Shitty Curses

>No matter how often you wipe, there will always be poop stains.

You know how sometimes you forget what's normal to do with your arms?

You will never remember it again.

>Glucose Intolerance
>One of your adult teeth will always feel loose, but never come out
>Patchy facial hair
>You're always three minutes late to weddings
>The nail on your right pinky-toe is forever ingrown.

>Wherever you travel, you will invariably hear the voices of children pestering you with questions such as "Are we there yet"?

Oh frick!

May your toast always fall jam side down, your left sock disappear for ten days at a time, and your pockets full of lint!
And while we're at it, may you not detect animal poo until after you step on it!

Henceforth your butthole shall magically transmute all lube into hot sauce on contact.

>not slowly wrapping your arm around her waist and pulling her close so you can kiss her fivehead while stroking her ratty, greasy hair
>not taking off her thick, ugly rimmed glasses with your other hand so you can look deep into her eyes
>not locking your lips with hers as she frets about not being able to see anything
>not biting her lip and slipping your into her mouth as she melts in your arms
>not having her try to look prettier and cleaner for you only for you to insist she's perfect as is

>Henceforth, you will always pull up slightly too far from an ATM, so that you'll have to actually get out of your car to use it.

>The witch unleashes a wicked cackle as she slowly points at you
>You will forever be cursed! You'll have to wake up to urgently piss every hour all night no matter how much you drink!

>Your first born will become an irresistible trap by the age of 12, and make advances towards you no matter what you say or do

The issue is this curse backfires, you can now no longer die of dehydration.

That's more of a blessing than a curse

Would this really be a curse since you'd still be genuinely attracted to them?

>your first born
>12

user

>you are cursed to forego any and all social interaction except for on boards.Veeky Forums.org/r9k

>12
I'm a patient man.

>your first born
pic related

>Cups left on any table you own will ALWAYS leave a ring, regardless of the cup's contents.

There's evil, and there's outright demonic.

>Your food and drinks will always be lukewarm, always a little too cold or too hot for your preference..

But what if your firstborn is a girl?

This is the first time I am glad we phased out the penny here.

They become a suave reverse-trap and make advances towards your wife instead.

>Cursed to forever step on children's building block toys while barefoot at the most inconvenient times

I already have that curse.

>your pants will always ride up when you walk
>your nose will always itch whenever your hands are occupied
>your feet will seek out the table legs

...

... huh. At least she's not out for boys like other girls her age.
Go ahead my child, I don't blame you, I think your mother is pretty hot too, myself.

>Even if you put the cup on a coaster

I think due to the wording its implied that no matter what the first born will be a boy.
You do IVF, Designer Babies bullshit for a girl, nah mate, its a boy, you going to get a trap to fuck whether you like it or not.

>You're always three minutes late to weddings
That's weirdly specific
>You will always make too much spaghetti for lunch!

So she'll becoma a tomboy?
That's fucking rad!

>implying Birdman and Char don't look fabulous at all times
Really glad I got them and kurwa. I can wind to the maximum

>I curse you thus: May all the food you eat in the world, and every drop of liquid that passes through your lips be disappointingly bland and unappetising

>you will always have bedhair

As a baldie-to-be, I gladly accept this "curse"

Whoever puts a curse like this on someone is beyond inhuman, I say

>I curse you thus: May all the food you eat in the world, and every drop of liquid that passes through your lips be disappointingly bland and unappetising
or everything tastes of pork. I sometimes get those two curses confused.

Atleast i can pretty much eat whatever u want..

Cheap food + more money

go home muhammed, you're drunk.

Forget you punk!

>with her dying breath, the gypsy points her finger at you and casts a spell on your bloodline
"We will form shanty towns all over your country and annoy the living daylights out the EU."

Depends if you care what people think of you

>every time you'll work on anything, be it your car, bike, toy or whatever you'll be always left with one spare fastener
>may your crush washers ever leak
>no matter the position of the tap your shower shall always be too cold or too hot

pork tastes great, you just have to be a bit more careful in how you cook it

beef's the easy mode as far as flavour goes

You fiend!

