Mages Guild: Foreign Exchange Wizard Edition

I don't recall you, specifically, owing me anything. So am I right to assume you're talking about Adam's debt?
Hmm... only warnings for the alchemists? I suppose things must have been quiet lately.
Yes, devastated.

I suppose we'll have to plan a new event. What do you say about pitting the low grade zombies at each other? We would get rid of the low grade materials, and keep morale up.

Does that include various acts of disembodiment?

I would assume so.

We are married, so...

>Diana cringes.
I would certainly hope so!

I'm sure it'll be fun.

Though I doubt the students will be mollified.

Even the volunteers?

It's not like I go around popping people out of their bodies on a whim, you know. There are enough ghosts around here as is.

I suppose that's true, but keep in mind that I won't hold you responsible for the debt. Shouldering part of it is your choice.

As for how much, I have the numbers in my office, not on my person.
Well unless you have a better idea then it will have to do.

How are the classes going?
Volunteers are always free game, as long as they are informed of the consequences of volunteering.

Well...
>Unrolls a scroll. It rolls along the floor, and continues to roll for some time

These are the documented complaints that the various whiney tree huggers have. "Alchemists" covers about half of it. Most magic doesn't stick around quite like alchemy does. It's easy to deal with a cursed suit of armory galloping around the woods, compared to aforementioned unforeseen consequences of leftover reagents mixing. If you really need specifics, I can tack down the top five which - aren't - Alchemist related.

On the note of students, I've been.. elected... to chug all damn way here to debate - once again - the position of the Guild on the various druidic sects. Not that I give a hoot one way or the other, you won't catch me in a dress.

Oh good. Let the, erm, cultural exchange begin, I suppose. What are we exchanging, exactly?

>Stares at her(and more specifically, her hat) very intently. His eyes squinted.
>Speaks.under his breath.

What the hell is it with you people, and these fucking tiny hats...?

Fairly well, all things considered.

Fewer accidental suicides than usual.

...It occurs to me, why haven't druids laid siege to us yet?

Fair enough.

Oh this should be good...

Hey, don't mess with the hat.

>Several carts are magically wheeled into the room. Each one carrying an assortment of pies, and various other kinds of food, followed by a middle age man with bright red hair, and Orange coloured skin.

It has taken me all morning, but I have finally finished preparing tonight's food! Eighty-seven kinds of pies, and a dozen different kinds of world reknown dishes! Take THAT Ridgule's school of culinary magic!

I see. You sound all right, for a druid. Continue.
Students. We send some of ours to the lesser institutions of magic, and they send us some of theirs.
How about "accidents"? Up or down?

...What's that flat one with cheese on the top? I want a slice.

Way down, fortunately.

Because they're a bunch of namby-pamby frollickers for the most part. They're content to just piddle and whine at me about a particular flower was trodden on. I yell the loudest at Council about how we need to get with the times, and they got sick of it. So I was carted up here.

Druids used to be real men. A druid would oversee a forest the size of a city. and make damn sure nothing happened to it. A whole forest! There's too many of us now, so we're stuck with plots the size of a meadow. Thus the never ending whining about the earth-mother, or Gaia, or whoever the hell's vengeance when it gets swallowed by an expanding village.

Where's that ale? I'm in danger of becoming sober at any moment.

Accidental suicide seems like an oxymoron. I always assumed suicide was a product of intent.

Oh. Yes. I suppose that would be enlightening, though I agree that our reputation is harsh. I wonder why they keep sending them.

Fantastic job. Whatever we're paying you, it's not enough.
Ah, interesting. Guess they are finally learning then. At this rate I might not have to repeat the no-kill-week.
Ale? Bah, have something from my stash. It's strong stuff, but you seem like a strong man.
Because while it is a harsh reputation, it is a reputation everyone has heard of.

Few have heard of the Wizard School of West Taroth, everyone has heard of THE Mages Guild.

That is "Flahte O' Coosh"! Made with only the freshest grapes, cream, and a topped with shreded lime skin and cheese!

>He'd kiss his fingers.

I've truely outdone myself this week! AHAHHAHA!!!

I thought the new nature goddess's name started with a V...
>Ponders
Maybe that was just a botanist in Spellbound.

You would be surprised.

Don't write it off quite yet.

Anything spicy?

