Be Imperial Guard

>Be Sister
>get worn by Grey Knight

>be Guevesa
>live because of sensible tactics and superior technology
>be remembered as a hero by the Tau Empire and inspire incredible butthurt in your enemies, the Imperium of Man

>Manlet marines eternally butthurt
>No longer ANY doubt that marines are fuckhuge tall
These reasons alone are enough for me to forgive primaris marines their many sins.

>live because of sensible tactics and superior technology

Is it really sensible to completely neglect melee if it's a setting where melee combat not only works but is effective? That seems more like those MTG players who get angry about other decks winning because they're not 'Playing Right'.

>BE ORK!
>BE DA BEST!
>WAAAGH!

Melee works for superpowered death machines and endless-wave tactics where survival doesn't even register. For normal, average soldiers, melee is a last ditch, desperation move before you're brutally murdered by aforementioned superpowered death machines and/or endless waves.

>Get sent to die by the billions against unfathomable enemies
>Get killed horribly by some alien or daemonic monstrosity while pissing your pants and crying
>Be just a number in a spreadsheet some administrator clicked on
>Die only to slow the enemies down until the Marines arrive and take all the credit, with the help of the IG not even being mentioned in the official reports
>Your life is worth less than your flashlight
>Be even likelier to die by your own COs if you try to run than by the enemy
>Know that your death is just as likely to be a miscalculation by some officer sectors away
But m-muh steel balls!

>Be Imperial Guard
>Grow Balls of Steel

I once had a guardsman sgt punch out Ghazghkull Thraka. Many of your bros will die cuz the odds are always unfair. Sometimes though, they might just become heroes.

Man that Pulse Carbine looks so sexy

Will the knees option result in the dying part to happen a little bit later? Because that makes a difference.

Standing, commissar, sir!

>be Guevesa
>be neutered by your Tau masters

To compound on what said, the Tau use their strengths to cover their weaknesses. Yes, they are terrible at melee, but they have the range and the mobility to ensure that melee almost never happens.

>rebel in the Tau Empire
>they only neuter you after you surrender
>rebel in the Imperium of Man
>they kill you, your wife, your children, your dog, and all memory and history of you is erased forever

Him being retconned was Chaos propaganda. The "ruinous" powers couldn't stand that their greatest champion ever and mightiest servant could be stalled by some fucking dude with a flashlight, so they fucked around with imperial records.
Saint Ollanius Pius was real and it was him, not fucking Sanguinius, that breached the Traitor's armour so that big E could ban him from reality.

>the tau never discreetly silence dissidents or problem elements

No. The commissar will shoot you for being a coward or the xenos or chaos spawn will murder you

>drive a leman russ
>fly a valkyrie
>fire a deathstrike
>drive a fucking baneblade
>burn down everything with a hellhound
Buh guardsmen all suck and d-die right?

At least I die with my fucking balls attached.
Fuck Xenos, fuck heretics and fuck mutants.

>superior technology

Just like the Kroot?

>be remembered as a good ally

FTFY

This pleases Slaanesh.

Everything pleases slaanesh

>drive a leman russ
>get killed because commander wanted to hit them with his sword
>fly a valkyrie
>be Navy
>fire a deathstrike
>at an enemy 100 feet away
>drive a fucking baneblade
>confused how you're representing Guard as a whole
>burn down everything with a hellhound
>take a shrapnel to the tank and blow up

>Be Tau fire warrior
>Shoot at Tyranids
>Tyranids charge my squad
>ohshit.jpg
>try to punch tyranid
>miss
>ohfuckohfuckohfuck.jpg
>Die

Blue balls don't .
Fuck everyone except slaaneshi filth.

>Be Tau
>have problem with tyranids
>suddenly those metal skeletons come to aid you
>invite them to feast afterwards
>they kill you
>die, because you are fuckin XENO

I'm in

I never understood why an Imperial would ever join the Tau. Your immortal soul is danger if you leave the sovereignty of the Emperor. Also psykers and other madness that only the Imperium can combat.
What is a Great Good compared to a Good that is Divine?

>be retconned
why?

>human
>fire warrior
I'm sorry, pulse equipment and fire warrior carapace is restricted to gue'vesa'ui and above only. Enjoy your autogun.

>surrender
pussy

>Just like the Kroot?
The Kroot were given technology to improve their signature hunting rifles and are proud of their traditional way of life. And the Tau respect that.

The human population in the Tau Empire should be ridden with Chaos Cults because of all those unsanctioned psykers.

And yet they’re not. Makes you think, doesn’t it?

It’s the uptight cultures that produce the worst behavior. Just ask the Archdiocese of Dublin.

Nah it's just bad writing or a oppurtinity for a chaos ivasion into the human parts of the Tau empire.
The Interex is the faction you are looking for, because they did nothing wrong.
In my opinion Tau have to learn how unforgiving and cruel the 40k universe is.

>be Centurion
>not actually Rogal Dorn

Life as a Guevesa and life in the Interex probably had a lot in common. You don’t think the comparatively stifling and miserable lot of Imperial citizens couldn’t have anything to do with how often cults erupt there?

You forgot:
>Report for duty to your glorious Emperor

>Blue balls don't .
You've clearly never heard of the Orgasm Denial fetish...

this will always stand as the worst retcon in all of 40k

bleh, why did they introduce these? Just steals thunder from the tau and they just look like awkward terminator armor

The tau have never neutered anyone. Dawn of war soul storm isnt canon

Pious was retconned long ago. Index astartes (~2000) made him an imperial fist and collected visions (~2005) made him a custodes

BL actually brought him back albeit as an immortal

GW barely acknowledges them anymore they aren't even listed in space marine armories in rule books

interesting, do you know why this is?

Because nobody bought them

Primaris and particularly aggressors have pretty much replaced them

Then why does Gabriel Angelos have a model? The Dawn of War series is canon

Depends, I hear the Dark Eldar can sustain you for centuries if they want to.....

>Be Custodian
>Have raunchy sex with your eternally angry Silent Sister GF and debate theology and philosophy with other Chadstodes

>denying the sheer awesome of the imperium
>shitpost about it
>choke on the salt and tears
Xenos eternally BTFO

>be Sororitas
>greet the nice new lads here at the Orphanarium before they head on to commissar and stormtrooper training.

Because they watched Mecha Anime and the Greater Good appeals to their autistic communist sympathies.

>be Squat
>get squatted

>be Sororitas
>be woefully underrepresented both in-universe and IRL because ancient monopose models are horseshit

...

anti guard fags are gonna shit all over any 'reasonable marines' approach to guard. because anti guard fags are either eldar loving heretics, or tau faggots, or MUH MUHRINEZ IS DA BEST fanboys.

...

b

u

In bed surrounded by whores

The Guevesa still worship the Emperor, they just aren't as radical about it. Sort of like how you got ISIS and then you have the non-terrorist muslims.