Magic Story Thread: Nutty Nubian Edition

magic.wizards.com/en/articles/archive/magic-story/writing-wall-2017-04-12

Todays Stories introduced another Nubian in the Egyptian plain. Because why would we want Egyptians in the Egyptian setting. Also Chandra and Nissa go on another adventure.

>Chandra
>Nissa
stopped reading right there. If any kind user can summarize what can be gleaned from the story, i would the thankful

so there were nubians
and they didn't realise at first
but their ancestors were of royal blood

Amonkhet talked to Nissa, said it had something stolen from its tombs
Nissa and Chandra met Hapatra, she's bad at jokes
Very few people on Amonkhet appear to be over 30 years old
Old sarcophagi imply there were eight gods
Nissa concludes Bolas turned up, killed everyone and added himself to Amonkhet's culture
Oketra is aware of a change but can't recall what happened
Gideon is doing the trials and has already completed Oketra's
Next week, Nissa and Chandra go to wise ol' Kefnet to ask about the before times

Oh, also Bolas comes home in two days. Look busy.

so this is were Nissa learns to use blue mana?

And once again, every character talks like they're in the 21st century (with Chandra talking like she was born in the 21st century).

Wonderful.

at very least, there were no shitty first-person pespectives

I liked it. Also, the fact that the gods had their memory wiped proves that they're legit good

THREE
H OTHER
R T GODS
E H O
E E D
_ R S

Man, Chandra really wants to get in Nissa's pants.

friendzonedagain.jpg

>Amonkhet is an old woman who was wounded by Bolas' dark magic
What would each plane look like anthropomorphized?
and inb4 >furfag, anthropomorphic means humanlike

something like the soul cards from Magic 2015?

So what kind of Macguffin are they going to get to beat Bolas? Ancient sarcophagus? A pharaoh's crook? Oketra's panties?

Yeah, but more like "embodiments".

Specifically Ravnica, Shandalar and Theros

...

Perhaps they steal his Gem of Becoming and try to destroy it in the place where it was forged

>yfw they were the Eldrazi Titans

>Ajani "elected" not to go to Amonkhet because if he did then everyone would think he was Oketra's midget husband

Gideon is already looking up to that

>Yfw Tamiyo gets off on tales of Ajani's giantess fetish.

So in other words this is the egyptian episode from Futurama?

>Bolas presses his face into some hieroglyphics, becomes god-Pharoah
>hey Liliana, you know what's the worst part of the trials? They make you work real hard and then they kill you
>Gideon that's the only part of the trials

>Bolas' statue just shouts "REMEMBER ME" as it shoots fire from it's mouth

>Amonkhet was a matriarchal society that lived in peace
>Bolas represents the patriarchy that reduces everything to value

>The giant bolas horns you see in the full art lands are just fuckhuge statues of bolas buried under the sand

>Bolas wiped the memory of the god
>there're 3 other gods
>gideon became a religious nut
>nissa has her tummy hurt
>jace needs his coffe
>chandra is autistic

>mfw the Gatewatch faces a Bolasbot during Hours of Devastation

>It's not Liliana's zombie

>Inside the statue is a Casino

None I think. The setup in today's story hint at a "find-out-what-bolas-did-to-the-plane-and-then-rally-the-rebels" kind of story. Kaladesh 2 Bolas Boogaloo actually.

And I doubt they'll actually defeat Bolas. It'll probably be more like;

>Bolas shows up
>Hours go down
>Gatewatch powered native rebellion go
>Bolas be like "Oh crap. Fan5stic stumbled upon and recked insidious plan nr. 365b. Oh well."
>"I'll make this look good and bugger of to the actually important projects. This was just a routine checkup anyways."

I want a mardu one.

Shit that's god-tier

Ravinca would be a mild age man with some gray hair,but very young and vibrant looking, think Younger Ral with a huge coat with a mix of all the guild colors.

Zendikar would be a thicc busty light tan skin Amazonian women.

Innistrad would be a 30 something handsome man with pale skin and tentacles coming out his left hand.

Kaladesh would look like Saheeli.

New Phyrexia would look like Atraxa.

Tarkir would look like an old dragon

>bolas coins in slot machines
>bolas as the king in poker

>nissa has her tummy hurt
At this point Nissa is the only one I care about, mostly because she isn't human. Why does her tummy hurt?

Because Amonkhet is a rotting corpse and she's the only one who can smell it.

>Bolas as every face card

She hasn't eaten her daily dose of leaves or whatever elves eat.

>Queen: Liliana
>Jack: Gideon
>Ace: Jace
>Jokers: Nissa and Chandra

>you can win a trip to Bolasland, a bolas theme park

King: Bolas
Queen: Liliana
Jack: Jace
Red Ace: Chandra
Black Ace: Nissa
Joker: Agani
This IS Bolas we're talking about.

No shit they wouldn't remember.
All Bolas has to do is touch them and they forget everything.

So is Bolas playing surgeon and trying to revive it, or is her just picking out little pieces here and there?

>bolas made the amonkethian slaves only to build the most amazing amusement park in the whole multiverse
>Bolas World

Bolas is the one who killed it.

