I'm offering to critique a chapter of your work, in exchange for a critique of a chapter of mine...

Add sriracha, got it.

The trick for instant grabbing is to start immediately wen the MC has a desire to go after, or start just at the point where he is imposed upon in a way that brings that desire.

There's a grain of wisdom in the old JRPG cliche of the village getting destroyed at the beginning, it gives the characters something to do now. Other stories have done things similar with some tragic happening spurning the character to action.

hah the first thing I read is kill myself and though, ohh another one...Anyway, I'l read the whole thing, do you have another place to send criticism at?

Or if not tragic then some other happening, anything to give them that desire to act. A character with no desire to act cant carry a story anywhere. Even a character that just wants to go home can carry a story so long as they're placed in a position that will give you a story, say that they're trapped on a foreign island.

And maybe some Texas Pete or Frank's, depending on your mood.

Well, the driving force behind him leaving the village (of humans) that he has spent the last 64 years living in was that the local chief/king/what have you was a very young boy when he got there, and had just passed away. He'd seen three generations of chieftains die, and was kinda done with it.

Funny you should mention an island... about 2/3 to 3/4 of the novel take place on an island chain modeled after Hawaii.

Hmm... I'm more of a honey barbecue boneless wings kinda guy. What would that be, a trashy romance novel?

By the whole thing, do you mean the whole chapter, or the entire novel? It's about 99k words.

I don't think I can contribute much more than pointing out what seems to be a typo.
>knocked the find out of him.

In any case, if you want to be able to comment on the work, line by line, then you can use these links, to Google Docs.

Chapter One:
docs.google.com/document/d/1sFPQgC7sFvtvHcbPmzUZdbaBoJvtsYkwWFwBd6w4lmQ/edit?usp=sharing

Chapter Two
docs.google.com/document/d/1p-Zomo6FWgT60e1X79gLPKiMsR_Ifet86oXSA1A8KkU/edit?usp=sharing

Chapter Three
docs.google.com/document/d/1S6djsazU_R4-13y8vZiHEbcRAKLBgiYhQdpBUPDRUM0/edit?usp=sharing

Chapter three has a battle scene in it. There's a little bit of a break in continuity, because when I originally wrote the first chapter, I figured the walk would take a hell of a lot longer than it really would have... i Google Mapped it, and well, damn. It would have taken about 40% of the time I projected.

Hey man, just a general impression of it is good enough. Even if you didn't like it, just tell me why, and that helps.

>Well, the driving force behind him leaving the village (of humans) that he has spent the last 64 years living in was that the local chief/king/what have you was a very young boy when he got there, and had just passed away. He'd seen three generations of chieftains die, and was kinda done with it

I would play up that angle from the start then, including what else he's trying to find in his life. As it is things seem rather meandering, and while you do have some interaction toward the end you really want to have your activity there from the get-go. I can see why people say its bland, there's just lots of static until later.

That totally makes sense. It also gives me a chance to cut out an info-dump in chapter three.

That's excellent feedback. Thanks!

No problem bro, keep up the writing.

Also I recommend checking out Lajos Egri's books on writing, both of them are excellent stuff that will help with plot and character building. Although the books are written around plays the underlying principles can be seen and applied anywhere.

I'll look into those, thanks.

I've been trying to write this thing for over twenty years; I started when I was, like, eleven. I had three damn near full first drafts destroyed over the years because I either didn't have a way to back it up, or I was too stupid to. I gave up on writing about eleven years ago, for a full decade. I started writing this again last July, and was able to get the first draft done, and backed up in eight different places.

I thought the first draft was gonna be the hardest part.

I was -wrong-.

Narrate like you're not exactly sure what's happening or going to happen. There needs to be micro bits of tension to pull the reader along. Instead of just one thing after the other. So even something like the fella getting a drink can be made interesting/'suspenseful'.

Good luck

lajos egri is excellent advice. same goes for a bunch of the screenwriting books by seger, truby, etc

if you don't mind another book rec, donald maass (of the literary agency of the same name) wrote a book for writers called Writing the Breakout Novel Workbook. it has a lot of advice on how to improve an existing novel to get it closer to publishable. you can download it for free at bookzz.org or #bookz

That's funny. I've been told by a few writers that my narrator needed to have a stronger voice, because it seemed like the narrator didn't know what was going on, and that was bad.

I'll look into the other book as well, thanks! I've got to do something to keep myself from going insane while I wait for my readers to get back to me. They're a notoriously slow bunch.

I really enjoyed the first chapter. I loved the imagery it evoked, especially the first couple of paragraphs. Good luck on your book man!

put a goddamn shirt on

Perhaps as he is walking through the forests, where you spend a lot of time talking about his surrounding scenery try having an inner monologue about his background. The appearance of the Black Knight can do for your starting action, though you may want to foreshadow the future a bit more with it. But as he walks through the woods have him thinking about the reasons he left the village, and possibly explain a little of why the elves kicked him out.

If you can play it up as some sort of mysterious reason the elves kicked him out other than just his height before he gets attacked by the Black Knight the reader might think there is a connection. Don't know if this works for your story, but always try to foreshadow at the start, and maybe play up the fight with the Black Knight more you always want action that leaves the reader trying to figure out why.

