Fuck Tolkien Elves

Fuck those wispy nordic underwear models, acting all high and mighty and advanced while living in trees. They're supposed to be all in tune with nature and shit but wearing silk underwear and silver nipple rings ain't fucking in tune with nature, unless your nature is an LA gay club.

Elves should be fucking terrifying primal tribesmen with super human abilities and innate shamanistic powers.

First, if they're in tune with nature they should share nature's outlook, namely Survival of the Fittest. The strong, the smart, the quick and the tenacious survive while all others are eaten or starve. Imagine a sapient pack of wolves, working together under the guidance of an alpha who got his position by fighting his way to the top and holding off all challengers, a sort of violent meritocracy. They would trade and deal with those who they realize are part of a large, powerful nation and could destroy them, but individuals have equal chance of just being killed if they have something the elves want. There is no honor and no mercy, only violence or the pragmatic restraint of violence.

Second, these are beings that don't age or sicken, that never seem to tire, that have superhuman grace and coordination and speed. They wouldn't ride horses or any kind of animal, except for tactical reasons. Because horses would slow them down. In the forests they would be unstoppable. Imagine fighting something that can run as fast as a charging horse, swing through the trees like an ape on meth, cross rough terrain like it was flat concrete and could put an arrow through your eye from a quarter mile away. And they hunt in packs. Even on open ground they'd move in a coordinated pack, taking down targets like wolves taking down a moose, harrying them, striking and distracting and striking again.

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Best elves are dwarves.

The nature of elves and middle earth isn't the same nature as our earth. That's why elves were the way they were. They weren't subject to the same base forces like evolution as we are.

Third, these bastards are magically connected to nature. They're literally born with shamanistic or Druid powers and would probably understand them on a level that human nature magic users couldn't comprehend. Imagine hunting or war parties of elves in huge drum circles, chanting and dancing, lost in a trance as roots and stone form themselves into armor or weapons. Spears tipped with points made from sacrificial blood, the carbon magically transmuted into diamond. Vines that leap from trees to offer hand holds, ground that clears or even surges up under their feet to push them along, trees limbs that knit and cut off the retreat of their enemies.


Now, imagine you're standing on some castle wall and in the distance you see a cloud of dust. And after a moment you can make out a horde, a pack of elves a thousand strong, running on feet or all fours, towards you. They're naked, except for the ritual paint, carrying spears and bows and arrows on straps. They move as fast as charging cavalry and you can hear them, chanting in unison, their voices perfectly synced. In their wake flowers and trees are sprouting along with thick thorn vines like organic barbed wire, to prevent anyone from fleeing. And as they get closer, the chanting reaches a fevered pitch and trees begin to sprout from beneath the wall, pushing stones away and collapsing sections, opening the fortress up. And then they're on you, leaping and climbing vertical stone walls with ease. Their ritual paint calls forth plates of stone to block any attack that might hit them, but they move with such erratic animal speed that few blows ever have a chance.

Thats what fucking elves should be. Also probably cannibals.

Fuck Tolkien Style elves then. Stop copying his shit with none of the fucking backstory.

I prefer highly urbanized elves with a penchant for new technology and stuffing thousands of themselves into tiny spaces, all while mocking and ridiculing other races for not being as advanced and "culturally elegant" as they are.

Like an unholy fusion of the Chinese and the French.

Also they like boats. they like boats a lot. Especially boats with cannon on them; and copper bottoms, because merfolk are faggots.

Did an elf insult your mother or something?

Face it... desert gypsy elves are the best.

Hm...Nah.

Un-fucking-beatable thingy/faction ain't fun. Not as enemies and even less as playable things.

>Unbeatable

No one likes a fucking quitter. Rise to adversity, don't shrink from it. This is why your mother left.

I like both of those things seperate. Not sure how they’d work together. I base my sand elves on berbers and Bedouin.

Elves SHOULD be like THIS!

Autism.

>Elf
>Brown
>Hijab

Stop. My penis can only get so erect.

>murder hippy mary sue - the race

>Take a race to logical ends rather than giving them tons of powers they never use
>Mary sue

Not my fault generic fantasy is extremely unimaginative.

>hates Elves
>makes something nothing like Elves
>still calls them Elves
This shit was already old in the 90s, kid.

