The Bureau

It happens to you too?

Let's hope you are so eager on the field of battle soldier.

>Am I a part of some psy-spy experiment?
No, nothing of the sort. Adalion is the one who runs those things. It is merely a mild form of Telepathy.

I'm ready to serve, sirs. I've even brought my own gear for it.

I-Is that a...Spoon? A literal Spoon?

Yes. I have enough for everyone in my squad, if needed.

Tell me they are enchanted at the very least.

Not at all. Just plain, metal spoons.

I think I have a wooden one, though.

How is this Veeky Forums?

Well then, let's hope they manage to hold up.
AX-W45, please contact Eon and have his science team get to work on Combat-Spoons.

We're willing to work if you're willing to pay.

We are. How much do you desire?

Oi mate, 'strayan special forces here, ready for duty ya cunt, whatshuwan'me kill?

A talking Ostrich? Not the weirdest thing we have employed here. Anyway we want yo-//#####//DATA CORRUPTED/////

Newest tech you can design, ours to keep even after the contract is complete, at minimum. After that we'll discuss payment on a mission by mission basis.Also a guarantee to make rescue attempts on any of ours in the event one of them gets captured.
We're a four man team. A demolitions expert, a marksman, our leader who is also the marksman's spotter, and a 'tactical infiltration' expert.

///SYSTEM ERROR////
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The fuck s'happenin, cunts?

Hell if I know. So, how much can you fucking birds drink anyway? I know auzzies can drink like fish.

//SYSTEM ERROOOOO-((Enough))
((Greetings to you all))

Well, howdy!! What's your name, Squaddie?

Ya'd like to know whouldn't ya?
The great Emu-Ostrich alliance has many secrets

Same offer we made to the X-com guys. They haven't agreed to a contract, might as well get you two in a bidding war.
Our loyalty is guaranteed once you have our contract.

The Bastards have two skills. Killing for money, and drinking.

(("Squaddie"))?
((We are Vorlaxis-Theta, Hierarch of the Eighth Legion))

((You wish for a War between the Bureau and Ours))?
((Why))?

Well, that's a bit of a mouthful. Let's just call you Vorl.

Welcome to the squad, Vorl!

Hm... long red robes, unusual face...

Is this guy the boss of XCOM-China Branch?

No no no, look at the patterns on the robe's décor. It's clearly Korean.

I'm not sure about this guy. Kinda looks skinny. Someone's gotta get him some dinner.

They want war on you buddy, war is coming either way. We just want our payday.

Alright, rolling to make him a delicious dinner.

Oh, he's a squaddie? Well, welcome, enjoy your complimentary grenade belt and flak jacket, and don't ask about worker's comp.

>Let's just call you Vorl.
((This is semi-acceptable))
((It is also, mildly amusing))
((Either way, this Branch seems like it is in working order))

Rolled 16 (1d20)

Forgot the dice bit.

Mmm.
16.

Dimension hopping Buns reporting, can we join? We wish to protect the Homeworld of out lesser evolved Bun-kin!

I don't know what to say to that

But your ability to rapidly produce more rookies is probably invaluable

You're probably not a fan of rabbit stew, right?

We'll do our part!

>Vorlaxis-Theta seemingly absorbs the food by pulling it into its robes
((Many thanks, little one))
((Ah, but we must go))
((For the bells sing of doom, and the first conflict is not so far away))

Ugh, not again! I swear, this seems to happen almost every other week, with you. You drink a little bit of the sentience serum, and suddenly you break out of your habitat.

Fascinating! Truely remarkable. Such a frail body.... Would you mind if I ran a few experiments on you?

By the way, Administrator. Engineering wished for me to tell you that they are having a few issues with the servers. Apparently somebody broke in last night, and spilled strawberry syrup upon them.

>It seems the Being has already faded.
>The Administrators presence seems to have returned however.
Ugh, my head. What the-Sarah? What are you doing here? I thought you were out in the field.

>She would shake her head.

No no, that was two days ago. I returned yesterday afternoon, with many samples and artifacts recovered.

Huh, interesting. Anyway, what did you manage to uncover?

By ze vay. I must apologize for Ze sentient ostritch walking around. It appears, vone of my colleagues forgot to put avay ze experimental sentience serum ve've been working on down in Ze labs, and it must have ingested et by mistake.

Vell, it seems that our foes ve're once again, we're trying to introduce a reproduction inhibitor into Germany's water supply. Zhey made sure to try and hide zheir attempts at this, but I outsmarted zhem.

All in all, I should have a cure for zhis strain sorted out by tomorrow afternoon.

Vhy is it, zhat it's alvays ze fluffy vones that get turned sentient, and are given weapons of mass destruction? Vhy can it nevah be something cold and scary?

