Veeky Forums Horror Stories

I once had a roommate who would age American cheese slices in his room. Said they tasted like cheddar after a week.

His room smelt like shit.

You can't fool me, oh pee

I feel sick

I have a couple

>Living with ex buddy
>Often eat wings
>Eat mine with relative ease as an adult does
>Friend takes twice as long as everyone else, sauce all over face and hands with a perpetual look of confusion, sheepishly pecks at the wings while making noises before trying to slice them all of up with a fork and knife before not eating any of it
>I am hungry guys....

>Eueropean house guest
>They bring home something in a bag
>What is that? I ask
>Dinner! They say
>It's a sparrow they shot in the back yard
>They eat it

>roommate was a lazy cunt
>no vehicle or license
>dropped out of A FUCKING PSYCH program at uni because "it's bullshit, i already know i could do a better job than most psychiatrists"
>always complains that i treat him badly (drive his ass to the store, lend him money I never got back)
>one day, he complains that my chicken and pancetta smells pretty good and heavily drops hints that he wants some, looking at me like he never gets anything in life
>tell him i'll make him supper tonight if he makes it tomorrow
>hope this gets him to start cooking so he can get his foot in the door of being an adult
>he puts a frozen pizza in the oven
>says he put a "delicious twist" on it
>all he did was sprinkle chili powder on top
>says he wants me to cook for him more often and he'll cook too
>"but only if you pitch in 5 bucks each night, pizza is expensive"
>he proceeds to ramble on about opening a """""homemade""""" pizza joint

He proceeded to get kicked out of the building when he threw a punch at the landlord's fiance in a game of Call of Cthulhu.

You sound like jerk.

Seconding this A jerk and a dream squasher. Lighten the fuck up, user.

My roommate always makes sure to pop up in the kitchen during mealtimes, ask me what I'm cooking and then proceed to make unsolicited comments and blather.
Every single time.
I respond with grunts, yet she keeps this up.
Am I autistic for thinking she should just mind her own damn business?

You need to assert yourself.
Go to her room in the morning while she is in the bathroom, assume your position, wait until she comes back in the room and release a master fart on her pillow. Whisper 'enjoy your pinkeye'.

Butch will probably move out too

>implying I'd want to go into her stinky room
Some doors are better left closed.

Yes, you do sound autistic

Cunt
Ccunt

youtu.be/ORw0eWWmfFM

wtf
There's nothing to eat on a sparrow

>I'm Italian and therefore very anal about pizza being made the proper way
>I once found myself in the situation of having to make pizza for a dozen of europeans of various nationalities
>busted my ass in order to get decent ingredients and adapt toppings in bongland
>German chick comes up to me
>blah blah I'm vegetarian
>that's ok ill make a margherita just for you
>pizza turns out great
>I hand the German chick her margherita
>she proceeds to go to the counter, grab a motherfucking banana and slice it raw on the top of the best pizza she's ever had the chance to eat in her life
>"oh I just love it this way"
>had to look away from her the whole time she was eating because I was legit tearing up

My roommate only eats microwave meals and ice cream

Why is there a box of cereal in the freezer? And what's with all the plastic bags?

Those are empty boxes not a freezer. She likes to save plastic bags

I was just thinking about how much cardboard I throw away and if there would be a way to like, cook it or make it edible so it's not wasted.

...

Can't eat it, it's mostly wood pulp aka cellulose which humans cannot digest. You can compost it though.

That's one of the funnier things I've read in awhile

I take it back, this is the funniest thing I've read in awhile lol a fucking sparrow.

>Germans

my roommate used to have sex with her boyfriend in the kitchen every saturday

Germans aren't human

>exploration of topics under discussion are not allowed

It pertains to the subject matter, it is his opinion. Yet you believe it doesn't belong?

Grade A thundercunt over here!

>Drive 70 miles to sister in laws house to drop off nephews from fun nephew weekend
>Traffic heading back is fucked, so decide to stay for dinner and hang out an hour or two.
>We're having tacos!
>they are boiling frozen chicken breasts in a big stock pot
>I am serious, this shit took like 2 hours.
>they shed the cooked chicken with two forks on a Teflon griddle
>they finally season the chicken and cook it AGAIN on the griddle. Dry as fuck now
>at this point I get a text asking me what the fuck is taking so long as it has been like 3 hours
>ok now we just have to fry the corn tortillas
>this is another fucking 30 minutes
Why would you cook chicken like that???

...

