What do you do when players are retarded?

Not a single one of them has a ranged weapon.

That's really dumb. I can understand them being cautious and not wanting to release her while still surrounded, but killing her gains them nothing.

The most fair way I could see to go forward is to tell them that the man gets a pained look on his face, and meanwhile the archers get a round of attacks off on them as he's grieving. Then you can let them make some bluff/intimidate checks to try and 'manipulate' him into fighting them on more even footing. Give it a high DC, but some bonus to offset it, and tell them that they can keep making it over rounds. Ideally, they'll fail and you describe that he's still in shock and not hearing them, as they continue to get pelted by archers.

By the time he drops down, they should basically be dead already, even if they do trick him into A) jumping down and B) calling off his archers.

Isn't that just the fucking cherry on this dumbass cake, they deserve to roll new characters

>walk into castle of mastermind
>walk into a trap
>kill your only hostage
>have no ranged weapons

You can still play it out, in case they pull something off, but that's a perfect storm of retarded that I'm unsure even they could complain about

Then won't it be interesting to see how they get out of that situation?

Or it will be cathartic when they can't.

Well, they killed his daughter while she was helpless. So now it's time for them to die the same way to his many archers. And now that he has even less weaknesses, he's going to be harder to deal with, so congratulations, user's players!

And no, you can't fix stupid players.

Give them new character sheets after you kill these fuckers dead.

Next time just make the BBEG a big retarded ogre warlord that's united a bunch of monsters or something. Probably the only thing your players can outsmart.

(OP)
>play stupid games, win stupid prizes
This, OP. Just smoke 'em. They played the Retard Lottery and won the grand prize. Have the archers open fire, play it out, and make them roll to see if they cry, and if so, how hard.

Talk to them individually since you're between sessions. Lead off by asking what their idea for their new character is. If they ask what you mean, point out how they made that many dumb decisions and it should be obvious that their plan was bad.

Talking to them one at a time reduces the odds that they'll bitchfit and try and drown you out with numbers, and makes it more likely you'll be able to calmly explain to them and make them see their folly.

Then, once that's done, at the start of the next session you can either have everyone reroll after a TPK, or ask them if they'd rather retcon and do something else with their hostage.