Oh don't mention it. It isn't as bad as what some other Branches have to deal with. Also, I've been getting unusual energy readings off of the North-East Pacific region for quite some time now.

Haven't you ever seen Monty Python? It's the cute and cuddly ones that are most vicious!

Ahh yes, zhat.
>The French researcher would pull out a large tablet, and would begin typing in a series of command upon it. Causing a small holoscreen to appear from out of it, centered around the North-east Pacific ocean.

It appearz zat our enemies have been performing a deep sea mining operation upon ze ocean floor. I'm not exactly sure as to vhat zhey are drilling for. But it appears to be quite important to zhem.

My current theory, Administrator. Is zhat zhey may be attempting to build something zhere. Although Ze energy signatures are quite off ze scales for a simple building project.

You ready to agree to our contract then?

We may or may not have the Demonic rabbit featured in that film in heavy duty containment.

Howdy all. Engineering checking in. Projects POLYPHEMUS and JABBERWOCK are proceeding nicely, and ZYGOTE should be ready for field deployment within the month.

Uh, on a less positive note, we've had some setbacks on ARROWHEAD, and as a result machining bays E6-E9 are locked down until further notice. Also, hab sectors 112 and 114 are affected, so if you live there then, uh, sorry.

No. I cannot zay zhat I 'ave. My focuses are normally directed tovards avenues zhat vill benefit all of mankind, as vell as our allies.

Although I vill say that I 'ave heard many good things about it.

You may or may not have the one? Wew...

Well, seems we'realize going to have to put a damper on their plans then. Sarah, see if you can dig up anything else on what they are doing down there. We might very well need to send a team out there to deal with the situation.

As for your contract, yes. We shall agree to it. Just so long as you don't try anything.

Oh great. It is mine "equal", from Ze engineering department.

>Sarah would roll her eyes at his arrival, and with such bad news.

Can't you and your people do anything correctly? You 'ave vone job, and zat is to build things that both Ze administrator, as vell as mine science team come up vith. And yet all you ever do is manage to blow up Ze machine bays.

Here, I 'ave an idea. Vhy don't you and your team go and play vith some Megablocks, down in ze fusion reactors. Atleast Zhen, you will be of some use, as vell as be out of mine hair.

Oh relax. Ve only bring it out for Ze occasional study, as vell as to see if et can't be cooked in Ze vrabbit stew.

>Sarah would nod her head, as she types out another command into her tablet. Causing the Holo emitter to shut off.

Of course, Administrator. I shall 'ave mime team begin vork immediately.

Yang, be honest with me here. How far will this set current research progress back?

You agreed to the contract, you have our loyalty.

If I may Introde, Administrator. "Shen"....

>Sarah would begin type ng a few commands into her tablet, causing a graph with various stats and number to appear as a massive holochart.

By mine calculations, it could seem that Shens 'prototypes', are going to cost eleven times as much as he 'ad originally said zhey vould.

On top of Zhis, the cost to repair zhose areas of Ze base, will set us back quite a bit.

Personally, invould suggest you take the funds from Shen's current projects. Zhey vill be of no use to us anyvays.

Why do I feel like I just agreed to a deal with the Devil here?

We're just mercenaries. We kill for cash, cash we mostly spend on booze admittedly, but still. We're loyal so long as the deal keeps up, and we'll kill your enemies.

Mizz Whitaker, always a pleasure. I am real sorry that us doing the actual legwork sometimes suffer setbacks. Maybe if my boys down in the shop didn't have to spend months getin' the pie in the sky nonsense research sends down to actually, ya know, work anywhere but on paper, then maybe we wouldn't have quite so many issues.

Shouldn't be too much of a problem, sir. Maybe four months, five. Really, this is an opportunity. There was a 2.03% chance the Q-M matrices wouldn't stand up to the axion-gluon bombardment, but since we have the rift safely contained in E6 then this gives us an unprecedented look into paraspace.
If research can get their heads , pardon my french sir, out of their asses then we're talkin' about a meteoric rise in our understanding of physics. Not to mention the field day the boys down in genetics will have with the, uh, specimens.

What, no! His work has helped us in many a troubling time, even helping to keep this Branch afloat during moments of crisis. I trust the man to pull through Sarah, and I'm certainly not going to let that trust waver now. We can always ask the other local Branches for funds ifor need be.

Do you are ze first kind of mercenaries...

>Sarah would let out a sigh.

I'll have ze medical team give you Ze standard issue Injections...

Speaking of. We agreed to the best tech you guys have available. But we understand that the word "tech" can be....inflexible. Therefore, what do you want in return for guaranteed gene-mods?

If your 'team', if vone can even call zhem such a thing. Could learn to read and write. Perhaps zhey vould not have so many issues with creating Ze most basic of our entirely straight forvard designs.