>She likes to save plastic bags
What the hell? Is your roommate a fucking 70 year old black lady?

yes

I'm deadpool

She isn't black but she is a very thrifty older woman

Top fucking kek

I save plastic bags for small trash cans you mongoloid what the fuck

laziness

Yeah, but do you have a tidy designated spot for them, or do you just have them in a pile on the floor under another pile of trash, because there is a subtle difference.

She also eats a lot of trail mix but I don't think she really likes raisins

Yes I have a tiny dedicated drawer that I just mash them in to.

chicks are so stupid what the fuck

Put them in a used tissue box, it saves drawer space.

...

She also has a large amount of expired food items. Take this container of squeezable mayo for example

I don't have anything too bad

I had an obese diabetic mother that put so much sugar in pasta that it tasted like a weird dessert

One time she made chili by throwing basic chili ingredients with no cumin into a pot and then added a bunch of brown sugar until it tasted like molasses but the canned beans she used were four years expired and tasted like metal and we all pretended to like it because she was a borderline personality nutcase

Wouldn't that make you ill??

How many can you fit in one box?
Also where I live we only have paper bags cause our mayor is a dumbass

Dude she's a fucking hoarder.

Plastic bags depend on the thickness and size of the tissue box, but medium thickness bags and a large box, easily 50.

Since you have paper bags only it won't matter. At least paper bags are environmentally friendly since the carbon stored in the bags is taken out of the atmosphere and as long as you replant trees you're combating climate change.

>proceed to make unsolicited comments and blather.

So your roommate wanted to talk around food like a normal well adjusted human being? Yes you are autistic.

>He proceeded to get kicked out of the building when he threw a punch at the landlord's fiance in a game of Call of Cthulhu.
Now you're obligated to tell that story as well.

>crying because someone added something to a pizza that they like
I'd be chugging your tears to wash down that pizza, user.

>large family gathering
>30 + people
>homemade lasagna is promised by, lets call him "Jack"
>everyone looking forward to lasagna
>Jack has historically been a great cook
>great apps, BBQ, meats, pastas and even lasagna in the past
>Jack browns some ground beef
>drowns the cooked beef in canned tomato sauce and paste
>adds dried oregano, basil and thyme
>brings to a simmer or boil
>cools mixture off and puts in the fridge overnight
>day of gathering
>meat and tomato mixture is thrown in oven with a container of ricotta and cottage cheese
>angle hair pasta is cooked
>once cheese is melted, the two are mixed
>the dish is covered with that so called Parmesan cheese from a green canister
>topped with a store bought three cheese blend from a plastic bag
>Va la - Lasagna

"Jack" has clearly given up

>homemade lasagna is promised by, lets call him "Jack"

Sounds like "Jack" have been jacking it too hard lately

youtu.be/ok4cM6WTA5E

not that bad my bff/former roommate makes pancakes all the time for breakfast and only ever uses almond milk and self-rising flour. i told him he should use real milk and egg in the batter because he isn't even vegan but he completely refused. the pancakes taste exactly how you would expect an almond milk and flour mixture to taste

UMMMMM that's not expired...

I don't think you understand. She is 79-years-old. Once she starts, she just doesn't shut up.

AUTISM
U
T
I
S
M

Alright, bub.
Just hope you won't ever have to room with an old hypocondriac lady.

>men dont room with old ladies
>this is why we prefer to die before our wives get to that point

Real or not, that's some funny shit

Nah. His rommate sounded like an entitled little shit.

>I don't think she really likes raisins
Holy shit that made me kek

>the carbon stored in paper bags is taken out of the atmosphere

why aren't you trading food for blowjobs?

>>had to look away from her the whole time she was eating because I was legit tearing up
>tearing up

so, the germans owned you italians again, eh?

this gif is quintisentially american. it screams "look at me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" it's taunting, and it's ignorant as to the complete lack of difference between either party

>hehe X got in, i'm still going to be warrentlessly surveiled
>hehe Y got in, the federal reserve is still privately owned and unaccountable to the people

americans really are the people of the vine. just 5-10 seconds of snark and mental vacuousness shoved in the face of everyone unfortunate enough to encounter them

what paradise do you hail from that isn't controlled by the jews?

>says he put a "delicious twist" on it
>all he did was sprinkle chili powder on top

Huh, sounds like this asshole dude my friend used to date. Did his name start with an S by any chance?

