Thoughts on how to make this less edgy/better in general?

Thoughts on how to make this less edgy/better in general?

Hiro stood ankle-deep in the reddish-brown mud, cold rain pouring down on his lowered head. He wiped his sword off on his already soaked and dirty sleeve before returning it to its sheath. Any more fighting would be pointless. He had heard that Lord Imagawa had already been slain, and he could see his remaining forces scattering into the surrounding forest.

So this was war. Hiro had seen death before; a lot of it, but never to this extent. Victory had been so certain, but the Oda had swept in from the forest like demons, destroying all opposition in what seemed like mere moments. With the Matsudaira at the mercy of Nobunaga, what would this mean for him, or his entire clan?

This, and many other thoughts raced through his mind as he took a final glance in the direction of the fallen Imagawa camp. With that, he turned around and disappeared into the trees.

can't find anything I don't like about it tbdesu, got more?

Are they changing desu to desu automatically?

this is all I have so far. Was thinking of making it part of a short story about a ninja in the service of Tokugawa Ieyasu. Wasn't sure if I should continue it though.

t b h filters to desu. tbdesu is a hot meme traversing the boards

you should, I honestly want to read a lot more of it. keep the story tight and the writing imaginative and itll work well

> Hiro

Alright boys I'm gonna be honest with you, I don't know how to pronounce gyro. Is it pronounce he-row, high-row, j-eye-row, or something else entirely?

yeerohs (gyros is singular, the s is part of the name)

>Hiro stood ankle-deep in the reddish-brown mud,

"reddish-brown" sounds stupid. call it red mud, brown mud, or clay

>cold rain pouring down on his lowered head. He wiped his sword off on his already soaked and dirty sleeve before returning it to its sheath.

You just said he's ankle deep in mud and rain is pouring down on his head. you don't need to tell us that his sleeve is soaked and dirty.

>Any more fighting would be pointless. He had heard that Lord Imagawa had already been slain, and he could see his remaining forces scattering into the surrounding forest.

rewrite: More fighting would be pointless; Lord Imagawa was slain, and he (not sure if you're referring to hiro or imigawa here) could see his remaining forces scattering into the forest.

>So this was war. Hiro had seen death before; a lot of it, but never to this extent.

incorrect use of semicolon. a comma would be grammatically correct. but you should just make it say "Hiro had seen death before, but never to this extent." Flows better and sounds less edgy.


>Victory had been so certain, but the Oda had swept in from the forest like demons, destroying all opposition in what seemed like mere moments. With the Matsudaira at the mercy of Nobunaga, what would this mean for him, or his entire clan?

You use words for emphasis when you don't need to, like in "so certain".


I suggest picking up a grammar book. Also read a few books on writing. As far making it less edgy goes, that's impossible. You're writing a book about ninjas at war. But overwriting makes it autistic-edgy. Those are my thoughts. I'm not a good writer and I'm not great at grammar, so don't look for hints in my writing for that. But I'm right about the semi-colon.

More I wrote on the spot:

The rain had died down to a light drizzle, and the sun began to shine through the dark clouds in the east. Hiro slowed his run to a jog, and began to think over what he should do. He had no idea what the fate of the Matsudaira would be, so returning to their home province would be incredibly foolhardy. Returning to his own clan seemed like the best idea, but that was just under a hundred kilometres away through incredibly rugged and dangerous terrain. It would take him two days at best to get there, assuming he wasn't hindered by bandits or poor weather.

He sighed, and glanced upwards toward the sun. He knew that if he continued west, he would arrive at a small farming village. As an agent in the service of the province's lord he would most likely be able to receive some food, shelter and directions. Although he was trained in navigation, and was used to travelling through the wilderness, there was no way he could make his way back to Iga without some aid.

With this in mind, he once again picked up his pace, racing towards a possibly friendly location.

>Any more fighting would be pointless.
I think it would be better if you cut that sentence out. It's telling rather than showing, and the following sentence conveys the idea well.

>This, and many other thoughts raced through his mind
This sounds strange, considering the feeling of shock you describe just before it. Plus I already know it's going through his mind if I just read it. I would cut that bit out and rewrite the entire last paragraph as:
>He took a final glance in the direction of the fallen Imagawa camp, then turned around and disappeared into the trees.

