Why is everything I write turn out pretentious? Unless I use the vocabulary of a 15 year old, it seems as though everything I write comes from a 65 year old pious asshole smoking from a cob pipe while reading his own book.
>I'm garbage >Example below
I was born asleep. So when I woke up on February 15th, in a small, nonchalant room, which lay in an equally small, equally nonchalant home, I was confused. Little men on elongated canoes surfed the rampant waters of the walls around me, their eyes mad with greed. The pitter-patter of raindrops assaulted the rooftop above, startling me. I rolled over on the scratchy sheets, comprised of sandpaper and steel-wool, and looked around the room for a clock. There it was, taunting me. “3:24 A.M,” it murmured, “better get up.” I sighed, knowing that the luxury of sleep would evade me for what remained of the rest of the night and, surrendering myself to the outlandish throes thereof, got out of bed. The bottom of my feet rubbed against the abrasive, hole-ridden, stiff, precariously stained carpet—if you could even call it that—and my toes yelped at the sudden offense. I slowly made my way through the uncouth, depressingly—and simultaneously mortifyingly—black hallway and into the kitchen. The sudden emergence of cold, refreshing, smooth tile was auspiciously welcomed by my feet. I opened the refrigerator door, and the sudden shine of light shot my weak, tired, and feeble body onto its rear and rendered me a helpless, blind victim of the confidently bright star that illuminated my kitchen. I slowly clambered to my feet and shut the door with a vicious slam, and though it accomplished virtually nothing, I was satisfied. Groaning, I spun around and began to pace, circumventing the living room one time… two times…. three times… four times… before finally collapsing on the floor and drifting back into the inescapable realm of sleep.
i like it but you're still a bit clumsy around your adjective strings. should be fine by the time you're sixty.
Jeremiah Sanchez
The problem isn't your style, IMO your writing itself isn't all that bad.
The problem is that you say nothing, your work is void of meaning. In this paragraph, for example, you got out of bed, walked to the kitchen, opened the fridge, fell down because of the light (?), and got back to bed, and pretended every step of the way was somehow a grand milestone, a point of deep philosophical reflection. In reality, we know nothing new about your character after reading this, nor are we aroused to investigate further, because the emotions you try to portray are so entirely vague, exaggerated, and cliché.
Ayden Ortiz
Your style is excellent but like another user said, this paragraph doesn't say anything interesting.
If you combine your style with some interesting themes I'd definitely read your work.
Ayden Ross
These are definitely useful. I'll make sure I actually say something.
Tyler Young
i mean it could be interpreted as a kind of schizoid detachment (lack of emotional commitment giving the impersonal feel and narcissism driving the grandiose and sesquipedalian expository) but I doubt that was intentional.
imo, you need to work on finding modifiers and the like that better suit the image youre trying to create without cluttering up the already choppy writing (eg, "quaint" or "unassuming" as opposed to "small, nonchalant"). find a better flow, clean it up, describe more with less, and actually have a significant event to be describing. oh and if you have to use more than one comma to list all your adjectives that affect a single object in a sentence where the object is not the subject, try that sentence again
Jaxon Clark
oops, first half was meant to be towards
Wyatt Phillips
Hey user, I don't know if you actually think that's pretentious or if you're fishing for compliments, but it's pretty good. I feel like we write similarly, how long have you been writing for? I think I agree with other anons that its a good style but maybe just not the best paragraph you wrote (although no paragraph should be lazy), I think you just need to get to the point where every word you use is important to the whole, I think you might be feeling what a lot of new writers feel, you're writing a lot of filler, I mean there's only a little here so I can't make huge judgements, but if you keep practicing and get yourself a good editor or mentor to beat you down and build you back up a little bit you could do some good work.
Noah Moore
you sound pretensious because your adjective game is weak as fuck.
your descriptions are clunky and unnecessary. >elongated canoes what does the adjective bring to the table that the noun doesn't already? Nothing. Canoes are long by definition. It's just clutter.
Apply that concept to every adjective in your writing and that'll help clean it up and it won't feel like you're posturing. Stop trying to sound like a writer and just write
Justin Gray
Sounds good, but am I the only one who is bothered by >small, nonchalant room, which lay in an equally small, equally nonchalant home
especially
>small room [...] equally small home?
How do you conceive a part (a room) of a whole (a home) to be equal in size?
