ITT come up with terrible opening lines for a novel. I'll start

ITT come up with terrible opening lines for a novel. I'll start.

Hemlock looked at the dead bodies pitifully, the horses of his mind galloping towards a suspect.

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It was dark in the city and raining, and a child's forgotten balloon floated by.

An immense ass bobbed up and down inches from Bobby's face, but his mind was elsewhere; every waking second, his thoughts gravitated with utmost certainty towards cock.

Henrietta vaulted out of the agency bird like a seasoned pro, not, of course, that she wasn't, and her encrypted sat phone chirped with an intel update: "Mom, don't forget about my parent teacher conference tonight!"

Dr.Pavel, I'm CIA.

Once upon a time there will be princesses and kings and shiet.

The story you are about to red is a story of class struggle and hip hop.

"Wow," growled the inspector as his keen falcon eyes gazed over the crime scene, "that's too much spaghetti."

It all started when OP sucked a bunch of fat ones

I am seated in an office, surrounded by heads and bodies.

*we wuz dem

The women slovenly roam outside the glass doors, like burger-birds too fat to fly.

I, standing in the rain in my trench coat smoking a cigarette—then it happened

winner

that's not even a sentence

Reader! Yes, I'm talking to you, the one reading this novel!
I urge you to not read this book and I will continue to do so for at least one or two more pages! Put away the book!

The bad guy ate some ice cream, and got brainfreeze just like everyone else.

t. Lemony Snickett

Wow.

Stahp.

Very edgy. 10/20 good job.

Yo, motha died this day. Or maybe yesterday; ah can't be sho slap mah fro!

I am angry and I said "I am angry and I said "I am angry and I said" I am angry and I said,"""" said I.

>ah can't be sho slap mah fro!

fucking top laff

Here's the excerpt from my erotic satirization of famous novels.

>A creaming comes across her eye. It has happened before, but never so stately, or so plump. Sitting in her room, she gave me head, even though I already came - all over her body. On second nut, came the running of the bulls. A wave of my period-colored handkerchief was the signal. She was mounted on all sides, and I sunk to the back of the room, standing cock in hand. The virile man I was, I was hard again, tingling my prostate as I stroked to the midnight rhythm of bestial thrusts.

best 1
laughed irl

This gave me deja vu.

spooky bro

So yeah, my dick was definitely stuck... Why did I not just wait till I found a real girl...

Sounds kind of like Jane Austen

In a dark and spooky night came a midnight fright.

"Your new" he said, handing me the stick.
"Yes." I replied, "This new is mine"
He merely grunted as he sniffed my fingers, "Well, go on in, mister..." he looked at my card.
"It's pronounced 'Fay-go'." I suggested, hiding my erection behind the latest issue of 'Practical Caravan'.
"Well, " he said - handing back my card, "You're the worst kind of 'Faygo'."

i can't pinpoint why but i really hate this, good job

Do you think even she herself has a problem viewing herself as a real person and not a sex object?

One day Toby found a pair of magical pants, and when he wore them he grew to adult size and was given a job at Wells Fargo.

Multiversity much?

>tripfag
opinion discarded

"STOP!" I muttered as she slammed the door behind her, slowly sliding down the wall opposite the door, weeping as I'm glaring at the door.

"Yiff! Yiff" I yapped with excitement as uloguio's twisty duckpenis penetrated the rosy hole of my cute fox butt.

/thread

what is life?

baby don't hurt me

t. average shitdittor

Once upon a time and a very good time it was there was a moocow that was coming down along the road...

this is actually really good
not cringe at all

Made me laugh because I sometimes think about big black cock while fucking my girlfriend :D That probably shouldn't make me laugh though.... should it?

no one fall for this.

trips confirm

Emma watson looked at her fingers. Oh God! Her fingers had become smaller Emma Watsons, and they were all faking orgasms unconvincingly. She needed a drink. Or two.

Whoever said "Blood is thicker than water." was clearly not accustomed with the Water Shinobi village of Mizuoyu.

youtube.com/watch?v=h0B7Z3JERdk

rofl

I'd read that desu.

Mr and Mrs Dursley, of number four, Privet Drive, were proud to say that they were perfectly normal, thank you very much.

Horace methodically peeled the dry smegma from his glans in contemplation. With his spare hand he languidly smeared porridge on the windows of Pizza Hut.

The world was ending ever since the seas turned to pure liquid cocaine, and now the cops were too high to arrest everyone, and arrested themselves for being too high.

kek 10/10 my man

For the heart life is easy, it just beats as long as it can.

Sure they mocked now, but what they, the odious peasants, didn't know, was that I was their superior and that I would be the one laughing last.

Steven stepped out of the door, tightly gripping his copy of "The God Delusion" to keep himself from exploding under the pressure of his pent up motivation that he would channel into the Bernie Sanders rally later that day.

Call me Isaac.

I just laughed for a minute straight at that stupid metaphor, "the horses of his mind galloping".

IF YOU CAN MAKE IT THOUGH THIS YOU ARE A MORE PATIENT MAN THAN I AM

farsh-nuke.blogspot co uk/2016/03/fuzzy-logic-distraction-novelette-nsfw.html

This fat autist NEET wrote a novella, which is more than you shitlords will ever write. Enjoy a few extracts.

>

“Yes and here comes Anita Sarkesian, Zoe Quinn and Emma Watson carrying uzis as Hilary Clinton rides up in a tank and a couple of keyboard warriors shout impotent rape threats,”

>

"Cassie nodded “Smart guy, more than just a cock and balls I see. Well you probably know I’m hot at artificial intelligence and computer science already but I like to read outside my field. I’m very into sword and sorcery, mythology, psychology, philosophy. What do you know of quantum mechanics?”