This post reeks of insecurity. What kind of lift package did you put on your chevy?

>Elves can only be what Tolkien says they are

I own a fucking 10 year old Scion, try again.

You don't even fucking know what he says they are for fuck's sake. I bet you've never read a page of Tolkien.

>nipple rings
>silk underwear
>live in trees
>nature is survival of the fittest
>can run as fast as a horse
>never tire
>druids/shamans

"
"""""""Tolkien Elves""""""""

>Like an unholy fusion of the Chinese and the French.

You mean Japan?

...

So you want the Fair Folk?
That's basically what Elves were in old, OLD folklore - crazy shamanistic people who were either disturbingly unnatural looking or disturbingly perfect looking,
You didn't interact with the Fair Folk. You didn't talk to the Fair Folk. Anybody who did was either a desperate idiot in which case they were probably going to get killed and eaten, or a magical idiot in which case they were to be feared and ignored in equal measure.

And god help you if ever you stepped into the Fair Folk's lands.

Survival of the fittest is a 19th century meme that doesn't reflect anything resembling natural orders. Go jack off to reactionary fantasies on some other board you alkaline scented dweeb

>yo fuck that fucking shit
I know I can safely not read the rest of your post

>monoculture race

Tolkien Elves are the master race. Elf history is just them doing over the top awesome shit until they got bored and left to go to heaven.

no.

Some one has not read up on the main myth sources of the modern elves. The Tuath Dé of Celtic myth and vanir of myth Norse.

Both of those are races of near godlike being who are not in tune with nature but rather above nature. It was a relationship of master and servant. They also had nicer things then what mere humans mostly have, because they can either make it or force humans to make for them. In the myths both of races knew much but were not wise in there use of power. Thus both lost their places in the world.

I don't think you actually ever read Tolkien if that's what you think Tolkien's elves are. Like, I get it, you're railing against the thousand copycats that tried to cash in on Tolkien's aesthetic that led to the bizarre concept of "standard fantasy".

But that's not what Tolkien's elves are, you dumb shit.

I prefer ES Highelves or AD&D Gray Elves. Also, fuck you.

That's wood elves, or satyrs.

Divinity Original Sin 2 got elves right. They can even eat body parts to absorb their memories

Must say that was really refreshing.

Here we go again

>Elves are a "race"
>Elves are alien demigods

Pick one and stick to it

>First, if they're in tune with nature they should share nature's outlook, namely Survival of the Fittest.

>The strong, the smart, the quick and the tenacious survive while all others are eaten or starve. Imagine a sapient pack of wolves, working together under the guidance of an alpha who got his position by fighting his way to the top and holding off all challengers, a sort of violent meritocracy.
youtube.com/watch?v=tNtFgdwTsbU

Shadow of the Demon Lord has neat Elves.

Especially since they're not on the corebook.

And when some Elf Fag finally gets their hands on the sourcebook that does have Elves?
They cry because they ain't Tolkien elves. Infact, they're classic Elves. Y'know, the creepy sort.

>under the guidance of an alpha
Congrats for using a very outdated idea of how wolves work, which even the author discarded

Oh, forgot to mention that you have a retarded edgelord's idea on what nature
>muh survival of the fittest lmao
Lazy housecats could be considered the fittest. They sure do fucking great, having another species take care of their every whim.
Elves should be lazy freeloaders that humans. It's taking nature to muh logical extreme

t. biologist

*that humans love

Yes, I thought Children of the Forest from GoT were a nice take on elves.

No. I choose a third option: Elves are.the mythology made physical. A folkloric explanation of why some magical, or mystical thing exists.

alien demigods it is then

Nah. They sucked.

not bloodthirsty and alien enough

Are you one of those people that say "evolution is a theory" and have no idea what "theory" means in a scientific context?

Your logic is basically just nerd logic, not real logic. Sorry.

OP is a fucking autist, Jesus that shit hurt the read. Between the desperate contrarianism of "my elves are unique", the PAINFUL rape of every single most basic common sense understanding of biology and nature, the obvious edgyness of it all, and the utter pointlessness of the whole concept being called: this shit just flat out hurts to read.

Is this supposed to be a satire by any chance?

First of all, OP: there is not a SINGLE thing logical about what you described. It's not even vaguely related to the mythological image of an elf through out european folklore.

