What books would you recommend to someone who once told their hair stylist that they were in love with a transgender...

What books would you recommend to someone who once told their hair stylist that they were in love with a transgender person online and I spent 2 weeks in a psychiatric hospital because I was abusing caffeine and it effected my mental state terrible and I wish that I was a more feminine person; and now I never want to see that hair stylist ever again and every time I think about it I think about what a painful awkward embarrassing loser I am and how I wish that I could just disappear and go some place where no one knows me? I make myself sick. I wish I could just become invisible and fly away.

Taipei

Guys, do you know if a movement that promotes Active Abstention exist in your country? Really interested about that .

Here in Spain we have the MCRC, more stronger than ever with the sight of our 3rd general elections in one year, and with the chance of another one after that if the situation remains the same.
For you op, read the Myth of Sisyphus

Time to cleanse my friend. Not your soul, not your spirit. I mean your skin. You have been blighted by the pigment of dark sun. Take a two hour walk every day. Hit me up in a week.

Anne of Green Gables

anything tao lin

why this particularly?

besides the tranny part. his books always talk about his character abusing any kind of substances. while in relationship with a girl doing the same

anything by David Sedaris

I don't know if you guys understand, I literally fucking hate the fact that I exist and I feel like my whole life is incredibly embarrassing. I can hardly stand to be around anyone because I just feel embarrassed. All the people who I'm around, I feel awkward around them, all the embarrassing things that I've done feel amplified in my head to the point of almost feeling exactly the same way I felt when they first happen when they come back into my memory. Your brain stores thoughts like an archive. I literally just hate the fact that I have to live on this planet all the time and I actually sometimes dread walking out my door to go get mail because I'm afraid I might run into someone who lives in my apartment. You wouldn't necessarily know that there's anything wrong with me though, because I come off as very normal, I don't get the sense that people really feel there's anything wrong with me even when I feel so awkward and uncomfortable around them. I'm actually an observant and aware person, it's just that I feel so uncomfortable with the reality I live in, I'd describe what kind of world I want to live in but it wouldn't make a difference.

My ideal world would be one where people don't feel embarrassment. It would be like everyone has the mind of children, you could walk around literally behaving crazy, doing weird fucked up shit and everyone would be totally cool with it and wouldn't judge you, and in fact would be affectionately warm to you, like school girls are with each other (kind of like how they say that all girls are lesbians because they're all so affectionate in their friendships with each other). That's the sort of world I imagine, but it's so far from the truth, and... and it's far from what the actual world that we live in is like. My crazy stress free kinky fantasy will never become a reality, I'm trapped in this horrible world which has not yet developed into a fully technologically advanced society. Science is our only hope, science is the only means of progress in the entire world which will drag the human race out of it's horrible confused dark age that we're living in right now, which I had the misfortune of being born into. I was actually born of a higher, utopian mindset than most people of earth right now, I was born to be among a beautiful and advanced race of people, but instead I was born too early and I am out of my epoch.

how did you find this site

I heard about it many years ago, people talk about it on forums and stuff so I decided that I would venture into it myself and see what was on it.

Go to therapy and see about getting on estrogen or something. Not joking, I've seen it really help people who were in a similar state to what you describe

read Walser

>I spent 2 weeks in a psychiatric hospital because I was abusing caffeine
Drinking too much coffee gets you sent to the loony bin nowadays? If that's the case, half of the working world should be in a sanatorium

I was drinking nothing but coffee though, for a very long time. I couldn't feel happiness anymore and I was extremely irritable and quick to anger. My parents and I were getting into a fight and I punched a hole in the wall and they decided to call the police on me. The doctors thought that it was bi polar disorder, but I told another doctor how much coffee I drink and told them that I had quit drinking caffeine after the incident and they suggested to me that it was caffeine poisoning. It's been years since going to that hospital and I quit all the drugs they forced me to take at the hospital since then, and I've been doing fine in terms of the symptoms of caffeine poisoning being gone. I even visited the top bi polar expert in the whole state and he said that I do not have bi polar and he diagnosed me as being poisoned by caffeine. Caffeine is a shitty drug which can really effect you, and it's literally your attitude of "hurr durr caffeine doesn't do shit to you" which led me down the path I took.

Did you felt any Depersonalization/derealization moments during that time? I had some experiences like that when i was drinking lots of coffee and in a stressful enviroment.

