Can you judge my writing lit?

Don't presume the audience's interest in what you have to say or who you are. Why should we care? When you use the word I (and you do quite a bit), who is I? You're completely self-obsessed senpai.

You think to deeply into things. I just like that picture and it's the first picture I grabbed from my downloads folder.

Idk, why should I care if you care who I am? I'm referring to my own experience, so naturally I would have to refer to myself. I'm self reflecting. Should I try to be detached from my own feelings and act as if I'm observing something outside of myself? That makes no sense, also sounds like it would be even more confusing to the reader..

Not him but he may be saying you and your topic/writing style aren't interesting enough to maintain reader attention when there's so much more to read. I felt bored right away, but I forced myself to keep going, most will not.

But whatever, user, write your way/stay mad.

>tumblr

here we go...

After reading the first few lines, the first thing that pops into my head is, "trying too hard". That's not necessarily a bad thing, we all do it sometimes, your piece just lacks a cohesive flow. There's no rhythm, if you know what I mean.

Take this line from the first paragraph:
>The stretch leading up to the race course was a time where everyone just sat around and just chatted with each other.

It just feels wrong. The first thing that jumps out at me is the use of the word "just". It's superfluous here, and using it twice in quick succession like that is jarring. You can cut both or either, but something needs to go.

>The stretch leading up to the race course was a time where everyone sat around and chatted with each other.

There's a lot of other superfluous language in here, too.
>leading
>a time
>with eachother

All of this stuff can go, and it should. Having some extra clutter around to help maintain prose and convey your own voice is fine, but this is overkill.

>The stretch up to the race course, everyone sat around and chatted.

Now we're getting somewhere! It's not perfect, but it's a lot better. The prose still feels off, though. Let's change some phrasing and see where we get.

>As we approached the starting line, everyone sat around and chatted.

Still better, but the second half feels pretty weak now.

>As we approached the starting line, the air was abuzz with the idle chitter-chatter of the crew.

Okay, that's a big jump all at once, I know, but bear with me. In the piece, the sentence served the purpose of setting the tone. The chill air, the calm people, your dad's jacket, it all serves to set the frame of mind you were in when you discovered whatever it is you discovered. Tone setting has a certain rhythm to it. You generally want to err on the side of poetry when you're setting the tone, with artsy language and the like, though don't worry about rhyme or meter.

Read the two sentences back to back.

>The stretch leading up to the race course was a time where everyone just sat around and just chatted with each other.
>As we approached the starting line, the air was abuzz with the idle chitter-chatter of the crew.

In both sentences, we hit the same beats: people chatting, getting close to the start. In the first sentence, all emphasis is placed on the people chatting. The starting line and atmosphere are brushed aside as you race past on your way to explain who's doing what. In the story, the people around you don't matter, so why emphasize them?

In the latter, however, the emphasis is placed on the atmosphere, the whole point of the sentence in the first place. Rather than explicitly saying, "the people chatted," like something you'd find in an elementary school story time book, we are simply made aware that there was chatter.

cont.

Your entire piece is like this. Every single sentence is bogged down with useless, boring, language. Superfluous words and phrases sprinkled throughout your piece can be okay if you at least have some decent prose, but this reads like textbook.

My advice: keep the boring, diary-tier writing to yourself.

Read a lot. Poetry, song lyrics, Shakespeare, whatever you can find with an obvious rhythm to it.

Listen to catchy music while you write and try to keep the same rhythm in your writing.

Copy the style and vocabulary of your favorite author until you feel comfortable enough to develop on your own.

Read what you write aloud as you write it. If it sounds bad or unnatural, change it. I've read this entire post aloud four times in typing it, and two of those were all the way through.

Just don't be boring, man. I didn't even get past the first paragraph before I knew this was gonna be hell. And stopped.

Christ, and I thought the last one was overdone. I've out done myself.

i think your editing is off on this

>stretch
this is a really awful word choice on OP's part, but I think it's meant as a truncated "the stretch of time leading up to the race course was a time etc etc" which is awful for multiple reasons.

the repeated of time/ a time and just/just is simply too horrible to bear.