Two stories:
>Aforementioned asshole ex of my friend
>Friend was my roommate that year in college, asshole ex kind of moved in without asking anyone else in the dorm, including his girlfriend...voila, another roommate
>Just kinda showed up at some point and didn't leave
>This dude reeked, like really reeked, and also had the food hygiene habits of a savage
>Get back from visiting my family over spring break
>"What's that smell?"
>Roommate and I turn dorm upside down to see what's causing this horribly sour stank
>Three cups of milk have been left on top of the radiator

The next year I got assigned a rando as my roommate since we were short one person in the dorm. I'll call her J.

>J smokes weed, a lot of weed, and gets the munchies daily
>Eats like two boxes of Oreos every day, cries about being fat
>After crying about being fat, eats a package of sugar wafers
>Used to give me money to get her wafers when I'd go on grocery trips
>Would occasionally return to hear her mournfully whining "Waaaafersssss" from our dorm room
>Disappears for like 3 days straight around St. Patrick's Day to binge-drink
>Comes back shitfaced, orders sushi, passes out with the sushi on top of the radiator
>Proceeds to eat sushi eight hours later
>Proceeds to spend the following eight hours in the bathroom
>Claimed to be "deathly lactose intolerant" but ate stuff with dairy in it all the time
>Would fucking hoard fruit, keeping it in Zip-lock baggies under her bed until it blackened and liquefied

The fruit baggies are still a thing of legend among my group of college friends, even like five years later. Pic related (these used to be a banana and an apple).

>2 or 3 weeks into moving into an apartment with some people
>a week earlier we went to a restaurant that served fried rice with pineapples.
>roommate wants to try to make his own at home
>I'm asleep at the time.
>Fire alarm goes off, it's 8 am in the morning.
>Check the kitchen to see roommate scraping burnt pineapples from the pan
>He didn't use any oil and had it at highest heat, and ruined my pan doing so

>paper bags are made from wood
>wood is a mixture of plantstuff and co2
>Paper bags are enviroment friendly

No.
Just no.
Letting the tree collect more co2 by growing, instead of turning it into a container for your shit is the enviroment-friendly option here

You people are fucking idiots, trees remove CO2 from the atmosphere, older trees are considered carbon neutral because thye have limited growth and therefore remove less CO2 from the atmosphere.

By chopping down and replanting trees you remove CO2 from the atmosphere by locking it in a solid form such as wood or paper.

Please read up on the carbon cycle before posting again.

>By chopping down and replanting trees you remove CO2 from the atmosphere by locking it in a solid form such as wood or paper.

>by chopping down trees you lock CO2 in a solid form like wood.

What
It's already been locked in wood by the tree
Creating paper bags will not take extra CO2 out of the atmosphere, unless you plant extra trees for this process.
Even then, it's the trees, not the bags.
Eventually both paper bags and trees are broken down, contributing to the carbon-cycle.

TL;DR paper bags don't solidify CO2, trees do

...

>its already been locked in the wood by the tree

yes you fucking mongoloid, and when the tree dies it is broken down and the CO2 is released back into the atmosphere, but not if you chop it down and use the wood for something

And yes the bags will eventually break down but wooden beams and doors are around nowadays that have been around for hundreds of years.

My local pub is 600 years old and still has the original wooden beams in the roof, that carbon has been stored out of the atmosphere and the ground it used to grow on has new trees growing on it removing more CO2 from the atmophere.

You hav no idea what you are talking about so don't bother trying, you are beyond a retard.

>you remove CO2 from the atmosphere by locking it in a solid form such as wood or paper

PHOTOSYNTHESIS TURNS WATER AND CARBON DIOXIDE INTO SUGAR AND OXYGEN YOU FUCKING RETARD

Read up on the carbon cycle autist.

>Jack has a son
>There is some woman out there that let him impregnate her

You must have been the dumbest motherfucker in school.

And you are a literal retard who has no idea what you're talking about.

Yeah funny how they invaded us multiple times throughout history and yet managed to bring absolutely nothing back to their pathetic excuse for a cuisine

>All trees die before age 600
>all wood is used for log-term structures

Most structures aren't built to be around for so long user

No they are not but carbon that is locked in solid form is not carbon that is contributing to climate change.

This fundamental misunderstanding of chemistry though.

Guess what happens when you burn wood?

You create CO2 from the carbon that the tree sequestered during its life.

I call bullshit, American cheese doesn't age in less than a couple months.

Maybe she was making pruno.

...

Untermensch

>Grossly exaggerated and mostly fictional story thread

My favorite!!! Also, OP is a cunt.

I can relate to that first story, I was raised a vegetarian and have no fucking clue what I'm doing when I eat chicken off the bone. I just avoid it whenever possible because it's fucking embarrassing.