The affects of caffeine overdose are almost entirely physical, not psychological. It's mostly stuff like diarrhea, extreme thirst, muscle twitches. I'm saying this as someone who imbibes an obscene amount of caffeine and has had all of the symptoms associated with caffeine overdose before. Your issues are probably related to your social habits; or maybe undiagnosed bi-polar disorder.

Dude, that whole time period for me is an extremely unpleasant experience to think about. I was digging through all the writings which I was writing at that time and when I dig them out of my drawer it's like wave upon wave of really dismal depressing feelings wash over my mind. I to actually use facebook to rant against anything which I thought made me upset at the time, I would say something about how much I hate religion pretty much every day and I even made these pretty bizarre and fucked up facebook covers that I would design to be as fucked up as I could make them.

I went to go dig through the archives to pull up one and post it here but I couldn't stand to look through all that shit. A lot of it was really gay, freaky gender bending sorts of shit too, and everyone I ever knew pretty much was on facebook. It was the worst time of my entire life.

This is ignorance. I've also been free of the symptoms and don't feel constantly depressed ever since about a year of quitting caffeine completely. Like, about a year ago I wouldn't have really known what it feels like to go a day without feeling wretched and awful, now I don't even worry about feeling that way.

I can't find a single online source that claims that caffeine overdose makes one violent or depressed. And my own anecdotal experiences with quitting for a year suggests otherwise

Wow, mr anecdote comes through with some convincing opinions. Well played.

It's as valid as your anecdote. All of the info I find online suggests that the symptoms are mostly just physical.

Remember that this is a literature board. I wouldn't be surprised if whoever is posting this had written this previously as some sort of story for us to read but also participate in. If you consider Veeky Forums literature, then this is pomo as fuck my dude.

OP here. Would you guys think horribly of yourself or someone else if you knew you/they did what I did?

Probably. But know that you have private thoughts and actions that people will not know or judge and find solace in that

thanks

for what?

Nah, I expect this of 17 year olds.

The Bible
The Brothers Karamazov
End of the Affair

A good laugh, likely. You're a silly fucker.

honestly only vyvanse made me feel the way you did. caffeine just makes me sleepy


Anyway why don't you signup for fetlife and explore your fantasy already ffs. nobody their will judge you

I feel really weird about going out with people or even sexual experience. I feel like there has to be some big qualification before sex ever happens. I'm sure that if I played my cards right at numerous times in my life, or if I had been more aware at moments which in retrospect seem more sexual charged than they seemed at the time; I could have probably scored by now. The thing is though, I feel very distrustful of people, I have a hard time getting close to people. Last time I went out with a guy and he was sort of a creep to me, I went out with him once and then I told him I just wanted to talk online for a while because I didn't feel that comfortable going out to meet with him, and he was like 'wow you're treating me like a creep, if you don't feel comfortable going out with me right now you'll probably never feel comfortable going out with me" so I was like okay, and I blocked him. In a way he's right but he was being very coercive, especially for someone who literally wanted to go back to my house and fuck on the very first time we went out with each other. So needless to say I don't feel very mature and experienced and confident in my ability to go and have sexual experiences with other people, it actually sort of creeps me out to be honest. Not to mention I am into some pretty damn kinky bizarre fetish stuff.

Reads like a milder Henry Darger or something.

You sound like you need therapy, then maybe either drugs or hormones after some careful thought and then hopefully good, close friends to support you. It's all achievable, you just have to be brave. I believe in you user-chan, good luck m8.

>close friends
don't torment me

Isn't there a gay board on Veeky Forums? You would probably find better info there, or maybe on /r9k/

Where do you live?

That's why I put it last. Close friends are time consuming to get. Don't think that it comes easy to everyone; I moved country as a teen and really really struggled to find my place. Took me over 6 years to really feel like I had found my friends, and even now it's an effort to keep it all going, because relationships are an effort and a slog, but the pay off is worth it.

>I was actually born of a higher, utopian mindset than most people of earth right now, I was born to be among a beautiful and advanced race of people, but instead I was born too early and I am out of my epoch.

I haven't laughed in weeks and this brought me to tears, famalam. Even in my miserable state and intense self-hatred it feels good to know there's someone more retarded and more pathetic than me out there still sucking air. It's things like these that keep me from suicide.

Glad I could help senpai.

>just 'found' Veeky Forums
>uses secret Veeky Forums senpai code

It's all a bit suss now.