The solution OP took was to truncate the first expression. So, "the stretch leading up to" which is awful. The word is so confusing there, are people stretching before the race, are they crossing a distance (the usual meaning of stretch in that use context) or are they "just waiting around" as is said at the end of the sentence (in seeming contradiction with the verbiage at the beginning of the sentence) passing a stretch of time.

completely awful writing.

>in the time leading up to the race everyone sat and talked with each other

is 1000x times better

ugh fuck writing.

work on the second paragraph, the third paragraph is really good, the rest is ok and the ending is shit...try writing one with the same point, but a different style or something ( reach the conclusion in a different way)

While I'd agree that your rewrite is better than the original, I still wouldn't call that ""good"". It still lacks any sense of flow, prose, or cohesion with the rest of the piece or even with the paragraph on its own. Removing the worst of it doesn't make the rest any better.

As I said, if your opening paragraph is about setting the frame of mind you're in for your "self discovery," why not put in some effort into actually setting the fucking tone: slow, calm, hazy, lazy, that sort of shit.

I wouldn't say that my rewrite is the best either, I think OP has a lot of ways he can go with it. This is a pretty personal piece, and as such it should reflect OP first and foremost. The sad part is that I think it does. Right now, it's lazy and takes itself may more seriously than it should.

I've done the same thing in my diary, but I don't parade it around tumblr and Veeky Forums as if it's some great moral insight to the human condition and ask others to rate it.

I'd work on the second paragraph, but I don't go and revise what I wrote. I just write what I write in the way I would say it, then if I want to improve I do that next time. This way I don't get too hung up on details and just write. It's never been a pretentious experience for me. I just go and write what I want to say in one go, for better or for worse. I know it seems like I'm going against my better judgment right now, going against the people who give me honest feedback, because that's essentially what I asked for. No, I like that you did that and I appreciate your feedback, I'm just saying that this is where I'm coming from. I don't write stuff because I feel that it has to please people, I feel that there's something incredibly obsequious about that, it makes me feel like I don't want to write at all because essentially I'm answering to someone else's appraisal instead of just going by what I gut instinct tells me to do. I knew when I read over that once that there would be redundancies, but I didn't bother going into fix them because I didn't really feel like touching my own work. Unless there's a typo that's so blatant it completely skews what I was trying to say, I generally don't make many changes. Yeah sure, I'm always trying to better myself when I write something, maybe I just haven't been as inspired to write anything lately. Lately I have been feeling a lot less anxiety in my life, people have told me before that my writing is actually pretty good, those times have been when I wrote something very anxious and was venting my anxieties into my writing. When I don't have that sort of muse for my writing inside of me I don't think that I really have any true inspiration to write anything, without sounding like I'm just trying to impress people. I did go and write something though, even though I didn't really feel like I was in the mood for writing, because I had wanted to write something. I personally felt sort of satisfied with what I'd written, so I decided that I wanted to go post it on Veeky Forums for kicks to see what other people thought. Believe me,I braced myself for what would come. I think that people think I take myself really seriously which I think is totally wrong. Some of you did make honest productive critiques of it though and I appreciate that.

And moreover, I wanted to write something positive. Historically on my blog I try to write negative things, I'm having my go at trying to write positive things and yes this is literally just my diary.

I thought I made a good point about relaxing and enjoying life and it all applies to real dilemmas I have been facing. The whole post is supposed to be about realization of real life struggles, it's not supposed to be amusing and tell things in a really fluffy cotton candy manner. I know I used some redundancies, who cares? How does that overshadow the whole point of the writing, coming from me a super pessimistic person, about actually enjoying your life? What could be more relevant?

boomp

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Annapolis sucks

I don't remember it sucking, I actually remember it being a very beautiful historic town. I wasn't there for that long so I really have nothing more than a shallow filthy tourist perspective. It was a while ago too, I got my own foul weather jacket and my dad says it would fit a puppet at this point because I was so small in my teens. If I were to rate the city on it's looks alone though, I'd definitely say it's a beautiful city.

Beautiful and historic, yes, but there's nothing to know beyond that "shallow filthy tourist perspective." It's packaged quaintitude for the rich.

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what is this

idk dude