If you say so, Administrator. I just Vish TO remind you, zhat be still owe Ze south-eastern branche quite a large sum as et is.

Zat is.... Quite Ze request to say Ze least. If it were up to me, I vould only be giving zhem to our best and brightest soldiers. Not a band of usually drunken mercenaries. No offense intended mind you.

So I will leave such matters to Ze administrator. Should 'E decide you worthy of zhem, Zhen Ve will talk.

>Therefore, what do you want in return for guaranteed gene-mods?
Give us a list of organizations that you have had prior dealings with. Might be a good way to gain new recruits. Oh, and also some of your blood. Sarah may wish to run some tests.

Ma'am. We might not be the brightest, but we're the best. We're aware of the basics of how your work is done, and I guarantee even our demolitions expert will be able to get you back the required resources for your work. Without destroying them.

We are willing to serve so long as we are... fed. We are certain that our capabilities can be of use and our fight will be easier with the aid of others.

Prior organizations is easy, we'll send a list to you immediately. Except for ones who payed for nondisclosure of course. As for blood, we're gonna want a signed and notarized agreement about that. We wear these helmets for more than just stopping bullets, we want our IDs kept private. Some of us plan to retire at some point after all.

I am alvays willing to run tests, Chen I am not dealing vith more important matters, or dealing vith Ze aftermath of Shen's 'projects'.

>As for blood, we're gonna want a signed and notarized agreement about that. We wear these helmets for more than just stopping bullets, we want our IDs kept private. Some of us plan to retire at some point after all.
Of course. Your identities are safe with us, of that you can be sure. Let us hope that this partnership is a fruitful one.

Straight forward? You call the hogwash you keep sending down straight forward? If we followed your "straight forward" designs then we'd be armin' the task forces with goddamn suicide bombs and self fragmentin' armor.

You know what managed to glitch out one a those drones we built, *to your specifications*?
A got-damn microwave. Old Tom from custodial decided to eat lunch during testing, and the radiation comin' from his bean burrito turned your drone into a $4 million paperweight, because your "improved" rad shielding wasn't much better than tinfoil.

I truly hope that you know vhat you are doing. This could end very badly for all sides involved.

Zat "burrito" incident, vas partially your team's fault, as I do recall. You and your team, reversed Ze polarity of Ze shielding. Causing it to expand and tear apart everything it absorbed.

If you and your team had simply followed Ze instructions, like you should have. Zhen Tom's leg could not still be stuck to Ze ceiling tiles in Ze armoury!

That much I am aware of Sarah. But anything that can give us the edge in this war, we must take it. Central certainly won't be giving us any aid, they already have enough on their plate as is.

If your superior agrees to our services then we can assist with recovering materials from that. We would reduce them to raw materials which you could reuse and would request that we be allowed to take some to enact repairs and grow our numbers. Our journey was more hazardous than expected, our collective is depleted.

Even if et eventually costs us our own 'umanity?

Really? I think that's a bit too much ma'am. Hiring mercs isn't gonna cost you your humanity.

'iring mercenaries and reforging our enemies own weapons vone thing. But even be must eventually determine vere Ze line is drawn when it comes to certain advantages.

SUCH AS TRYING TO USE BABIES AS MECH PILOTS! 'AVE YOY LODT YOUR MIND SHEN?

>SUCH AS TRYING TO USE BABIES AS MECH PILOTS!
Wait, What? This is Draer tier insanity if I ever heard it. Yang, what did you do?

>SUCH AS TRYING TO USE BABIES AS MECH PILOTS! '
Why would you even do that? Babies don't know how to fight.

Can we have a response to our proposal? We have a mutual enemy and we would like an ally in our fight. We assume you would welcome any aid you are offered.

Test. Test.

The Psychokinetic and Psionics Division is prepared to begin preliminary test runs of the stable transdimensional temporal communications conduit. This will allow us a stable line of communications and means of diplomacy with the self styled "Mages Guild" of PPD catalogued dimension #M-234.

Diagnostics and double verification calculations are completed. We are initializing conduit ignition. Standby. . .

Dear god! You people vint and actually did it!?

Yes. We're currently monitoring for any potential quantum anomalies or analogues fluctuations, but we believe the conduit stable for now. We have hailed them but not yet received a reply.

Hey, it's not as bad as it sounds. We developed a procedure to integrate vat grown neural tissue into the control center of a class-C MEC unit. Unfortunately, the learnin' software didn't take and what we wound up with is a high tech killin' machine....with the mind of a toddler.
But I take full responsibility for lil' Hoss, and plan on raisin' him myself, both because it's the responsible thing ta do, and because it's a once in a lifetime opportunity ta study man-machine integration in the field.

Spindler you absolute madman. You actually managed to pull it off.