to hold all your wealth. This can be subcontracted if party wizard is not up to it.
>Trusting a wizard that can cast demiplane
>Trusting a wizard
Yeah... No.

Reminds me of a situation in Beyond Divinity. A daemon offers you a reward of "more gold than you can carry" for performing a task.

The reward is a cabin sized chunk of gold wedged halfway into the ground.

>how do I carried treasure?!?111
>muh horses can't fit in a dungeon!!

Behold! The humble mule-drawn cart is your chariot to ultimate wealth! Up to 1900 pounds of treasure hauled for the low, low price of 23 gold pieces (plus 1.5 gold monthly feed costs).

Even should the beast perish, your fighter can pull it in its place. A paladin's steed can do the same thing. Also remember to pack spare wheels and tools to fix your wagon in case part of it breaks.

Does it come with a StairMaster?

haha loser, my party has a bag of holding, a portable hole, and a demiplane inside of a cart
we'd have that gold and laugh all the way to the bank

>Hiring a wizard to put away your mountains of gold for you
And that's how you lost your entire fortune to a wizard.

I send a letter to the most powerful dragon I know whose general sense of morality aligns with my own, and bequeath half the treasure hoard to it.
I now have someone to guard my half of the treasure, and a powerful ally to call upon when I need it.

>stairs
Affix a big long plank under the cart so it kind of slides up the stairs like a sled, or put an actual sled under it. Mule might not like that, but it's a solution.

To make things easier, we could do that, but also move the mule all the way up the stairs first and attach it to the cart/sleigh with long ropes. That would let it pull the cart without being on the stairs itself.

>tfw solving problems like a tool-using human

Why not just put rails in, and make it a minecart?
You can use mules or horses or hirelings or whatever to haul the carts with a pulley system,.
Or even sink a shaft down to the hoard and pull it out straight. That allows you to use a shaft too steep for a mule, so you save on digging.
Use a windlass, and add a ratchet so loaded carts can't slide backwards and drag the mule team backwards down the shaft.

I'll have to keep this stuff in mind for when my PCs can afford that kind of infrastructure to empty dungeons. Which will probably be the moment the GM tries to get cute with a massive hoard that he thinks we can't move.

>add a ratchet so loaded carts can't slide backwards
This is amazing. Definitely going to add this to my carts.

In AD&D1e 1lb of gold = 10 pieces

So you aren't that rich

>It's an OP isn't as clever as he thinks he is thread

Animate objects
now the treasure is also your bodyguard/army

These guys got the right idea. You make the dungeon the vault for your newfound kingdom, slowly building around it until you have constructed the skeleton of a castle or fortress and continue building from there. First you build the walls, hire a few guards and mercenaries from the local nearby towns. After that, you find someone you can trust and like to become a mayor and start building a new settlement nearby your town so you can trade with later on.

>Spell slots.
Wand w/ 50 charges
>Yes it does, for a single casting. You'd need to cast it multiple times to get multiple disks.
See above

Of course you can afford it; the dungeon is full of gold!

You need settlements right away, to feed the workers. Importing food can't work long-term, you have to have your own fields to grow wheat for flour and beer.

Just start a fucking empire with your un-movable loot. You don't even need to move it all at once; just enough at once to make payroll. Then once you've gotten economic inertia, payroll will make itself with the taxes you're skimming off the trading, and DungeonTown will be self-sustaining without needing to be funded.
And then you can start growing the hoard again.

Just in case you're wondering where you got the wand from, the party wizard can craft one using the gold of an entire nation.
If he doesn't have craft wand, all wizards have scribe scrolls by default and so he just writes two books worth of scrolls and uses it to bring the money with him back to a town or whatever.

At this point I just build a city state around the vault and the dungeon using the wealth.

exactly where did you get the notion that all the Gold ever mined could fit in a 60' * 60' * 60' cube? Fort Knox and the Federal Reserve in NYC hold more gold than that my friend..

Not in a cube like that, though. Gold is HEAVY. You have to stack gold bars in certain ways, or they crush the pallet they're sat on, and then the floor.

Wow good thing no one plays that incredibly outdated system except you user!

bbc.com/news/magazine-21969100

It's debatable but note that most gold bars and coins are not 100% gold anyways, so there is a lot of leeway when it comes to "hoard of coins the size of a mountain".

this guy's level of "he's right you know" are off the charts

You said 20 meter cube that's exactly 20 meters dipshit, all the Gold currently mined some estimate anywhere from a minimum of 15000 to 2.5 million tons neither of which could not fit in that space no matter how you stacked it.
I was literally looking at that article, it doesn't say anything about a 20 meter cube

>You said 20 meter cube that's exactly 20 meters dipshit, all the Gold currently mined some estimate anywhere from a minimum of 15000 to 2.5 million tons neither of which could not fit in that space no matter how you stacked it.
Triggered much?

