Diary

Do you mean a notebook as in a computer or one made of paper? I don't understand why you'd light the latter or microwave the other

I write on my tumblr a lot. I've written a lot over the past 24 hours, but I used to write a lot more. I restarted my tumblr about a half a year ago, but it used to have way more writing on it that got deleted.

saddude69.tumblr.com/

I've kept one since 2009. All my journals before 2012 were burned or torn up during an episode of LSD-induced psychosis my sophomore year at school.

Now I just try to rationalize my way out of what feels like existential depression.

I've always wanted to, but I don't think my life is really interesting enough to warrant it, and I'd be a bit embarrassed if someone found it.

I write all of my diary entries on the typewriter I found in the street one day. I've never been able to find the right ink cartridge for it though so all my pages come out blank.

buddy, fuck having friends. the fun is posting whatever you write for anyone in the world to see. you just write whatever you feel, that's the fun of it. unrestricted opportunity to just write and write and write, whatever you feel. It's a nice feeling, to just write 20 paragraphs of your own feelings. You don't even have to think, you just have to focus on what's on your mind, and make it come out in your writing. It's liberating.

I've kept a dream diary which includes various updates from my life for about 6 years in a big ass word doc. I chose word initially because of the formatting 'freedoms' as opposed to txt or Evernote or something. I'm now regretting that.

I edit my journal with vi.

It has some light LaTeX markup just so I can print it out. Back it up to a free svn repository.

298,000 words to date

Mostly I use mine to keep track of past events for personal reason. Self reflections and that kind of thing.

I started my first journal when I was a junior in High School and I went on a five month trip to Israel. During the trip, my classmates and I continued our studies and also took a class in which we learned the history of Israel in chronological order and we went everywhere and had class there as we learned about it.

I journaled a lot on that trip. It was a very transformative, coming of age experience. When I got back, I finished my journal, and lost it. But I'm sort of OK with it. I like keeping them better than reading them.

Since then, I've kept two, but on and off.

>vi
If vim is already deprecated, I can only imagine how much worse vi is.

Nah. I tried a few times but I always found them tedious and boring to write. I much prefer photography for preserving memories.

writing is an amazing process. it's just your mind and words. you push yourself to write in the most insightful way into your mind you can. sometimes when writing, you can just write 20 paragraphs at a time without really stopping, because it's just your thoughts. that's such a beautiful thing to me, to be able to just say whatever I want on my mind without worrying about whether or not it's stupid, because it's my thoughts. That's the beauty of writing. Sometimes you may even say something and be impressed with what you say, sometimes you look at what you say and realize that it was really embarrassing. I realize that a lot of the stuff I write is really embarrassing, but it's nice that you can capture moments of your mind down on paper, face the embarrassing thoughts, reflect, write some more. God damn uggggh you guys don't even know.

What the hell do you mean writing is tedious? Yeah maybe if you're one of those pieces of shit that just writes stuff for an assignment to get a grade. Piece of shit. You probably lack creativity, you think doing what you're told and regurgitating facts or saying something that all thinkers throughout the ages will have to answer to, or writing shit in a way that bewilders people. No, fuck you. That's not writing, you're just writing because it's what's on your mind. It pisses me off, no I'm not kidding, it really pisses me off. People are afraid to fucking speak, they're afraid to open their mouth in our world. I remember being in college in a class of 200 kids, I was the only one who would raise my hand to ask questions every class period, I don't give a fuck if other kids are too afraid. People are afraid to speak up, just write whatever you want, stop being so afraid of what other people think. I'm an embarrassing, awkward, self hating piece of shit, but you know what? Sometimes I break free from that constraint and I just say what I want. So if you want to hate yourself like me, maybe not by direct causation to saying whatever you want, but if you want to hate yourself like me, JUST TRY TO IMAGINE A WORLD WHERE YOU CAN BE YOURSELF. Go ahead, just try. Do you have something to write now you smug dip shit? No, I didn't think so. Fuck you.