>Slapping his round belly heartily, Michael partakes in the drink, smacking his lips as a minute amount of smoke dribbles from his ears

This IS a proper drink. My compliments.

You people NEVER pay me enough! I'm forced to sleep inside of the stove to avoid having my feet be eaten by rats that the biomancers have magically enchanted to the size of children!

It's a new one every week, it seems. Druids are getting wrapped up in their Gods, instead of focusing on the damn plants and animals.

Have you tried talking to the rats, and asking them nicely to bugger off?

>He jams a large slice of pie into his mouth, almost sacrilegiously

Hmm... you're right, I'll keep making preparations for it. Any ideas for how I can improve from last year?
You're welcome. It's rare to find a Druid that doesn't make me want to scorch every forest in existence in spite.

What do you do when not trying to talk sense into your fellow druids?
I'm not in charge of funding, but would it help if I got you a skeletal assistant? I assure you, I can make them quite clean, cleaner than the living even.

Indeed we do!

>He'd pull off a tray with what would appear to be slices of pumpkin pie. Albeit, instead of a brown mixture, it would be red and white.

Jalapeno's from the plane of Spicy death, iron from the elemental plane of fire, and for that added flavour... The grounded up tail of a tiefling, all to give you that spicy, next to death flavour that would make even the GODS shit flames!

Would you like a bit off cool whip?

That seems inconvenient.

Maybe...
>Scratches his chin
You don't have another nobility to hand out, do you?

Plane of spicy death?

Maybe no thanks.

That is a fair point, though I must admit my knowledge outside the guild is hazy at best.

Well, you are correct. I am rather surprised, though I feel I shouldn't be.

>He'd remove a glove at the sight of the man's eatting habits!
>He'd then anger use magic to slap him across the face with it, after shoving a stick of butter into it.

HOW DARE YOU! YOU EAT LIKE A CHILD WITHOUT HANDS OR FEET, AND WHO HAS ONLY BEEN EATTING BUTTER ALL HIS LIFE!

NUH! There boney hands will only RUIN my pies!

... But I thank you for the offer.

Yes, the plane of "spicy death"! Where else can you obtain Antruthius death Jalapeno's!? The air there is so spicy, that I lose seven assistant cooks a day trying to get them!

Not at the moment, no. We need to know how the current ones are working out first.
I don't blame you, the Guild is a world in itself after all.
Very well. The offer stands if you change your mind.

>Takes the blow, it leaves an angry red mark on his face for a moment. Then he grins.

Pie is pie, friend, and you don't normally see anything like this down south. I'm not an angry man by nature, and it IS good pie, so I'll let that pass.

>Maintaining eye-contact with the piezard, he slowly shovels another gigantic piece of pie into his maw.

I'm in charge of a couple islands in the deep south-western sea. They're... problematic. Most of the younger lads are too willowy to deal with the grief that comes with them.

I made the slog all the way up here a few years back to get help with a portal that kept puking out demons. I guess I did the job too well, because the Council has stuck me with them. Too much sun, but the ocean is a nice change of pace.

...I have numerous questions I'm hesitant to seek the answers to.

In that case, no ideas.

>Seeing him once again eat his mastwfully crafted pies in such a way. The world reknown Piezard's left eye would twitch in anger, before he begins yelling out in the ancient, and dead language of surrender!

Ask, and you shall receive an answer! As long as it doesn't involve wanting the recipes for my pies!

Saying the guild is a world unto itself is...far greater truth than you know, Lazarus.

Portals puking out demons, you say?

How soon do you need it dealt with?

No, uh, no thanks.

I though we set up a class on comprehend languages and tongues for all new students. Did that not go through?
I still can't believe I didn't figure out about the demonology incident until it was too late but I was more surprised when the the demonology department got away with minimal penalties.

Being in charge is usually troublesome. I hope that portal was taken care of, was it?
Let me know if you come up with anything.
I've been down in the basements and the deep basements, I know all too well how much of a world unto itself our guild is.

Or is there some planar business you believe I'm not aware of?
They deal with demons and devils, most of them are fairly good lawyers.

>Casts an eye left and right, seeing if anyone will bother to intervene with the practically frothing piezard

It was a couple of years back, but I'd appreciate you both looking into it. I'm still running around stomping out portals with Sacred Oak every other month. Startin' to feel like a man running out of fingers to plug a leaking dam with.

True, and we didn't ban all fiends from court proceedings until after the trial.