Second of all, if you think that shit is imaginative... think again.

It’s possible, but it’s also strongly possible he’s one those “creative” people that strongly lacks a sense of irony or self-awareness.

>alien demigods it is then
As a lithmus test I could have alien demigods in my game that are not elves. Thus you could as well said "a race it is then" and be just as wrong.

I really want to know where that "old folklore" you describe comes from. Because reading quite a lot about the history of the fairy and elf mythology through out the entirety of Europe, I have never come across anything like what you describe. It really sounds suspiciously like coming entirely out of your ass.

>Survival of the fittest

You mean the same nature that brought us the dodo and the Panda? Survival of the fittest simply means that the best adapted to survive will keep surviving, no more, no less. Only the strongest is a massive simplification.

>Imagine an alpha wolf

Wolves don't actually work like that. Do yourself a favour and do some reading.


You can have your "muh speshul elves!" all you like, but please don't pretend like it's more natural or makes more sense in some way.

Whatever, Im not trying to diss on your elves, "alien demigods" is just an hyperbolic shorthand, my point is that you cant have bizarre and/or powerful elves and still consider them the a "race" unless you want to have them come off as complete mary sues that shouldnt be avaible as playable characters anyway.

...

been in a shitty mood.
You lightened up my mood.
thanks bro

I think you got it completely wrong what Tolkien elves are about, probably more based on the movies than the books, and also several things other anons pointed out. Yet I rather take your version than making the generic wood elves some faggy hippies that have it so much nicer than anyone else despite the fact that they live in the wild, and their realm is some sparkly shiny hidden kingdom that has the living conditions of the first world because sparkly shiny magic makes live too easy.

There is some merit to your ideas. We just don't need to get into the complete other extreme.

And you know what else they should?
Wield Katana. Not those fucking lame ass bastard swords.

Tolkien elves are not example of nature's might. They are the chosen people created by the gods in their own image and were supposed to be perfect inhabitants of a perfect world.
Norse elves are literal dwarves

So in short, your point is moot

>can't handle strong enemies

Get out of here you fucking casul, you sicken me

That's pretty much how I'd do my elves if I ever ran a game desu. With a shitton of Finnic shamanism on top.

That's what my humans are like. Might is right Tribal Barbarians.

My elves are genetically mutated creatures formed by an alien race to advance civilisation. They were designed to be the leaders, diplomats, artist and musicians and philosophers of society.

this is lame, elves come from myths about faeries / fae and should be made more in line with those, not less. cold, otherworldly, aversion to iron, member of the seelie or unseelie court. thats the mythology elves are drawn from, not your wild man of the woods shit. save that for something else.

dude look up basically anything fairy related that's pre-1700s

I would probably agree if you didn't say it like an insufferable prick

The Unseelie Court of Scottish folklore - they literally take pleasure in bringing harm to humans through one way or another. Hell, even the Seelie Court, the "nicer" Fair Folk, who were still considered dangerous if not outright malicious.

The Welsh have the Tylwyth Teg, who would kidnap human children and leave changelings in their place. I have vague recollection of a story about a woman who's child as died asking for a child from the Fair Folk and receiving a changeling child - whom never aged. A child she had asked for, and a child she had been given - though anecdotal evidence doesn't account for much now, does it?

There's a bunch of stories about protective charms to guard against the fair folk - if you need a reason to protect yourself, that implies they're dangerous. Besides just avoiding places the fair folk were supposed to live, amongst those are St John's Wart, church bells, or most commonly, bread.
Fair Folk were blamed for all kinds of maladies back when - the advent of tuberculosis, pretty much any psychological illness you can think of, people going missing; because the Fair Folk were malicious at best and dangerous at worst.

Google literally any of these things, and you'll find your malicious elves.

Aren't Asrai good enough?

The best thing about this pic is that I'm still not 100% sure if that girl will make it out alive. Probably, but you can never know.

Absolute cringe, lad.

...

You're just angry Tolkien was better at your hobby than you.

>Elves should be fucking terrifying primal tribesmen with super human abilities and innate shamanistic powers.

Not even close. Elves are higher-dimensional beings of beauty and purity.

I bet she is a Bretonnian Damsel, she will.

There are so many things wrong with what you think you're talking about that it makes it abundantly clear you haven't read Tolkien.

