Storytime: Wait... WHAT?

...

>A dragonborn Barbarian with a sagging face, a toothless smile, two blind glazed over eyes, and a third blid eye on his forehead, climbing on a wall like a freak, with funk lines emanating from his body.

>You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like, ladies and gentlemen.

It is an teegee tale, that is from time to time mentioned in magical realm discussion and despite beeing kinda deranged if you think about it too much, absolutely hilarious.

Holy fucking kek, OP here, thats EXACTLY the kind of shit I was hoping for. I hope too, for a drawfrend to make this, that would be pretty awesome. I think teegee has to get some good new anekdotes and this has potential.

Okay first of all you have to understand I had no fucking idea we were playing Call of Cthulhu. He even gave me the stat sheets and everything but I didn't recognize them because I had no experience with the game and I'm not the type to spoil myself. I was just told we'd be doing a suburban crime adventure with fantasy elements, and should try and make a mundane, average character in terms of backstory and abilities. So you know, I figured I'd have a little bit of fun right, so long as it didn't break the game.

Enter Thixx.

Thixx is a 30 year old slightly overweight African American single mom who works as a stripper in a high class gentleman's club to support her three children (after their father died in a tragic work-related accident). Due to her ghetto upbringing and matronly physique I made her have a high amount of physical strength and a great deal of willpower. This will be important later.

Anyway through a series of convoluted shenanigans I end up bumping into a renegade cop (another player) who saw something he shouldn't have, got kicked out of the force, and was investigating what he believed to be a child abuse ring with his team of misfits and weirdos (the rest of the party). After hearing that he believed the people he were looking for were situated somewhere in her neighborhood, Thixx (her actual name is Beatrice Deshawnie but no one ever called her that unless her kids were around (god forbid you messed that up) so its not important) decided to go full battle mom and help them investigate.

So anyway, through a series of investigations and general shenanigans we ended up finding the local daycare for street kids was actually a some kind of indoctrination center for what at the time we believed to be some kind of Charles Manson cult. Imagine our shock when we enter under the cover of darkness, sneak into the basement, and find a bunch of guys in green robes chanting in front of an old-looking well in the center of the room.

(cont'd)

SO ANYWAY, we manage fuck up and get discovered and a fight ensues, there's guns and bats with nails in them and crowbars being flung around, everyone is having a really bad time. But throughout the whole thing this one guy is reading a suspicious-looking book and standing in front of the well. We're finally starting win when this guy wraps up his chanting and a FUCKING FISHMAN springs out of the well, snarling and gibbering like something out of a nightmare. Most of the team and a lot of the cultist just stand there freaking out as the monster makes its entrance.

Except for mine.

You gotta remember, Thixx was born and raised in the hood. She's seen some shit. She developed an iron will and a tolerance of zero for any kind of bullshit. So what does she do in the face of such cosmic horror? She fucking decks it with a cry of "Aw HELL no!" and proceeds to use her purse (it had a brick in it) beat the Deep One into a coma with the fury only an enraged obese black lady can possess. When the dust settles and the other party members stop crying we realize that the well is starting to overflow on us and the sounds of scuttling things can be heard below, so we snag as many books as we can and leg it out of there. When we went back a couple hours later, everything including the well was gone, of course. But that's not important.

What is important is that from what we stole we managed to learn that this was a modern cult of Dagon that had been abducting kids and offering them up to deep ones, and had control over more or less the entire county, using it as a staging area to take over other parts of town and eventually the entire country, offering it up as a beach head for the terrible things lurking below. This sort of thing was clearly beyond our level. How could we possibly handle such a terrible foe with so few men? Well, I had an answer, and it let to a story arc that has since been termed "Cthulhu in the Hood" by the rest of the group.

(cont'd)

So yeah, doom awaits us and there's nothing we can do to stop it, things are looking grim. But remember, Thixx was born and raised in the ghetto. Everyone knows each other in there. She's watched over the children of her neighbors and kept them safe and out of trouble, stepped in to help when needed, and developed a massive list of families who she regularly associated with. And now all those little children had grown up, many of them into the new generation of pimps, gangers, and other thugs that tend to congregate in places like this. And guess what? They all owed her, big time. And when your mother (or mother from another mother in this case, I suppose) calls in a favor, you listen. So in a couple of hours Thixx had rounded up every gang in the projects and just about every other able-bodied denizen who had the fiery beat of street justice pounding in their hearts, and told them that there was a real dangerous pack of motherfuckers thinking they could waltz into our hood, act like they own the place, and do what they want with our children.

Naturally, they did not take this news very well.

Luckily for us, one of the documents we snagged gave a list of hideouts for the cult, so we had a means to plan our attack with out new army. Our party targeted the main hub, of course. And so began a massive street battle between a mysterious cult of an eldritch god and the local street gangs rallied together by an angry ghetto mom. To call it utter chaos was an understatement, especially when things started to go full Lovecraft. When the tentacles started showing up, things began to escalate. Many more guns than you would suspect started to show up in the hands of gang members, there were car chases between shoggoths and bright purple pimpmobiles, deep ones getting torn open by drive-by gunmen, and other shit you never thought you'd see in your life. Whatever three letter agency handled this was gonna have a hell of a time cleaning up the mess.

