Write what's on your mind

It's to do with chemistry, as much as it is to do with a lot of psychological trauma. Got abused by my mother's family mentally and physically throughout my childhood, and I think I was six when I heard about suicide and said "Yes, I want to do that". I've had maybe four or five attempts since then, but they were not serious and only three or four people I'm close/was close with know.

I'm really glad you've never felt suicidal, though.

Come now user, tell me why? Is it really an inseparable part of you? Everyone is malleable and can change.

You're not the same person you were a year ago, you don't have to be the same person you are now in the future. It's not "Ill fitting" to not kill yourself because you can really change almost any part of yourself. You don't realize how stupid it is to kill yourself yet, but you can't really reason with suicidal urges. Professionals know how to deal with this stuff and provide proper support.

More people care about you and are concerned for you than you think, even some stranger on the internet is a little worried about you.

t. concerned chucklefuck

A lack of any communication that truly focusses on my aspirations and orientations has lead to my whole inner emotional life turn into a turmoil-fueled vague mess that favors vague and safe sadness and bitterness to true despair. This is a problem that many of the kids of this age will have to face: what is left if we define ourselves by all that we consume and think if our sensory organs have such an overload of information that we can't even be sure about the authenticity of our world view. I can't live my life with a vague sense of righteousness about never having chosen any option, tagging along the path my parents told me to while despising what I'm doing. Basically, it's getting hard to understand why we even do what we do and why bother trying your best if every day feels like rotting slowly away? Thanks for reading my diary btw.

Thanks user for your show of empathy for me, by saying you're glad I never felt suicidal. I know it means absolutely nothing coming from me, but don't be sad, feeling sad is really stupid. You just need some time to yourself where you can be away from negative stimuli and learn how to enjoy your day. I've had anxiety, but no suicidal thoughts, but I think I worked through it alright, so I could only hope that you could do the same. It's not funny that you're having those thoughts, it's actually sort of a bummer and if there's anything I could say that would make your day better, I hope that it would be simply that I hope somehow you can find a reason to enjoy your life.

>sort of a bummer
not sort of a bummer, really a bummer. correcting myself.

I'm not trying to be melodramatic when I say I caught myself in the midst of a mental breakdown. For a week I had compulsory sensations of creating a transcendent piece of artwork that had to do with a fallen angel. I woke up one morning and saw that I had scribbled nonsensical wordplay trying to disprove common "positive" psychology by showing the roots of the word happiness and freedom are based upon material gain. It really scared me that I had slipped so far from what I strive to be as a person (i.e. rational and sound in a general sense). I feel really isolated right now and even when I look at pictures of my brother I feel I'm looking at a stranger. Like I can't really connect to anything other than at a surface level and real "connected-ness" is impossible and an illusion that we as societal beings use to find comfort in against the nothing. Thanks for letting me get this out it really does mean a lot.

my life is a mess and I'm too far lost in the chaos to put things in order

i should probably stop drinking so much water

Like I told other user, it's been pretty much a constant throughout my life since childhood. I don't actually really remember a time when I didn't genuinely feel like death was just as valid an option as any, or more valid.

I know some people care about me, and that's exactly why I would be running away. I'm kind of at a crossroads where I can do that now and pass it off as 'mid-twenties wanderlust' to the couple of people who do still care intimately.

And not that it really matters to the argument, but I have been pretty stagnant as a person for the last three years now. I've lived most of it on cruise control, or drunk.

I've been alone my whole life and I'm close to killing myself

I know this sounds cliché but you should really go see a therapist, it may help you just to vent and let your feelings about disconnection (is it that?) flow out. Sometimes trying to keep a rational facade is a bad way of dealing with suppressed emotions. Humans aren't always rational beings.

I take notes constantly throughout the day, I take notes on my phone, and on pads of paper, or even just mental notes which I often forget. I write in fragments, bits of prose or poetry, but I can't seem to string a story together. I fear that even if I were able to string a story together it would never live up to my own standards, or that it wouldn't be something I would read and enjoy.

I appreciate the thoughts, but I'm honestly not even sad about it anymore, or sad about my life. It's more like emptiness or lack of ability to care about myself. Suicide wouldn't make me any sadder, or happier, because those things don't really enter into my want of it. It would just make me nothing.

