I'm on a mission to produce the worst book ever conceived, and I need some help doing it

You should also try to preach some really obvious on the nose political message.

just rewrite A Confederacy of Dunces word for word with the first synonym in the merriam webster thesaurus.

Include a lot of politics that doesn't really relate to the plot or fit with the character's personalities

Make it clear that the author is a /po/ack who thinks he's more subtle than he actually is

All the characters should be named after each other, and the whole extended family should be 80 people all named Daniel Vandelay and Claudette Marie Vandelay

Make constant allusions to better, more well-known works

Seconding stupid over the top names like Valentin Rosalia Valkenburg and Joachim Alman Stapplefort

I laughed because the name part you mentioned reminds me of Marquez.

Make a character set in feudal times named Hans. To get on the local lord's good side, he wants to make the cavalry as threatening as possible. One night, spilling wine on his loincloth, he gets the perfect idea.

Hans is going to dye the lord's horses red. Like how the ancient Romans wore red to seem invincible, but with an entire fucking horse. Dozens of 'em.

Hans spends weeks, months perfecting a dye recipe, unknown to the lord. The night before a large battle, he dyes the horses and goes to the lord, expecting great praise and many accolades.

The majority of the cavalrymen are too scared to mount the cursed horses. The few that do die within minutes considering how easy a target a giant red horse makes.

The lord beheads Hans. His pregnant wife escapes into a neighboring kingdom.

Next generation.

Include some really stereotypical minority characters. Like some mexican guy with a gold tooth, who is always drunk and lazy and curses a lot in broken Spanish.

This is uniquely bad writing

I felt bored and frustrated just reading the summary of it, and I'm not even sure why

There is literally nothing enjoyable about that

this is legitimately genius

make them all black, and extremely stereotypical, then if it really is shit, it'll still sell because of the controversy

Don't research anything. If you've got a character that rides horses and you don't know anything about horses just write like he's driving a car.

one spic kills another spic over a cockfight

Don't give the characters any agency, only move the plot with events that happen to them.

Avoid any character growth, all characters should be exactly the same in the end as they were when the story started.

Solve all problems with deus ex machinas.

Well that's what the OP was asking for, wasn't it? He was there to demand, I was there to supply.

That's another thing, describe the cavalrymen's riding with auto terms like "accelerate" and "brake." Mention "the pavement" even though it's a chronological impossibility.

>Daniel Joachim Vandelay hopped onto his trusty horse, the white mare-stallion crossbreed named Cicero, and kicked it into gear. Cicero roared down the mountain, blazing like Icarus of old, as Daniel Joachim von Vandelay alternatively squeezed and relaxed his thighs to get the acceleration and deceleration he desired. Cicero drifted through a sharp turn, with the rider fighting to keep control as the horse squealed and sparked against the guard rails. "Alast!" thought Daniel Alman Joachim von Vandelay, "I will never be home in time for supper!". Cicero, seemingly reading his thoughts, let out a mighty neigh and his speed went a gear higher. "Perhaps we will make it in time after all, faithful stead!"

>Well that's what the OP was asking for, wasn't it? He was there to demand, I was there to supply.

I wasn't trying to criticize you. I was actually complementing your ability to be bad on command.

You're doing God's work for OP

>anachronisms
good, but only when done in short supply, just toss them in there to seem weird, rather than a recurring theme that someone might think implies a deeper suggestion.

...

General Break Down

Generation 1
Father (Adnan), Wife(Seyla), Son (Musif), Infant Daughter(Heidlein) migrate to escape town due to hardship and bandits. While sleeping during their trek for a new home, the son dreams up a new home where they exactly stopped. When he awakes and tells the family of the dream, the dream bit by bit turns true. After a while, the new place is repopulated with people from the previous town.

