WELCOME TO THE FRONT, RECRUIT!

WELCOME TO THE FRONT, RECRUIT!
WE'VE BEEN EXPERIENCING HEAVY SHELLING FROM ENEMY LINES, SO IF ALL YOU CAN HEAR IS RINGING, DON'T PANIC, YOU GET USED TO IT!

SEE THE TRENCH WAY OUT THERE? WE CALL THAT THE SHITBLOOD GUTTER. IT USED TO BE OUR FORWARD TRENCHES BEFORE THE CULTISTS RELEASED THEIR LIQUIDATION WEAPON!
I KNOW THE MUNITORIUM DIDN'T ISSUE YOU WITH ANY GEAR BEFORE YOU GOT HERE, SO YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO GO SWIMMING FOR A WEAPON AND SOME AMMO.
DON'T WORRY, YOU GET USED TO IT!

SOME OF THE LADS START HEARING VOICES AFTER A COUPLE OF WEEKS, JUST TRY TO BLOCK IT OUT BY THINKING ABOUT TITS OR THE EMPEROR.
IF YOU EVER WAKE UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT CHANTING INCOMPREHENSIBLE WORDS IN A LANGUAGE YOU DON'T RECOGNISE, THE THING THAT SEEMS TO SNAP YOU OUT OF IT TENDS TO BE SELF-MUTILATION, KILLING YOUR SQUADMATES OR DRAWING SYMBOLS ON THE WALLS.
DON'T FRET, YOU GET USED TO IT!

SIR! I HAVE A QUESTION! WHERE IN THE EMPEROR'S HOLY NAME ARE WE, AND WHY HAVE WE BEEN SENT TO THE FRONT UNARMED?!?

Caps lock is painful to read

CANT HEAR YOU, PRIVATE, YOU'LL NEED TO SPEAK LOUDER

Non possum sentire stamine consequendi me!
NON POSSUM SENTIRE STAMINE CONSEQUENDI MEEEEEEE!!!

I SHOULDN'T TELL YOU THIS, BUT YOU'VE BEEN SENT TO [classified], LARGELY REGARDED AS THE WORST WARZONE IN THE SUBSECTOR!

DON'T WORRY, EVENTUALLY WE'LL HAVE ENOUGH BODIES!

WHAT?

HERETIC!

YYYYEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

SLAANESH BEEEE PRAISED! SHITS GUNNA GET LOOOOUDDDERR!!!!!!!

*Heretical Guitar riff goes here*

SIR EVER SINCE ARRIVING HERE I HAVE BEEN ABLE TO KILL PEOPLE WITH MY MIND, IS THIS NORMAL?!

SIR, DOES OUR ARTILLERY PLAN ON FIRING BACK? I ALSO PICKED UP THIS RATION BAR ON MY WAY IN, IS IT SAFE TO EAT? THE FOIL IS STILL ON IT

I DON'T KNOW, MAYBE YOU'LL GET USED TO IT.

SEGMENTUM COMMAND TOLD US TO PRESERVE AMMO FOR THE BIG PUSH, THAT WAS PROBABLY AROUND...THREE YEARS AGO NOW?

OH FUCK THE HERETICS ARE HERE, GET THE MELTAS

RIGHT MAN REMEMBER WHAT SARGE TOLD YOU, START CUTTING YOURSELF

WHAT DO YOU MEAN MELTAS?! FIX BAYONETS!

FUCK YOU YOU POMPOUS FAGGOT, PRAISE KHORNE AND DIE!

DING DONG DING DONG

YOU HEAR THAT?! POPPA NURGLES HERE TO SHOW YOU HOW MUCH HE LOVES YOU!!

FIRST LINE, FIRE!
SECOND LINE F*URGGHGHGHG!*

AM HERE TO TELL YOU IT"S TIME TO CHARGE THOSE CHAOS FUCKS!

...

...

Then, everyone clapped.
*sips tea*

>TITS OR THE EMPEROR
SIR! WHAT ABOUT THINKING OF TITS ON THE EMPEROR?

You sully your mind with such perverse images? Show me the rest of these before I splatter your brain across the trench, for research purposes of course!

>10000/10, would worship with great fervor

You allow your men to sully their minds and souls with such images? You HERETIC!

WHAT WAS THAT, SIR? I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THAT NOB'S SCREAMS IN PAIN. COULD YOU REPEAT THAT AGAIN SIR!?