>Story is called "The Writing on the Wall"
>A mystery is solved by looking at the literal writing on the wall

Brilliant WotC. Truly masterful subtlety.

>When you're trying to get your pussy ate but the hot elf piece with the huge joragas you've chosen is so autistic she struggles to even have friends

Being Chandra is suffering

>Bolas wants the planar bridge to connect every world
>Bolas Interplanar Bridgeport

More likely he's about to harvest its organs.

Theme-park level plebfag cultures that don't embrace real world mythology and pathetic SJW pandering make modern MtG lore just so fucking obnoxiously bad

And Jesus fucking Christ that story reads like deviantart fan fiction

Why do people turn to this when there is so much better storytelling and setting design to be found in the contemporary fantasy genre

>She polished off a second cup of fresh water. "Thank you for accompanying me this morning, Chandra."

>"Nowhere else I'd rather be." Chandra fiddled with the straps on her vambrace, her eyes darting in Nissa's direction. An involuntary smile flitted across her face—a blush, an inescapable dash of sentiment.

. . .

>The two sat in semi-silence, comfortable for one and fraught with unspoken words for the other. Nissa took a breath, allowing the churn of the fountain and the cool shade above to her soothe her nerves. Chandra kept her eyes focused on her buckle.

. . .

>Chandra shifted awkwardly. "So . . . friendship is about the limit of what you feel comfortable with right now?"

>Nissa blinked. Chandra worked very hard not to stare.

>"Yes," Nissa said, "I suppose so, given everything at hand."

>"Ah."


I thought Gideon was supposed to be the token gay?

>the Gods are the organs
DEEPEST
BEEPEST

Have you not been paying attention to any time Chandra and Nissa are on screen together for the past three years?

Proves how shitty gods are though, Bolas just shows up, wipes their minds and seemingly removes three, then fucks off.

>Bolas isn't evil
>he's just a hardcore capitalist

>Bolas Planarlines Inc.

To be fair, the God of Gods on Theros is pretty sure Bolas could do the same thing to them.

So do they just put open calls to tumblr for writers, or...?

Because this is fucking embarassing

I need a drawfag to draw bolas in a buisness suit sitting on a dragon-sized office chair behind a dragon-sized boss desk with a little tezzeret secretary with a normal sized desk

>fantasy should be one-to-one with real world mythology
I'm not going to pretend that MtG has the best worldbuilding ever, but a good fantasy world only takes inspiration from real-world mythology. You take the shape of it and some key concepts, and then use those as tools for making something new.

On that front, at least, Magic has the right approach. On the other hand, they can't get past the idea that humans should be arbitrarily more common and diverse than other anthropoids, nor do they know how to write interesting characters or stories.

>I thought Gideon was supposed to be the token gay?

Gideon wants Oketra to sit on his face. He wants to go invincible and give her the pounding of a life time. He wants to have his head squeezed between her thighs as he licks that divine cat pussy.

>Ywn have an autistic Elven gf

Why bother living?

And Tezz is that exhausted secretary that talks in monotone
>Hello welcome to Bolas Inc. how may I help you.
>>Yes, I'm here to talk to Mr. Bolas.
>I am sorry but Mr. Bolas is in an important meeting roght now.
>>But he's right there, he doesn't look busy
>Mr. Bolas is a very busy man.
>>He's just eating a dragon
>Mr. Bolas needs to concentrate on his lunch. Please come back in 9 centuries. Thank you and have a wonderful day.

You mean an older Ral, then. Ral's the same ageish as the others, he's just got Izzet Streaks in his hair.
Innistrad I think would look old and decrepit and be wearing a cloak such that all you see is its mouth and chin.
Tarkir looks like Ugin if Ugin hadn't done his whatever-he-did to become weird and glowy.
Otherwise, yes

>Bolas has his own zoo and aquarium full with creatures from every corner of the multiverse
>all the creatures have his horns
>Bolas Planar Zoo

>Several Employee of the month pictures on the wall behind him
>they're all Bolas.
>All except for one which is Frank in Accounting.

I feel like Innistrad would be a monster wearing a ball gown and a mask barely covering its face

Dominaria would be a hot widower. Mother of all planes, yo.

>"All except for one which is Frank in Accounting."
>Not Bolas with a fake moustache

>Zendikar would be a thicc busty light tan skin Amazonian women

For the love of God, can a draw fag get on this. You can even put hedrons in her lil Bobbie pins.

>Frank in Accounting is a mana construct of Bolas but with a human-sized moustache and bowler hat

>The Bolas Corporation is a real thing, but all of its employees are constructs of Bolas wearing different kinds of costumes
>And Tezzeret

You do realise this is a fantasy setting, right?

No real sense in having real gods when you can make up your own.

Personally, Amonkhet does its best to reference actual egyptian mythology while feeling relatively unique

I could do without the entire "Firecrotch with ADHD wants to bump donuts with the Autistic Elf" thing, honestly.

Get MaRo's dick out of your mouth.

That just needs to be bumped down the line to the beach episode.