Guys, the DM wasn't asking "how" as in "how is it possible that you carry the treasure?", he was asking "how" as in "precisely what part of the treasure do you touch first and in what way?"
This is like when a DM asks "how do you open the door?", because there's a wrong way to do it.

A 20 meter cube is 8000 cubic meters.

Density of gold is 19320 kg per cubic meter.

That gives us 154560 tons of gold. That's close to the lowest estimate.

The highest estimates of gold mined through history is about 180000 tons, so it would be a roughly 23-25 meter cube of solid gold.

No, you fucking savage.

You behead Elijah and carry the bars in his corpse.

Nah, just pointing out that he said an inaccurate thing to make himself seem smarter.
So he was mistaken either way, because most of that 180000 tons of gold is still in use.

You just need to go kill the Economancer to fix the inflation.

25 meter cube of solid gold is still less than you'd expect, and definitely less than "hills of gold" which kinda was the original point.

>His character doesn't shave down there

That is true, but there is an estimate in there for 2.56 million tons which would be more like it, and what does it matter in a fantasy realm anyway?

>Good or evil mean nothing when you mess with the PC's shit.
Yes, let's get AnCap as fuck with this. that's a sure road to fun!

Bush is awesome. What are you gay? or do you just like your women to look like little girls? If so you're a fucking freak.

no

>bush
>good
Next you'll be extolling the virtues of hairy armpits.

Using D&D Third Edition's rate of 50 coins weighing a pound (because I can't remember offhand what more recent editions did), 1,500 pounds of gold coins is 75,000gp.

Well, I wouldn't say it's very appealing but, I have hairy armpits why would I bother my girl about it?

Reactivate all the traps, then send the party face out to greet the lord. Explain what this place is, and whos it was, then claim that a prophecy from THE god(s) said only the true heir could reclaim the power of the family line.

Then try to forment a civilwar by claiming ancestry and depose the king/lord as a userper and murderer of your family line, and thus an enemyvof the state since he deposed thhe true rulers.

If he denies that story its perfect because you claim that "of course he would say that, he knows hes a crook

If he abdicates then its the worst because now you have a very powerfull and politically astute noble with which to begin building a royal court

Either way the noble ends up dead so that for... reasons

>GM presents me with a ghost gun during the first session
>As in, a gun haunted by a ghost
>It automatically reloads, has homing bullets
>"Okay, but what's the catch? This is kind of suspicious"
>The moment you touch this gun, you can't use any other ranged weapon ever
>"Yeah, no thanks, I'd rather not be dependent on a single weapon, especially one that's haunted"
>The gun flies into my character's hands

"I can still use my hands to strangle you, GM. Are. You. Sure. You. Want. To. Do. This."

Oh boy do I have a story for this

>Be playing Jacob's Tower in Pathfinder
>Run by former player who's totally new to GMing
>Has the mentality of "It's fun if it's unfair and players die"
>Doesn't bother to learn rules properly
>We do fairly well because we do know the rules well and how to make good characters
>GM gets rattled because there has never been a TPK and maybe 3 people have died in 11 levels
>Gets mad at me (the cleric) for doing my job well and healing/removing status effects all the time
>Railroads us through whole module, kills all the gods (for some reason), acts like its out fault
>Nerfs Cleric spells (reduction in damage dice, DCs and spells per day and all enemies have spell resistance to divine spells)
>Be at level 11
>All DCs in level are 35+
>Monsters crit every round
>Most have DR or some horrible curse attached to them
>I am a cleric so I can keep buffing and healing, we survive till the boss
>Boss uses magical darkness aura
>Counter using intensified daylight spell at CL 6th, doesn't work
>Use true sight on Rogue, Barbarian and myself, stay outside to try to not get killed and throw buffs/healing
>Boss ignores the rogue and barbarian fighting her, stretches her neck 40ft out the door and casts feeblemind on me
>Roll 36 on will save
>GM says I failed, Int and Cha are now 1, can't cast
>Rogue is almost dead
>Half the party can't enter the room
>Almost everyone has a curse that will permanently silence them after 4 rounds of Cha damage
>I am now a potato
>Realize I can still use domain powers to buff my damage and make my weapon holy
>Run in to defend my friends
>Swing bastard sword with the retard strength of 1000 suns a couple times
>We kill the boss pretty quickly
>GM salty as fuck, instead of giving us downtime or any time to rest, forces us into next level
>Thinks he will get a TPK because potato cleric cannot heal
>Forgets he gave us a divine salve that essentially serves as a Heal spell to heal me
>He was salty as fuck

>Pathfinder
Not. Even. Once!

It's by far the worst system to start a new GM on to boot. Especially one that doesn't want to read the goddamn rules

Shadowrun

That's fair, but at least with Shadowrun you can't play at all if you don't read the rules rather than you break it if you don't read the rules