I've been depressed but never suicidally depressed, at least not particularly close to actually trying it. Does the idea of doing some drastic thing just to see because the alternative is either death or constant desire for death not feel like it's worth a shot. E.g going to Tibet and becoming a monk and meditating 15 hours a day to see if you can find some inner peace or some other thing of this nature.

Well, if anything, my train ride across the country will either turn me onto that mode of thinking, or make me permanently set on ending my life. I'd like to feel that way, but at this point I don't.

I can't live with my parents anymore. It's not that I don't like them, but I find it hard to tolerate how they think.
None of them was educated beyond elementary school, so I was the first from this branch off the family to go to college. I'm afraid this has been creating a sort of gap between us, since the topics I have taken interest in, are the ones I cannot talk with them, and the topics they want to talk are such that I cannot bring myself to take them seriously. This has been going on for a while, and I feel I'm becoming strange to my own home.
I'm an old person, but graduate school doesn't leave me a lot of time for a job, and I want to finish before moving out.

Mostly innate. I tried to off myself once, the funny thing about it was that I was taking antidepressants when I did it. Nobody ever knew, and I never told anyone, not even my therapist.

I need something to devote myself to. Constant media consumption just doesn't cut it anymore. I already find myself losing the connection I once had with music. I don't know what I'd do if that also happened to my relationship with film and literature.

I've considered going back to religion but I don't think I'm ready to make that plunge, and don't know if I ever will be. Maybe I should do some volunteer work.

I'm learning more and more about the mental illness that runs on my fathers side, a history of depression and dementia. My father convinced my uncle to leave his wife of 40 years, I think it's because he's a lone and wants somebody to be lonely with. My uncle is slowly losing his mind so it's pretty sickening that's he's taking advantage of that. Scary thing is me and my dad aren't far off from eachother, as he puts it: "He's addicted to pussy." Which, if genetic, explains a lot of the action of my brothers and me. I've always been aware of my need for love. I don't stay single long, and it's a fault, I'll take the first thing that comes my way. I'm happy with my current girlfriend, she's passionate about veterinary medicine, and me. Outside of that she has no hobbies which puts a strain on our relationship because she wants to spend much more time together than I do. It also doesn't help I'm still in love with my ex who makes just enough promises to string me a long.

>people who do still care intimately.

Holy shit man you have people who care for you intimately have you talked to them? If it is chemical, you need to get some meds for it.

I've known several people who've been severely depressed and did mushrooms and got better and apparently some science backs it up theguardian.com/science/2016/may/17/magic-mushrooms-lift-severe-depression-in-clinical-trial if you're gonna kill yourself you might as well do something crazy beforehand.

You can't argue your way out of this mindset if you're at the point where you just feel totally indifferent, you need something to unfuck your brain.

If you are dead set on the train ride I hope it turns out well for you, you can meet some amazing people on train rides if you hang out in the lunch cart and chit chat. Don't be afraid, if you are an anxious person, you will probably never fucking see anyone on the train again. You're not going to see anyone again if you kill yourself, so you might as well enjoy the people around you while you can.

props to you for making it this far.

Also, since this thread is mostly dark and helpless-feeling, here's some music to fit that.

youtube.com/watch?v=bHZRwtTQA28&ab_channel=pedroby

t. the King of Chucklefuckery

we love you user :(

I would say there are two people, my step-sister and my dad. She's 10, and he's very dismissive. He doesn't really believe depression is a thing, that people just feel suicidal because they're not strong enough to get over things. I love him, but yeah, he's not the greatest outlet.

I tried medication for a year and... Nah, never again. I think I tried four different SSRI's and they all made me unable to cum and made me gain twenty pounds. That's a fate worse than death. Dopamine worked better but made me more prone to mania and violence, especially when I would drink.

I do appreciate the thought, though. I'm actually planning to drop with a buddy of mine before one of the concerts.