Generation 2
Musif and Heidlene are older, Musif is a mere farmer or some shit. Bandits visit the town and threaten to pillage the new town, Musif refuses and decides to fight back. He dreams of the town expanding in size with him imperializing other lands from other bandits. He later gets a visit from a childhood friend who fled to a neighboring nation (Nation B) as a child. The friend is now a diplomat for the nation and demands that Musif stops imperializing and actually give the city to Nation B. Musif is disgusted and isn't afraid to wage war. Over time, Heidlene is a witch who performs acts of heresy, including having a child poisoned when its from a woman who is married to the man she loves (Or some shit, I don't know what the witch shit is about). Musif finds out about his sister's witchcraft, so he and his friend (Rajit) have her tried and kill them. Before she dies, she tells her brother that he will suffer and so will the rest of his family until they're no more and that he'll witness it all happen. They burn her to death. Eventually, before a major battle, he dreams of great failure. Once the battle commences, the fight barely ensues until the nation they're in intervenes and says that Musif doesn't have government authority to do any of this and that there are diplomatic relations between the nations. This ends with an armistice and with his child being born.

Generation 3
Musif's son (Almir), is older and always hears stories of his father's gallantry. When the nation and Nation B have diplomatic strains, he's encouraged to go to war and lead his town into battle. Almir is seeing the town's whore behind Musif's wishes knowing it will only anger his father. As the war escalates, Almir is barely surviving until another armistice comes through. The war will end under certain conditions that Musif's son will be hung for his participation and the town will be given to Nation B, which will result in diplomacy will be restored. The nation agrees, killing the Almir, with Musif watching and finding out his son had fornicated with a whore and is possibly the father of her child. The whore warns Musif of the legitimacy of the child but he takes it anyway since he has no one else.

Generation 4
Musif and his "grandson" (Imperio) grow together, telling him stories of Almir. He lies to Imperio, saying that his father died in battle and that his mother committed suicide instead of living without her husband. Imperio feels that the town has become too much like Nation B, even feeling ashamed that he married a woman from Nation B.

They struck at dawn. I'm not sure why, but they did it. Why are you asking me? Jordan, the guy, the uh, leader, he kicked one of the children down and there was lots of screaming. So anyway, charlie took out his sword and cut some houses up, it was pretty random. They set a fire, but no one could see it because it was so bright out. There wasn't any way the hobbits could escape, they were going to be bbq'ed.

No offense taken; hopefully practicing shittiness has some reverse effects as well.

Yeah, enough to be noticeable and shitty, but not enough to make it seem like an intentional trend. Shit that's subtle enough to be unintentional, like, WWII soldiers listening to Beatles music on the radio.

"Trying" to write a terrible story is like "trying" to write an amazing one. It won't work. People pick up on it straight away

To write a terrible story you have to be a terrible writer who wants to write something good. You also have to be unaware that you're terrible

it's also essential to be careful to ensure it's not a satire, or can't be perceived as one. it must be utterly serious, otherwise it may become a classic, you know how stupid fuckers are these days about "le epic funny parody"

General Break Down Part 2

Generation 4 (cont)
Imperio becomes an extremist and bombs a well populated building. Imperio is imprisoned with his son being born. Musif must yet again raise the child (Jonathan)

Generation 5
Jonathan never grows too close to his grandfather, especially not too interested in the stories of his grandfather and the history of the town. He doesn't really associate with his father's side. Jonathan is a satyriasis and begins fucking some whore (Rose). Rose is the great granddaughter Rajit, Musif's best friend, was also cursed by Heidlene. Jonathan only uses her for sex but Rose is infatuated with Jonathan. Jonathan introduces her to his friend Jason, who even Jonathan even looks down upon. Jason and Rose both fall in love, and Jonathan continues philandering. One day, Rose visits Jonathan and has sex with him and curbs his need for sex temporarily. When Jonathan tells Rose later on that they cant do this anymore because it would hurt Jason, she acts fine with it. She already has dumped Jason, but knows he's gullible and will have him crawling back to him. She tells Jason that Jonathan forced her to dump him and that he sexually abused her. Jason is furious and begins threatening Jonathan, who is confused. Later the two go to court with it, leading to Jonathan committing suicide to escape the shame and to avoid being falsely accused of being a rapist. Musif completely breaks down as his lineage is now dead and he is the only one living. He slowly succumbs to stress and inner turmoil and lives as a haggard in the town center, forgotten.

