Can I write?

>We scan all the wrong poems
>We enjoy - all the wrong memes
I could have been my masterpiece and I fucked it up.

This is where you're wrong; you can write a relatable piece that an audience can identify with, but if that's the only prevailing asset of the piece, then it is boring and uninspired. You want to write something that is close enough to the readers that they can understand the experience, yet unique enough that they haven't heard the same take before.

This is just what I needed, Thank you.

This introductory paragraph is awful.

what if I'd later commented on my juvenile self-aggrandizement? and we might fall into this habit while young and naive?

bump

It sounds like an interesting story to me. Keep at it and good luck to you!

its pretentious shit of a pretentious kid who has nothing to say

This kind of shit to me reads like navel-gazing. If you were maybe more urgent about conveying your point to the reader rather than prefacing your authority with menial, hyperbolic observations, it *might* be more interesting.

I don't want to read another fucking diary from some Salinger-esque child and it seems like you're trying too hard to make it appear as if you aren't straining for the next insulting adjective. No one is impressed by this shit. Read some real introspective masters like St. Augstine or Descartes before believing you have something vital to offer.

Don't let the bad press discourage you op. Even if it is less than you expected. Keep on writing.

I dont really have a point to convey actually, all i wanted was to test my style of writing, and now I know that it could do with more emphasis on content, less on style. I have also learned that the thoughts are relateble, yet offer nothing new. it is the first non academic prose Ive written in recent years, I usually just write for my philosophy courses, yes on the phenomenologists and pre-phenomenologists. So i am indeed familiar with the masters of introspection. give Levinas a chance if you have the time.

The first paragraph literally induced diarrhea in me
You could explain it all in maybe two sentences yet you write like a ninth grader who just found a thesaurus.

bump

cool..so less is more, Thanks

I read the rest on my toilet because the squirts won't stop and it's actually worse. You write like John green before he decided to completely pander to his audience; a mess of 'deep' kbservations from le edgy alienated kid xDDD who is swept away by a dream girl

No one really wants to read about a fucking college kid... because most people aren't fucking college kids

youtube.com/watch?v=w5R8gduPZw4

@ 2:40 seems like something you need to hear

>also, a girl.
You really didn't need to call attention to your gender like that.

>youtube.com/watch?v=w5R8gduPZw4
Im really glad I posted this, Veeky Forums is a lot more ruthless than i expected. Thanks for the beat down, its perspective I could not have gained in any other way

bump

btfo

it guarantees replies

So many damn adjectives in that first sentence.

But I like the last two sentences in the first paragraph tho. The rest of it is pretty awful. First paragraph wise. If you're not saying anything important, at least ramble in an interesting way. It's way too over-descriptive. Bogged down in a way that drags it out.

Second paragraph is shit. It feels cliche and overdone. Third I like. It sounds like a college student monologuing right in the middle of an old noir film. Throw out some metaphors for their drug-induced mental agony and you'd never tell the difference.

That intro really is godawful. Especially the congratulatory "it took a bit of guts to finally post this somewhere" bit when all you have is two paragraphs that essentially say nothing.

You've got the style of these sorts of things down, but they're always banal and pointless, even if people tend to eat them up.

>say nothing.
You people are obsessed with this shit.

it's aight. i wouldn't publish it or anything, but it's probably good for you (and your mental health) to keep writing this

You called it a "work in progress". If it's just your diary (t b h), which would be an appropriate context for a block of text that has no purpose other than talking about yourself, then what would the point of anyone judging it even be?

One or both of you needs to work on your reading comprehension.

>the pull of self awareness, became so power that I believed collapse
>believed collapse
>believed
>collapse

What does the author mean?

nigga what

>.... And
>flat grey, fifty shades of loneliness

>travesties

And that's where I stopped reading.

why?

>My firs year at college was a tapestry of flat grey, fifty shades of loneliness and anxiety
wth

I fell contempt towards you. Not exactly bored but disinterested and annoyed that you think these minor self realizations would hold any value to anyone but yourself. If writing this is your form of therapy then keep it to yourself or share it when it's actually finished and not a single page of meaningless drivel.