Anyone here /chronicmentalillness/?

isnt this the natural human state? unless you delude yourself that is.

>have ocd
>ocassionally feel compelled to do annoying shit like re-read certain sentences over again or flip pages back and forth a bit
luckily it doesn't affect me too much while I'm reading. stuff like watching movies I often feel compelled to rapidly pause and unpause several times every so often, and that's more annoying.

>schizoaffective disorder
>see alien/angelic languages written in holographic hieroglyphs all over the page
>book communicates with me psychicly
>smoke out the pages of the books with cigarettes and weed to free the word spirits
>feel them join me in song in my heart mouth
>god communicates to me directly
>wants me to write a new bible
>go to library for research
>get lost on the bus over
>finally arrive
>fall in love with qt librarian
>books overwhelm me with subterranean knowledge
>i am not welcome here
>i flee screaming

Well, i'm a sex addict and an internet addict with, probably, damaged frontal lobes (the one's that help you take rational decisions.)
Currently i jerk off to Dancing videos on youtube at 3am; i have to wake up at 6.

There's really no point in my rambling, i just wanted to share my misery.

Dont give up and dont kill yourself. This life is all you have and its worth it to experience it no matter the pain. There also is no such thing as being mediocre, you are the king of your own reality, enjoy being the king.
Hey man keep on keeping on. You sound way more interesting than most people I know.

wish death upon myself in some way or another, almost involuntary everyday

I don't think its time yet for me to an hero but this depression is like mind control parasite level of retarded.

I don't force myself to read because then I end up skimming and not actually reading and just flipping pages.

I have a huge backlog.

no offense but you should probably stop

Agreed.
You sound like you have good intentions but when it comes to mental illness people with good intentions just do not understand mental illness.

Eh, his words did kinda help; but maybe any word would have helped since i like attention.

I browse Veeky Forums, obviously. I often have have what OP described, a mind-haze where I'm not able to grasp the meaning of words, and have to re-read everything a lot, and it's just a slog.

So I just get on Veeky Forums and read about books, but instead of being satisfied with it, I'm only filled with more desire to actually read books, but at the same time I realize that it's impossible at the moment, and keep scrolling.

Also I noticed that I use internet's endless stream of stimuli to numb the feeling of anxiety and dread that I sometimes have. I noticed it some time ago, when I woke up feeling as if I were being crushed by a rock lying on top of my chest, and the only thing I wanted to do is get on the computer and enter the perpetual cycle of switching tabs and not reading their content. As I did that, I noticed my anxiety slowly fading away, giving way to the usual numbness and lack of feeling. Music also helps with it, but it works only in conjunction with the internet.

>dad comes into my room
>"son, your mother keeps telling me about how you think about dying all day. you might as well just stop trying."

FUCK

I like talking to people on Veeky Forums about things in general, I wish there were a Veeky Forums offtopic board where you could discuss things not necessarily related to literature. I could go to another board to talk about general things, but then I would just be talking to people from that board, with their own patterns of behavior and such.

Like this thread, I like reading about other people's experiences in life, (provided they aren't the usual "i just broke up" shit), sharing our outlooks on existence and how to cope with it, etc. I recall there was a discord channel, but people there weren't really into talking, it seemed. Maybe there's something else?

I understand mental illness pretty well. The sooner you figure out beating depression is changing mental state the better you'll feel. But hey maybe you wont, it took me nine long years.

exercise, drugs, and music

"Kill me, Pete"

OP Here, that's alright man. Honestly you're sort of correct.

Most days I don't feel anything. I would say anhedonia sucks, but yeah. When I do feel things it's either just pain or boredom.

I'm more scared of life than death. I feel like if I move I might shatter the world around me. So I don't.

I don't even want to get better anymore. I don't have the courage for suicide. I'll likely just follow the path of least resistance (drugs and other forms of escapism) until I finally do it or some other external force makes it unbearable to remain static anymore.

Not sure why I'm writing this as well but whatever. Sort of cathartic I guess.

>you figure out beating depression
>figure out
>beating depression

yeah you don't understand it

text-to-speech

this

depression is different for everyone. this condescending attitude you've taken in response to relatively mild criticism is pretty indicative of how "understanding" you really are t b h. depression is largely chemical btw.

I'm probably worse off than you.
I won't humiliate myself by publicizing my failures but let's just say if you actually wake up at 6 and leave the house then you're doing better than me.

The worst part of addiction and compulsive behavior is the horrible sense of emptiness that it accompanies. I'm only typing this now because that feeling is particularly bad right now and when it's bad like this it's legitimately frightening. So I guess this is a way of crying out in the dark. To whoever out there is reading, this post was written in hell.

They have internet down there now? Who's the ISP?

>only in /lit

The point of being alive is to experience death.

Try creating an environment exclusively for reading. Get in the habit of sitting in a certain chair and maybe turning on a lamp when you read so that you can associate that setting with reading. It might sound like some shitty WikiHow article advice but it works for me and there's no harm in trying it out.

read right when you wake up, and
read something that uses words and phrases economically. you can move on to lower quality in thirty minutes if you prefer to read shit

do not consume calories or caffeine, no not watch tv, do not go on the internet, at all, before you wake and read

can relate to a lot of people here, also pretty much fucked up, have escaped 4-year long NEETdom 3 months ago but already expecting my failure (repeating school to be able to enter university, but i pretty much know that i'm too dysfunctional, and the only way i am not failing yet is because it's 3 hours per day for the first half year).

Most people have probably already left the thread, but if you want someone to talk to, maybe find a new friend on the internet:
Skype: theopoll1
steam: theopollo/nikopol (not sure which one is the correct)

hello oscar

Serious depression is actual pain the in brain.

That's why hanging oneself looks so appealing--the act ironically feels like it's bringing you relief by "cutting off" the one organ in your body that is causing you the most pain.

You have no choice to be in your brain but you cannot bear to be in your brain because of the pain. Thus, the conundrum.

...

ITT: sheeps can't transcend the Western ideology of psychiatry

just keep on micro-managing your thought processes, poorfriend
meanwhile I'll be off making beautiful money so that I actually manage to have some time for things other than making enough money to survive

bpd type 2 here. this shit doesnt work for me. when i am at my lowest i cant comprehend anything at all. so i try to read as much as possible when im hypo. when im having insomnia instead if going out and doing stupid things like i did few years before i just read all night. feels good man.

3.4 on goodreads

D R O P P E D

I was going to honestly ask what motivated you to post that in this thread but it must involve so many complicated layers of self-loathing that in the end I guess you're in the right thread anyway.

It made me rather think of a struggle with his own identity, an insecurity that needs to leash out against those who openly show their weakness, as to assure itself of it's own stability

>/complicated/ /layers/ of self-loathing
>/struggle/ with /his own/ identity

oy vey. is this poor bait, or do you guys really need to look up "ideology" in the dictionary? or "transcend"?
pls reread this first sentence:
>ITT: sheeps can't transcend the Western ideology of psychiatry

obviously I was once in that same boat of ignorance, so obviously I'll be attracted to post in a thread like this in order to share how I found that psychiatry is much more useful when you can comprehend that it's merely an ideology.

This thread is full of good advice for depression but anyone else got psychotic or manic-depressive stuff?
I'm stressed out at the moment and my symptoms are getting bad.
I'm worried that mildew is going to infect all the library books and eat up knowledge and if I read them I'll go blind.