That's all the generations I came up with.

With Musif, when he gets the curse he's granted a long life with the aging process still in effect. I might change the aging part.

Yeah, I hate the idea of ham-fisting the shit factor like making stereotypical characters and shit with "Ey ese fuk u mane" Kind of shit.

methinks someone is trying to get us to read the plot of his story by saying it's utter shit.

i don't like this ruse.

and call the stable a garage

You need at least twice as many generations

>Solve all problems with deus ex machinas.
But Pynchon does that and his novels are highly praised.

Im suppose to be proud of this crap?

Exactly, that's why I asked for help

Rose should get knocked up with Jonathan's kid so you can stretch this novel out.

fantastic

That's brilliant, thanks

An Alliance of Asses

just don't make this novel into a deconstruction. just write it without any research, no self awareness, write in several different styles mid page, but remain consistent on a plot that's full of seemingly unintentional holes.

what makes a book bad isn't exactly easy to point out for people, since pretty much acclaimed novel is shit anyway. whatever you write, even if it's fucking rewriting shakespeare without ever having read it to begin with, it's going to be called 'THE WORST BOOK EVER, RRRRRH'. if you really want to raise the ire of most people, just make a very plain book, but make everything contradictory to the current political fads. people will lose their minds, piss off both the republicans and democrats, but do it in a way that they'll stop reading right when they get mad, without realizing that you're doing it to both sensibilities. dude, i don't fucking know, have a child help you by asking what should happen next, have a kindergarten class help you, ask each kid the next plot point, and names. on second thought, that'd probably become a new york bestseller in a matter of days. brb gonna go contact some schools.

thanks for this

You can pull off everything if you are good enough, but generally it's a recipe for disaster.

are those the actual thesaurus synonyms? no cheating.

As for the city, over each generation it develops into a metropolis over time. It starts as a farm land, develops into a nicer city, and slowly develops into a metropolis.

begin AT LEAST (at LEAST) one chapter minimum with "It ''twas a dark and stormy night"

>write it without any research, no self awareness, write in several different styles mid page, but remain consistent on a plot that's full of seemingly unintentional holes.
so basically write a Nick Hornby book?

or it could fluctuate from a sprawling metropolis into a hamlet at random.

Too try hard, I'm just talking shit quality.

begin them all with that, even better. and end each sentence with "and they lived happily ever after".

>it's always a dark and stormy night no matter what

I like this idea, but I feel like we are drifting into satire territory.

I still need a few more generations, someone suggested that Jonathan impregnates Rose and that way it can be continued.

I agree.

Rose is ashamed of the child, abandons it, and runs off to become a whore. The child grows up in the streets,following around the now ragged Musif. As the child nears adulthood, Musif takes him to a whorehouse to become a man and the child ends up paying his unknowing mother, and also impregnates her.

The shittiness will come from the awful story idea and my lack of skill as a writer.

no no i know, but it's fun to think of what a fully ridiculous satire would be.

It's hard to say what's going to be a genuinely shitty book. The generations thing reminds me a bit too much of 100 years of solitude, but I guess if you plagiarize everyone possible, that might be a good aspect.

If you want a good training book on how to write intolerably, go read "A Dirty Job". No joke, the worst book i've ever read, and though it's trying to be funny, it still somehow doesn't allow itself to be a satire, it's not even intelligent enough to do so. Just give it a read through some night and pop a few beers and start writing in that style. You'll know what I mean when you read it.

Generation ZERO

The family has transcended and become their each and own G-D of their respective existences.

Fuck, that's good. I'll consider that.

One major concept of the book it follows a particular lineage and their massive fall from grace, from being founding heroes, to something of a forgotten past.

I also need a name for the book and the City.

You could have single random characters say lines like that, too, constantly literally mentioning how the members are falling from grace. That's some shitty writing right there.

