MAGES GUILD

Why do these threads always pop up on my busy days?

"Serious issues in the west?" Since when are issues ever serious there?

Define Eldritch, please, while I take notes on the meeting.
I could check the archives, milord, if it pleases you?
That said, what would the actual issue beLord Bloodaxe?
Would it care for some tea?

I bet it's because of their new tyrant warlord.

OH, YES, that is it! Most likely... I should think. Uh what was the name of this warlord again?

Yes.
Oh, it's that bastard who I got into a drunk magical knife fight at that tavern... never mind. I must discuss the threat which I had described earlier.

Yes. Now
>Pulls out papers
>Rings magical-dragon bell
Ah, Yes. Please, quiet. I have come to tell you about... this. I was in the badlands, killing off filthy succubi for a client. But, you know about how daemons are revelant in the region... Well... Gloosucri is... back. He is raising a dark army to take back the world, and consume us all.

Ah, alright then, now we are getting somewhere, now for the record, is that figuratively or literally consumed?

THIS IS SERIOUS! HE WILL KILL US ALL! DURING THE FIRST TIMES, WHEN MEN, DWARVES, AND ELVES FIRST AROSE, WE FOUGHT A WAR, AND HE IS TERRIBLE! HE WILL KILL US ALL! IF WE DO NOT FIGHT, WE WILL ALL DIE! DIE!

YES! HE WILL TAKE OUR SOULS, AND WE WILL BE SLOWLY CONSUMED FOR A ETERNITY! I HAVE SEEN IT! THE END IS NIGH, UNLESS WE DO SOMETHING TO STOP IT!

Oh come now, you're being hysterical. No point in acting so hastily when we could just banish it again.

No point in checking the archives, we both know you won't find anything of note.

You're going to scare the apprentices if you keep this up, you know.

Oh. Sorry. I... The Dwarves have endured a lot, and he is very, very strong. So far... Agathar has fallen.

So, Agathar has fallen, and we have a dark army to deal with, along with this... Glue-curry, you called him? Sounds simple, we'll need forty scrolls of lightbursting, a dragon's baculum, and a gemstone large enough to hold an entire dwarf-king inside.

This belongs on .

Hey, sorry I'm late, my alarm didnt go off. You know how it is. Did I miss anything important?

Well we have your basic "Dark Lord" to deal with, a semi-hysteric survivor, and as per usual, someone clogged the toilets or something.

Agathar?! Already?! Gods preserve us, milord were there any survivors?

Gods preserve us.

No.

We're the ones preserving things tonight, firegut! We need to get on making something to fix the problem fast.
I had a vacation home in Agathar, so I'd appreciate it if we hurried.

you know what would solve all three of those problems? timestop into maximized delayed fireball

Yes. Currently Niamar and Ozoth are under siege, and Moros, the easternmost dwarf settlement has shut all its doors and is rapidly building up defenses. Milord, shall we attack. The dwarvish guilds have aided us, and so have the men. The elves are waiting.

just summon some demons to do it for us, 20 odd balors should help

I still like my plan with the baculum and the scrolls. We never make a decent portal into a dimension made of pure light anymore.

(Gulp) Very well milords, we are faced with a problem of epic proportions, and we must meet it head on. [strike]So shall I call a plumber?[/strike] Shall I call on our allies in the area - warriors ought to be called up for a war, even if this IS the MAGES Guilds.

Yes. As a emissary of the Dwarvish people, we are in debt to the guild. A 50,000 army and 20,000 honor guard force, armed with magicians and mechanics, are heading there. WE expect to make short work of them, especially with the Dragonpowder-fueled Splatter cannon.

>Dragonpowder-fueled Splatter cannon.
is that what he ended up calling the dragonspunk cannon?

Hahah
>Grabs hand around mage
No! He... was high designing it on Heroflower.

I'll make the damn thing myself, then.
>He huffs and adjusts his gigantic hat, walking into another room, grumbling.
Got the scrolls, got the baculum, need to get a gemstone.

I'm sure I could find one, in the Archives, the Gemology Department is proficient in collecting a wide selection, have you any preference, your Eclecticness?

Big is the only requirement, though the colors yellow and sky-blue would be appreciated.

Oh, an easy task Milord! I'll go scour our jewel pantry! (Exits)

Thank you, firegut.
>Meanwhile, in the other room, he starts grinding up scrolls with a mortar and pestle.

I have returned milord! And I think that I have just the thing! Flint! Come in! (A golem of yellow crystal, duck underneath the doorway as it enters the room)

SIR! INCOMING!
>A dark bastion appears above the base. The Dark Lord and his forces decend
ATTACK! BATTLE STATIONS!

(Horrified at the scandal) WHAT?! I thought the guild was charmed against attack!

