/vent/ general

Would I corrective rape my waifu?

>>>/tumblr/

I already said I am of principle and I have never in my life been a liberal or a SJW

you are thinking about yourself too much, part of which is common social anxiety; the other part is a more general anxiety toward the future - it sounds like you have started the rat race. i'd say, in terms of the social anxiety, just ask yourself, "what would a normal person do in this circumstance? why should i be embarassed or worried to do something any other person would do?" the same questions can apply even if you're not there; it's perfectly reasonable, even natural and positive, to care what other people think about you, but you're over thinking it. that larger feeling of anxiety can only be treated by neutering your ambition or committing to working as hard as you can at all times.

your prose is repetitive, and like i said, focused on "i" and "me."

masculinization is docilization and the gateway to cuckdom

what do you not like about masculinity? have you considered you may have a hormone imbalance?

How you came to this conclusion, is astonishing.

Thanks

yes goy, don't worry your pretty little head, nothing to see there....

how do you get food? if that's real, i'm sure you've noticed you're a hermit, but it sounds like your more immediate problem was speaking to someone else. start by singing in the shower, then singing while walking with headphones, then singing at people on the street, then you'll be good to go.

nice little twist in your prose; a cute surprise ending. v. nice

Learn to shitpost better by lurking more.

I am in severe need of either a sea change to my sexuality, or some well to wet my mouthbreather's dryness, or a wave of immorality might cause me to do inappropriate things with my daughter in a decade and a third.

Horrible prose but you get the point, and adding cheap use of literary devices makes this more than a blogshit thread.

Don't worry, user, I always forget about it to, especially when I recommend it to people who would find it abhorrent

> the scene in the hotel room with the underage black hooker
> "you gave me the best fuck of my young life"
> Pacino responds to the call for a detective at the scene
> get the exposition that this isn't the first such cadaver

Since you're stupid, I'll explain it to you. Cis straight women have a personal obligation to maintain masculinity as form of protection/catering unto themselves. They constructed the view that a feminized male is inferior/due to the fact that that male no longer "serviced" them in the the traditional sense. Their most genius move was convincing men that the feminized man was a threat to their masculinity/sexuality, rather than the threat to a woman's that they perceived. As a side note, this is the reason for the extremely violence towards homosexuality and transexuality, particularly towards transwomen. Initiation into masculinity is initiation into servitude to women.

do you already have a daighter? was she just born and these feelings are starting to boil up? i'd consider seeing a psychiatrist, and getting on meds that will kill your sex life - if you want to keep things status quo, though if you're married that may be hard with no sex drive. first, you have to decide if it's real and not just intrusive thoughts being brought on by some other neurosis or anxiety. if it is, you should do something about it.

prose was trasherino

need to re-watch. dont remember this at all. wait, he roughs her up? yeah, i guess i do remember a little - definitely knew waingo was a sick fuck and not just a loose cannon.

That's a nice tranny conspiracy theory you got there.

this seems like a lot of strangely allocated motivations for just one argument.

She'll be born in December.

It's completely real, her mother is a senior in high school and I don't find her attractive. We began dating when she was in her last year of junior high.

We are married, I already don't really have a conventional sex drive. For example, I don't and have never really masturbated for any other reason than to avoid getting weird dreams.

do you like your wife? raising a kid in your circumstances, barring an unforeseen change in your sexual preferences, seems very dangerous. you could (1) run away, (2) create circumstances that would lead to a separation, (3) tell your wife, (4) do nothing, or (5) a combination of the above.

I do, I just don't really find her attractive outside of how I would find a good-looking man attractive, or find a kitten or infant attractive.

My wife probably knows for obvious reasons, but I'm certainly not running off like an n-word or causing a separation.

There isn't much I can do.

I feel as if I need a philosophy for life and I've turned to stoicism.

Is it antiquated, OP? Should I forget about it and continue on the treadmill of hedonism?

were you abused as a child? will you be able to get some sort of psychiatrical treatment/assistance as your daughter grows up?

it depends on your life stage. how old are you?

I was not beyond one incident that was homosexual anyway.

Getting 'help' usually leads to worse things, like investigation into my marriage. I don't even want to change.

