Lmao if you don’t immediately hand one of these to your waiter when you go out to eat

...

as a customer I imagine most of those requests are shit waiters have to ask cuz their managers demand it. Why get all fussy over people just doing their job? Just politely nod and get through it. Fuck.

>No, ice in the water is SOP

Not in america , most of us expect lots of ice, its sunny and hot here,

>reading comprehension

Pick 0.

Who do you hand it to? your waiter? Then youd already be seated, you want him to move you? Do you hand it to the hostess? She wont be refilling your glass or asking if youre done...sooooo? Hand it to everyone? Thats retarded.

OP just stole both the image and accompanying text from Twitter

you give it to the hostess and tell her to pass your instructions to the waiter. If the waiter can't handle all the requests on the list, you demand your meal be comped by the manager and then leave without tipping.

Commas, how the fuck do they work?

Wait, are there seriously people who get upset by the term 'guys'?

Yeah, they're called nu-males.

>No, ice in the water is SOP
Do you live in Mexico?

>Do not serve straws with our water
When I used to wait tables I had this lesbian couple that came in all the time and both always ordered iced tea. One of them never ever used the straw that I gave them. I couldn't fucking remember which one didn't use the straw because there was another couple of lesbians who were regulars and always ordered iced tea as well. If only she would have asked for no straw!

fucking lesbians and their iced tea. does it mask the taste of nasty pussy or something? cause when i waited, all the lesbians that came in always ordered iced fucking tea.

maybe it numbs the tongue

What the fuck are you talking about? Sweet iced tea is the drink of the American south. It's a drink huge swaths of the population like.

>lmao if you don’t immediately hand one of these to your waiter when you go out to eat

than you are not autistic.

maybe the amerifat south is all lesbian

Shit made me laugh to be honest

You expect the waitress at Applebee's to give a shit?

>seat us in the quietest table
while this is understandable from a customer stand point you are basically asking for the waitress or waiter to get themselves fired. they can't seat you in a part of the restaurant they don't control as divide out by the manager/front of house. Most places realize this system may ease tensions from entitled servers a bit and fucks the customer but those restaurants that have not are playing the prisoners dilemma. All it takes is one bitch saying "theyre in my area taking my customers" and it all comes toppling down.

As a lesbian I only drink regular unsweetened ice tea. I also don't want to be a fucking landwhale. Iced tea is the only calorie free drinks most places carry that costs money. if they get sweet tea theyre probably college students hooked on those arizona cans or theyre southern dykes. If I feel like ordering a drink, it's going to be coffee, tea, or ice tea. and given ice tea is a fountain drink I can't understand what the big deal is compared to the other two.

Just ask, most people don't want to bother you and your routine to say you don't want a straw and give you more shit to remember. it's petty.

If someone started bitching like that they'd be asked to leave. If you can't even treat someone like another human being and are that demanding and picky then you should stay at home. There's a difference between expecting good service and expecting servers to suck the shit out of your asshole and then having them thank you for it.

Then again I live in a country where people find the american tipping system nothing short of insane.

I'm not into tipping if I don't have the money but damn, I expect the base level of service of "transmit my order to the kitchen" and then "walk ten feet to bring me it" for a no tip situation. This kind of attitude is 50% tip territory for sure.

youtube.com/watch?v=mXO5ffjAufE

waiter here. i have had two people try this. both times i gave them a contract to sign stating their needs required a 25 percent tip.

If I was a girl I'd be a lesbo too

I wish I was a lesbian

If I get poor service I just spit on the servers tip.

As long as you want to be a girl, even if it means giving up on sex or masturbation, go for transition.

If not, just go to the gender bender threads on /d/ and fap a lot. Maybe learn how to change your voice to a female one to enhance the experience.

>learn how to change your voice to a female one to enhance the experience
Imagine doing this and getting caught.