Could I have a description of the bastion and forces for the meeting minutes, please?

>He brought it over to one rather large, bone-white obelisk in the center of the room, which he had been covering with paste made of scrolls. He pointed to the tip.
Up there, big guy. This ought to make a wand of lightbursting large enough to make a portal into a realm of nothing but light.

If you're going to do die in battle, please do so near a Necromancer guild representative.

Oh great, first time I leave the cellars in Months, and there's some generic evil overlord bullshit going down. And we're disorganized, as usual. What's this guys deal, and will he try to ban drinking, like those assholes did that one time?

It is but the truth is if somebody wants to get in badly enough they can regardless of defenses.

This is generally great advice, however this time I have a batch or resurrection potions available for anyone who needs them. They will be delivered and administered in the typical fashion.

Stop dumping your potion waste into the river. It's doing weird things to the fish.

??? Waste? I don't make waste every thing I make is either an end product or a recent and I make sure not products are wasted. You are probably looking for someone else.

Actually, that would be me. Not every experiment with magic booze is going to have a positive outcome.

Now, how are we going to deal with the task at hand? Because I don't think booze is going to help here, especially if the undead are involved.

Perhaps we ought to planeshift the academy for the time being. There's a suitable cliff for our tower in the elemental planes of fire...

Why do I keep you around again? Oh yeah your beer is very good. *Auto-magical defenses have been set to anti-demon* all practicers of demon magic are advised to not cast that type of spell, also tieflings should leave as they will be targeted by the defenses.

For the record I feel like we're too caught up in the murdering and devouring that the Dark Lord does. We're starting to become narrow minded people who only pay attention to one issue and ignore all the positives. Like all the tax breaks on magical research he plans to instate.

I say, I don't think I've seen you around before! What is your field of study?

Actually, yes I do believe you are new here. That said, welcome! Care for some tea?

Demon-err Dimonology! Yes, the study of light magic and how it affects our surroundings and not demons. Unless of course it's how demons react to light magic, which is actually a large portion of what it is. As for you recognizing me, I get that a lot. I just have one of those faces I suppose.

I used to have a mustache maybe that's it?

I'd love some tea, as long as it's not elven.

Let the record show that proceedings have been paused for the customary tea break. We will resume discussing the current attack on the tower after the traditional biscuits.

Tea is fine and all, but aren't new guys supposed to get hazed? I've got this great new stuff, brewed with water from a sacred spring. It's great, perfect for gauging a new guy. We'll need the rod of paddlings, too.

Now, as for those biscuits, have you got any with honey?

The tea break is not taken if the guild is under attack. Instead we go to battle/prepare for battle.

We're not barbarians, surely we have time for a tea break. I'm sure the tower will still be under siege in five minutes.

>He walks back in, carrying an oddly shaped magical wand, made from the baculum of a dragon covered in paste made from 40 scrolls of lightbursting, and one large, yellow gem golem. How he can carry this, nobody knows.
Is it tea-time already?

Well, I don't know about that... let us consult the Regulations.

>Summons a huge book and starts leafing through it. An apprentice runs up and relays a message while he carefully picks through the index.

Oh, really? Goodness. It seems the Dark Lord's minions are ransacking the Library East Wing in search of something. This is intolerable and I put forward a vote to shorten the tea break and resume discussions on this matter.

Oh come now, there's nothing like a bit of tea to calm oneself in such situations. I would ask if anyone wants biscuits, but I think they got to the kitchen.

Gods have mercy on their souls if they open the broom closet on the... I think it was the third floor? Probably third floor.

Wait, what's in the broom closet on the third floor?!

Well, once upon a time I made some kind of monstrosity out of tapioca pudding, some general magical items I can't remember, and at least three "Summon Water Elemental" scrolls. I feel like there might've also been an imp and a cat involved. Long story short, I had to carve a cork to fit the keyhole and had to water/airproof the door on the fly.

The same thing happened to me the first time I made a booze ooze. Note to the new guy, if you're in the cellars, the dwarf runes for KEEP OOT are NOT to be ignored.

Other than the library thing, they haven't really done much destroying for an evil army. Some semblance of normalcy will let our enemies know they have not cowed us. Now, I think I remember where the rod of paddling was last seen. Stay where you are, new guy!

... Oh I see! In that case I just remembered something! Er... I left the oven on in the kitchen. Since we obviously can't have a magical towerfire on our hands I better turn it off!

>He runs off in the exact opposite direction of the kitchen.

Fools! We can have as long of a tea break as we desire if we just use chronomancy!

Also, please lift the ban on chronomancy.

Increased taxes for the ownership of familiars!

They just grow so fast, you know?

Ah, that Edward Deathskull, what a fine young fellow, going to turn off the oven. Just what this place needs-- young blood!

