Critique thread

In other words, OP is a shit writer.

It's English for 'you are bad at writing'.

All jk-ing aside, it's bad. Like face scrunching bad, like spoiled middle schooler bad, like it could be deliciously subtle trolling if it wasn't for the fucking handpicked font.

The way you describe things is entirely u original and uninteresting. The garbage between the quotation marks is genuinely eye-roll inducing. 'Night prior'? I (yes, me) don't even talk like that in my most douchey moments. The idea that you wrote it makes me shudder. Yeah I know it's not part of the dialogue.

You're still at the edge—sorry—the age where yr writing about your relationship to ciggies. Mental age, I mean.

But ok, fine, what's important is that you're working on the craft, right?

This put me in a bad mood. The kind of mood where you really get an idea of the people out there in the whorl.

Once upon a time in a clichéd, cringe-worthy writing sample, a neckbeard could not construct a proper sentence to save his life. The mechanical wind howled through the basement cave and blew Dorito snack bags carelessly off his battlestation. Cheesy crumbs cascaded into his toes as he sat down on his shit-streaked memory foam ass cushion. This place is where mommy's money comes to die. As his PC booted up, he let out a single 'kek' and spat into his fapping hand. Today was going to be another day in paradise. He was on Veeky Forums shitposting 10 minutes later. Here, people like him were the majority. Home.

You gotta go and get angry at all of my honesty
You know I try but I don't do too well with apologies
I hope I don't run out of time, could someone call a referee?
Cause I just need one more shot at forgiveness
I know you know that I made those mistakes maybe once or twice
By once or twice I mean maybe a couple a hundred times
So let me, oh let me redeem, oh redeem, oh myself tonight
Cause I just need one more shot at second chances

Yeah, is it too late now to say sorry?
Cause I'm missing more than just your body
Is it too late now to say sorry?
Yeah I know that I let you down
Is it too late to say I'm sorry now?

I'm sorry, yeah
Sorry, yeah
Sorry
Yeah I know that I let you down
Is it too late to say sorry now?

I'll take every single piece of the blame if you want me to
But you know that there is no innocent one in this game for two
I'll go, I'll go and then you go, you go out and spill the truth
Can we both say the words and forget this?

Is it too late now to say sorry?
Cause I'm missing more than just your body
Is it too late now to say sorry?
Yeah I know that I let you down
Is it too late to say I'm sorry now?

I'm not just trying to get you back on me
Cause I'm missing more than just your body
Is it too late now to say sorry?
Yeah I know that I let you down
Is it too late to say sorry now?

I'm sorry, yeah
Sorry, oh
Sorry
Yeah I know that I let you down
Is it too late to say sorry now?
I'm sorry, yeah
Sorry, oh
Sorry
Yeah I know that I let you down
Is it too late to say sorry now?

When they found the sensor it was broken, as anticipated, or rather mangled with great hands.
A perimeter established and the recruits scattered to their duties - for many it had been their first true steps outside the village, but for all it was their first breaths unweighted by stagnant heat and must, for the shuttle was old and only built for half their number. They poured out cracked and sweating like rotten eggs on the disembark

In the flurry of the toil many of the boys found themselves with rust fever, having scraped arms or ankles on loose rubble. There was only one doctor who was short on time, supplies and patience. His prescription: the two yellow pills and a half-glass of water, even less if they were able. No one died, and they were too tired to complain, but also too tired to work.

Following this setback, the Captain himself took to drilling the boys in proper fielding attire with irregular emphasis. In the end all of the boots, trousers, helmets and gloves were fitted to numbness and a shine that rivaled the greatest source of their half-seen light. Any recruit found below standard was beaten into shuddering blue.

After three days all lessons were learned, the sick were healed and found their strength. All was right, and so the long wait began.
Eh

What?

This is all mechanical exposition. You burned through probably like ten pages of story in several paragraphs. Set scene, create character, make action. This is all synopsis. Write a story, not an outline of one.

Fuck you.

disclaimer he's not me who posted the story

Fukken terrible u should feel bad