As I found myself making efforts to come off more intelligent than I really I am I remind myself that I have to stay true to the purpose of this message.
I had finally moved out of my parents place at the age of 21, moving into subsidized housing, I found myself surrounded by the elderly and others that I deemed as crazy. The irony of which was not lost on me, after being diagnosed with multiple mental diseases since I was a child anytime a new shrink gives me a new label I do nothing in response other than thinking, "here we go again". After enrolling myself into college, getting accepting and going for a couple weeks I found out I could not go to college and still continue to live in subsidized housing. From there I moved out and found a place to live with 6 other college students, after living there for perhaps a few weeks I decided to drop out of college as it made me feel like my soul was dying. My only passions in life come from things that make me happy as each day so far continually just feels like some form of agony either physically, mentally, or both. I let my homeless friend stay over because he's my friend and fuck the roommates if they have a problem with it, he's my friend. Evaluate me, oh one I hold in both sarcastic and legitimate regard.

>he roughs her up?
He kills her to death

college is killing me. it just feels so aimless, so vague and at the same time so rigid a place. it feels like everything i do is completely pointless and part of an institution which wants contradictory things out of me. should i conform or should i follow the example of the men i'm studying? do people love innovators, just not when they have to deal with them first hand? everything seems so wrong but everyone already seems so caught up in life that they can't do anything about it, despite knowing that something's wrong--worst part is, they feel powerless. there's an almost complete lack of earnestness, goodwill and levelheadedness--and it shows in how much of a ruin the university's building is. but nobody will do anything but bitch about it. and don't even get me started on the politics, jesus christ. i got in hoping it would help my formation as a writer, but so far it seems as much a hydrance as it is an aid. leaving is a shitty thing to do both to myself and others, but i can't take it anymore. the work also feels inhuman; and the worst part is that the teachers understand it's impossible, but are so desperate they won't take something off. the system as it is does more damage than good but nobody is willing to change anything. and well, i'm just a man. i feel so alone already, and if i spoke, even with good intentions, i fear i might become a pariah; i don't want to just blow up either one day out of frustration. so i'm leaving. at least until i can find some stability outside of college i'm not going back to it full-force. i know i've already wasted too much time, and had made the same mistakes over and over, and i'm not what i "should" be as a person, but either that ideal goes, or my life is over, literally.

as for everything else, well my family life is kinda dismal. well, not really. it's my father. he's a drag on everybody. i don't want to be reductive, but i can trace all my problems to him. he's in a shit situation but is completely content to look the other way and drag us down with him. he won't listen to anybody. he won't get a job but will keep wasting money on stupid things. he benefits nobody, not even himself. i mean he's my dad. but it's impossible to live with him. he's given up on life. i've even thought of killing him, like raskolnikov did to the money lender. it's a shit thing to think, i know. but i've tried, i really tried. i tried pleading, i tried screaming, i tried rhethoric, i tried to be patient. nothing. mom pities him too much to throw him out of the house. i can perfectly picture him becoming a hobo.

i need to get a job. of course i don't know how the fuck to do it, but i will do it. but so long as i'm a leech on my mother i will continue to feel guilty whenever i have money around.

at least my love life is fine. because i don't have one.

and the backlog, don't forget the backlog. at least i won't be bored.

and the writing dealio which will be my life is in steady ascent.

Veeky Forums posts are so short!

>but I'm certainly not running off like an n-word
*a n-word, user
Just 'cause it makes the "en" sound doesn't mean it starts with a vowel. Yeah, I fall for it too

An hour is accepted, so an n-word is acceptable

help I'm on earth and its almost 2017 .

Look into a skilled trade

without knowing your mental history, it'd be hard to say. regarding your current living situation, it's nice of you to let your homeless buddy crash but potentially inconsiderate of your roommates who are enrolled in school. why not just move in with people who aren't students? something tells me you have a poor relationship with your parents, but nevertheless, it may be good to stick close to home. on the other hand, spending some time alone, on a camping or hiking trip might help to clarify your 'passions', give you something you enjoy doing, and grow up a little bit.

writing needs work

"An hour" is acceptable because the first syllable isn't stressed. If it was customary to pronounce the h it would be "a hour."

Nice false dichotomy, user.

Kill everyone.

>first syllable
both have one syllable and are unstressed.

27.

I let the fear and paranoia of others eat away what little of myself I had left after losing you all. And now? I am a failure. Just another 'lost cause' of the family, aren't I big sis? Ya, that's probably exactly how you see me now

I tried and tried, but damn me for being too stupid to see the right track. Now I'm scared I fucked it up real bad, and that little piece of the relationship we used to have can't ever be fixed. Maybe with some time and some real hard trekking, I'll be able to make you proud of me again. Maybe.

