Hey guys my name is miles, I posted some of my story I wrote on /adv/ but they hated me and we're very rude so. was wondering if you guys would give me some fedback. thanks!!! I'll give you some concept drawings I made along with some previews.
here's a link on book 1! dropbox.com
this is the PRINCE OF DARKNESS!!!
Other urls found in this thread:
dropbox.com
twitter.com
just in case you can't download the book, have a preview! tell me what you think!!!
“This is why I hate the human race.” suddenly purple little sparks of light began to materialize behind Miles and pile themselves onto his back. “They’re obnoxious,” his voice seemed angrier “Rude,” the particles continued to attach to his back, even faster than before “And heartless creatures!” The energy building behind him flashed, and revealed their true form. His wings returned. The cop took a step back and began to look extremely scared. Miles launched himself at him so fast, all I saw was a cloud of dust before he landed on the other side of the chief. The chief stood there staring at the sky with his mouth gaping open. He looked limp, almost zombie like. Then, his upper body began sliding down and eventually fell off of his waist! His legs soon followed. “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!” I yelled at him. A dark grin shot across his face. Then he said with a fake tone of innocence in his voice. “What are you yelling for? All I did was cut him in half!”
>68 pages of this FILTH
I don't know wether to commend you for playing out the troll to the bitter's end, or to wish and hope that you never breed.
"Do you even have any money?" Mai asked. "Yeah, I've been saving up for years. I’ve picked up every one Yen coin I could find in the street since I was like five." "How much does that add up to?" “About...” I thought about it for a minute, counting on my hands. I suck at math. I'm generally really smart, since the only thing I can do in my free time is read, but i was never good at math. English was always my favorite though. I loved reading about those people, about the adventures they had, and the stories they told. I wanted to be like them. My favorite book was The Catcher in the Rye. I loved that book, but mostly for the main character, Holden. He was the only person I could ever really relate to. It felt good to at least hear about someone like me. Anyway, I eventually finished counting up in my head, and on my fingers. “50,000 Yen? Give or take.” “What! Holy crap! Miles, how in the damn world?!”
kys
I have book 2 as well but I didn't finish it. maybe if I get enough positive feedback I will!
dropbox.com
Morgan pulled out her phone and looked down at it. She smiled then held her phone to her heart. “Let me guess. You got a text from that walking dumbass you call a boyfriend?” I said to her. She glared angrily at me. “He’s not a dumbass, He’s awesome. And his name is Indigo.” I rolled my eyes. Indigo was the most disrespectful little prick I’d ever met. He pretended to be sweet around me, but he was a total asswipe, and Morgan didn’t even see it. Morgan punched me in the arm lightly, then walked out of the room. I left through the men's locker room and stood on the teleportation pad. I had invented this pad a few years ago. It breaks down your molecular structure and transports you to it’s sister pad at the speed of light. It’s not complete yet though. I hope to make a much smaller version eventually, but until then, only the ones in my house and the U.S.S. Shadow exist. When I got to the house, I walked down the hall and into the dining room. Mai was sitting at a chair, scribbling away on some paper work. “Hey babe. Whatcha working on?” I walked over and kissed the top of her head. “Paperwork. Being a mercenary is about more than just knocking heads you know.” “Yeah, but that’s the fun part.” She smiled looked up at me. As soon as she saw me, her smile inverted.
“OMG Morgan I love you!” On girl exclaimed. “Will you please sign my album!?” That was the last audible comment. The rest were drowned out by all the screaming and squeeing. But it was all put to a stop by a deep, booming voice. “Alright everyone! Outta the way! Give the girl her personal space!” It was Alphonso. The record company I perform for, Mirai Records, insisted that I have a bodyguard for all of my concerts. So that’s how I met Alphonso. He was gigantic in both height and width, but he was a big softy at heart. I think he was from some spanish speaking country, because he had an awesome accent. “I said MOVE!” The whole crowd ignored him, even when he started pushing people out of the way to get to me. There was a spike in someone’s energy nearby, and I could see Dad rising above the mob. He charged a blast in his hand and aimed it down. “I suggest you all give my daughter some space.” He said calmly. Everyone around me backed away about 10 meters. I giggled aloud. “Sorry everyone! I need to get inside, or there won’t be a concert at all. As always there will be time for autographs and selfies after the show. Hope you all enjoy it!!” Dad landed beside me and we all walked inside together. “Morgan, is there a game store in here somewhere?” Dad asked. He hated malls. He never liked the idea of being around a lot of humans at once.
I happen to have a girlfriend who loves me very much, thank you. can you please give me some feedback please
My name is also Miles and Im sad to share it with you.
Have one more sneak peak!