(cont'd)

And while this was going on, our own party had fought our way to the cult's HQ and was fighting a boss battle against the local high priest, a freaky dude who spoke in italics somehow and looked more fish than man at this point. We were doing well at first, somehow, but then he started to do some sanity-affecting shit that took our party members out of commission, one by one. Eventually we reached a point where it was just Thixx, tired and wounded, staring down the crazy cult leader. He was probably feeling pretty confident at this point, which was likely why he started to gloat, stating that her own children, which he somehow knew about, would make fine slaves for his Deep One masters after she had been dealt with. He would later regret this decision.

As you might guess, a really, really bad move for anyone is to threaten the lives of someone's children. And when the person you're threatening can stare down cosmic infinity and beat it to death with a weighted purse, this is an even worse idea. A short while and some borderline miraculous rolls later, my spur of the moment character that was never intended to deal with universe-shattering horror and user her trusty brick-enhanced purse to take down the leader of a cult of Dagon, breaking the power of the organization and saving the day.

The epilogue to this story is equally absurd. Everything got hushed up of course. A terrorist attack or something. All film was destroyed and the truth never got out to the public. But what about Thixx and those brave men and women who fought for freedom against seemingly unbeatable odds? Well, somewhere in the world, under government sponsorship, a weathered battalion of ghetto thugs in military hardware is kicking the shit out of a secret church of the old gods, and making mad bank as they do it.

So yes, the entire campaign was a clusterfuck from start to finish and I honestly have no idea how it managed to actually last the entire way. It was amazing though.

Our party consisted of a Russian man who owned a wolf beast as a pet, a monkey goblin who wanted to cure her tribe, a fantasy version of a Tyranid, a genie, and a Southern conman alchemist who sold shoddy potions to the public. If you can't tell, some of these players were still new to playing. It was our second attempt at a campaign, given two players dropped out because they didn't like how it was being run. Regardless, it was just the beginning intro of this second campaign.

The DM starts with a bar in a town, the monkey goblin, Tyranid, and Russian man inexplicably meet each other. Someone at the bar leaves behind a fancy lamp, Russian man picks it up and keeps it on his person, and he gets spoken to by the genie to release her. They all leave the bar and see the Southern man making a big scene about his "all-powerful potions". He slams the crowd with his charm (high charisma), and hauls in a shit ton of gold. The Russian man notices that this guy is talking out of his ass, and wants to make this bastard return the money he swindled out of everyone. The monkey goblin and Tyranid attempt to aid this guy, and thus shit begins to hit the fan.

The Tyranid, using his powers of hypnosis, convinces everyone that the salesman is, and I quote, "a big piece of chicken", so the entire crowd turns on him. He begins to make his escape, and the Russian man rides on his wolf beast to catch him. At this point, the guy pulled out a potion that allowed his charisma modifier to be added to saving throws. The Russian man summons the genie, who tries to grab him with her enlarged hands, but with saving throws over 30, he's able to escape basically everything. He's forced to beeline back to the town, past the crowd, down an alley, where the monkey goblin throws a paralyzing powder at him. Again, he escapes, and when he gets out of town, there's an NPC royal guard who arrests everyone because he's literally retarded.

First of all, I would like to say that my party wanted to be the good guys.

We were playing in the Ebberon setting, flying around in an airship doing traditional adventuring things when we made a stop in a rather prosperous town. After a bit of moseying and sightseeing, we discovered a magical museum detailing the Great War that ended 30 years ago. We visited, and ended up in a business deal with the owner to find a new addition located in a swamp temple on the other side of the continent. Like the idiots we were, we agreed to help find it.

In our attempts to pilot our airship to said temple, we attracted the attention of a god of chaos, who described our party as, "the unholy combination of a crusade and a pub crawl.". Naturally, he loved us, and provided us with a number of gifts, including a 2d tree that we set on fire and dropped into an abandoned town, paladin armor made from the stuff mood rings are made from, and a sentient animated rope.

We named the rope Pancakes.
(con't)

After about a week of fruitless searching, we discovered a weird pile of rocks in the swamp. After tying Pancakes to the paladin and giving him an encouraging shove, we were able to confirm that this was probably the temple we we're looking for, so we anchored the ship and went down to the sunken dungeon.

We should have understood what we we're up against when Pancakes got possessed.

One embarrassingly futile fight later, half the party was unconscious andone was set on fire, but we finally defeated the rope. Well, we fought it to a pitiful draw before it slithered away to worship Khorne or something, but it left us determined to find whatever we were sent to get. Thankfully, we were able to quickly locate the room, which consisted of a hollow stone altar that, according to the paladin's Detect Evil, needed to be destroyed. So we destroyed it.

Oh boy.

Apparently, the massive cloud of dark energy kept inside the altar didn't like the fact we destroyed its home, and attempted to surround and consume our captain, doing around 2d6 in negative energy each round.