This is what I got from a 10-minute stream of consciousness:

Upon the breath of dragons came the smoldering corpses of planets which look through the glass that witches spoke through in Times forgotten by all the apes that would constantly stare at the number seven. I didn’t like the attitude of some Cambodian missionaries who would row through the seas on the back of mountains and aligned with them all were much too few different severed bodies of the apocalypse which should fall before all the chains tying the roots of the earth. I didn’t bring much alcohol to fill all the bottles that would stick out beneath the salt sea of magnitude. When I lived in the watchtower I heard the constant clanking of processors built through the divine methods of molecular epitaxy past by the robots who created the human race. In the meanwhile I was driving a car which had no lights and could not expect how many of us would see the faces of pigeons reflected in our windows. Elvis lives and before he was a dinosaur he lived amongst Satan and Hephaestus creating black holes which encountered all the immortal races of the galaxy. The lives went on and the smoldering corpses were buried beneath witches and defecated upon and I liked the sweat scent of nice voluptuous women who would enwrap me with their sweaters which would lead to hesitant suffocation. I could not look either of them in the eye because I chose not to swear in public. We would not see how many of them were infantile and how many of them had rabbits growing from their claws. They could not produce evidence of all the crimes committed against the Polish people beneath all the stars that could have forged the first computers.Not only was it a myth that my head was enslaved benaath the sand by Jacki Chan who could ride the ocean waves on his bike it would also be fair to suspect that none of them lied to me when they were making up all the falsehoods that produced mankind’s first origin spirits. It was not known whether or not I would like to be thought of as a person that could go on without trying and know the shapes of buildings by looking upon them. It would seem obvious to myself that I was beneath a sky that shouted all the names of the bands that made Loveless a thing and none of the noises breathing on my skin.

Alright dude, it sucks that you don't have outlets. Hopefully the concerts and dropping will convince you it's good to continue.

I don't think this is an easy thing to really do but remember that thoughts are just thoughts, you don't have to listen to them. You can't control feelings, but your thoughts you have a little bit of control over. If you can start wrestling with your thoughts, every little bit of control you get over them makes it easier, it is an upward spiral. It is a very good feeling to be able to tell thoughts that want you to do something stupid like kill yourself or play vidya and waste time, fuck you im going to go do something actually worth my time, but separating yourself from your thoughts and feelings is really difficult to start.

You can get in a downward spiral that you can't get out of, but the reverse is true, you can get in an upward spiral and not be able to stop, but starting is the really hard part. I found that the best way is to help people around you, that makes them happier, then they are more likely to help you, then you are more likely to want to help people around you... etc. this spreads throughout a social circle. This can put you in a good state of mind and make it easier to change yourself to be healthier.

Just trying to offer help, I know I probably sound really stupid and condescending. What you need more than anything else is probably some kind of support instead of stupid advice but It's difficult to offer real emotional support over the internet. I just hope it matters to you that a bunch of internet strangers care enough to take time out of their day to tell you not to kill yourself.People you don't even know care about you! isn't that amazing!

Here is one last idea for you, when you are somewhere big and quiet, empty, preferably somewhere natural, just start fucking running and screaming at the top of your lungs about the things you care about, it doesn't even have to be something you care about you can just fucking shout "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK" until you can't go anymore. Shout about how fucking impossible everything around you is, and the fact you can even do something so fucking stupid is amazing. It really can't hurt to try if you're just gonna kill yourself anyways so you might as well.

ripe fruit is good shit.

Depression rears its ugly head around once again, with it comes the suicidal ideation. I'm fairly certain I'll never actually take my own life, but thinking about my lifeless body hanging from a noose or of my brain splattered against a wall post-gunshot can be oddly comforting in times. Regular exercise worked wonders for my outlook at first, but eventually that becomes part of the routine and depression creeps over again.

I hate my shitty job that keeps me inside bagging groceries all day. My parents urge me to get a real job soon. The work itself will likely be more fulfilling but I'm sure I'll inevitably grow to resent it. I miss childhood summers. I want to enjoy the nice weather, go to museums, travel somewhere new once I have the funds, anything to break the fucking quotidian lifestyle I'm enmeshed in.

Also I feel like shit physically because I ate too much ice cream and cookies last night.