WHAT'S WITH THE NUMBERS? WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT

HERETIC WHERE?

HERETIC THERE!

*BLAM*

APPROVED!

I like the idea of a God Empress but god-damn the fuck is wrong with her face.

>banana

WHAT? COULDNT HEAR YOU OVER ALL THE SHELLS, REPEAT YOURSELF.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

WHAT?! I CANT HEAR YOU SPEAK UP

ahem...AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAkhorneAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

WHAT?

THE HERETICS WILL MARINATE IN HERESY AND BURN IN THE FIRES OF DAMNATION!!!
MARCH FORWARD AND SING HIS PRAISES!!!!!
THE EMPEROR LOVES ME THIS I KNOW!!!
FOR THE IMPERIUM TELLS ME SO!!!

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAexpecting a WAAAGH!? TOO BAD! WALUIGI TIME! OH YEAH!

OI! WHY WEZ JUS' SITTIN' 'ERE? LETZ GO KRUMP DEM SPIKY 'UMIES!

ITS VERY QUIET TODAY.

You're a monster

ATTACK MY PACT-BROTHERS! BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD, SKULLS FOR THE SKULL THRONE! LET THIS WORLD BURN!

I'M HAVING A BREW? DO YOU WANT ONE?

YES

SIR, MY STANDARD ISSUE SPOON HAS A TONGUE GROWING OUT OF IT AND MY BRAIN ITCHES, SIR!

INCINERATE THAT TAINTED METAL!!!
READ THE PRAYER OF THE EMPEROR 100 TIMES TONIGHT AND IF THAT DOES NOT STOP THE ITCHING REPORT TO ME TOMORROW MORNING!

HOLD THE LINE GUARDSMEN!!! STAND TALL FOR THE EMPEROR!!!!

SIR MY ARM HAS GROWN ITS OWN FACE, I'M NOT SURE WHAT TO DO

I FEEL YOU MAN, MY GUN SPROUTED A MOUTH AND A PENIS LAST NIGHT, IT KEEPS TELLING ME TO PLEASURE IT.

IF YOU ASK ME THERE IS SOMEONE FROM THE SUPPLY CORP FUCKING US OVER

*Puts bolt pistol to your head and squeezes the trigger

THAT'S ODD, MY GUN'S MAGWELL TURNED INTO A VAGINA AND STARTED WHISPERING SINS TO ME AT NIGHT. I HAVEN'T RELOADED MY GUN IN THREE WEEKS.

HAVE YOU TRIED STICKING THE TWO TOGETHER? SOUNDS LIKE YOU OUGHTA TWIN-LINK THAT SHIT.

SIR, MY STANDARD ISSUE LASGUN JUST SHOT LIGHTNING AT A BUNCH OF HERETICS! IS THIS NORMAL?

I DON'T KNOW. YOU'LL GET USED TO IT.

IS THAT A SPACE MARINE AT THE ENEMY TRENCH?

HE WAVING AT ME! NOW HE'S SLIDING A FINGER OVER HIS THROAT SLOWLY?

DO I WAVE BACK?

WHERE THE FUCK ARE MY REINFORCEMENTS! THESE FUCKING HERETICS ARE GONNA OVERRUN US OVER HERE!

IN THE NAME OF THE EMPEROR WHERE THE FUCK ARE MY BANEBLADES!

SIR, WHY IS DAVE OVER THERE GROWING HORNS AND SPIKES?

MUNITORUM LOST 'EM
WE HAVE PLENTY OF (lightly worn) T-SHIRTS THOUGH

AUGH! A BUNCHA SCARED HUMIES WE 'AVE 'ERE?! AHAHAHAHA! NOW DIS IS A GOOD FIGHT FOR A ROIGHT AND PROPAH WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!

CAVALRY REPORTING IN!

MUNITORUM CAN'T FIND ANY, BUT THEY SENT ME WITH 400 KEGS OF RECAFE AS REPLACEMENT.

.......

[intimates his understanding by punching something]

BE STRONG IN YOUR HATE SOLDIERS!
FAITH WILL GUIDE YOU! THE EMPEROR PROTECTS! AND YOU WILL MEET HIM TODAY BE IT BY DIEING OR REACHING THE HEAVEN ITSELF BY BUILDING A PILE OF CORPSES HIGH ENOUGH TO REACH IT!