>elves are mary-sues and cringy
> to make them good they should be even more mary-sueishy and cringier.

I agree.

Isn't this just the Ork stereotype?

>while living in trees
Two of the biggest elven kingdoms were underground.

Was with you until the last paragraph, could be a cool idea but not if they're all fanwank Villain Sues.

The funniest thing about the "Tolkien hippy wood elves" meme is that the Teleri descended Nandor and Sindar, the wood-elves of wood-elves as it were, are consistently shown to have logical barriers to adopting the civilization of the Noldor like "not being able to just ask Aule how to make stuff", "being harassed and murdered by the Orcs or worse" and "the Noldor being gigantic imperialist dicks".

And for being so primitive and rustic the Teleri suffer horrendously, in the Kinslaying, in the wars of Morgoth and Beleriand, and in the deaths of Oropher and Amdir in the Last Alliance. Sindar are straight-up the redshirts of the elvish kindreds.

Tolkien's imitators and detractors seem to forget the /reason/ why Melian and Nimrodel and so on are "hippies". They flee the touch of Middle-Earth because they're haunted by the shell-shock and endless missing loved ones.

This shit's been done before, and it isn't nearly as interesting as you think it is.

>Elves intentionally turn themselves into slaves/pets meant for domestic human ownership
Yeah, I can see it.

You're right. Noldor are best elves.

Boat elves can eat shit

And the best was a city in the mountains. Thinking back, none of the wood elf factions live in trees, they all have underground cities, and the Noldor either build fortresses or palatial cities, Elrond had a mansion/villa, Cirdan had a big harbor, with only Galadriel and the elves of lothlorien actually living in trees.

Ok write your own setting where all of that takes place. Leave J.R.R. alone - he's had a hard life.

What you are describing is Blizzard's Night Elves before they were defanged as a faction into purple waifus.

If they cared about technology though, wouldn't they have computers by the time humanity had full plate armor? You know, given elves live for thousands of years and stubborn conservatism is usually the only thing keeping them from rapidly outpacing humanity/dwarves.

You'd probably like Song of Swords.

>elves with boats
You' like Song of Swords a lot.

>Fuck Tolkien Elves
Aren't you gonna buy me dinner first?

>elves come from myths about faeries / fae
No they don't. I don't get why this is so hard to grasp,

I want Moorcock to go and stay go.

Because it's such a widespread meme? Mind illuminating the public?

I'm not him, but last I checked the modern conception for elves is heavily based off the Ljósálfr from Old Norse mythology.

They're not Elves If they aren't even recognizable as elves anymore. They're just some shit you made up and decided to call elves. Also, while there are some differences, Tolkien elves are directly pulled from Scandinavian mythology, which are the original Elves. So what you're trying to do would be the equivalent of describing some race that In no way resembles or acts like cyclops In Greek mythology where It originated, then still calling It a cyclops.

So are elves fae, or are they not?

No, fae are fucking Celtic, Elves are Scandanavian.

No, I nerfed their lifespans to be only somewhat longer than a humans - their 100 is our seventy. So rarely an elf will live to be 120, though it's not unheard of (on occasion a royal reaches that age, or a particularly lucky and hale peasant/noble.)

And the majority of elves die of disease or famine before reaching that age anyway. Or worse, yet another trade war springs up and the elves have to burn another crop of strapping young lads trying to keep trade routes with the dwarves open (dwarven assistance optional, must match human suppliers plus tax).

Generally it's the dwarves and humans who do a lot of the land innovation - but the elves have dominance on the seas because of their Galleons. The elves also spawn a lot of pirates, which only gives the human empire yet another reason to fail to invade the islands a sixth time.

Pic related is a map I made about 6 billion years ago, but the general geography of the place hasn't changed much.


>You'll like Song of Swords a lot.
That depends. Does it involve Elvish pirates fighting orcish ninja? If yes, sign me up.

Yes and no. As has already been mentioned, the proper origin of elves is from Scandinavia. However, the term 'elf' is occasionally used British/Celtic folklore as a synonym for 'fairy' or other generic fae-like being (e.g., brownie, hobgoblin, etc).

Well if they did that I'd actually have to play them in any game they showed up in. But they're not (and there's good reasons in universe why they're not).