Dicks

No one's replying to my thread. Ah well.

idontread i just absorb information instantaouesly like limitless but better cuz im god yo bro lolez

can't wait to go buy some bullshit tomorrow. it's all I can think about today

I wish I had opinions on things and I wish I didn't loathe that which I don't want to even try and do. I am desperately trying to figure out what the fuck I am. I feel horrible because no matter what I try to do it feels to me !like a bunch of dishonest attempts at discovering myself. I keep lying to myself that one day I'll write something but I will never have it in me. I'm selfish, and I think more often than not that I'm better than everything I can't have or be and everything I could have but am too stubborn to have. I am surprised every day by the fact that my girlfriend is still with me and loves me no matter how shitty I am as a boyfriend. I'd die for her. I wish I could get over myself and act normal for once, for her at least. I can't stop thinking about death, I see it in everything. I don't have many real friends anymore. I think one of them is depressed as fuck. I miss one of my childhood friends and it's my fault we lost contact. I wish I was a kid for a day. We were all together then.

>I wish I had opinions on things
You do.

>loathe that which I don't want to even try and do
That's redundant.

>figure out what the fuck I am.
What do you mean?

>no matter what I try to do it feels to me like a bunch of dishonest attempts at discovering myself.
Why?

>I will never have it in me.
Shit, you have a time machine? Do share.

>how shitty I am as a boyfriend.
>I'd die for her.
Contradictory much?

>I wish I could get over myself and act normal for once, for her at least.
Is that what she wants or what you want?

>I can't stop thinking about death, I see it in everything.
So you're not blind and don't have short term memory. That's good to know.

>I don't have many real friends anymore.
I'm here.

>I think one of them is depressed as fuck. I miss one of my childhood friends and it's my fault we lost contact.
Go talk to them.

>I wish I was a kid for a day.
How old are you?

What does it mean to choose to be a woman? Why do I desire this in my heart? How did I get here not under threat of punishment, and in fact in spite of it?

What does it mean to my identity to desire men? How much longer can I stay in this relationship? I love her, but she's so deeply flawed, and I can feel the spark dying inside me day by day. I wish it was a man whose weight was pressed against me at night when no one else is looking.

I feel like I'm playing on the edge of sanity. I can hear demons calling to me from across the chasm, and I want to chase them, I truly do. What is objectively good about my life: my privileges, my intellect, the words on my degree and the title of my job, those motivations are crumbling. I have lost interest in scientific pursuits as a lifetime dedication, and I'm realizing that I'm here just for the sake of challenge, to prove to myself I can excel in a field reserved for genius and prestige, and I have and I no longer care for it.

All the other kids with the pumped up kicks
You'd better run, better run, outrun my gun

I'm feeling dizzy. I think it's because of the bike accident I just had but there's little to know corealtion between a bruise in the knee and throat and dizzines. I'm sick and tired of Spanish radio. The same songs over and over. I can't stand it. It makes me so angry. I feel like smashing a glass into the guy's throat. Anyhow gonna catch some pokemon tonight so I'm pretty chill about the day.

>I think it's because of the bike accident I just had but there's little to know corealtion between a bruise in the knee and throat and dizzines.
I'unno man, my mom fell dow real hard the other day and later that night she was reacting like she had one hell of a cold from the pain on her knee.

The loneliness is hard. But it's normal. Most people don't have the friendships or free time they had in childhood. It doesn't matter what you think you are because reality will decide for you. Thinking about death is healthy, and if you're serious it might force you to do something instead of dream about it.

What if my lover doesn't love me anymore

Ain't your responsibility.

Will getting a gf solve all my problems?

No, it will only make your single problems seem easy.

It's hard to start, but with my anxious mind needing to be freed from it's cage that is reality and soothing slavonic bands playing in the background I'll try...

Each day since I've grown from a child has been filled with a feeling of loneliness and nostalgia. Although I lack nothing in this life it seems so empty and shallow. I find activities which not just youngsters, but adults as well do pointless and mundane. Extraordinary social skills I posess stand unused and rot while I shorten my time and try to alleviate the pain by arguing with people I don't know in the pleasant mask of anonimity just to find myself rejected for my true opinions which can otherwise be taken as none other than a childish joke.
Then it's back to my pose. Usual funny and cheerful persona under which I hide my true self longing for something that can naver be fulfilled...

Absolutely not.

>tfw no one understands your gender and sexuality issues

Do you think that your actions will cause suffering on others?

At some of my worst moments that was the number one thing that would deter me from "taking that option."