Just wish you'd go a little easy sometimes sis, cause it seems every step forward I lose something decent with the distance. Hit after hit after fucking hit, and now again-right back in my fucking heart. What's wrong with him? Is it serious? is it deadly? Am I just cursed to feel it again?

Tear it out, crush it, and throw it on the ground just like last time. Maybe this time I might even get lucky and see it coming, so I can have the pleasure of seeing it sink it's sick claws in slow and feed on that pain. Would you forgive me then big sis? Would you see and understand why I can't seem to make any fucking progress?

You're not all I got, but I want you with me. I don't want to lose you in the haze of my own Numb.

you seem to have mad a rash decision re: school. maybe you took a distinct amount of time off, with an agreement to re-enroll? most of your problems with college seem to be overthinking of shit, maybe you had too much time on your hands, or not enough else going on? what about a frat. everyone can use some deinking and partying. finding a job and all that will just mean new problems most likely. but keep plugging away, try not to think of your dad, he sounds like a shitty guy.

your writing sounds like someone who dropped out of college - don't over intellectualize stuff.

I'm a 25 year-old NEET with no education past high school and declining health. It wouldn't surprise me if I were to drop dead in a year or two.

you are at the stage where you should really have enough life experience and lessons learned where an almost wholly-exhaustive life philosophy shouldn't be necessary. as life philosophies and heuristics give way to individual, subjective and distinct choices, men in their late twenties typically being to climb further up the 'ladder of not caring.' first you learn to not care about something. then you learn to not care about other people caring about something. and so on, you get the picture.

you didnt really tru with your prose, but what i saw i dont remember.

sounds like fear of loss of your sister is causing you to act out - maybe a bout of independence could help, not just you but also your relationship.

prose was best in thread so far

>maybe you took a distinct amount of time off, with an agreement to re-enroll?
i'm actually planning to do something like that. i won't attend classes but will work on some of the stuff i'm not done with.

>what about a frat.
no frats in my coutry.

>finding a job and all that will just mean new problems most likely.
i know, but i really need to leave the nest. at least a bit, to show myself i'm not going to die. otherwise my insecurities will keep growing.

>don't over intellectualize stuff
i'm trying, trust me. my first attempt at posting was less eloquent but a lot more bitchy. expressing yourself satisfactorily and plainly ain't easy.

there are many ways to be interesting, something i think all people value, regardless of their life expectancy. become an expert in something you enjoy doing - if you dont enjoy doing anything, you will need to boot-strap it. 25 is when adulthood begins, but dont let the anxiety of that overwhelm you. dont live in your daydreams. you only have one life, and yours might ne shorter than others'.

My relationship with my mother is very good. I am still somewhat of a momma's boy.
If I could find a place like my current one that doesn't involve a bunch of kids trying to keep up with trends and follow the system then I suppose I'll be fine.

well for starters i have lost any ability to write or even to think in terms of structured sentences and literary values and revaluations. i've decided to stop reading or a time and turn back to people and the present.

this is because i'm trying to start over after losing a career and custody of my child. i am far away from a traitorous family. i smoke too much weed. i sometimes go to church.

i would like a deeper connection but feel frozen out of the good graces and inner warmth of other people. i'm partly okay with it, but i'd like to rise, quit the weed, rebuild my body through fitness, change habits, and incarnate the values i uphold in my mind.

i also need to let go of the past. does this mean going out to pick up pussy? the PUA revival?

or trying to learn new languages?

or giving up drugs and alcohol and becoming one of those 12 step people. i went to a few meetings when i got here, and felt very drawn to it, despite the creepy cult shit and the hypocritical herd-slave behaviors.

i miss my daughter but she is gone from my life for a few years until my fortunes are restored. do i write her off as lost to a degenerate modern society? go forth and bear sons? save her from a shitty mother?

i think what is wrong with my life is that i have only recently escaped the shadow of true suffering and loss, and I don't know what it is to thrive, prosper, rise - abundance over scarcity.

how does a man march towards 30, and conquer life?

linklater - freeing the human voice

do the exercises slowly, patiently, and if possible stoned or a little tipsy or in some kind of calm, positive state.

you will find how much you have buried inside and how to vibrate out good vibes.

I want to do a million things, but I've resigned myself to knowing that I won't do even half of them in my lifetime. I'm just afraid I won't do even half of that half, or possibly even a quarter. I'm afraid of doing nothing and it causes a great anxiousness to well up in the pit of my stomach. I'll try my best, for it would be quite embarrassing to not try at all.

why not move out of an urban area? for a liitle bit.

it seems like you already know what you need to do. break the routines, rebuild physically, restore yourself mentally and forge on. one thing at a time, of course, but rebuilding physically and working out can be a huge domino that sometimes is easier to push over than you think.

in your attempts to do some of them, and as you get older, many of those things will lose your interest and the anxiety will fade. take heart in that now, knowing that you can only do what you can do, that you're doing all you can, and that there will not be an infinite number of things down the road.