A shame our captain was undead.

One boring "fight" later, the cloud was no more and we moved up to inspect the now broken altar to see what we good adventurers just won. Inside was a small wooden chest that another Detect Evil was so strong that it gave our paladin a nosebleed. This time, we were smart enough to utilize the Great Big Bag of Do Not Touch™, and carefully extracted it out of the temple before deciding our next step.

We were not going back to the museum, because that guy probably knew what was guarding it. We weren't going to put it back, because that would mean we would have to go back down there. After a while, it was decided to take it to the Church of the Silver Flame, who should be able to identify and dispose of whatever we found.

Apparently they do not like it when you knowingly bring evil artifacts to their capital, because they immediately met us at the docks with a battalion of clerics. They calmed down a bit after we explained our reasoning and admitted to our incompetence, and whisked the artifact away while giving us the "suggestion" to figure out WHY the weird museum guy wanted us to trek halfway around the world for a mysterious artifact. So we went back to the city and did a bit of detective skill with all the subtlety of murderhobos trying to be detectives.

It's f****** Cthulhu.

After politely saying our goodbyes with happy faces and emptied bank accounts, we calmly boarded our ship and ran back screaming to the Church. After explaining the situation, they promised to help only if we make sure all Good people are not in the city when the fighting starts. That was good, because the one sole good man in the city accidentally died last night in a way that was most definitely not our fault. The Church was unimpressed, and ordered us to transport one of the battalions to the city in the first push.

By now, we were guessing that we weren't going to survive this, so we decided to end this TPK not only on our terms, but with a bang. After buying, bartering, trading, and outright stealing every magical artifact we could find, we loaded up the front of our ship with them, loaded up the angry clerics, and flew off to battle. Upon reaching the city and coming under ungodly amounts of fire, we flew above the clouds, angled the ship to the museum, and went full speed ahead.

Now, before the ship makes contact, I would like to go over what is happening. The ship is about to hit what?
>Museum
A museum filled with what?
>Magical items
When magic items get destroyed, what do they do?
>Explode
So, when we hit a museum filled with magic items with a ship filled with magic items on top of Cthulhu, we are about to cause what?
>Second Impact

After that little fiasco, we talked to the DM. He was honestly impressed with how we, in his words, "managed to find the single absolute end game scenario in campaign and sprint like a madman to reach it."

We didn't even make level 4.

Uh, ok, this won't be the BEST story, but here I go. There was this one time I was running a drinking variant of Lasers and Feelings where shit got a little more absurd than I had hoped for. The party consisted of a sentient ladybug-man, a carpentry-skilled AI turned red leather sofa and I'll be fucked if I remember the third PC. Probably something equally ridiculous. They got caught in a space cow-tornado outside of a hot molten lava planet full of squirrels, and after the bugman sacrificed his thumbs to seal up a few holes in the hull, had to do an emergency landing there, when they were attacked by... something or other. A giant crab trucker joined the scrap at the landing pad on the partys side, as the pad receded into the planets surface, where they've been greeted by the space squirrels and gifted a barrel of stank ale from the crab trucker. The whole planet was a little unstable, so there were occasional shakes which every now and then dropped a piece of ceiling on a squirrel or two. There was also a squirrel mariachi band. And a sentient bench that talked ebonics at PCs. And at one point a squirrel jumped down the three, and it was smoking from its ass, which the AI tried to remedy only to impale the fucker on its mechatentacle. I think they got introduced to the danger looming over the planet, that being The Ugly Car having kidnapped a full kindergarten of squirrelings to sacrifice to Satan so he would smash the planet with a meteor. For some reason. So they went and trucked across the planet, eventually coming across the owner of the bar we were in at the moment, who they bribed with the barrel of stank ale they had.

cont.

Then they were stopped by a pool of liquid mantis. Details of how they killed it elude me, but I distinctly remember the Sofa AI having drawn "necrophiliac" as one of the character traits, and it raped the... pool of dead liquid mantis, by driving into it and doing a mockery of teabagging, raising and lowering itself in the pool on hydraulics. Then they finally arrived at the villains gates, which had a treadmill lock. They weren't fast enough to open it, so they let the pocket-sized Behemoth metal band run along them, and that was enough. They were in the villains lair. Here the story ends anticlimatically because at this point the game sort of petered out after a pretty fun evening.
Someone may have also raised objections to the theme of kindergarten squirrel rape that was drawn as the villains method.

I don't think it counts as a full Henderson if your GM moved the plot along with no fuss

>I had no fucking idea we were playing Call of Cthulhu. He even gave me the stat sheets and everything
Bullshit. What other game has a SAN score, investigators web... and Call of Cthulhu printed in bold in the middle of the sheet?

I never played it before and he made sheets that got rid of stuff that would give away the name. My DM is autistic and I deliberately try to avoid being spoiled on things. I mean he revealed we were doing CoC pretty quick into the session but during character creation I had no idea.

>a fantasy version of a Tyranid
Wait, what?

So he became a Binding of Isaac character? I can dig it.

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