A fall from Grace

Have the city be named Grace and have the last guy fall off a hill and die or something.

that's really clever, almost too clever. make sure the only person who could possibly know this is you, and when they inevitably interview you over this great monumental work of 21st century fiction, mention it, and blow everyone's mind.

Although, operating and crafting characters and plot in a way that no one knows about other than you while you're writing could be dangerously genius, everything having a hidden web to connect it, when it's seemingly chaos is something that has always appealed to me in a book. I guess it might be better to make it obvious, or even have a character go into exposition about it to the characters themselves, simultaneously breaking the fourth wall clumsily and explaining plot as though your readers are complete idiots.

You don't really know what you're talking about. I doubt you've read a Pynchon novel in your life.

This'll take a while, tough, considering I only about 1 page of actually important material written.

Drink about 3 cups of coffee and start writing, that's my advice. My worst and also most prolific writing has been done on coffee, about 10 or 20 pages a sitting, no lie, and all pretty much shit (although if I may brag plotheavy enough to make the reader wanna keep reading, I think).

One problem might be that rose isn't actually a whore, she's just a promiscuous woman.

Alternatively, never explicitly state that it's his mother, but make weird, clumsy references to it during the awkward sex scene, like "he suckled her breasts like a babe" and have her comment that she'd have a son around his age. Also make plenty of female genitalia/flower comparisons since her name is Rose.

Maybe it's her first day.

This is good.

Include a notable figure from history that a character interacts with make sure not to do any research at all, make it a caricature of either a leftist or a rightist would make of that person, also be sure to include another historical person but caricature them in the opposite direction. Have a character partake in events of historical note but make sure to make errors in the description of the event such that it will make people who have education on the history furious.

Include implausible future science and technology, being sure to through in technical terms and jargon that are incorrect, try to garble as many scientific disciplines as possible.

Have character frequently make plausible but ultimately incorrectly attributed quotes so it makes readers doubt themselves then angry for feeling tricked.

Make sure most of the book is naturalistic in that it doesn't feature anything supernatural or any hints or foreshadowing that would indicate that such things could be real, then suddenly introduce either extraterrestrials or ghosts or other magic phenomena towards the back portion and have it dramatically effect the happenings of the characters. Probably you should include a portal of some sort, likely one that leads to some sort of high fantasy world then transition the story to this world bringing along no characters from the story hence and never making mention of them ever again. Continue your new story already in mid progress with no back explanation but spend gratuitous time discribing the physicality and traits of all the different species of creatures that live in this world. Again, do NOT refer back to the story in progress outside the portal, and make sure that that story is very unresolved with as many loose ends as possible, you gotta leave people looking forward to your sequel.

Write as if you seem to think the Internet truely is a series of interconnected pneumatic tubes, but don't draw attention to that, just let it be a background thing that just occurres in casual references to the web, makes sure more than one character does it so the reader knows it's not just a quirk of one person.

What happens exactly in generation 6? Roses son is abandoned, he joins ragged Musif, whorehouse, fucks Rose.

What's the situation and the ultimate result of Rose's son?

well, in generation 6, all new pokemon are revealed, like trashgomp, the trashcan pokemon! what kind of gyms will ash encounter in this new and exciting land?

Rose herself should die of syphilis, of course, which she gave to her son, and he ought to go insane and join the ensuing war, having a quixotesque hallucination of fighting whales and seeing an angel descend which is actually a meteor that crushes about 1,000 during a battle, and as he wanders aimlessly through the bodies, after miraculously surviving, he witnesses what is either a hallucination, or an alien encounter. something that really doesn't jive with the rest of the story, like an entire genre change.

also, leave it open ended with a sequel that you have no intention on writing, but also make it so the end is the beginning, to really make it incredibly confusing.

The goal is to make people furious.
Things like 'it was a dark and stormy' night sound like parody. Drawing on popular cliches rather than classic ones will raise people's ire more. Like including a manic pixie girl who's only there to reflect the desires of the protagonist and isn't herself a character.

Make their names stupid but not too much so.