Read Stirner.

Like living with a bunch of people out in the country?

i meant by yourself. maybe a shit suggestion given your mental history.

bedtime

I'm not acting out actually, but that's an alright guess. I have just lost a lot of family in a short period of time-family that I was VERY close to. And..now my fiance is...well I can't say for sure what's wrong, but something's wrong with his liver. I'm just scared... Really fuckin scared.

The whole bit about my sister, well, I've been kind of..fallin in and out of depression these past couple years and making a lot of stupid decisions with money, and not getting myself very far. She keeps trying to help me, and then I end up fucking it up one way or another by squandering the opportunities. Not meaning to, of course, but squandering them nonetheless.

Now, add all this up to the rest of our family save for two individuals being shit and ending up in mental wards or out on the street, and I'm just real scared she going to give up on me completely. So, ya. Just going to try and make this last push, hope it works out, and hopefully make her proud and show her that I DID appreciate all she's done for me, and I DO appreciate every effort she makes. And god help me if I can't be strong enough this time to stand on my own two feet.

People tell me wonderful things about myself. They say I'm intelligent, charming, handsome, funny. They say I have personality, charisma, a unique presence. Some have told me I'm able to float above the crowd, never putting myself in vulnerable positions despite getting electrically close. One guy last Saturday told me he wish he was me. A stranger gave me a hug a week ago. A woman last month told me she wanted to birth me. I've been called a star, a genius, a clown, a special person, a narcissist, an asshole, a sweetheart, a good person, pathetic, and favorite. People whom I don't even like seem to like me. Yet, I don't know what to do, what I'm doing, where I going, who I'm becoming, or anything other than where I am right now. And I'm in Texas.

You're a male pixy girl, congratulations.

You sound like you pay too much attention to how other people see you. This can be healthy, but you need a balance. Right now it feels like you are -only- living for other's expectations of you, and taking very little time to figure out what you enjoy and what expectations you have of yourself.

Balance that out.

Became disinterested in my crush recently and then I realized again that I'm not actually connected to anybody and that most of my perceived relationships are totally made up in my head.

thank you madame

what's a pixy girl?

I've been thinking about my ex lately and I swear I've got some Kierkegaard-level issues, some serious Jay Gatsby shit. It's been about a year and I'd thought all those feelings had subsided but recently I've been out of drugs and dozens of very specific things have been happening to me that point me towards her. Her favorite book was Lot 49 and now I feel like Oedipaa for how every sign points to her but really its all too uncanny for me to ignore.

I've been feeling a lot more creatively vital lately. I've finally got a hold of the vocabulary, resources, and understanding to create the kind of art I want. Inspiration seems to be around every corner and I can hardly make a trip to the bathroom without stopping to sketch something or write a poem or song. I feel like I'm getting close to some sort of Deleuzian ideal. This really feels like a golden hour when the past year has been cardboard at best.

I had a kind of drug-induced breakdown a few weeks ago in my british lit class. No fun. I'm scared I'll have to see a therapist of some sort. I really miss all the drugs and sometimes thinking clearly is really too scary for me honestly. Its been three weeks clean and I really feel alright most of the time but I feel kind of permanently fucked. I think my brain and body have over-corrected for want of drugs because people still ask me whether I'm on drugs all the time. Apparently my pupils dilate randomly and I gesticulate a little too wildly and make too many non-sequiturs.

youtube.com/watch?v=PjRQbJPULx4

My boyfriend can't find a job in my country and the girl I'm sleeping with is in love with me and I wish she wasn't. I live in a dirty hotel room and hang about in cafes writing, swigging beer in the streets once I'm done, and sometimes I go visit a massage parlour and get a blowjob from a disadvantaged young Chinese lady. I feel happy but also close to the edge of a very sheer drop that will kill me only if I look down and notice it. Two weeks ago I went up a mountain and looked down at the clouds and one of my friends was crying and the others were all silent with fear and I was scared too; but I also felt like this was what it was supposed to feel like to be alive, and I found myself grinning like a lunatic as I climbed closer and closer to nowhere.