Considering my position?

I've seen planes that could fit in one of the classrooms. It's so bizarre.

Geez! You should have said something!
I might end up taking care of it tonight. meet me in the archives if you can.

Suit yourself! Maybe you'd prefer a slice Grape Ongo instead?

Don't worry, I will.

Very true. It's quite the spectacle. There's much to explore wandering the walls. Literally, in my case.

Oh yes. Those places are interesting. I'd be curious to see how the living handle the environment.

Hmm... yes. If you could let us know where it is, then we could probably send some students to deal with it. No promises they will succeed of course, but their failure might slow things down at least.
Probably a wise move.
True, true. The necromancy department is bordering on the negative energy plane, we sometimes let it sink into it to keep people out.
Found anything interesting hidden in the walls lately? I know we tend to loose rooms once in a while.

I seem to have lost my appetite.

It's three months back and forth, elsewise I would have - and the Guild isn't always friendly. My apprentice Podrick is back dealing with them now, but the lad is 90 pounds soaking wet. If a demon the size of a cottage is slapping you around, it's best to have a bit of muscle slap back. Try and get a hold of me before the drink does tonight.

Any cannon fodder is welcome. Losing toes, fingers, and limbs is best taken in shifts. I feel like I walkin' jigsaw puzzle with half the pieces missing.

No promises, I am going to have to get authorization from headqurters but that should be pretty trivial.

And...cannon fodder?
>Diana looks at Michael with almost disdain.

I'll take care of it myself.

That was with regards to the students. I understand that the Guild views them as a bit... disposable? No offense meant.

If there is anything Necromancy is good at, it's providing canon fodder.
So the Riftwardens will take over this then? Here I though I had something for my students to do instead of plotting to kill each other.

None taken. It's a fact in some departments, especially in the Necromancy Department.

Actually, yes. Somewhere between the 3rd and 4th floor, I discovered a small absence of brick and mortar. Further inspection revealed a classroom outside the geometry of the wall, though it was in a state of severe disuse.

Oh, how many eyes and is it resurrection or undeadification?

None taken. That said the necromancy department has quite the glut of students.

That's my plan unless Michael has objections.

Hmm... Interesting. Any clues for what was taught in there?
A pity.

>Micheal plays with one of the many frayed edges of a very worn brown tunic

Necromancy department, huh? Well... we might need you after all. I'd like t' take care of the portals are dealt with. As I said, the isles are... problematic. Fair is fair, I've been run ragged dealing with 'em. One thing at a time...

Best I can usually do is plonk some Sacred Oak down, and hope the Gods keep them going long enough for me to rotate to the next. They soak up the corruption, but it burns them right out after a year or two. Closing them, or better figurin' why it's such a hotspot would be better. Anything you can do would be helpful.

Too many, and I'm not quite sure what the difference is.

Oh, you have some cannon fodder you were looking to offload?

My plan's to rough up any demons that are lurking, then shut down the portal.

>Diana adjusts her hands as her outfit seems to shift to flowing armor.
I'm a far cry from an innocent waif.

Yes, the Necromancy Department. I'm fairly certain the Riftwardens can deal with the portals themselves, but I take it there are several demons that have already come through that you could use our help beating. For that, I'm more than willing to lend some students.
Always. There is no better way to deal with troublesome students, than to make use of them. If they are capable then they come back, but only after having dealt with whatever they were sent to deal with. And if they don't... well then they aren't my problem anymore.

How many I asked for a quantity, and are they decaying?

If you have a taste for fighting demons, then be wary - you may never want to leave my isles. If there's one thing I can safely say about my pair of beautiful scenic bastards, we have a surplus of demons.

Er, it varies. I've seen fish with too many eyes, no eyes, fish that aren't fish, fish that are growing, fish that are decaying. It's why Alchemy is rough on the water, everything gets sloughed together and you can't predict the outcome. Ditto if it gets kicked up into the weather.

That bad? Sounds like I got a location to send students to for a long time then.
>gets up
I'll have to go make preparations at once.
>quickly heads down bellow

I have a taste for eradicating unsanctioned interplanar portals. If the demon issue is expansive enough then I may subcontract some of it to the Fighter's Guild.

That does make sense. Perhaps I won't have to ask for as much monetary compensation after all.

Hello, yes? It was said to me that this is where I should be to exchange my studenting?