At least it's not Veeky Forums.

but wiping is for uncivilised desert-dwelling barbarians

delete this

Well stop messing with witches

>tfw constantly eat unsalted white pasta right off the fridge
Bland food doesn't scare me, but if even disgusting food becomes bland then I'll win from this curse

>You will always arrive to your destinations 30 minutes prior to when you're supposed to be there.

youtube.com/watch?v=4pjThvRQ0gs

Huh. If I leave 2 minutes before I have to get there, do I time travel?

Already do that, which is funny considering most of my friends arrive 30 min AFTER the agreed upon hour.

I curse you with irritable bowl syndrome whenever you have a date

>FUCKING BOWLS WHY ARE YOU SO CONCAVE?
>I WISH I COULD EAT SOUP ON A PLATE YOU ROUNDISH PIECE OF SHIT

More like
>oh yea you're going to eat soup in ME, try it m8

>Never again will your head lay against a cool pillow, it will always be just slightly too warm no matter what side it is

>no matter the position of the tap your shower shall always be too cold or too hot
So, no curse then?

...

You monster.
On the plus side, the cold winter nights will always be comfortable.

...

i like the thought behind this but it seems like it'd be a huge boon
go out and buy a TV for $399.99, find $399.98 in your pocket
all you have to do is negotiate the penny each time and you're golden

...

HOW!?!?

looks like he stood on it user

I know your pain

But how does someone not instantly feel if and pull back?

>cursed to never accurately remember acquaintance's name

that could actually cause trouble for the group

I had a game where my character died from a constipation curse.

Thats only ever a problem with assholes though.
Nobody will ever care if you're one cent short.
Now if you add in "Henceforth, you can only pay for any purchase or exchange of services/goods in change." then we're good.

oh you don't know the half of it.
>Oh how long have you been here waiting for us?
>oh you know just 10 minutes ago.
>Ah sory, next time we'll be on time.
>Arive 40 mins late
Every time, i never learn, and the time i deviate from it its the time they actually arrive on time

You and all of your descendants will, at least twice a day, be hit directly on the face with a shaving cream pie.

Pretty much the same, I've gave up long time ago. Now when I really need someone at a precise time I just tell them the time is 30 minutes before when I actually need them.

>The wrinkled crone releases a bone chilling howl of laughter
>"From this day forth you will always get well into sex or masturbation only to be interrupted by your goofy and awkward father before you can finish!"

Maybe no feeling in the foot, like from diabetes or something?

Did you get hit one time and explode like a shit pinata?

Wait, so I can now summon my goofy and awkward father from anywhere in the world by masturbating? That's super inconvenient for one's sex life, but really useful if you need to get your dad somewhere quick. Also, what happens when he dies? Does masturbating summon his ghost or something?

Necromantic Fap

>every time you touch a piece of paper for any reason other than charitable donation you will get a papercut

>no matter how well you do at work your boss will only ever be around when you fuck up.

>you will suffer near constant bird attacks on your ears unless you are holding your wifes arm

>the autocorrect on your phone will go out of its way to ruin or complicate your relationships with everyone.

>fish will swarm at the closest shore to you, they will stop at nothing to be near you and more amphibious specimen will occasionally be found in your bed when you wake up.

Free wife arm? Free fish?

>>the autocorrect on your phone will go out of its way to ruin or complicate your relationships with everyone.
I still find it hard to comprehend that there are people who actually use autocorrect.

the wife is not provided. the fish rot abnormally fast.

even if you disable it this still occurs. it affects your emails, and as time goes on your phone calls. one day it may even affect your voice. best to leave the autocorrect on

You can take your parents on vacation and only have to pay half!

>your undergarments will always be too loose whenever you move on your will, and too tight whenever you stay still.

c'mon, parenthood isn't that bad!
And she's not a witch, she's your wife!

>your pants will always ride up when you walk
belt sales plummet!
hoodrats everywhere rejoice!

...

So English 'cuisine' is all I'll be eating?

So nothing changes, then?

>nail polish
>he
It's probably a disgusting trap
ProTip: they're all disgusting