I can't move my life past this stage because I can't decide on a path and I suppose I don't need to decide so much as take action in some form and let my path decide itself organically, but even that has been difficult. I don't necessarily want the career I was pursuing (psych) though I've been chasing it for so long that it's part of my identity. I don't want to be chased away from it because of fear, but at the same time, I don't want to be afraid to let the dream die if it's not ideal for what I want out of life. I don't know what I want out of life anymore. I have obscure goals that can't be reached because they're not well-defined. Though I have an endless supply of creativity and ambition without any direction. I've spent a few months in this state and I'm afraid it may turn into years. I want to stop looking at life as an objective to be completed but nothing else is fulfilling. Nothing is fulfilling.

Oh, that this too, too sullied flesh would melt, thaw, and resolve itself into a dew; or that the everlasting had not fixed his canon 'gainst self slaughter. Oh god. How weary, stale, flat and unprofitable seem to me all the uses of this world. Fie on't. Fie. 'Tis an unweeded garden that grows to seed; things rank and gross in nature possess it merely. My problem, what's going wrong? I'll say: my father's been killed, my mother, stained, and I, with excitements of my reason and my blood, I--I do not know why yet I still can say this thing, my revenge, is left to do, since I have cause, and will, and strength, and means to do it. Please help me: how can I bring myself to kill my murderous uncle?

Everything. I have started and restarted my short story no one will ever read multiple times and can't even find own writing style.

I am a neet and a failure.

"that bubbly, shallow cinematic creature that exists solely in the fevered imaginations of sensitive writer-directors to teach broodingly soulful young men to embrace life and its infinite mysteries and adventures."

>My boyfriend can't find a job in my country and the girl I'm sleeping with is in love with me and I wish she wasn't.

Stop being a bisexual slut.

Last week a friend of mine mentioned a girl who we'd mutually been antiquated with several years ago. I'd never known they'd even known each other, but apparently they'd been fucking way back. I'd never thought of either of them in that way.

More and more I get the creeping feeling that there's a huge conspiracy going on around me. A conspiracy of sensations, romance, fucking, laughing, of going out, of connecting, of feeling. This huge conspiracy that everyone is involved in, whereas they go about their daily lives completely disconnected from the reality of my own life, where I only get fleeting glimpses of what it means to these people to be human. A conspiracy I have no part in.

The worst part is that it's going on around me all the time. Every minute of every day, people whom barely make up the background of my daily experience are conspiring to live their lives, throwing parties, falling in love, and breaking apart. I see a pretty girl walking down the street, but I don't see her boyfriend, or the guy she's fucking behind his back, or the guy who's heart she's broken. I just see the facade of a person, completely removed from any meaningful context whereas I could gauge them.

What gets to me about this horrible human conspiracy is that it seems orchestrated to exclude me. People I vaguely know throw a party. People I know well go to the party. I'm never invited or even told about it. I didn't loose my virginity till 18, now that I've matured a bit sexually and can look at the world with open eyes, I can see tons of men my age (early twenties) "dating" and fucking highschool girls. While I was in highschool I would have never expected this, I never saw this, yet now plain as day I realize its happening and has happened all over the world, and I can only assume that while I was 15 and jerking off the girls in my class whom I'd never even assumed to be interested in sex (and why would I) where out getting plugged by dudes ten years older than them. Nobodies better at creating a facade than women.

Or I'll be walking down the street and I'll see somebody smile at me. I was fat and ugly as a kid, people (in general) pushed me down and beat on me because I was weaker. Now I'm tall, athletic, etc. and people automatically differ to me with a smile and kindness, and I smile back, but it all seems like an elaborate attempt to lure me into a false security. These strangers don't really care about me. If I went up to every smiling Jane and John and tried to start a conversation about things that interest me they'd be bored to tears. If I let down the mask of politeness I usually hide behind they'd probably hate me. Even when I reach out, try to ask a girl on a date or organize a party, people ignore me. Yet they keep grinning. I can't see a smile without feeling angry anymore. Or disgusted.

What you're looking for is what's inside you, it's just that you've been trained to look outside. Listen to what you heart tells you is wrong, don't look away, do not reject your history like an adolescent, but cherish it as the necessary steps on your journey. And be patient, you'll be at this for the rest of your life, won't you?

If you find yourself stuck, try something different. If it hasn't changed your perspective somehow, it's probably not different enough.

But most importantly, enjoy yourself. You're an artist.

Aw shit, wrong quote!