>go for transition
Terrible advice. What if it's just a phase, as 90% of hobbies, tastes, beliefs etc turn out to be? Making permanent changes based on potentially temporary feelings is stupid as hell. Tattoos are one thing, marriages I can kind of understand but hormones and surgery? You gotta be nuts.

...

>Terrible advice. What if it's just a phase, as 90% of hobbies, tastes, beliefs etc turn out to be? Making permanent changes based on potentially temporary feelings is stupid as hell. Tattoos are one thing, marriages I can kind of understand but hormones and surgery? You gotta be nuts.
You have to go through a year of therapy to even get surgery. And that's in america. where the laws are loose. Drugs takes around 6 months to get started therapy wise, and less if you use informed consent. If you aren't sure, you can just go to a therapist anyway. So yeah, it's not bad advice to tell someone to investigate their feelings before they're already bald and grizzled.

Most people have awful mental health and should seek a cheap therapist for regular maintenance anyway.

As for the voice thing, just practice in a car or when no one is around if you're embarrassed I guess.

This. I hate when wait staff wants to fucking chit chat

Fun fact: in Iran, being gay is a crime, but being transgender is a disease and getting surgery and hormones is perfectly ok

A lot of gay people live as transgender because it permits them to live a relatively normal life, but, after going through with the surgery, realize they've made a huge mistake and commit suicide

>being in iran
You where already dead/fucked. Poor lesbians, they never had a chance there.

full autismode

A lesbian's vagina would smell fine unless they're putting and leaving all kinds of shit in there. Most commonly, girl who fucks guys will get her pH fucked up by letting them nut inside and not cleaning up.

A lot of Limmy's "You know what I hate?" sketches are pretty autistic, that's why they're so funny.

Limmy on Americanisms:
youtube.com/watch?v=YnGPgCVJUsI

Limmy on "110%"
youtube.com/watch?v=Rl4QMS0Zh_w

Fuck that.
Whoever wrote that expects to be treated like they are in a fine dining restaurant regardless of where they are. If you are eating at fucking Applebee's, you can expect to be treated like you're eating at fucking Applebee's.

Fine dining and luxury restaurants specifically train their staff in the expert "quiet efficiency" mode. Middle class restaurants don't. So if you want to be treated like that, you're going to have to pay more than $30 for your meal.

You fucking autistic or somthing? You sound like a dick.

If I was your waiter I would just do what I normally do cause I wouldn't expect a tip from you. Plus I'd prioritize my other tables for things like refills and checking up

Pretty much this.

Having to communicate through a long note in a normal setting with an established etiquette is something a 13 year old kid would do who thinks he knows better than the rest of the world, or just plain autism.

>inb4 where do you think you are

Why does common waiter courtesy trigger whoever made this?
Asking if they were here before, explaining the menu and making small talk are things that differentiates a bad server from a good server.

Is this for a group of deaf schizoids or something?

That's why I said user. Whoever the person really was.

Manager of a restaurant here. I would throw you out if one of the waitstaff showed me this. No one table will make or break us, and the fact that you are advertising that you are an asshole who will annoy, stress out and otherwise make the lives of front (and probably back, too) harder than it is for no reason means I don't want you in my place.

I would take a picture of this or keep it for your inevitable yelp review that I would get taken down, or to show the owner should you ever get ahold of him. Owner is an angry drunk, so if you somehow managed to even find him, he might just throw something on you. Good luck!

Yeah, I'm gonna have to go with this guy. Honestly if I was a waiter, I'd go out of my way to do every single thing on the list that they told me not to do, just to piss them off. They're not gonna tip anyways so why the fuck not.

At least in that case they'd never come back and I wouldn't have to deal with their autism more than once. I think I could sacrifice one tip to ensure that.

It doesn't matter how much of a cunt she's being, it's still illegal to do shit like that. Just fucking not serve her. That's how you get your dumb ass fired. For thinking you're required to get petty vengeance because someone hurt your feelings. The American dining experience is retarded because kids think they're deserved the utmost rewards with tips and dick-sucking for working a minimum wage job. While you are worthy of some respect for handling their food, you are not deserving of anything more.

