Fuck Tolkien Elves

Fuck those wispy nordic underwear models, acting all high and mighty and advanced while living in trees. They're supposed to be all in tune with nature and shit but wearing silk underwear and silver nipple rings ain't fucking in tune with nature, unless your nature is an LA gay club.

Elves should be fucking terrifying primal tribesmen with super human abilities and innate shamanistic powers.

First, if they're in tune with nature they should share nature's outlook, namely Survival of the Fittest. The strong, the smart, the quick and the tenacious survive while all others are eaten or starve. Imagine a sapient pack of wolves, working together under the guidance of an alpha who got his position by fighting his way to the top and holding off all challengers, a sort of violent meritocracy. They would trade and deal with those who they realize are part of a large, powerful nation and could destroy them, but individuals have equal chance of just being killed if they have something the elves want. There is no honor and no mercy, only violence or the pragmatic restraint of violence.

Second, these are beings that don't age or sicken, that never seem to tire, that have superhuman grace and coordination and speed. They wouldn't ride horses or any kind of animal, except for tactical reasons. Because horses would slow them down. In the forests they would be unstoppable. Imagine fighting something that can run as fast as a charging horse, swing through the trees like an ape on meth, cross rough terrain like it was flat concrete and could put an arrow through your eye from a quarter mile away. And they hunt in packs. Even on open ground they'd move in a coordinated pack, taking down targets like wolves taking down a moose, harrying them, striking and distracting and striking again.

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Best elves are dwarves.

The nature of elves and middle earth isn't the same nature as our earth. That's why elves were the way they were. They weren't subject to the same base forces like evolution as we are.

Third, these bastards are magically connected to nature. They're literally born with shamanistic or Druid powers and would probably understand them on a level that human nature magic users couldn't comprehend. Imagine hunting or war parties of elves in huge drum circles, chanting and dancing, lost in a trance as roots and stone form themselves into armor or weapons. Spears tipped with points made from sacrificial blood, the carbon magically transmuted into diamond. Vines that leap from trees to offer hand holds, ground that clears or even surges up under their feet to push them along, trees limbs that knit and cut off the retreat of their enemies.


Now, imagine you're standing on some castle wall and in the distance you see a cloud of dust. And after a moment you can make out a horde, a pack of elves a thousand strong, running on feet or all fours, towards you. They're naked, except for the ritual paint, carrying spears and bows and arrows on straps. They move as fast as charging cavalry and you can hear them, chanting in unison, their voices perfectly synced. In their wake flowers and trees are sprouting along with thick thorn vines like organic barbed wire, to prevent anyone from fleeing. And as they get closer, the chanting reaches a fevered pitch and trees begin to sprout from beneath the wall, pushing stones away and collapsing sections, opening the fortress up. And then they're on you, leaping and climbing vertical stone walls with ease. Their ritual paint calls forth plates of stone to block any attack that might hit them, but they move with such erratic animal speed that few blows ever have a chance.

Thats what fucking elves should be. Also probably cannibals.

Fuck Tolkien Style elves then. Stop copying his shit with none of the fucking backstory.

I prefer highly urbanized elves with a penchant for new technology and stuffing thousands of themselves into tiny spaces, all while mocking and ridiculing other races for not being as advanced and "culturally elegant" as they are.

Like an unholy fusion of the Chinese and the French.

Also they like boats. they like boats a lot. Especially boats with cannon on them; and copper bottoms, because merfolk are faggots.

Did an elf insult your mother or something?

Face it... desert gypsy elves are the best.

Hm...Nah.

Un-fucking-beatable thingy/faction ain't fun. Not as enemies and even less as playable things.

>Unbeatable

No one likes a fucking quitter. Rise to adversity, don't shrink from it. This is why your mother left.