SIR I HAVE NO IDEA HOW I GOT HERE BUT IM GONNA GO BACK TO MY HOME PLANE NOW. HAVE FUN WITH WHATEVER YOU'RE DOING. PLANE SHIFT BIYATCH.

Hey, boss, this might be a good moment to bring up that I can arrange a trade - five kegs to any artillery regiment to send next training barrage on the coordinates we call, another 20 to accidentally swap in the live ammo.
And a hundred to platoon command to call artillery drill right fucking now.
So how do we play this, boss? All in? Just give me the coordinates.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

SIR WHY ISN'T THIS THREAD ON /QST/.

SIR THE ASTARTES ARE ACTING STRANGE

THIS IS NO QUEST PRIVATE, NOW FALL IN LINE AND SHAVE YOUR LASGUN, ITS WAY TOO HAIRY.

WHAT'S THAT? YOU'LL HAVE TO SPEAK LOUDER!

AND WHO STOLE MY HELMET?

SIR!

IS IT TRUE THAT WHEN WE GARRISON THE PLANET THE MUNITORIUM WILL DEPLOY FEMALE REGIMENTS TO THE PLANET AND A BREEDING PROGRAM STARTS?

YOU POOR GREEWBIE, THATS JUST RECRUITMENT PROPAGANDA.

SIR! THAT LAST ARTILLERY EXCHANGE COST ME MY ARM!
WILL I GET USED TO IT?

WAIT, WAIT A SEC, A TENTACLE IS GROWING OUT OF THE WOUND... WILL I GET USED TO THAT?

WHERE'S OUR ARTILLERY

>THE EMPEROR

This is all you need, those that are faithful will survive and prosper on this battlefield. Your enemies' missiles deflected, their demons banished. All will be well in the light of our glorious emperor. Now, CHARGE YOU SCUM AND GET YOUR WEAPON FROM THE BLOOD POOL. Less I judge you a traitor here and now!

FHOR DE EMPRAA!

WHO ARE YOU CALLING SCUM, HERETIC?

YOU GET USED TO IT TROOPER

Heard you Cadian boys were havin trouble taming this "death world" I dont get what you pansies are talking about this place is a damn near paradise!

OH LOOK XENOS ON THE HORIZON!

For a hot second, I thought that was a Necron in a Death Korp.'s cap.

Which I want now.

SIR, WHY IS OUR STATIONED PSYKER STEVE GROWING WINGS AND IS TURNING RED? DO PSYKERS DO THAT?

DEATHWORLD 17 ENGAGEMENT PROTOCOL SECTION 9 PARAGRAPH 4
YOU GET USED TO IT.

PARAGRAPH 5, IF YOU FIND SOMETHING IS BEYOND YOUR MORTAL COMPREHENSION SEE PARAGRAPH 4

PRETORIAN GUARDS XVI RIFLE REGIMENT READY OLD CHAP!

Sir, Jenkins was killed by a Xeno with some kind of knife launching Crossbow, also several of the men have been talking about Crotch Rot.

That's what happens when you go full smug. Never go full smug son.

WHO IS MAKING ALL OF THIS NOISE UP HERE!? SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP DOWN HERE!!

WHAT? WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM TECH-PRIEST? I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE BLAMMING OF THE COMMISSARS!

YOU'RE GONNA WAKE UP THE C'TAN SHARD WE HAVE DOWN HERE! AND IT GETS REALLY CRANKY WHEN IT WAKES UP WITHOUT A GOOD NIGHT SLEEP AND THE SOULS OF TEN MILLION MORTALS!

IT'LL GET USED TO IT

I'M GONNA FILE A NOISE COMPLAINT TO YOUR PARENTS, YOU YOUNGSTERS! I SWEAR, THIS SECTOR HAS BECOME FULL OF NOISY BRATS, EVEN THE KRORKS WERE QUIETER!

Bonjour

GOOD NEWS EVERYONE, THE ELYSIAN DROP TROOPS HAVE ARRIVED, WITH THEIR HELP WE WILL ADVANCE! OR WE WILL SURRENDER.

I WILL SHATTER THEIR SOULS

COME AT ME! PSYKER DUEL! PUSH! PUSH IT!

NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!

f..uck

WHERE'S OUR FIRE SUPPORT?

THE BARRAGE IS READY! WE WILL PURGE THOSE MUTANTS WHO DWELL AT THIS BLOOD POOL!

SIR! WHEN DO WE CHARGE INTO THE ENEMIE LINE!?