Jeff’s jaw dropped and he stared."

>

The Bam-Kursh stepped out from behind a red British post box. “Hello there, Charlie.”

Charlotte glared at her. “What do you want?”

“To give you a job.” said the Bam-Kursh. “You took out the SLF hunting the Farsh-nuke, without killing them. You summoned the Farsh-nuke. You created Cassie the Cattle Girl for me. You created friendly generalised artificial intelligence. You are a genius and you’re ruthless and you are useful.”

Charlotte laughed. “Why the fuck would I ever do anything to help you!?”

“Because unlike the Farsh-nuke I’ll let you embrace your darkness and since he isn’t here anymore I think maybe you can put this to some use.” said the Bam-Kursh removing a copy of Cassie from her pocket. The young woman had a blindfold obver her eyes and wore nothing but a carefully tied bow.

Charlotte removed the blindold and Cassie’s eyes looked into hers imprinting on her.

“No rights, no regulations, no paperwork.” said the Bam-Kursh “And just this once, as it is you and your most treasured of students, no fucks given if you rape her. Have fun. I’ll be in touch.”

The Bam-Kursh was gone by the time Charlotte’s Cassie realised hjust what exactly this meant.

Charlotte giggled as she watched her muse squirm. “I win.”

Albert politely shot an enemy in the forehead, spinning his gun like a pen between his fingers in time to an imaginary Beethoven sonata.

I smoked a cig as i wondered about the complexities of my life and what I might be when I'm older. It made me scared and then I fist bumped my teacher and went home to play runescape.

Van "Willy the Kid" Flynnyard cowboy'd his way on to his horse with no name, with cowboy-like eyes peered towards the horizon, but at nothing in particular, his vision being poor, cowboyishly turned his horse in the opposite direction, and in cowboy fashion began zigzagging with his stallion to throw his pursuers off his trail. Life ain't easy in the Wild West. No, it sure ain't.

"Welcome to high school," headmaster Dr Lazarus McBlunt said, rolling two joints at once and stuffing them into his mouth, "the name's no simile."

Xavier always wanted to appreciate things, like how a death row inmate would cherish his last meal.

This isn't that bad. It has some nice imagery.

The hustle and bustle is a symphony of progress. We pan past windows, each of which contain a different story, to find Jacey Lakims, 28. Hot, but doesn't know it. Jacey stops when her high heel gets caught in the grating of a sewer. Suddenly, a man steps into frame and points a gun at her. This is not her day.

Anemic fatigue ensconced David as he crawled, in agony, toward his second Pulitzer.

It wasn't an exciting day yet so far, but it was about to be soon.

Dr Clef and SCP-682 tumbled through the air, snarling insults at each other as they approached the surface of Jupiter.

this is pretty good

Wrong.

fuck reading the story I want to go to this school

I'd read it

In this world rap has power; the earth was formed by it and can be destroyed by it. Deadlier than any weapon, the toughest rappers are called Wizards of Flow.

maybe it is better in norwegian

9/10

Nope.

I'm in my mother's room. It's I who live there now.

sure bud

My nose ran as fast as a bullet, skidding around a corner and smashing through a pane of glass.

Werethenewamericanasmokinglegalcobanaraisedonbiggyjuinawerethe newamericana from the bend of gay cums to us loadus maximimus. It's happened before but tyrone has nofapped for a year and a gallon shot is an example of what Hegel meant when he said that quantitative, here fluid rather than discreet but the hoe won't care, changes turns into a qualitive changes wich is also, like all things, the feminie non-all, femine because of her face coopts the homosexuality of the male """""performer""""" which would not have happened if people just listened to Stalin. Sniff...

would read son

Intersectional feminism creates trans-indiviual socio-linguistic problem spaces excaerbated by hegemonic intentional choice and post-colonialist texts. Fookin' cunts amirite

Every thread there's twenty faggots like you who all think alike.
Yes, you took a famous opening we all recognize and put edgy words instead of the regular words! HILARIOUS
Where's your individuality? Where's your original thoughts? How do you feel being part of a hivemind? And wow, gay cums, that definitely makes me - a 12 years old - laught very much.

"I may be a spoon," said Samuel Spoon, "but I can climb this mountain."

>thread is about bad openers
>criticizes it for being bad

Sounds like a nice opening for a children's story

For twelve years, you have been asking: Who is John Galt? This is John Galt speaking. I am the man who loves his life.

You have talent.

I didn't criticize it for being bad.
I criticized you and every other faggot putting the word "cum" in the beggining of gravity's rainbow for being an hivemind of unoriginal tryhards

And quite little of it corresponds to famous opener words anyway.

>putting the word "cum" in the beggining of gravity's rainbow
I didn't.

I'll give it that maybe i started the beef with the least bad of the pack but what about all the others:
"Yo, motha died this day. Or maybe yesterday; ah can't be sho slap mah fro!"
"A creaming comes across her eye. It has happened before, but never so stately, or so plump. Sitting in her room, she gave me head, even though I already came - all over her body. On second nut, came the running of the bulls. A wave of my period-colored handkerchief was the signal. She was mounted on all sides, and I sunk to the back of the room, standing cock in hand. The virile man I was, I was hard again, tingling my prostate as I stroked to the midnight rhythm of bestial thrusts."

All of the heroes of the world had used a time machine to go to the future, where they needed to fight against Spammers.

Kate was very romantic. She knew the names of all the flowers and listened to Snow Patrol and The Police (band).

The man put down his Coke Zero and picked up his katana.