>just under a hundred kilometres away through incredibly rugged and dangerous terrain.

"just under" sabotages the effect you want that bit to have. it makes the distance sound shorter. say 100 if it's "just under" 100.

>incredibly rugged

it's ok to just say rugged.

general overuse of compound sentences and commas

>Hiro
instantly loss

change hiro for susan (:

all i can say is less is more. let the reader infer. we know what mud looks like. we know that things get wet in the rain. we can also guess that the main character knows what he's doing. show these things to us, don't tell us.

you expound and expound and i understand why. you want to tell the reader precisely what it is that you had in mind. but there is a difference between effective explanation and thorough explanation. at a certain point we are reading a dwarf fortress combat log and that's not fun.

Quality critique tbhfam

Well fuck I never would have guessed that one, thanks bud.

Rewrite:

Hiring stood ankle-deep in the blood-stained mud, cold rain pouring down on his lowered head. He wiped his sword off on his sleeve before re-sheathing it. Lord Imagawa was slain, and he could see the daimyo's remaining forces scattering into the surrounding forest.

So this was war. Hiro had seen death before, but never to this extent. Victory had been certain, but the Oda had swept in from the forest like demons. All resistance had crumbled in an instant. With the Matsudaira clan at the mercy of Nobunaga, what would this mean for him, or his clan?

He took a final glance in the direction of the fallen Imagawa camp, then turned around and disappeared into the trees.


The rain had died down to a light drizzle, and the setting sun could be seen through the clouds. Hiro slowed his run to a jog, trying to clear his thoughts. He had no idea what the fate of the Matsudaira would be, so staying in their home province would be foolhardy. To return to his own clan as soon as possible seemed like the best idea, but it was a hundred kilometres away through rugged and dangerous terrain. Hiro could travel that distance in two days at best, assuming he wasn't hindered by bandits or poor weather.

He sighed and glanced towards the sun. To the east was a small farming village. As an agent of the lord of the province, he should be able to receive some food, shelter and directions. He would definitely need some aid to get back to Iga. He picked up his pace, heading away from the sun.

*Hiro

Damn autocorrect

Kinda sorta related to this: what is a good way to write a story in another culture (like in OP's case, feudal Japan) without sounding too "appropriating" or in the case of Japan "weeby". I have a story I want to write that takes place in Japan but I'm worried it may come out sounding like bad fanfic.

Try using as few Japanese words as possible. Ex. "Sword" instead of "katana", "Lord", instead of "Daimyo"

hiro drew his sword, made of thousand times folded steel, with one hand and a couple of throwing metal stars with another. stray demons, which took the shapes of little girls, plagued the nearby forest since recently, and his lord commanded him to get rid of those or to dissect his own belly with a dagger...

>since recently
are you fucking retarded t b h

It's all a jest, senpai.

a jest poorly executed

People don't think like that. There is no feeling, no texture in the way you write and describe.

Whatever, ask your mom to describe my texture.

Ok, any advice on how I can write with more feeling?

Should I use inner dialogue to convey the character's emotions better?

Nah, you should use better writing.

Do you think you can give an example for how I could do that?

No. To be honest lad, if you need to ask how to write it'll probably never work out for you, sorry to say.

K. I think I'll rewrite the entire second section and try to make it less dull.

That's a good start my friend. All the best.

>if you need to ask how to write it'll probably never work out for you
t. very successfull writer
Because you can't get better with practicing, you are born as a nobel prize author or not.

tbdesu yes desu

just use the infinitely more patrician 'tbqh'

This.

Nice strawman, friend.
Of course you get better with practice, but name some great writers that asked people how to write instead of figuring it out themselves through endless hours.

I can guarantee you that famous authors existed that have asked others for advice. Fuck, there were famous authors who had a mentor relationship with other authors.
Just because someone doesn't intuitively know how to write and thus asks others for advice doesn't mean they'll forever be a shit author.
Also, of course no famous author is going to tell you the stories of him asking others how to write and on general writing advice, because who wants to hear about that? Nobdy gives a shit about interviews with authors in general, except for plebs

>You just said he's ankle deep in mud and rain is pouring down on his head. you don't need to tell us that his sleeve is soaked and dirty.