Decaying, amount of eyes varying wildly. Couldn't have been me.

It was fairly vacant, sadly, though I did find a scrap of notes. From what I could make up, I think it was a clever use of a teleportations class. Perhaps miss Allard would have better info.

>she produces an old scrap of paper with hastily scrawled text

Are you aware of a classroom roughly between the 3rd and 4th floor in the east wing that is largely outside the standard geometry of the building?

>hands her the paper

...I think so. What brand of magic are you looking into?

>Diana looks at the sheet curiously.

I can't say I have. This is quite interesting.

People, please. I know we have a bad track record with these things, but I have a few questions. First, do we have a party for the newcomers? Because I have a good deal of new recipes to test, and exchange students, lik interns, make great test subjects.

Secondly, are any looking for apprenticeship opportunities? I need someone to help me, now that my thieving familiar has gone into witness protection. I told that stupid ape not to get involved with the orcish mob, but would he listen? I need help in these cellars, especially now. I've got a magic-eating fungus problem I'm dealing with here, and nobody else has the balls to help, and risk contamination.

>it looks to be an old page of notes on teleportation magic

As you've said, the guild is a world in itself. I admit that I have made an office for myself within the walls. I do not recommend the living visit unless air is no concern for survival.

How was I supposed to know that a the wacky arm waving and leg jostling of skeletons in my binary counter contraption would be interpreted as a mockery of one of a sacred dance from one of exchange students' more esoteric cultures. Can you hardly blame me for defending myself when the kid's so called friend came rushing at me, fireballs in hand, screaming "cultural appropriation!" It's not my fault that the only other skeletons I had racial slurs scrawled on their bones by the diviners for their bizarre auguries, our department has had funding cuts and all we get are hand-me-downs. Cut us some slack man.

Good to know.

Not that I know of, but I'm not in charge of things like that.

My knowledge is none! It was said to me many times by teacher that knowing more about magic is making it much harder to do ours, but also I want to know how other magic works.

At least I know I'm not the only one with trouble finding hep around here. Good help, I mean.

Well, we need to have a party. It's just proper. No way around it. If the students are already here, we can delay and make a proper event out of it. Maybe a ball. Are balls still in fashion? If they are, I'm going to need to grab the good wine. What little hasn't been stolen, that is.

What kind of magic is it that you do?

I keep some of the best stuff in a secret place for aging and storage, the cellar is far too accessible and easy to take stuff from.

Sorry I'm late! Something came up in the department, one thing led to another, and...yeah.

So, what's up?

Not knowing! I am proud Agnostimancer practicer! Less people understand, more we can do with it. Teacher is master of not knowing anything!

Cultural exchange.

The Necromancer a aren't allowed to do things to the newcomers.

>wow. Botched that one.

Ah, so like nobles?

Well that's just good practice, the necromancy students can be...difficult.

Yes, indeed, though ambition comes with the territory, I suppose. I sometimes wonder if I was like that in my early years as a student.

Hard to say.

So it's magic about nothing?

How peculiar.

Mort, ye have no idea. It's like they exist just to get in the way.
I don't really have that option. It's the only place big enough for my equipment that isn't already taken, and much of it was carved out by my brother, Darius, so it has a certain Dwarfy feel to it.

Speaking of my brother, we aren't allowing the Chronomancers access to the new students, are we? If the Necromancers aren't allowed, they should probably be barred as well.
I'm not holding a grudge, I'm just being cautious is all.

Yes, I don't remember much from that time, though statistics for being a model necromancy student are not on my side, if there is such a thing.

You could always add some wards though.
No, chronomancy is on a "fixing only" basis and thus cannot accept new students at this time.

I don't think the chronomancers have registered a new student in some time.

Then again, they're chronomancers, so it's hard to say.

I somehow doubt there is such a thing.

Never trust a chronomancer, they might not have registered a new student this year because they keep registering them in the previous year to avoid documentation.

...That's a very wise point, Archwizard.

I am being told many time nobles make good Agnostimancer.

Not nothing! It is... How am I explaining? People long ago not knowing fire cannot start underwater yes? So ancient Agnostimancer can take rock and wood and start fire below water because no one knows he cannot. Or if he is very good, because HE does not know.

...

I wonder. What would you say if I offered to teach you a bit of magic that sounds...somewhat similar to what you do, but at the same time different?