Where's he off to so fast? I never even found the damn rod.

You get privileges back as soon as ye tell me what happened to my brother, Darius. Geomancy hasn't been the same without him hawking the materials he gets from the plane of elemental earth, and I'm running out of excuses for his wife on why he hasn't written.

No, Chronomancy is hard banned. It is way too dangerous and easy to mess up everything, end of discussion.

Anyone have any luck with anthropomorphizing female cats? I've tried everything I can think of, but it seems that the girls reach "bipedal feline" and then switch immediately to "human with yellow eyes." Obviously, I need something in-between.

Have you tried taking out 25% of the words in the incantation?

What happened to Darius? I have no idea! Why would his sudden disappearance have anything to do with me?
>nervous laugh

As if alchemy is any safer!
I know you haven't forgotten about the Sea of Slime! That incident won't be forgotten for a few centuries! I would know, I've been to the future where it is finally forgotten!

First thing I tried. God knows I didn't mean to hurt the poor thing, but hurt the poor thing I did, and quite spectacularly to boot. I've considered repurposing the effect of one-quarter of a cat gumming up the internal organs as an offensive spell, but that will have to wait until I've completed my current project.

Have you tried it, but at 75% the speed?

Don't encourage him! Cats are cunning, dangerous things. Had to leave my last home when the population just randomly exploded.

Aye, alchemy has had it's share of incidents. The Sea of Slime, the potion of genderbending, that thing with the pink mist, that time they ruined the economy with that 'lead into gold" fiasco. But every time you guys so much as fart, people disappear, reappear, cease having ever been, and make it impossible to keep track of the plot. I get headaches just thinking about what you could be cooking up.

Human female with yellow eyes, 33% more time spent to make her. What I really need to do is ask one of our Necromancer colleagues to help me, but the whole skulls-and-blood thing they have going on is psyching me out. Maybe I'll ask Edwin. He seems like a completely trustworthy scholar.

Sorry for popping out, but I've just reduced the dark lord to a one dimensional speck. Any ideas on how we should store him? I think the speck may still be sentient...

Eat him. Eeaatt hhiimm. E e e a a a t t t h h h i i i m m m. Or better yet, give him to one of my girls to eat.

That barrel of sacred brew I mentioned earlier might work. Brewed in holy water, sealed up tight, and if he does escape, he'll be easy enough to deal with blitzed off his gourd. Any idea what his minions took from the library?

Have you tried simply creating a crossbreed between man and cat? You would certainly get more stable results, if you could accept the longer amount of time it would take to produce such a species.
Of course, if I could practice my craft, we could have an entire army and/or harem of them by now.

Time Chamber. Definitely a Time Chamber.
Please, it's one of the few things I'm allowed to even do anymore!

Damn it, then I pulled the baculum out of a dragon for nothing. I suppose we could frame him in a picture, and hang him in the trophy room.

Oh, let him have his fun. He's trying to make cat women, not cats. Otherwise he's destroying cats.

1.) Most necromancers do that to spook people, just talk to them.
2.) NO EATING DARK LORDS, WE KNOW THIS ONLY ENDS IN POSSESSION.

Ingestion would be... Unadvisable.

Plus, one dimensional specks are hard to find... Now where did I put him...

If I can find him I'd be happy to restore him to three dimensions... Drat...

No idea.
>slowly begins to shuffle away

A-also the Dark lord's men are no longer an issue...
T-the kitchen monster got to them...
My various gods did it get to them! Their bones were made of tapioca, their MINDS were made of tapioca and yet somehow they were still alive. In an unending hell of mediocre desert ingredient filled agony.

>He points at the Chronomancer
Dogpile him, he has the speck!

Well, on the bright side, now the only issue is a monster I know how to deal with.

I'm not trying to make catwomen, and I resent the implication! I am merely attempting to advance our current understanding of the dichotomy of corporeal zoologic carnality and ethereal homogeneous sustentation and, by extension, our own natures!

Damn! Well let me drink my seeking potion, oh and I'll need more of these made, I'm always losing things...
>Drinks potion

The lead to gold fiasco was actually a scam. The creation of potions of gender bending unavoidable situation as soon many Alchemists are into that kind of stuff, however, I have put screening measures in place for all alchemy applicants and we have not had one such potion made since the incident you are likely refering to. The slime incident was a result of a failed attempt to blow up the guild by an outsider. The pink mist yeah that would be the fault of an accident and it was contained decently well.

Don't be ridiculous, once my seeking potion takes affect I'll be able to see just where it is... Let's not point fingers at our esteemed colleagues.

>The potion begins taking effect

Fools! I wield the power of time itself!
>disappears with a flash and re-appears seconds later
I guess I am a bit out of practice.