>shitposting from 1991

>>vi
>vim

It's the same thing:
vi --version
VIM - Vi IMproved 7.3 (2010 Aug 15, compiled Oct 28 2015 19:46:19)

Also, Vim is not deprecated. Still under active development. Still part of a standard install for almost all non-Windows environments.

>Vim is not deprecated
Emacs supercedes it.

>still shitposting from 1991

Do you really think this 20 year old meme is still funny?

>implying this meme isn't eternal

Only a dream diary. I mostly write on it when I wake up so most of the text is incomprehensible sentences. I haven't wrote any explicit wet dream, just use alternative verbs describing what happened and underline it.
I haven't read the diary since 2013, I wonder what I wrote this couple of years.

Thanks, reading this was liberating.

I prefer Sublime, it looks prettier on my MacBook Pro while working from Starbucks.

Proof that only autists keep diaries

psychotic break?

I see a lot of the same resentment and self-hatred I've been experiencing lately. Something about you being only 22 makes it more concerning but still leaves you with plenty of time to figure things out. When I was 22 I was still blissfully unaware of the harsh reality that comes with not having any kind of escape plan. I was too busy hiding myself in video games and playing along at my job/school. And now I'm in a similar position to yourself where someone has to financially support me. And I feel like if someone cut that safety cord I'd just crash and burn. But at the same time it's that safety that got me in this predicament in the first place.

>298,000 words to date

And I can't bring myself to write 5,000 words for a portfolio piece. I'm such a sack of shit.

I feel like a lot of people try being themselves publicly at least once or twice in their lives. But when that gets them in an embarrassing or otherwise negative situation they lock that shit tight and never reveal it to anyone but their closest ones. Maybe not even them depending on the severity of the "trauma". Or they do it in public after getting severely liquored up so they can blame alcohol if shit blows up in their face again.

So you can end up with people that are very close that don't know shit about what really goes on each other's head. They just get clues and piece them together to form an opinion in what can take years. When all they had to do was just talk for a few minutes.

Where are you now? Is there a path you're on? A direction you're facing?

I experience nightmares regularly so I have a dream journal catalouging each one for horror themes.

You could say that. I've had what I can only describe as a breakdown less than two weeks ago. All my repressed fear, shame and frustration came crashing down on me after I opened up a bit emotionally with someone online. The following few days I was at what I can only describe as the lowest point in my life so far. I felt cornered, felt like everything I'm doing is pointless, like I am a sack of shit for being a burden and other lovely stuff like that. I can't remember exactly what I was thinking because some of it is a blur but at one point I resolved that the worst thing that can happen is I just kill myself. And for some reason that calmed me down enough to start taking some steps forward. The following days I took some minor steps to try and fix my situation. I just took everything that came into my head and analyzed it as a viable solution. I wrote some things down and read them the next day and then the next. Some things seemed silly after a while, while others remained relevant. One of the things that remained relevant for me was my resolve to set the record straight with anyone I still cared about in my life and apologize for shit that I know specifically was wrong to do to them in the past. Like lying or manipulating them. Another thing was to start treating people better in general and not be a hateful cynical little shit about things that bother me.
More practical stuff would be me making a resume and start searching for jobs, cleaning some shit I neglected in my apartment and deciding to buy some new clothes with the little money I have to look good for the potential job interview.

But like I said, this has been a short time, I might just be that junkie that quit for a week only to go back to his old ways. I'm not very confident right now, just trying to do something other than dying.

I used to journal until I realized that it was a mechanism for self-hatred and complaining. It's best to keep that shit inside.

I'm pretty sure it's the exact opposite.

Yeah I keep one. First entry is October 5 2008, I figure writing something, even monotonous bullshit, is better then not writing anything at all. It's calming and it let's me get my thoughts in sorted out. The most interesting thing about it is reading it. I of course know how events turn out, but reading it, I feel a separation from who I was to who I am. It's watching one stupid motherfucker flailing about and missing the gradual build up that leads to life events. I try to learn from the mistakes of thay dumb son of a bitch because I am that dumb son of a bitch