I tend to obsess with everything i discover and start doing, i obsessed on doing art, doing music, doing girls, writing a book, taking pictures etc. but in the end i can't choose one activity that i like the most and give all my energy/time to it and become good at it, after the obsession wears i give equally little attention to all of those and i suck at all of them

I want to jerk my cock. I don't want to jerk my cock.
I find myself most vulnerable to that voracious worm when I am chasing idle thoughts down their dark holes. Beautiful musings, pristine in their naivety, leading me by the hand as I step deeper until I am on the bed of a sea where my dreams lodge in drifts like sunken galleons holding locked rooms containing chests of golden coins stamped with a noble visage.
It is in those depths that the silt swirls around me in clouds. Thick it rises to my thighs when I remember too late what parasite moves through that soft medium.

*acquainted

Also I just generally feel hopeless. I've recently moved back in with my parents, and while my dad's pretty cool, I'm pretty sure my mom has clinical depression or something. She'll often just be silently crying, like while she's driving or cooking dinner there will be tears rolling down her face, but she never says anything about it or does anything about it. I've never heard her say a single positive thing about herself. I love her, but I can't just be an emotional crutch. All I really want is some sort of idealized "real" relationship with my family, we barely even talk to each other and my mom's just so damn sad to be around that when I'm not working mostly I just hide in my room.

I've got a little sister, but I haven't really been around in the last 3 years so I guess we've grown apart. I thought we used to be friends, but last time I left home (for a year straight without seeing my family) she never even bother messaging me on facebook or calling me. Not one single time. I thought I'd come back home and be some kind of cool brother, but right off the bat she made it clear she thinks I'm just some drug addicted looser.

Most people I grew up with are pretty big into the drug scene, and I'm not. Lots of them think I'm a douche too, I think. None of them talk to me any more, or even pretend to be my friends still.

I don't have any friends, actually. I can force myself to be social, and sometimes I'm even charming, but deep down I'm just unable to connect with other people. I've always felt like there was a wall between me and everyone else, and I've always been jealous of how most people seem to be able to fall in love, to make friendships, and experience all those deep meaningful human emotions. I can count three fingers the amount of people I've ever had in my life that I really consider friends, and every time it was fleeting. In my day to day life my only friends are the gym and my math textbooks.

Lately the only thing I can think about is making some money and getting out of my town. If I didn't at least have the hope that things will get better at some point I'd kill myself right now.

Suppose there is a wall between you and everyone else. If you want to be part of the conspiracy so to speak, you're gonna have to climb over that wall.

is is because of a lack in reciprocal interest? oftentimes, the social interactions that form friendships with others in the same age group require both participants to have some degree of the same values or a baseline to fall to. if you don't have old friends where that baseline is inheret in shared experience, maybe it's time to try hanging with a new crew.

keep on. could help to try to become less pre-occupied with sex. well told.

you need to take your mind off it - a sort of long term meditation - pick anything; psych, writing, an avocation and dedicate all your free thought to it. go to the gym. in a month these feelings will have dissapeared and you will have another direction (something that will change itself down the road.)

>tfw user ignores me

I'm currently teaching English in Japan. I'm 27, from Denmark and I have a Master's degree in English. I want to write a PhD, but it's ridiculously difficult to get a position in Denmark. I applied to a promising position two months ago, and within the next few days I should have an answer. I'm shitting myself, mostly because I don't have a Plan B. I am not motivated by other jobs, especially since the only realistic alternative is teaching high school. It's fairly cushy, but unsatisfying.

With a PhD I have three years to work towards a tangible goal. Without a PhD, I just work. Nothing else. I'd teach students, they'd graduate, and I'd teach some new students. It seems insufferable.

Will you have to pay for your PhD by yourself? The only folk I know who pursued a PhD in English were the ones who had scholarships, and even then they had to research something like "The Depiction Of Ports In 14th Century Belgian Poetry" or some shit. Good luck m8.

How old are you?

Positions in Denmark are fully funded and not numerous, hence the difficulty in getting a job. Writing the applications is extremely difficult and time consuming. I've tried trice now, and I'm not sure when and if I should just give up.

I am homeless and magically incompetent. I'm better at understanding virtue than at living virtuously. I perpetually betray my better angel.

Let me clarify. If I pay myself I can start a PhD easily, but I can't do that and I don't want to do that.

why don't you pursue phd in another country?

It is an option. I will probably try that if Denmark doesn't work out. I barely even care about what country, I just want to work on something I find meaningful, even if I know that at the end of the day it's a goddamn literature PhD that won't change the world. It would change my world, and that's good enough.

I am filled with regret, hate myself and want to die

What do you regret?