A love interest that is clearly you just getting some gross fantasy out on paper. Describe small things in way to much detail and make the character blatantly out of place with every other character so readers know that this is just a weird fantasy insert into the story for no other reason.

Have a murder with American Psycho level description, but make sure it's only once and not a reoccurring event.

Have characters occasionally make reference to wishing they lived under communism, or offhandedly remark how things would be better if Mao was in charge but in an unironic way and not in reference to extermination or mass deaths. The rest of the book must contain no critical analysis of class, gender or race, and is probably better if you include a few tokenized stereotyped minorities. Make sure your black character takes in heavy AAVE but not to the point that you are parodying it.

If any characters are particularly likeable, kill them suddenly, not graphically, but in an insignificant act of petty violence that has little lead up, maybe even off screen. Don't dwell on other characters mourning.

>Drink about 3 cups of coffee and start writing, that's my advice
Fuck this, do speed. DO IT, OP. YOUR THOUSAND PAGES WRITTEN IN 7 DAYS WILL MAKE YOU A Veeky ForumsERARY GOD

I'm finishing up Gravity's Rainbow right now, actually.

K, I'll humbly admit I was wrong, but then I'll REALLY admit I was wrong if you explain where he does any deus ex machinas.

no fuck killing the characters, just stop talking about them entirely, like, have a story that needs the ends tied up, but just leave them and go on to another group of characters that are completely unrelated. killing them off would leave too much closure.

How about when the MPs are chasing Slothrop in Putzi's place and Slothrop just happens to be saved by Bodine and the prostitute who removed his pig costume ?

Also, make sure to size up the font. Really fill those pages up.

I'm willing to give you some latitude, but not very much. A deus ex machina is supposed to be totally unexpected after the writer builds suspense and introduces an awful situation: this isn't unexpected, it rather unfolds quite logically IIRC. I read it a year ago, so don't be too harsh if I remember it poorly, but I think I remember the MPs talking about how they're looking for someone in a pig suit. Then Slothrop takes off the pigsuit to chill or whatever, then the MPs invade, then Marvy, being a dick, decides to steal the pigsuit because who would arrest a guy in a pigsuit?

This isn't so much unexpected or miraculous intervention as it is a darkly comical coincidence quite rationally built up to, IMO.

But Slothrop didn't know that they were looking for someone in a pig suit, he just knew that they were looking for him. He had no way of knowing that they didn't actually know what he looked like and he also had no way of predicting that Marvy would take his suit and get caught by the MPs, who believe they've got Slothrop and stop chasing him.

Hm, OK. In fact, it doesn't really matter to me whether or not Pynchon uses deua ex machinas or not so I don't know why I'm arguing this or why I started this out so aggressively, although IMO a true D.E.M. would be the MPs are about to catch Slothrop in a pigsuit and then they slip on a bananapeel and Slothrop gets away. That's true chance bordering on ridiculousness. This is just a character getting out of an unlucky situation by coincidence, not true D.E.M., where something that has no relation to what came before is miraculously introduced, solving everything.

What about when Thanaz was rescued in the North Sea by the guy trying to get struck by lightning, or when he's in the police car and gets rescued by political extremists who thought he was someone else ? Then there are a few DEMs that happen in the colonel/Byron the Bulb story, if that counts.

Too much of a commentary on Salinger if you ask me.

This is one of those situations where in trying to produce something so bad, you'll make something interesting (conceptually at least). You need to try really hard to make it good in order for it to be total shit.

I guess it does, I'll just shoot myself now. Sorry.

You'd better be sorry.

You should go through and do it with antonyms of everything.

>Adult gloves wanted. Always used.

>It wasn't the worst of times, it wasn't the best of times

>a whisper dug through the ground.

kek

When Gregor Samsa went to sleep one even after a peaceful day, he didn't find himself unchanged in his bed from an ordinary human.

Do this with Ayn Rand and call it a socialist manifesto, unironically.

I'll start tomorrow.

Atilol, dark of my death, ice of my ass. Your virtue, your body. At-eel-ol.