If all philosophers in human history were put into a giant gladiator arena and they were to have a fist fight to the...

If all philosophers in human history were put into a giant gladiator arena and they were to have a fist fight to the death, who would emerge victorious?
Who would die first?

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They're all gay so they'd just fuck and die of aids.

Trick question(?), none would fight

>were to have
wow you are one of the biggest high schooler on Veeky Forums

I'd usually veer to the Greeks but then they'd be all like five foot tall

Diogenes. Skinny guys fight till they're burger.

Aquinas was also huge

Stirner, he'd bring a gun.

The Greeks would slaughter everyone.

Kant would probably die first since he'd refuse to fight. Also, autism isn't exactly a superpower.

he's was also a tiny gimpy goblet of a man.

These guys know. The Greeks would set aside their differences, band together, and slaughter the remainder. Most of the Greek Philosophers had ripped six packs and could toss stone columns. Diogenes once got jumped and had his ass beat so he went and wrapped his hands found the guy who beat his ass and beat him to near death. Aristotle was fit, Plato was fit, while Socrates is described as a manlet, Socrates is still described as being physically fit. The Greeks also loved to wrestle and show off how strong they are. There are tons of quotes by them about being fit. I can't name a single Philosopher after the Greeks who valued raw physical strength as much as they did, aside from maybe the Romans.

*goblin desu cheers

...

I think Nietzsche would be literally killed with one punch to the stomach.

That's because you're gay and don't realise all philosophers are equally shit so insulting one of them means you must like others and therefore got memed on sick it faggot

It's because he had severe stomach problems actually.

A better question is, Which of the Greeks would come out on top?

Haha I love when a fag denies it don't make excuses your obviously faking

The Greeks seem like hardy dudes. Some fought in wars or wrestled.

Weren't they all tiny manlets back then though?

Not sure about manlets but they sure weren't tiny.

Most people before the 20th century were manlets.

This so much

I'd still be afraid of a 4 foot tall man who could break me in half with a single jab to my stomach.

Socrates was a war hero and Plato was a professional wrestler

Pro wrestling is fake though

Does that mean Plato was the John Cena of his day?

...

AND HIS NAME IS PLATO

They'd be like 5'5-5'9.

Either way, they'd still literally all be soldiers and in peak physical condition. Modern philosophers, and even later ancient philosophers are, with only a few exceptions frail stock.

No it's not

Marx would die first, pretty much all of the Existentialists would die afterward, the Greeks would die last, Socrates would win

im not sure, the idea of people from older times being shorter comes from until the last few centuries, where most people lived in poverty and basically ate bread and suffered from regular diseases

didnt the ancient greeks basically live off deer/sheep meat and have all kinds of other things? certainly the philosopher class wouldnt be malnourished

I think either Nietszche, Kierkegaard or Evola would be the first to go.

We know from skeletal remains, they were shorter than recent times but not as much so, it seems like noblemen weren't significantly taller either until the 19th century

Archeology.

>Strength does not come from winning. Your struggles develop your strengths. When you go through hardships and decide not to surrender, that is strength.
IF IT BLEEDS, he CAN KILL IT

youtube.com/watch?v=F2kAnTZBnTg

Conan is my favorite philosopher 2bh

It would be a toss up between Wittgenstein and Descartes.

Wittgenstein was an actual soldier for a while in the Austrian army and was known for his violent outbursts. He was made of hardier stock than most philosophers.

Descartes made a living as a legit mercenary and probably killed people, so he's no stranger to combat.

Infinite Chest

Stefan Molyneux.

Socrates>these niggas

Socrates, that lovable oaf? He wouldn't hurt a fly. Descartes on the other had would shank you with a sly grin.

>Sun Tzu and Machiavelli start a betting pool with suspiciously high odds on an exacta.

>mfw

Soc was a great warrior with a big dong.

Heh, probably would be the same just like this

youtube.com/watch?v=ur5fGSBsfq8

wittgenstein goes utterly berserk and uses bertrand russell as a human shield while brutalising everyone with a hot poker
wittgenstein wins
stirner maybe comes second, assuming we mean 2d cartoon stirner and not real stirner who was probably a clueless fop

is jesus a philosopher?