Well, what century are they in, dumbass? What real world century on earth SHOULD they be talking like? Because they sure as fuck aren't from any time period on fucking earth.

>Tezzeret is oblivious and actually thinks they're all different employees

>Tezz says that he's thinking about asking out Samantha down in Marketing
>Bolas just stares at him for a solid ten seconds before telling him to go for it.

So, who's betting that Atlazan will be all about the Gatewatch looking for allies on other planes and paying a visit to Atlazan, only to be horrified when they arrive at the capital city (which they never try to explore beyond, of course) and find that it's a horrible dystopian culture full of ritual sacrifices and awful traditions that need to be eliminated by a revolution?

And of course, they find one ally planeswalker by the time they're doing overthrowing the local regime and they move on, leaving it behind in ruins.

>Chandra in a red bikini and orange sarong
>Nissa in a Japanese school girl one piece
>Liliana in a sling bikini, but stays on the beach under several umbrellas while she makes Jace go fetch her cold drinks and snacks
>Gideon in tight swim shorts ala Casino Royal
>Jace dressed like the dork he is in too large swim trunks with dragons on them and a t-shirt he refuses to take off.

>Jace not under the umbrellas face down because he almost got heat exhaustion after the second drink.

Is it just me or does the fact that after only a day the majority of the citizens of the city know and accept that some weirdos have come from beyond their borders and totally accept it seem weird to anyone else?

They shouldn't talk like vacuous tumblrina whose most interesting personality traits are their made up sexual identity and the last witty quip they sharpied on a protest sign to whore on social media for virtue points. But obviously that's the demo Wizards wants to court, though I couldn't imagine why, so that's what they're going to do.

Basically this entire IP is garbage anyway, I wouldn't waste my time defending it, bud.

I'm going to make a non-comedic sci-fi setting in which all of the aliens speak like valley girls.

What do you mean, why? Who are you to say that it's jarring? Who are you to say how aliens should speak, huh? You're going to accept my valley girl aliens in a completely serious setting and fucking like it.

>White planeswalkers go to a plane predominantly populated by People of Color who are all oppressed and can only gain freedom by the intervention super-powered White saviors
>this happens twice in a row

what did MaRo mean by this

The next three sets will be

>Atlazan
>Cold Plane (Which has Phyrexians that job super hard)
>Theros 2: Erebos goes fucking nuclear

Followed by the Beach Episode, which is set in a Hawaiian themed plane. On top of those mentioned,

>Elspeth falls asleep while tanning
>Ajani is teaching kids how to surf
>Dack is around somewhere, nobody sees him until the very end
>Sorin is building sand castles, but PTSD flashbacks keep making him knock them down.

Who else would come along? Sarkhan showing off some fire dancing?

Reminder: You're a fucking moron if you think any of the following vocabulary clashes with the aesthetic of MtG. There's no reason why Chandra shouldn't be saying and thinking things like:
>Super gross
>Beefslab
>Gids
>hell no
>Come the hell on
>Jerk
>Easy, big fella. Not attacking mom.
>Sowwy
>The hell.
>punchybag
>blah blah blah
>FFFFFFFFF...
>super embarrassing
>super dog noses
>freaking idiot
>SHUT UP SHUT UP.
>WHAT IS COMING OUT OF MY FACE?
>super pi—uh, real angry,
>WHAT THE HELL DID I JUST SAY?
>...I think I'm gonna puke.
>made you feel weird
>SorryIblewupyourthingy
>Big Sis

Nah, he falls just outside of the shade holding the drink out for Liliana, and she just leaves him there to get sunburnt.

Some of those are okay. Not most, but some.

Gids is fine

>mostly because she isn't human
What an awful and arbitrary reason to care about a character, especially one as terrible as Nissa.

>Sarkhan and Narset on the most awkward date ever between a literal autist and a scalie
>Everybody else just thinks it's a total train wreck
>Narset and Sarkhan both had fun and want to do it again

BUT WHY ARE THEY GOING TO AMONKHET?

It's not just that she isn't Human, more just what her not being human means, what with her literally seeing the colors of the wind sometimes. Plus Elven Autism > Human Autism.

To fight their inner demons

THE BOLAS CORP. MUST BE STOPPED

>Beefslab
>Gids
>freaking idiot
>...I think I'm gonna puke.
>made you feel weird
>Big Sis
Are all fine because there's no reason to believe the college age girl wouldn't talk like a college age girl just because she's a magic college age girl.

>SHUT UP SHUT UP.
>WHAT IS COMING OUT OF MY FACE?
>WHAT THE HELL DID I JUST SAY?
Are also fine because they're monologues, the only exception is "Hell" because I don't think they've been to a plane with an actual place called hell yet.
I mean they've been to planes that qualify, but they haven't been referred to by that particular name.
I don't get why you expect or demand they speak in a formal tone or in ye olde english or whatever.

DONT THEY HAVE BETTER SHIT TO DO?

LIKE GETTING SOME LEGENDARY FUCKING EQUIPMENTS AND OTHER SHIT OP ITEMS.