>Waiter should be observant enough to judge when we are finished with a course
Every single party winds up eating at different paces and some shits don't want you taking plates away if theres any food left at all no matter how far into the meal it is. Waiters aren't fucking psychic

Daily reminder that if you don't actively try to make an entry-level worker's job as smooth and digestible as possible you're a literal fucking monster and I argue you're responsible for dozens if not hundreds of suicides.

LOL, they spat in food and stuff because to get revenge on a customer! That was a really original and creative idea.

WOW. Is there an etiquette board? Tell the m'aitre d, don't do this. This is absolutely middle-class behavior

I want to believe.

classic.
i love limmy

That's the joke! No granny would be so confused about LLOYDSFERMASSY that they would die but it's funny anyway.

I think I would probably just ask those motherfuckers to leave.

the perfect waiter would combine the excellent customer service of an american with the silence of a european

but no, we either get chatty fuckers who can wait properly, or snobby fucks who ignore us

Almost no employee 'wants' to talk to you, their bosses just make them to do it

I take offense to being called "guys" in general. I am a man. When women talk about "guys" it makes me angry. "Girls" like "guys". Women should like "men". If you are a "woman" and you are talking about "guys" then you are either a "girl" or a Huffington Post sex columnist.

I don't see anything wrong with this, in fact they're asking you to do less than what the job requires. Some customers are bitchy, but the majority of people want good food and standard service. To be honest I never expected a tip, or even wanted one since I cooked and served the food myself. I'd rather have people enjoy what I made, than give me change left over from the bill. Shit is taxed anyway so who gives a fuck?

I'm really not opposed to licking the food of people who are total shitheads. Don't like reading that? Don't be a total shithead, because for you there is no etiquette, there are no manners and there are no rules. I've already accepted that you're too good to leave a tip,and that's just a hazard of the job. So enjoy and remember that your behavior may come with a side of my DNA.

I am fairly certain that I have never met you, but I am 100% sure that I would hate you if I ever did.

It's from a fucking movie calm down

I know your feels senpai

>making small talk
amerikek spotted
i want my waiter/waitress to not say an extra word unless i'm flirting with them, in which case they're allowed to giggle & reply. common courtesy, really.

>146.jpg
nah you

>printed directly from WYSIWYG word processor
>not properly typeset with LaTeX

this is my new standar for tips op, i wont hand a fucking letter but i will silently drop money for pulling this shit
0 mistakes is 20%
1 mistake is 15%
2 mistakes is 10%
anything beyond there is no tip

Alright, let me explain something to you. Your job is not hard. You’re lucky society allows it to even exist. You think the customer couldn’t take his plate from the pass and work the fountain?

Your Basic Job
>Toss my plate onto the table.
>Fill my glass when I sit down.

That’s the bare bones of your job. If that’s all you’re willing to do, that’s fine. But know that your salary is commensurate to the difficulty of the task.

Your Real Job
>Place my plate on the table with a smile and a friendly “heeeeere you gooooo. :)” Yes, you need to be bubbly as heck.
>Refill my glass, and anything else I have that needs refilling, regularly, and without me having to flag you down like a goddamn Apache helicopter.
>Ask me midway through my meal if everything is okay.
>Do everything you can to rectify the situation if it’s not.
>Bring my bill promptly, but not before asking if I want to order dessert.
>If it’s very busy and food is slow coming, come to my table a little while after I order and apologize for the situation.

That’s what is EXPECTED of you. If you’re not willing to do that, that’s fine. But all that is what you get tipped for. You get tipped for doing an exceptional job. You get tipped for adding to the experience of the customer. Your job is to make me feel like a KING. Your job is to make me feel like less of an idiot for dropping $30 on $4 worth of food and $1 worth of energy and labor. Your job is to act like your ability to go to the drug store and pick up your baby's ear medicine depends solely on MY enjoyment of the evening, MY generosity, and MY wallet. I am your GOD.