Thanks!

Nah, senpai, I'm good.

Well, like I said here ( ) the thing of it is that a lot of that is covered in the chapters further along. The reason he was kicked fromt he elves was that he was a) a genetic freak, both hugely tall and muscular, and b) a training accident as a child left his sparring partner dead, a wooden sword rammed through his chest. That gets really spelled out in, I think, chapter 6. The circumstances of his ostracism, though, were hidden from him; they have to do with why he was an orphan.

Also, the origins (and motivations) of the armored dude are worked into the finale of the book, and are the setup for the second novel.

There just needs to be some ambiguity, some intrigue, little nuggets that pull the reader along at the sentence level. So something v small like "The ravine had been full since the Elfking's death"

Theres an elfking? He fuckin died? Why does that impact the water level?

Read some authors you like in this light and things will click. Also the above recs are very good. The Maas book covers this extensively. He is an agent w/ very good popular fiction writing advice without being by-the-numbers or instructional.

I'll definitely read those books. I appreciate the suggestions!

On a side note, the funny thing is, I get better feedback here, from you guys, than I do from any subreddit... I would have expected a whole lot more 'kill yourself' and 'lol fag' from Veeky Forums, but I get quality feedback. I joined Reddit because of a suggestion from a fellow writer buddy of mine, and I've gotten a lot more shitty responses. One of them rewrite my first chapter as a slash-fic between Elias and the armored guy.

While objectively funny, it was worthless as a critique in that respect.

You don't need to spell it out, just write something along the lines that he wonders why he has always been alone. Everyone else has a family or a tribe, but not him. Then maybe as he starts thinking that maybe there is some special reason for his solitude the Black Knight attacks.

Don't reveal everything, just small foreshadowing. Little one liners that ask important questions but aren't answered.

You're the one who writes the story so you'll know better than anyone what little tidbits of information you want the reader to know without having to fully explain. Again pretty good writing, much better than what I expected.

Thanks! I appreciate the compliment. I know I have a long way to go (I want to at least have the second book done and ready before I submit the first one, so they know the story has a conclusion at least -that- far), and this sort of thing help immensely.

If you (or any of the rest of you) are interested, the whole story is here, in rough draft form;
drive.google.com/file/d/0B29UDA4XRCCpM2hGOWJib1ZWXzQ/view?usp=sharing

It's about 99K words/321 pages long. It's in a PDF, so no comments available, but if you wanna send any feedback, I can get it at [email protected] . It was a throwaway email I made a year or two back, and it comes in handy for stuff like this.

I'ma head to bed now, I have to be at work in about six and a half hours. I'll leave this up on auto-refresh to catch anything you guys might say in the meantime.

You guys are awesome. Thanks!

Wax, bruh.

Why are you so fat? lmao

The introduction is very boring and it doesnt feel like an introduction at all. It's as if you were expecting me to already who this Elias is. Also it's fantasy so it's bound to be shitty anyway.

Are you gas-kun?

>beat down [...] with a relentless indifference

I would remove the "relentless indifference" thing as it isn't a clear image and therefore instantly creates a hurdle. But if you keep it remove the "an" since just "relentless indifference" would be fine.

He is certainly not Gas-kun.

OP here. WTF is Gas-kun?

how old are you

You're qt, if you post a pic of your chest and belly I will critique your chapter.

this.

OP you are a very hot bear

Thirty one.

... seriously? Didn't figure a fat guy to garner that sort of attention.

LOL. Wish my wife agreed. :p

you are finnish

>... seriously? Didn't figure a fat guy to garner that sort of attention.

Don't you know how homosexual leaning the literature community is?

German, Scottish, Irish, and Native American, actually.

Even then, I'd have figured for a more fit guy to be more appealing.

>and Native American

can't forget about that 3% Cherokee

Unf, post more.

>drive.google.com/file/d/0B29UDA4XRCCpYWtDSVM5V3owVVU/view?usp=sharing

>he could feel ____ even through his ____blank

Shit writing.

25% west coast native, actually. You can see it in my brother, but not me. My father's mother was 100%, lived on the rez.

>Almost every first few chapters I read are of the 'just wait until chapter 2/3/4/whatever

First chapters are usually an introduction to the characters and setting, not an prologue promising future parts of the book will be more exciting.

>Nope. High fantasy swords and sorcery stuff.

Have you ever thought about not being Cliche?

So I guess you are trying to prove that you have the authority to critique fantasy writing because you look like a dwarf?

I am not saying you should kill yourself for any of those reasons but rather because its a universally advisable course of action when the stuff of life can only ever amount to an accumulation of negative utility.

>First chapters are usually an introduction to the characters and setting, not an prologue promising future parts of the book will be more exciting.

That's why I'm seeking feedback to pinpoint where I'm weak.

>Have you ever thought about not being Cliche?

I'm breaking cliché with the setting, some of the things I am incorporating, and plot.

No, more just making the offer to trade critiques. I know critiques are valuable for me, so I was offering like for like.

...

Get a trip, OP.