Why'd you wanna be understood?

>>
I don't beyond "its OK I guess"

things I don't wanna do in my stubbornness not because I dislike them in themselves
And I get bitter because others find them fun and enjoy themselves

Self discovery

Because it never feels sincere and honest
I cringe at my attempts to be creative and productive

Don't need a time machine to know I am not gonna do it
I'm too stubborn, I'll probably even say I hate writing just because I can't do it

I never do anything fun or engaging with her
I'm never up for anything except hanging out her or my place
Tbh I feel contradictory lot in life, another annoyance to deal with
I wish it
I know she'd be happier too

Funny

H-hello

I did
He and others say I'm crazy for thinking he's depressed

23 and gotta work now

did you not realize what marriage was when you vowed you'd do it?

I've given up on myself, being anything. I used to be depressed for a while, feeling identity-less, existentially insignifcant, but now, I've just stopped expecting any more from myself and just wile away my days reading, playing video games, my viola...doesn't matter. I don't get any pleasure out of anything, and nothing really bothers me unless I allow it to. I'm alone, I don't even exactly feel like killing myself, just want some sort of resolution to my problems in life, but since I've just battled with the same issues daily I've decided fuck with it all and am living pathetically and stagnating

I'm 16 though, so it's not like I really have any major responsibilities I'm getting out of, I do well in school, but it's just a general attitude really.

Because I want to understand myself.

a lot of you guys are being sad sacks. I get it, I've been there, but dwelling on it doesn't help it any

don't sit around on Veeky Forums and brood. go for a walk, go meet some friends and family, go work on something, etc.

>"When I am assailed with heavy tribulations, I rush out among my pigs, rather than remain alone by myself. The human heart is like a millstone in a mill: when you put wheat under it, it turns and grinds and bruises the wheat to flour; if you put no wheat, it still grinds on, but then 'tis itself it grinds and wears away."

Contemplate gender and desire. It's a topic worthy of reflection for the depressed and lethargic.

friends or* family, my bad

don't hang out with both at the same time unless they're into that

>I don't beyond "its OK I guess"
That's how it is with absolutely everything?

>not because I dislike them in themselves
That's the case with most dislikes.

>Self discovery
Yes, but what does that mean? What is your self?

>I cringe at my attempts to be creative and productive
Well do you want to be creative or do you do it because you "should"?

>I'm too stubborn
Mhm. Ever realize saying you're stubborn is being stubborn?

>I'm never up for anything except hanging out her or my place
Maybe that's all she wants from you. Not everything needs to be lights and noise in life.

>another annoyance to deal with
Oh don't, contradiction is the spice of life.

>I know she'd be happier too
No, you don't.

>H-hello
Hey.

>He and others say I'm crazy for thinking he's depressed
You explained why you think he is?

>23
I'm 24 so you're a kid to me.

Why'd you wanna understand yourself?

NO!

i love ween

Happy Birthday Akari Akaza.

You have impeccable taste, user, and I like you for it. FLCL is sublime.

The scene in Aku no Hana where Nakamura tries to leave Kasuga behind is the ultimate expression of the feeling of being abandoned by God. Also, does anyone know the titles/authors of the books he borrows from Tokiwa in chapter 36? I asked on /a/ and got nothing, as expected.

Finding someone who understands you will solve some, but not all, of your problems. You won't find that person. Actually, if you're basic enough to think getting a gf would help you, then maybe you will. Good luck.

same

>Actually, if you're basic enough to think getting a gf would help you, then maybe you will. Good luck.
I was being flippant, I just want someone to talk to

In that case, I've got nothing better to do. How's life, user?

I was alone all my life until I discovered my Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ, now I don't feel alone at all and I love being alive

He's a bit like a vampire.

I dunno man, I just feel lost.
I've lost all passion for my interests and I don't even do anything anymore, I've spent the past month waking up at 3pm and shitposting and lurking til 5am then going to sleep

TO THE WINDOW
TO THE WALL
TILL THE SWEAT DROP DOWN MY BALLS
ALL DOSE BITCHES GET DOWN AND CRAWL
SKEET SKEET SKEET MOTHERFUCKER SKEET SKEET

Being on that kind of schedule tends to fuck with your hormones, I know that's what it did for me. Fix your sleep and then see how you feel.