Socrates was a soldier and fought for Athens in battles.

I doubt he would qualify, and even if he did he would probably flop in the ring.

You sock that bastard in the face and he just turns the other cheek.

Alexander was 5 foot 7 and considered short by Greek standards.

Besides Sparta none of the Greek city states actively trained for battle

Schopenhauer goes straight for Hegel and beats his fucking ass.

jesus vs adam smith's got to be worth some teeth

Magic powers count as cheating.

>FULLEST FEELING OF THE SUBLIME, BITCH

Hourly reminder that Schopenhauer grabbed his landlady by the scruff of her neck and hurled her down a flight of stairs like an old pussycat

He was a teacher in a girls school.

>was known for his violent outbursts

Source? Not saying you're wrong, I'd just like to read more about this.

> But he soon had to return to Berlin to answer a charge of battery brought by a seamstress: Schopenhauer, who hated noise (and wrote an amusing essay [1851; translated, 1890] on the topic), had been enraged by her loud chattering on the landing outside his room; in the ensuing altercation he pushed her, and she fell down a flight of stairs. He lost the case and was obliged to pay her a monthly allowance until her death. (When she finally died, twenty years later, he commented, "Obit anus, abit onus" [The old woman dies, the burden is lifted]). The experience served only to make him more misanthropic and misogynous--his diatribe "Über die Weiber" (1851; translated as "On Women," 1890) is notorious.

>Obit anus, abit onus

Such moments make me want to learn latin.

What were you expecting to accomplish by reminding us of such fact, that he was a badass or a faggot who couldn't even beat a woman with his own hands?

Well Evola was in a fucking wheelchair, thanks to going on an existential stroll in the midst of a bombing run.

It'd probably be some half-mad goon like Nietzsche who'd go for the cripple.

He beat the shit out of kids pretty frequently, if that counts.

>Descartes made a living as a legit mercenary and probably killed people, so he's no stranger to combat.
What the hell?

Maybe Marcus Aurelius would do decent, he was both a slave and soldier.

Yeah, that's why I put him, he had good spirit, but was physically crippled.

Nietszche and Kierkegaard were sickly too though, and I could definitely see both of them shrinking from the situation.

People overestimate historical poverty, owing to the pauperization of industrializing economies.

You know aside from all that wrestling they practiced for, the drills, and daily work outs.

For starters Zizek, Kierkegaard, Sarte, Nietzsche, and Hume would get pounded. I doubt any of them could even take a hit. Stirner would get BTFO. He died because of a fucking BUG BITE.

I would put money on Aurelius. That mother fucker was smashing savages by day and writing philosophy by night.

>implying a greek manlet that needs a shield and jar of olive oil to be manly would be able to stand his ground against an insane kraut with a tendency towards strangling his own brothers with piano wire

1.1 You
1.2 Are
1.3 Fucking retarded

Ayn Rand would use her freaky frantic-eyes to psych out the competition and then close in for the kill.

Nietzche, Deleuze, and Guattari would be so coked out of their minds they wouldn't feel it

Sartre boxed when he was young. As an amateur of course, but still.

An enhanced field of vision too, he's got that going for him

Go let a professional fly-weight boxer who's only 5'5" or 5'6" punch you in the face, if you honestly believe height matters that much, especially outside of a rules-governed competition.

Honestly, Sam Harris would probably win. He's some high grade martial artist.

He destroys their arguments and he'd destroy them all phyically.

The. God. Man

>all this western philsophy
>everyone forgets 90% of chinese martial arts are built from philosophy about life and, therefore, conflict
>everyone forgets Bruce Lee's Jeet Kun Do was a philosophy and not simply a martial art

If the Greeks could stop literally fucking each other in the ass long enough to team-up against them, they'd have a shot, but I'd imagine all the fucking warrior-theologians and philosophers from China and Southern Asian would give them a run for their money, since they actually have a long history of putting their differences aside to fight common enemies.

Fucking Bodhidharma man

look at China's military history
even when they fight each other all they do is die

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