A what now?

holy shit at least spellcheck your shit before asking for feedback

But why the fuck do you need to take a picture of yourself?

Because he's hot obviously.

My plan was to take a picture with the poster's ID with my critique, to prove that I was indeed reading and critiquing their work. However, nobody has asked, so...

You look exactly like how imagine the troglodytes who post in genre fiction generals.

Way too much expository writing describing the scene and setting. Fuck the brackish ferns, and the landscape "laying out" before Elias.

Why do I give a fuck about Elias?
Why do I like him?
Why can I see myself in him?

I've never said, "I needed that." after doing anything. After the first couple pages that was the only attempt I saw at trying to connect the reader to the character.

I'm a harsh person in life. So this isn't insulting. It's honest, and it's to help you. I took time out of my life to read a stranger's fiction and offer feedback. Don't be an oversenstivie bitch and take it too harshly.
Faggot.
Lol.

Fair enough. I appreciate the feedback. This first chapter seems to be the one I'm stumbling on the most, so I'm not all salty about it having issues.

However, if you want to see yourself in other men, are you not the faggot? And after all, we're on Veeky Forums. We're all faggots here, so don't be all judgy.

>I'm breaking cliché with the setting
>High fantasy swords and sorcery stuff.

kys for this weak bait, senpai.

:^)

You cannot write, you cannot think and you look like an egg.

This user posting again in order for you to understand that my criticisms aren't baseless.

>Midsummer's Day was about two weeks past, and the sun beat down on the mountains with a relentless indifference.

The sun, or rather sunlight, does not 'beat'. Light can not strike something with the force suggested by 'beat', nor does it do so repeatedly. 'Relentless indifference'. Really? This is almost oxymoronic. This is to say nothing for the mixed tenses and the lack of substance.

>Elias wiped the sweat from his brow, flinging the droplets to the ground, watching them evaporate almost instantly.

This is hilarious. Is he a cartoon character? Do his glands produce excess amounts of sweat? Assuming this is the case why is he then 'flinging' them with such force? And then he proceeds to watch them evaporate? Really?

How about space opera? It's Science fantasy-ish

Btw, this is me again.
You're overusing the words "he" and "his".

... have you seriously never left your basement long enough to experience sweating? I'm not even fat like OP, and I've been able to flick drops of sweat off my forehead. That shit dries up fast when it hits the ground on a hot day.

Rip his shit up for legit reasons, don't be a faggot.

Here's a link for a download

amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B01G0TOU14/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1464488055&sr=1-1&pi=SY200_QL40&keywords=fusion heart&dpPl=1&dpID=51EbHhVKuvL&ref=plSrch

I think you should use sheep instead of lamb. Lambs are innocent, cute, and docile. But I guess that's up to you.

Working on some fantasy stuff, draft of a chapter from a few months ago.

>pastebin.com/nMRgwJp6

implying sheep are nor cute, docile and huggable

And some criticisms of the first chapter:

-When narrating a character's physical actions, trust your reader's intelligence. Relay the action itself to them, not just its significance. Doing the latter is 1) unnecessary, since they will be able to figure that out themselves, and 2) insufficient, since it leaves an important narrative gap in drawing attention to their action yet not telling the reader what that action is. So for example:

>Jonas looked at him oddly.

There is no such action as looking at someone oddly. Just say what he did. The reader should be able to figure out whether that's odd or not. And if they can't, then the narration doesn't make sense to begin with, unless you're only trying to relay the narrator's sense that the look was odd, which doesn't seem to be what's happening here.

And for things like this too:

>A mercenary life would afford him a better living than a dock hand or laborer, but it would also be more likely to get him killed. It wasn't often you saw a retired mercenary.

You simply do not need to say this. You are basically assuming your reader does not know what the word 'mercenary' means, or that they are an idiot. If the point is that you're conveying your protagonist's thought process, the you make your protagonist look like an idiot. Trust the reader to know the protagonist would think these things, in the same way you trust the reader not to have it narrated to them that the protagonist thinks 'left foot, right foot' whenever they walk.

Same for the part where they're discussing names. You don't have to tell your reader that your protagonist doesn't have an Elven name. This should simply be apparent from the sorts of names that Elves, and the protagonist, have. You don't need to have characters TELL your reader what Elven names sound like. Just INCLUDE Elven names in the story.

A trip code. You don't have to always take a picture of yourself to prove you're you.

Veeky Forums.org/faq#trip

>Curly quotes and apostrophes.

Never ever for manuscripts.

>Print Length: 389 pages

Damn, nigga. You wrote all that?

I've never published through Amazon before, but does it force you into Times New Roman? I'm flipping through the "Look inside" now.

Sent some of my work to your throw away e-mail, just letting you know. I'll try and read some more and maybe give some feedback, but I'll do it through the e-mail not here.

Hey, thanks. I got the emails, and I'll look over your work as soon as I can. My boss's boss fucked my schedule, so I work tomorrow... it'll have to be after work.

Unacceptable. I've talked to your boss, he said take the day off. This is more important.

Kek. I wish.

lambs are even more so. A lamb won't get into a fight like that. A sheep is more suited as a gullible thing. Someone gullible would be fighting a character like that.