“Miles!!” The pain lessened and when I opened my eyes I could see Mai standing next to me carrying Violet Dancer. That must have been what was inside of the pod. Morgan was about 30 meters away from us and slouched forward. She was finally wearing down. Mai created several launch rings around Morgan. “Lilac Barrage!” A ring formed beneath her and she jolted at Morgan, swinging at her as she passed. She used the rings surrounding them to bounce back and strike Morgan over and over until Morgan was finally able to follow Mai’s movements. She extended her arm out and caught Mai as she passed. Mai fell to the ground, and scrambled to quickly jump back up to her feet. They began exchanging blows at incredible speeds. Suddenly, my body felt lighter. I looked up and saw Yuri and May standing over me. Yuri’s staff was able to heal me enough so that I could stand up. A few bones were still broken, but nothing that I couldn’t work through. “What do we do Miles” She asked me. “I only have one idea left, But I’m gonna need May’s help.” May looked up at me surprised. “Me? But I’m not sure I could do much of anything when she’s like this. I can’t even beat her when she’s ‘normal’.” She made an air quotes motion with her fingers.
Go fuck yourself Miles.
But on the off chance you're a cute, I'll give you some helpful advice.
STOP
WRITING
ABOUT
YOURSELF
I would give you a photo of myself but I don't want to show that I'm actuly cute dude lol :Pppp
but actually this miles isn't the same character
THIS IS AWESOME!!!
Don't listen to these trolls. I can tell you've got some real talent. Keep writing, and remember, don't try too hard! Let it flow naturally. You have some amazing talent, and you're definitely great. Keep working :)
>Miles
>Amy
WELCO
METOT
HENEX
TLEVEL
To begin, it is unfathomable to me that you could be so totally and completely beyond the sight of reason, that you could produce this slab of moulded shit you so sacrilegiously call a book. It is beyond the realm of my imagination that anyone could genuinely, and without a hint of facetiousness, write this utterly cliché-drenched and sophomoric waste of time, patience, and thought down in any medium, without immediately casting away the device on which it is displayed in horror and disgust. The way in which your "story" is written is such a transparent and obvious Marie Sue that I wouldn't be surprised if you had named the main character after yourself, while simultaneously being unsurprised at your parents' now evident brain damage. Your two-dimensional "characters" (or rather caricatures), are as abhorrently made and nonsensical as their semi-asiatic names, which, in conjunction with the spastic and tasteless nature of your tone and storytelling, leads me to believe you are not only an avid viewer of shit tier anime, but also fourteen years old. My only advice for the advancement of your doomed writing career is to take a nice swig of gasoline and play "swallow the lighter".
in my opinion Miles has all the makings of a classic anti-hero
Fuck off, faggot. Kys and save yourself the pain of living.
kill yourself you fucking waste of space
People like you are the reason other people are not okay. All I want to do is live my life, and be happy. I'm not going to say who sent this, but know, this is incredibly disrespectful and rude and you need to grow up. This is called cyber bullying and if I chose to I could get you reported at the least. Things like this are the reason people aren't okay with their bodies, with how they look. You know what? I don't care what you or any one else thinks. I know I'm pretty. I know I'm awesome. I know you are obviously blind and stupid. You should think about how you would feel if someone said something like this about you. You could really hurt someone. Next time, maybe you'll think before you send something like this. I'm smart enough to know people like you don't matter in the end, I'm beautiful no matter what anyone else says or thinks about me. People really need to learn to grow the hell up and respect each other. If you can't respects others, no one will EVER respect you. Grow up. This is the last I'll mention this, but you should really be ashamed of yourself. I'm not going to report you this time because your not worth my time, thoughts or effort. I can't say the same the next time I hear you speak about me like this. Keep your rude, nasty opinions to yourself.
7/10 copypasta laddie boy, doesn't fully hit the mark, but still some semi-fresh shit.
Being a wise guy? One day you wil the shit i livig
????????
*one day, you will go through the shit im livin g through
so no one has told me any REAL criticism. any thoughts? please, it would be much appreciated
face away when the publisher spits in your face
You're probably what, at most 18 years old? I'll give you this. It's good you're sitting down to write something, anything at your age.
But this the kind of stuff writers look back and call their "juvenilia"-- the shit they wrote when they were kids.
You should read more and try to broaden your intellect and experience if you want to become a more effective writer. And you need to be much more effective.
Veeky Forums is not the place to go for real criticism. we do have a crit thread up. you should lurk more.
We'll I would also like you to read my books so
use the crit thread like everyone else :) that's why it exists. posting your stuff in its own thread tends to get people a little riled up.
Wow! The concept art is a little iffy, but you can get an artist for that, after all you are an author not an artist! Find yourself an editor they can help with the spelling and grammar a bit, but other than that I think you have the next Percy Jackson or Maximum Ride here!! Keep it up looking forward to the end of book 2. (Hopefully a third!)
Holy... I want more
This thread had potential to be funny but you're ruining it with the samefagging OP. Wait a week then repost and let conversation develop naturally.
t. I am a master troll and can amass hundreds of (((you)))s at will
Hey man the guy clearly put a lot of work into his shitpost the least we could do is humor his shitty thread on the shittiest board. It's either that or we all go back to circle jerking over infinite jest and Brothers Karamazov.