I agree with all of this except for the Ice and straws line. What's the deal with that?

Never been to a restaurant that removes dishes before everyone at the table has finished

>I am your god

Suburbanite mother detected

I honestly agree with this

Most wait staff are piss poor

Better to cook at home

Why do people not understand that "guys" isn't a gendered term?

I'd reply in sign language

People who get very easily offended and want something to bitch about.

I don't generally take things that seriously on here but, I gotta say, this made me pretty mad.

Mostly because I know there are people who genuinely feel this way. Who gives a shit? Relax!

Yes, it’s a service job. It’s not glamorous. If you have self esteem issues or you’re just too damn lazy, waiting tables is not the job for you. But at the end of the day, waiting tables is waiting tables. You’re not going to make Corvette money on a Honda level job, and you need to just get the hell over it. Because let me tell you, the waiters and waitresses who actually do the job for a living? They don’t pull out their iPhone 5S’s, with the unlimited data plan that mommy and daddy pay for, and tweet about how cheap bastards never tip. They go to their tables every day and they bust their asses to EARN their living. EARN their tips. That’s the job. It’s a little less “ugh, you know THAT table isn’t gonna tip” and a little more “can I top you off, hon?” That’s the tradeoff for a job that allows you to make a living without any education and with barely being literate.

Yes, there will always be those jackasses who wouldn’t tip even if you recited Shakespeare topless while they ate. But the vast majority of people WILL tip if they know they got good, attentive service. If you’re not willing to give good, attentive service, enjoy your $2 an hour. You’re getting paid for the amount of work you’re doing. Waiting tables is essentially commission work. If you’re not willing to actually do the job, well, good luck making a living.

And by the way? If I come to your place the first time, and get crap service, I don't tip. If I come back the second time, and you get all "oh, there's the nontipper, I'm not even gonna try", guess what - there will be no third time. You'll learn VERY quickly, in the unemployment line, the value of the dollars I give to your company, tips or not.

Both of these ideas are talked about in the Ricky Gervais XFM

This nigga knows

Do this in an agitated voice, spitting out five words per second and you've got yourself a stand up routine.

>>I am your god
>Suburbanite mother detected
yeah dunno what this means but that guy is a trammendous faggot, he's also right that those are whats expected but this cunt seems to revel in his control and holier than thou attitude, typical human twat, so it's just one more reason to abolish tipping and pay servers a livable wage like everyone else.

>2 dollars an hour is fine
kill yourself.

RELAX!

>Liveable wage
Fuck off with that stupid bullshit. You know damn well that being a glorified fucking vending machine isn't worth more than that. Even if you look past the taxes part of it, it still isn't worth more than that

Holy shit this. All the cooks and servers on here that complain about their shit pay need to get this through their heads. You guys are glorified servants. You make shit because your job is a shit job- if you want to make good money, you should have worked harder in school and gotten a job that couldn't be done by high school dropouts or ex-cons.

Actually when I get legit bad service I go to the counter and pay there without leaving any tips, it works better because not only the waitress get nothing but the people operating the register and everyone around sees that I'm leaving as A displeased costumer

2 dollars an hour is fine for doing completely shitty work and not pleasing the customer.

If you're actually fucking working for it you'll get more than enough.

This guy's order at every restaurant:
>diet coke with lemon, no ice
>chicken caesar salad, dressing on the side

sauce on image

...

>topkek I bet I know what he orders, heh, jokes on him.

I never leave less than 15 percent unless somebody is ignoring me or being rude. Generally I leave around 25 to 30. Serving is a rough job in a lot of ways. I'm not asking to be treated like a god like some other dip shits in this thread are, I just want friendly, attentive service. At the end of the day, if I can't afford to tip, I just get it to go. Taking service without paying for it is essentially shop lifting. The aforementioned dip shit is an entitled child.

>pay them
>don't tip
>somehow you're not paying them now
They should just make tipping illegal so you dumb fucks stop getting scammed out of money.