"he wiped his sword off on his already soaked in dirty sleeve", aka he's been there a long time and possibly had to wipe his sword many times, sense he has fought and killed many. not redundant

Kill yourself

>If you aren't good at something the first time you try it, don't bother practicing

Lemmie give it a shot

The mud was ankle-deep and reddish brown, though at sunrise it was nonexistent, and the dirt was a pure, dry, brown. Hiro, his head lowered, rain pouring upon his head, wiped his sword on his sleeve and sheathed it. The sword was no less covered in blood than the sleeve itself, to wipe it was merely a habit. The sword remained in its sheath, to fight from this moment on would be futile, as the death of lord Imagawa sent his forces routing into the surrounding woods.

War it was, and war it would be. Todays battle was held in a different place, time, and under different circumstances, though Hiro saw no difference from the wars he had seen in the past. War was merely a fact of life, a hard life, but a just life. He had been defeated, though victory was so certain at the moment of the battles conception. Shuddering, he remembered the Oda sweeping forth from the somber trees, their shadowy figures moving forward as though they were demons, decimating all opposition as though they were gods. In mere moments, the forces of Hiro's comrades were crushed, leaving hero to observe the bloody tide that reaved over the sullen landscape. Matsudaria was at the mercy of Nobunga, and Hiro could only question the implications of this for his clan. His thoughts shifted to himself. The lens stopped widening to take in the brutal landscape before him but instead sharpened to the point of which he looked into himself and pondered what this meant for him. The lens returned to standard focus. Hiro could see clearly. The gruesome sight before him was merely a fact of life, and only in acceptance of his loss could he prepare for his victory.
Hiro turned and left his former companions to the birds, disappearing into the trees.

damn that was shit
I cant believe I just wrote that
Fuck i am drunk
Goodbye im going to go watch ziziek sniff cocaine

...

>The mud was ankle-deep and reddish brown, though at sunrise it was nonexistent, and the dirt was a pure, dry, brown
What?
>at sunrise it was nonexistent
I don't understand

sunrise is so beautiful that you don't feel the dirt sucking your feet :3

sunrise made dirt lose its reddish tint

The “h” is pronounced the same way as “ch” in German “Ich”. Actually, it's “ich” reversed. Consonant “r” is more liquid.

(h)ee-raw.

Thats stupid. and written stupidly.

>Hiro stood ankle-deep in the reddish-brown mud, cold rain pouring down on his lowered head. He wiped his sword off before returning it to its sheath. He had heard[when? just across the battlefield?] that Lord Imagawa had already been slain, and he could see his remaining forces scattering into the surrounding forest.

>So this was war. Hiro had seen death before; a lot of it, but never to this extent. Victory had been so certain, but the Oda had swept in from the forest, destroying all opposition in what seemed like mere moments. With the Matsudaira at the mercy of Nobunaga, what would this mean for him, or his entire clan?
>This, and many other thoughts raced through his mind as he took a final glance in the direction of the fallen Imagawa camp. With that, he turned around and disappeared into the trees.
The first part is alright. As for the second and third, I really despise that kind of writing, I don't know if it's called something. Maybe change to:
>Victory had been certain, but the Oda had swept in from the forest, destroying all opposition in what seemed like mere moments. With the Matsudaira at the mercy of Nobunaga, Hiro and his clansmen were forced to surrender.
>Without long consideration Hiro cast a final glance at the fallen Imagawa camp before turning around and disappearing into the forest.
I think you're telling too much, not showing enough. For example the part about "what would this mean for him, or his entire clan?". There's no need to write this. It's war, it's a battle, one side won the other lost. This kind of sentence, or writing, reminds me of the description at the back of a DVD. With "Hiro and his clansmen were forced to surrender" the reader is simply told straight what has, or will, happen seemingly right after the moment of defeat. Then it's our imagination that can give suggestions as to what is going to happen, will they all be executed, will they be ransomed, tortured, and so on.
Am I getting anything right or am I a pleb?

No?

It's He-Roh

At sunrise there was no rain to make the dirt mud
And no blood to make it red

Ok, the main criticism that I'm getting is that I'm explaining too much. I'll try to cut back on adding unnecessary explanation and adding descriptions that the reader could do without.