As for the passion, that's just something that life beats out of you. Although it can be helpful to force yourself to do things that are emotionally engaging, instead of just defaulting to mindless internet browsing. Usually when I do that, I find myself wishing I'd done it much sooner.

thanks dude

Vanilla cock

I used to be you, then I got a job

now I wake up at 7am, shitwork till 4 pm and fall asleep in exhaustion and shitpost on my days off

wanna trade

I thought reading the posts of other heartbroken people on /Adv/ might make me feel better about my own.

It's actually just made me feel terrible about how much suffering everyone has to go through in their lives.

Life is pain, anyone who says differently is selling something

t. Buddha

I took a poo last night and hurt my lower back after getting up to wipe. It's still here with me this morning although the pain isn't as severe, I just hope it's a sprained muscle or something.

>It's actually just made me feel terrible about how much suffering everyone has to go through in their lives.

"It is impossible to weep much for that in others which we should smile at in ourselves; and when we see a soul writhing like a worm under what seems to us a small misfortune, our pity for its misery is much mitigated by contempt for its cowardice." - Coventry Patmore, "Cheerfulness in Life and Art"

I don't mean to sound too callous. But keep suffering in its right perspective. And I should add: remember, next to the mass of human suffering, that immeasurably greater mass, mankind's potential for fortitude.

"We've got to install microwave ovens, custom kitchen deliver ray ray res..."

Lets All Love Lain

it'll wear off, same thing happens to me every now and then

some feels incoming

I broke up with my girlfriend few weeks ago because I just felt like we weren't super compatible, even though I loved spending time with her. We're in the same program in university of ~60 people. I felt nothing but relief at first but after seeing her again (as friends) I felt like I really missed her, but now it's too late. Then she tells me she is trying to go out with someone else in our program and I feel like shit, blocked her on fb and haven't talked to her in a month...

Like I know I wanted to break up with her but now that I've done it I can't help but feel like I regret it and I just miss her so much..

I'll never be the man I want to be. I'm stuck in this pig skin

This this this

If only I had the motivation to follow this advice daily I'd be in much better shape

An important distinction, though - don't make yourself do anything that you don't think will be meaningful to *you*. I'm not trying to tell anyone to live up to others' ideas of what they should be, only to take time to nourish their heart and not just their desire for mindless entertainment (which isn't really a bad thing, in small doses).

I WANNA FUCK LAIN
I'M GONNA DO IT. I'LL KILL MYSELF AND BECOME ONE WITH THE WIRED. I JUST NEED TO JOIN MY HARDRIVE. I'LL SHOVE A FORK INTO MY WALL SOCKET AND TRAVEL THROUGH IT.

WISH ME LUCK Veeky Forums!

You will never be compatible with a woman because they are just children. You should treat them as such. This idea of love and romance is a jewish hollywood lie.

I have a 7 minute presentation on Frankenstein and Blade Runner that is due in a little over 16 hours from now, and in that I need to sleep as well as attend 6 hours worth of classes. Haven't seen either texts

I feel bretty lost, and at times, I wish I were never born.
I don't know what to do with my life, daily I think about offing myself but that would be distasteful, I am unfortunately very misanthropic as well, but I like to make people laugh, I'm in a strange position

Yeah I get you. Video games and youtube and netflix and any generally easy to consume media have been eating away at me, and I've only really started to see it since I picked up Gatsby the other day.
I hadn't read properly in a long long time and since then I've been coming to terms with the fact that I'm just afraid of quietness and solitude; I need constant distractions in the form of gluttonous entertainment, so your comment comes at an important time and I appreciate it even in its simplicity

to add, I have had depression for so damn long, that its just became a part of my personality, aka being a sarcastic ass
I got scars all over my face, but in the past 10months I have been lifting weights a lot, so thats helping me mentally a little bit

/end blog post

I have realised that I am stuck in a vicious feedback loop where I arrogantly think very highly of myself and upon realising that I am in fact a walking bag of shit loved by no one in the world, I fall into deep depression.

I forgot to say, I mainly blame all of my problems on my fear of change, even if its good or bad, I dont know how to get rid of it either

This boat is getting cramped

the SS sad lad